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Growing up I always knew that Christ was the way. When I was 16 years old I stopped going to church, convinced myself myself that I was busy with school. On my last year of high school my friend asked me why I had stopped going to church and when I was going to resume attending, I told her that when I am around 21 years. Last year I was 20, I had dropped out of varsity because of money and family problems. Well I am from a broken home, both my parents do not attend church, they believe in ancestor.
While I was home last year and doing nothing with my life, I fell sick and I was admitted at hospital I spent almost two weeks without doctors knowing what was wrong with me. At some point my parents thought, the reason why things are not working out for me is because I refuse the existence of my answers with me dropping out of varsity and getting sick after that.
I was a very determined chilled, finished my high school with an average of 83. After spending two weeks in hospital i asked to be released because I was not getting any help, I went to two prophets, the first one told me that something had been done to me, thus I could not succeed, and my ancestors were not looking after me because yes I refuse to acknowledge their existence. I was told that I have to do rituals thus I make things write between myself and them, deep down I knew the bad side of ancestors. I was tempted to do the rituals but I did not. I was still sick, my cousin who also had a similar problem invited me to his church, he told me that's where he received help, I went and I did get help.
One part of me still wanted to return to my worldly was of living, I tried fighting it. It was not an easy battle, I was all alone, everybody I knew was not around home, they were busy with their lives while I was stuck. I got depressed, well i used to rap and write poetry, that did help me get my mind of my situations, guess that was not enough. I'd get depressed in such a way that my chest would hurt.
One night I had a dream I believed it was Christ talking to me. On the dream He told me that He loved me, when I woke up the following morning, my chest was no longer heavy, it felt like my chest was made light. I loved the feeling, After that dream I had four similar dreams, dream number two, He said I should start leaving a holy life because someone was trying to kill me. I don't have any memories of dream number three, but I woke up having the same feeling I had the first and second time. Then the fourth dream I had it during the day, it said I needed to get baptised. I only told one girl who happened to be my ex girlfriend, I never told anybody else besides her.
After those days I tried very hard not to sin, I had given up on rapping, and watching programs that led me to sin, I also had quit listening to worldly music. One of the reasons why I quit on the music department, it was because of a sermon I had watched. It was from Christian Bedahl, it made a lot of sense to me, about how the music influences us, about how it surfaces emotions that a bad for someone who is not married etc etc. One thing that was left and bugging me was self pleasing, in sexual terms, I was once a slave to it, but now that I had been going to church I was no longer though I was still doing it but not always.
Everything was going well, I was not paying attention to what everybody was doing. I made it back to varsity this year. The varsity I am attending at is half a day away from my home, life here is very different from the life I know. When I got here I remember I wanted to relief myself but was fighting the temptation. Soon I learnt that people here did all sort of things, not that back home people didn't, guess here I paid attention to the place because I was still getting to know the place and the life. I let the devil back into my life, I gave into temptation. Somehow I was made to belief that there is a thing such as over believing, maybe I was taking the Christian life too far, and I needed to relax a little. People here were fornicating, people were mixing culture, ancestors and Christ. I told myself that my sin is not that bad.
School started in February and I saw many churches, they are a lot here and everybody was recruiting freshmen for their churches. These are very different churches with very different teachings, which some I did not like or approve thus I told myself that I was not going to attend none of them, 5 months later. Here I am confused about where I am, where I am going, What is church, who to listen to and who must I not listen, I was told that I was over believing when I tried to live a sinless life, and I did not think there was such a thing, ad at this very moment I feel like there is, can Christ make literally made me fly? can I really believe that? that He can make me pass while I do not study? is that how it is? Is that what it means to believe? people twist and turn the bible thus it suits them, I have heard things like its okay to worship in the same style of music that others use to worship lucifer, and what makes it right is that we are doing it for God. Also heard things like Christians introducing toys in their sex lives, some say women wearing pants is wrong, there's a lot that I cant mention here. I am just confused, I just wished Christ would speak to me again like he did before. Because at the moment I really dont know what and what not to do, I AM CONFUSED, and making it to heaven seems not possible. I am back to my old ways of living, though I have not slept with anyone since I was 16 years old, lately thoughts of it have been playing around my head. Can I change from my old ways?
thanks for reading..
While I was home last year and doing nothing with my life, I fell sick and I was admitted at hospital I spent almost two weeks without doctors knowing what was wrong with me. At some point my parents thought, the reason why things are not working out for me is because I refuse the existence of my answers with me dropping out of varsity and getting sick after that.
I was a very determined chilled, finished my high school with an average of 83. After spending two weeks in hospital i asked to be released because I was not getting any help, I went to two prophets, the first one told me that something had been done to me, thus I could not succeed, and my ancestors were not looking after me because yes I refuse to acknowledge their existence. I was told that I have to do rituals thus I make things write between myself and them, deep down I knew the bad side of ancestors. I was tempted to do the rituals but I did not. I was still sick, my cousin who also had a similar problem invited me to his church, he told me that's where he received help, I went and I did get help.
One part of me still wanted to return to my worldly was of living, I tried fighting it. It was not an easy battle, I was all alone, everybody I knew was not around home, they were busy with their lives while I was stuck. I got depressed, well i used to rap and write poetry, that did help me get my mind of my situations, guess that was not enough. I'd get depressed in such a way that my chest would hurt.
One night I had a dream I believed it was Christ talking to me. On the dream He told me that He loved me, when I woke up the following morning, my chest was no longer heavy, it felt like my chest was made light. I loved the feeling, After that dream I had four similar dreams, dream number two, He said I should start leaving a holy life because someone was trying to kill me. I don't have any memories of dream number three, but I woke up having the same feeling I had the first and second time. Then the fourth dream I had it during the day, it said I needed to get baptised. I only told one girl who happened to be my ex girlfriend, I never told anybody else besides her.
After those days I tried very hard not to sin, I had given up on rapping, and watching programs that led me to sin, I also had quit listening to worldly music. One of the reasons why I quit on the music department, it was because of a sermon I had watched. It was from Christian Bedahl, it made a lot of sense to me, about how the music influences us, about how it surfaces emotions that a bad for someone who is not married etc etc. One thing that was left and bugging me was self pleasing, in sexual terms, I was once a slave to it, but now that I had been going to church I was no longer though I was still doing it but not always.
Everything was going well, I was not paying attention to what everybody was doing. I made it back to varsity this year. The varsity I am attending at is half a day away from my home, life here is very different from the life I know. When I got here I remember I wanted to relief myself but was fighting the temptation. Soon I learnt that people here did all sort of things, not that back home people didn't, guess here I paid attention to the place because I was still getting to know the place and the life. I let the devil back into my life, I gave into temptation. Somehow I was made to belief that there is a thing such as over believing, maybe I was taking the Christian life too far, and I needed to relax a little. People here were fornicating, people were mixing culture, ancestors and Christ. I told myself that my sin is not that bad.
School started in February and I saw many churches, they are a lot here and everybody was recruiting freshmen for their churches. These are very different churches with very different teachings, which some I did not like or approve thus I told myself that I was not going to attend none of them, 5 months later. Here I am confused about where I am, where I am going, What is church, who to listen to and who must I not listen, I was told that I was over believing when I tried to live a sinless life, and I did not think there was such a thing, ad at this very moment I feel like there is, can Christ make literally made me fly? can I really believe that? that He can make me pass while I do not study? is that how it is? Is that what it means to believe? people twist and turn the bible thus it suits them, I have heard things like its okay to worship in the same style of music that others use to worship lucifer, and what makes it right is that we are doing it for God. Also heard things like Christians introducing toys in their sex lives, some say women wearing pants is wrong, there's a lot that I cant mention here. I am just confused, I just wished Christ would speak to me again like he did before. Because at the moment I really dont know what and what not to do, I AM CONFUSED, and making it to heaven seems not possible. I am back to my old ways of living, though I have not slept with anyone since I was 16 years old, lately thoughts of it have been playing around my head. Can I change from my old ways?
thanks for reading..
