I don't know what I'm to do..

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Angel3

Guest
#1
#1
I have a male friend that I care alot about. My family can't stand him & have threatened me to get away from him, yet they don't know him at all. They've not had a conversation in 2 years. They go by rumors & gossip. He is a christain, but since his back surgery 3 years ago, he's struggled with drug addiction to hydrocodone, which has led to his 12 & 20 yr old kids to not have much to do with him now. He's always been an awesome dad too. This recently has led to severe depression. He's doing much better with his addiction, but he's still wanting to go to rehab. I've prayed for guidance. I felt that even though it was causing turmoil with my family, that God wanted me to stay strong & not turn my back on him. That it was the Christain thing to do. I felt my Faith was being tested but that if I turned my back on him, since I'm all he has right now, that it would be total destruction for him. He'd give up. Now my family are using my kids to get me away from him. They've filled their heads with all these rumors that now my 20 yr old won't speak to me, & my girls, who had acted crazy about him, are saying they want him to go away. My kids come 1st & I'd never choose a man over them, but I feel this is very wrong. I don't know what to do. Do I continue to stand for J & do what I think is right or do I toss him aside & do what my family says so to keep a good image in town? Please help. It's pulling me down mentally.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#2
Considering that you have a 20 year old kid, I'm thinking that you're an adult and can make your own decisions..lol.. :) If you feel God wants you to stand by this guy, then do it. It's a good thing that he actually WANTS to go to rehab. Tell your family that if they can't be supportive of you being supportive of him, then they can keep their opinions to themselves. "A good image" shouldn't matter, worry only about what JESUS thinks of you. And tell your kids to start acting more maturely and stop listening to rumors and gossip.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#3
by the way, the mods don't like people to make duplicate threads in multiple forums. I reported your dupe thread and the mods will delete it. :)
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#4
#4
Just a few thoughts..

the details in your story make me think you are PROBABLY the enabler in this friendship/addiction. If that is the case, you are doing more harm than GOOD, irrespective of whether your family "likes" him or not. Being the empathizing friend in HIS parent/child problem is not your position to be taking... you are not his wife... and you are putting yourself in collusion for "consequences".
I would suggest you step back some, tell your friend he needs to deal with his addiction, you will pray for him but you can no longer enable.
It has been 3 years... how about YOU decide that is long enough to be enslaved to drugs and depression? Maybe he should go another year or two?
 
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Galahad

Guest
#5
#5
Angel3 said:
I have a male friend that I care alot about. My family can't stand him & have threatened me to get away from him, yet they don't know him at all. They've not had a conversation in 2 years. They go by rumors & gossip. He is a christain, but since his back surgery 3 years ago, he's struggled with drug addiction to hydrocodone, which has led to his 12 & 20 yr old kids to not have much to do with him now. He's always been an awesome dad too. This recently has led to severe depression. He's doing much better with his addiction, but he's still wanting to go to rehab. I've prayed for guidance. I felt that even though it was causing turmoil with my family, that God wanted me to stay strong & not turn my back on him. That it was the Christain thing to do. I felt my Faith was being tested but that if I turned my back on him, since I'm all he has right now, that it would be total destruction for him. He'd give up. Now my family are using my kids to get me away from him. They've filled their heads with all these rumors that now my 20 yr old won't speak to me, & my girls, who had acted crazy about him, are saying they want him to go away. My kids come 1st & I'd never choose a man over them, but I feel this is very wrong. I don't know what to do. Do I continue to stand for J & do what I think is right or do I toss him aside & do what my family says so to keep a good image in town? Please help. It's pulling me down mentally.
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In Matthew 10:34 the notion of Peace at all Cost was not held by Jesus. He put truth before peace. That is, if truth divides, so be it. Truth is what matters. Truth is what saves.

A good image? You mean with people who say good about you one day, but then upon hearing gossip speak evil of you the next day?

Jesus said to His followers, You are the light of the world. That light exists by following Jesus' example. Not by maintaining a good image in town at the expense of doing what is right.

What would you tell anyone in your family to do if they were in your position? Would you want your son or daughters to abandon the person? Well, be a light to your family. Show them that truth matters the most to you. That's a good thing for your family, your friend, your children, the town, and yourself.

As for family, they have issues. Not you. They do. How will you feel if you caved into their selfish demands? And if you did cave, what kind of example would be to them?

If you choose to do right and help your friend, don't become angry at your family. Pray for them. Then continue to show them love as well.

Don't toss your friend away. If you do, you will be tossing away an opportunity to teach by example. You will be tossing away what the Lord would have held. You will be tossing away love, grace, and mercy just for a good image.
 
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Angel3

Guest
#6
#6
Thank you, I have had 1 acquaintance tell me that by helping him, that I was hurting him. That he'd have to hit rock bottom to really change. I have told him that I'd help as long as he tried to better himself. I help financially, & a roof over his head when he needs it. In turn I spring drug test on him frequently & I'm getting him enrolled to go back to college. He wants to go & says he's sick of the way his life is right now. My family just says he's using me, but every paycheck he gets now, he gives over half to me. So is he?
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#7
#7
This added information SOUNDS like you are providing an element of accountability to him sooooo,
I would again urge you to be cautious about STILL being an enabler through "your own good works" whilst "maintaining his status quo"... please understand the distinction between SHOWING the love of God and Standing between him and God. OK?
 
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ENLIGHTEND

Banned
#8
Sep 11, 2015
64
0
0
#8
when my daughter was a kid she was like some kids. she was a good kid. but if I thought she was doing something wrong I would tell her. even if it made her mad at me. I knew I was doing the right thing, it hurt but was right. when she grew up do you know that she told me one day" dad I'm glad you got mad or that you yelled. it proved that you cared about me" that was the most awesome thing ever. and it really is true. people will respect you more
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#9
#9
Angel3 said:
Thank you, I have had 1 acquaintance tell me that by helping him, that I was hurting him. That he'd have to hit rock bottom to really change. I have told him that I'd help as long as he tried to better himself. I help financially, & a roof over his head when he needs it. In turn I spring drug test on him frequently & I'm getting him enrolled to go back to college. He wants to go & says he's sick of the way his life is right now. My family just says he's using me, but every paycheck he gets now, he gives over half to me. So is he?
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I'm a bit confused. How is he going to rehab and college? It's usually one or the other. And how does one control an addiction? Sorry. I'm confused, so I don't know what that means.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#10
#10
First, you shouldn't be in a sexual relationship with a man you aren't married to. If that's not the case I apologize. I am not condemning you at all.

Second if this man is someone you may marry, you need to encourage him to get his life in order before you get married or even move closer in that direction.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#11
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
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#11
Angel3 said:
Thank you, I have had 1 acquaintance tell me that by helping him, that I was hurting him. That he'd have to hit rock bottom to really change. I have told him that I'd help as long as he tried to better himself. I help financially, & a roof over his head when he needs it. In turn I spring drug test on him frequently & I'm getting him enrolled to go back to college. He wants to go & says he's sick of the way his life is right now. My family just says he's using me, but every paycheck he gets now, he gives over half to me. So is he?
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This sounds so much like enabling, I can't see anything else it could be. It sounds like you are paying for everything, and he gives you enough to make ends meet, and then spends the rest on his drugs? Even your "tough love" things like getting him drug tested which is something an addict must do for himself. If you do it you are just encouraging him to rely on you, instead of himself.

You don't say your ages, but practically speaking, he would be better off doing a short trade school, and getting a good job, rather than spending 4 years in college, and no job to show for it.

I went back to University when I was 25 and I paid for everything myself. It helped me value my education and chose wisely the courses I took, so I could get a job when I graduated.

I do agree with your family, that he is just using you. Sorry to say that. You are not his mother, nor even his wife! So let go of him.

Plus you say nothing about your relationship with Jesus Christ. That should be the MOST important thing in life not propping up this guy. Plus, if are living with him, and you are not married, you are committing sin. You need to get him to move out, and to get himself together with the help of God, not you enabling him to continue doing the things he is doing.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#12
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#12

I doubt anyone would have an objection to you trying to encourage a friend to go to rehab, but you seem to have gone a lot further than just offering some assistance. Drug addicts are professional 'users', they prey on compassionate people who sympathize with their 'poor me' stories. Of course he's sick of life and is depressed, he's a drug addict, and that's how drugs effect a person. If you want to help him, do it from a distance. Your parents are right, he's using you, and your kids are right, he shouldn't be living with you. If you really want to help him, apply some tough love, because being overly supportive is enabling his addiction. Trust me, providing shelter and throwing money at a drug addict does nothing to encourage them to quit. I've dealt with several addicts, and they all specialized at exploiting others to support their habit, they thrive on people who are sympathetic.. jmo
 
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