I am a Christian, He is an athiest. . .

[RedHeadPoet]

After struggling for almost 3 years to make a relationship work I have decided to try to end things. We are not married but we moved in together 2 and a half years ago with the plan of marriage, and each time we set dates there was a reason to postpone it. I do not feel good about living together outside of marriage but he does not understand that. I had not gone to Church for a long period of time but am feeling a strong pull to get back to Church and to renew my relationship with God. Phil has now professed to be an atheist. He is using my personality type, which is a pleaser and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings to keep me from forcing him to move out of my home. Now he is saying if I had true concern for his soul I would never push him away I would let him stay and watch my transformation as I solidify my relationship with God. I never thought my home would have beer in the fridge, or cursing in conversations or movies with nudity and his teen age children free to watch them. I am trying to make changes for myself, I never stand up for myself but he is making it hard now saying that he gave me so many chances along the way and now that I decide to end things I won't give him a chance even though I owe him so many. I spend my time being careful about every sentence trying to avoid an argument, I listen to stories I do not want to hear, I want to honor my God with my partner making fun of "a giant in the sky". My heart is broken, not over Phil the man, but over this confusion. Why won't he let me go if we believe so differently? Should I try to make it work? Should I continue living as we have been? Please prayer warriors, my strength is running out. This resolve I have to rededicate my life to Christ is wearing thin simply because I did not expect him to fight so hard to keep me. His obsession is money and control, I have no love for money and my passive personality makes me extremely easy to control. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I am asking honestly, is there a way for 2 people of opposite belief standings to make a relationship work? I know he does not have romantic love for me, this life is convenient for him, cost effective to split bills, but now he is saying my standing my ground on these changes has made him want to love me. I am so confused on how to proceed. . . When I think of him moving out and being left alone with all the bills I am scared but still uplifted that I am doing the right thing. Then he will ask me again for another chance and even thinking of staying in this situation brings a darkness to my thinking, my hope fades. He is not abusive and he more than covers the bills, but that is not the life I want to lead. I am praying for discernment to know that I am making the right decision. I never want him to give up on life or to use my decision as a reason to continue to trash talk Church and God. Can I help him by staying? Will I loose myself by staying? So many questions, so much pain. I miss my light hearted side, I miss my positive personality.

 

[Michelleks]

My husband is also a non believer, so I totally feel for you. I am in pain many times also. But I have to remind you two things:
when people are unhappy or angry, they say all kinds of bad things to make others yell bad, to vent out the anger.
also, you have to have boundaries, sounds like you are like me for a long time, tried to avoid a fight, I will just let him do whnt ever! That is wrong! You have to have your own boundaries.

 

[GuessWho]

Do you love him?
If yes, than I think you should give him a chance; giving a chance means that this time you talk to him seriously about your beliefs, about how you don't want to be with him outside of marriage, about the rules that you two must set in order to live together in peace. For instance, if he knows that you are a christian, he should stop making fun about the "giant in the sky", he should refrain from cursing in conversations (this is also a sign of bad education) and most important: he should come with you at church, every Sunday, and let you educate the children in a christian environment.


These are the conditions that I put in front of my husband (who was atheist) and he agreed.

 

[Ugly]

Red... he's a controller and a manipulator. Which is probably why he's with a people pleaser to begin with. Because he knows he can control you. He put on a good show to win you, and now that what he wants, someone to control, not love, is being put in a position to lose that, he's showing his true colors.
Stay with him, but only if you want to spend the rest of your life buried under guilt, frustration and an increasing distance between you and God.
Do you really believe you are in a Godly relationship in any manner? Everything about this relationship, from both a spiritual and even a worldly perspective, screams GET OUT AND DON'T LOOK BACK. It's actually very obvious what a toxic person he is and what a destructive relationship this will be to you.

 

[sassylady]

Unfortunately the relationship was never blessed, not just because you are unequally yoked but not married.

You may hurt but will gain much more perspective as time goes on once you have parted ways.

God is all you need in your life. He places people in our lives but we need Him first. Don't let anybody get you off track.

You will begin to see blessings once you are in His Will.

It's good to please people but there are obviously limits. Let God show you how to handle situations with your personality. He does not want you to have a fear of man, which is spoken of in the Word.

 

[VioletReigns]

I pray in Jesus' name the Lord open your eyes to the truth and you be guided by His wisdom. It sounds to me you already know in your heart what to do and I pray the Lord show you the way to do it. Gracious blessings to you, Sister RedHeadPoet!

 

[presidente]

It sounds like the only reason you've given to stay with him is how you feel about him. Setting that aside, is there any reason to stay with this man? I mean if you didn't know him and you read his details on paper, would you consider marrying him? An atheist, apparently with children from another relationship, a bit controlling, strings women along with the hope of marriage? Why would you want to marry someone who fits that profile? You don't have children together, do you?

Has he asked your father for your hand? Ethically, the only reason I could see to want to marry him is if he had and your father agreed, but I don't know how strong a reason that is.

You shouldn't fornicate, so I think you should tell him you aren't going to do sex outside of marriage. If you decide leaving him is the right things, line up a job if you need one or ask a relative or maybe a church friend to move in with to get out of this situation.

 

[psalm6819]

The Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked - since you have not married him yet RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

You deserve better. Can you downsize? lose a car payment, it might suck, but your independence and your sanity are worth more than new car. Maybe a smaller place? A female roomate? This is tough, but a second job?

You can pray for him at a safe distance.

 

[soccermom19]

Red,
Bless you for sharing your story and seeking help.
You need to go to church and pray, pray, pray. Then listen to what God is telling you, follow God in everything. God is working on your heart right now. God wants you back. You know that you are fornicating and that it is a sin. God will forgive this sin if you ask him to and repent.
You need to leave him. Trust me when I say that I know how hard it is for a people pleaser to do. But, shouldn't you be a God pleaser first? You are not happy because you and your boyfriend are not living a Godly life. Depart and sin no more. This is what Jesus told the woman caught in the act of adultery in John chapter 8. Follow this example.
Christian women are brought up to be meek and humble. We are taught to be nurturing. Women were put on this Earth to help men. It is easy for us to be led astray and want to please our men in all things. It is wonderful and blessed that you are a pleaser! God wants you to be one. However, God does not want you to follow sin. It sounds to me like you know all of this already. You need to pray for the strength to do what you already know is right.
I will pray for you, sister.

 

[damombomb]

It is not worth it. Peace is better than all that stuff in your face. Only the Lord can change people.JMO

 

[notuptome]

Amos 3:3 Can two walk together except they be agreed?

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[CRC]

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways take notice of him,
And he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5,6)

 

[Agricola]

He sounds like another control freak, dosn't want to loose his trophy girl so plays on the emotional side and gives a few sob stories.

THere is also a clue in there that he mocks and does not show the proper respect, "Giant in the sky", how will things work out in 10 years time? At moment it appears to be civil, but this will cause division and arguments.

Leaving and ending this relationship sounds like a good idea, if you have doubts now about the relationship then it is not likely to work out in the long run.

Problem is when you are still in love with someone, it makes judgment calls cloudy and the wrong choices are made out of emotions, especially when you are emotionally blackmailed.

Marying a non-beleiver will always hinder and set people back, already you have to make compromises as to how you spend your Sundays without even taking into account other church activities such as housegroups and courses. Being married to another believer will mean you will not even have to bring up compromise in your spiritual growth.

 

[RedHeadPoet]

I cannot express how much I appreciate these words of support and understanding. He did sign a lease yesterday for an apartment! The relief I feel outweighs the fear of being alone by thousands! I couldn't just leave, I have owned this home for 15 years, but I did want to clarify that in my efforts to find my way back to God and who I should be we were sleeping in different rooms. That is not to defend our actions when he first moved in with me, but I did want all to know that I have not been taking this lightly. I want true forgiveness, I want to honor God. Phil says he wants this to be a new start for us, to date and get to know one another, as stated above in one of the comments, I do not see how his non-belief in God will ever allow us to be truly close. I do not feel like I am in love with him now, I love him, but not romantically, that ended long ago when he started to diminish my love for myself with constant correction and suggestions of changes I needed to make. I do work, and my car is paid off, I have 1 more year to pay on my home, I can do this. I am feeling strong this morning, I am giving the glory to God for this step to have been taken. I hate that Phil feels like I am being mean and insensitive, but I need to heal. I am fascinated that he doesn't want to let me go and just move on, I do not seem to be able to do anything right, but I am making a promise to myself and to God that I will seek to please God first.

 

[Angela53510]

This is an abusive relationship by any standard. When you are afraid to speak, because of reprisals, that is a BIG sign! I am sure he has been controlling you in many other ways, to say nothing of not respecting you faith and beliefs. He has been using you, and I would probably say you are codependent, because abuse in a relationship has been a better option than being alone and safe.

Please seek help from counsellor or woman's shelter. You seem to be trapped in the Cycle of Abuse. Even if you stick to your guns and do not let him back into your life, the next relationship will also probably go the same way. Learn how to be a lover of God, instead of a people pleaser.

Praying for you open your Bible, get into a good Bible believing fellowship, and for healing of these relationship patterns.

I hope you will read this link and see if it applies to you.

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

 

[SoulWeaver]

After struggling for almost 3 years to make a relationship work I have decided to try to end things. We are not married but we moved in together 2 and a half years ago with the plan of marriage

I've lived exactly this. I've been in the same boat Sister. This person professed Christ with their mouth but he lived to please himself. He turned me into a doormat using blackmail, twisting and lies. Big sense of entitlement! I was extremely unhappy with him, he cared only for himself, he obstructed my walk at every turn. God has finally severed that relationship and gave me afterwards to my husband who loves Jesus and who treats me well.
First question, if he does not love the perfect God, how can he possibly love the imperfect you?
Second question, are you happy with this man? Obviously not...
Third question, seeing your faith is plummeting by his side, are you going to risk your relationship with God because of a man?
My advice is RUN, and the sooner the better. You probably have no idea how demon filled he is, in the final arguments, my ex was yelling and screaming how he hated God and Jesus, it gave me the worst creeps to hear these things coming out of his mouth. You dont want to be in unity with this man... as you have no idea WHAT demons are you actually joining yourself to... God has something better in store for you, someone to treat you well and cherish your relationship every day as you both grow in Christ.

 

[SoulWeaver]

P.S. In case you decide to break up: I feel the need to add, never fall for emotional blackmails or suicide threats like I was fooled!!!
These people care only for themselves and their convenience, as your post testifies. They wont harm themselves and this evil weapon they like to use is a further testimony they dont care about you. In such case inform their friends and family, and then move on with your life. God bless whatever you decide.

 

[soccermom19]

I cannot express how much I appreciate these words of support and understanding. He did sign a lease yesterday for an apartment! The relief I feel outweighs the fear of being alone by thousands! I couldn't just leave, I have owned this home for 15 years, but I did want to clarify that in my efforts to find my way back to God and who I should be we were sleeping in different rooms. That is not to defend our actions when he first moved in with me, but I did want all to know that I have not been taking this lightly. I want true forgiveness, I want to honor God. Phil says he wants this to be a new start for us, to date and get to know one another, as stated above in one of the comments, I do not see how his non-belief in God will ever allow us to be truly close. I do not feel like I am in love with him now, I love him, but not romantically, that ended long ago when he started to diminish my love for myself with constant correction and suggestions of changes I needed to make. I do work, and my car is paid off, I have 1 more year to pay on my home, I can do this. I am feeling strong this morning, I am giving the glory to God for this step to have been taken. I hate that Phil feels like I am being mean and insensitive, but I need to heal. I am fascinated that he doesn't want to let me go and just move on, I do not seem to be able to do anything right, but I am making a promise to myself and to God that I will seek to please God first.

Red, I am glad that we all could help you. I am very excited for your relief. Stay strong! I understand about you keeping your house. I didn't realize it was yours.
Pray and listen to God. Keep following your beliefs.
God Bless you!

 

[Percepi]

It is possible for a Christian and an atheist to happily marry one another as long as they know each other's boundaries. Some Christians aren't bothered when hearing their friends or lovers talk about how they don't believe in God while others become quite offended. And some atheists have no problems when their Christians friends or lovers preach about God while others don't want to hear anything about it.

It really depends on where your boundaries are regarding your beliefs.

Are all the problems you're having stemming from disagreements about religion or are there other issues? At one point you mentioned that he didn't have a romantic love for you, but that you standing your ground is making him want you more. This is something that really should be looked into more since this sounds like one of those things where people begin to want what they're about to lose or don't have. It's a weird psychological phenomenon.

If you don't love him, don't worry about leaving him. You can't dedicate your life to someone just because you feel like you owe them. Hopefully, if you do leave him, the two of you can remain friends.

There's really not enough information to help you with all the underlying problems you're having. But if you do stay with him, I can tell you that you definitely need to establish your barriers concerning discussions about God.

Personally, as an atheist, I would not mind marrying a Christian woman. I would love it if me and her could discuss God's existence without offending each other. Perhaps that's something you would be comfortable with, if so, let him know.

Or maybe you just want to live with him and let him follow his own path. If this is the case, tell him you will start going to church again (if that's what you want to do) and that you won't try to challenge his views as long as he doesn't try to change your views or insult your religious beliefs.

The one thing that doesn't work is the one sided approach. If you want to preach about God to him, you must let him talk about why he doubts God without getting offended in return. And the same is true for him - if he expects to talk to you about how God isn't real, he needs to let you talk about how God is real without him being offended.

 

[Percepi]

I cannot express how much I appreciate these words of support and understanding. He did sign a lease yesterday for an apartment! The relief I feel outweighs the fear of being alone by thousands! I couldn't just leave, I have owned this home for 15 years, but I did want to clarify that in my efforts to find my way back to God and who I should be we were sleeping in different rooms. That is not to defend our actions when he first moved in with me, but I did want all to know that I have not been taking this lightly. I want true forgiveness, I want to honor God. Phil says he wants this to be a new start for us, to date and get to know one another, as stated above in one of the comments, I do not see how his non-belief in God will ever allow us to be truly close. I do not feel like I am in love with him now, I love him, but not romantically, that ended long ago when he started to diminish my love for myself with constant correction and suggestions of changes I needed to make. I do work, and my car is paid off, I have 1 more year to pay on my home, I can do this. I am feeling strong this morning, I am giving the glory to God for this step to have been taken. I hate that Phil feels like I am being mean and insensitive, but I need to heal. I am fascinated that he doesn't want to let me go and just move on, I do not seem to be able to do anything right, but I am making a promise to myself and to God that I will seek to please God first.

Also, I just read this.

If you want to try and rebuild your love - go for it. It is possible for a believer and non-believer to live happily together as I stated before.

But if you don't love each other in a romantic way, even after trying to rebuild your love, don't dedicate the rest of your life to him.