Is it too late? I need advice about infidellity in my marriage

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ashmar

Guest
#1
#1
My husband cheated on me a week after we got married. He went back home for a visit and hooked up with an old friend from high school. I didn't find out about it until several years later when I was going through old financial statements and saw that he had been giving her money. He confessed that time when I confronted him about the infidelity, but we never went through the right process of getting through it. We continued to argue about it for a long time and still do. I always suspected something and I even found his phone records where he had been talking to other women (which he denied for a long time) and he later confessed he often talked with other women on the phone. There was also a time when he had pictures of another women in his rack on the ship and people thought that was his wife.The trouble is it has been nearly three years since I found out and I feel as if we can't go back and work through this. I've brought it up so much in past arguments he's tired of hearing about it and thinks of it as old news. In my mind this is still a big deal and a real hurt. I can't stop thinking about it I find that it crosses my mind daily and happy moments I share with my husband often go south quickly. Worst of all I feel inadequate I want to be wanted/noticed by anyone just for self validation. Additionally there are so many other issues encompassing this that torment me. For instance when I asked my husband to tell the woman he was with he made a mistake and never wanted to speak to her again he refused. When I confronted her about her and my husband being together instead of apologizing she tried to give "Godly advice" on what I should be doing to fix marriage. On top of all of this my husband is in the military and now on sea duty and will be deploying almost every year for at least 3 years and I'm worried about his loyalty to me. I am unsure what to do I want to talk with him about it, but I don't know if I still can, and whether him being deployed now is a good time to do so. I also want to confront this woman again just to get some things off my chest I didn't before, but I am not sure if this is a wise move. My self esteem issues also seem to take over my daily life. Any advice would be helpful.
 
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sifa

Guest
#2
#2
Just pray to Jesus all will be well in Jesus Name
 
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christianwife87

Senior Member
#3
Dec 3, 2013
106
1
18
#3
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, first things first, the other woman is an outsider and even though you feel you have something to say to her, I wouldn't advise that, it will only make matters worse, she clearly has no respect for your marriage, pray for her and let God handle her. I gave another lady some advice on her re as well so I will tell you the same thing I told her, you are in a spiritual warfare, the enemy has captured your husband and he has come to kill steal and destroy your marriage, infidelity of course is a major issue but nothing is impossible for God to fix, it all depends on what steps you want to take with your marriage now that you know that infidelity has happened, do you want to fix your marriage or do you want to end it? God hates divorce but when infidelity occurs God gives you the option to stay or leave. If you want it to work you have to take your focus off of the situation and focus on your relationship with God and making sure your bond with God is unbreakable, then watch God work. He will do the work for you but it all starts with you.
 
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ashmar

Guest
#4
#4
Thank you,

It feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I just don't know sometimes if I can do it. I contemplate all the time if I should just let it all go.
 
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christianwife87

Senior Member
#5
Dec 3, 2013
106
1
18
#5
I totally understand I am going through a certain situations similar to yours, just continue to cry out to God, He will order your steps.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#6
Mar 13, 2014
41,356
16,320
113
69
Tennessee
#6
ashmar said:
My husband cheated on me a week after we got married. He went back home for a visit and hooked up with an old friend from high school. I didn't find out about it until several years later when I was going through old financial statements and saw that he had been giving her money. He confessed that time when I confronted him about the infidelity, but we never went through the right process of getting through it. We continued to argue about it for a long time and still do. I always suspected something and I even found his phone records where he had been talking to other women (which he denied for a long time) and he later confessed he often talked with other women on the phone. There was also a time when he had pictures of another women in his rack on the ship and people thought that was his wife.The trouble is it has been nearly three years since I found out and I feel as if we can't go back and work through this. I've brought it up so much in past arguments he's tired of hearing about it and thinks of it as old news. In my mind this is still a big deal and a real hurt. I can't stop thinking about it I find that it crosses my mind daily and happy moments I share with my husband often go south quickly. Worst of all I feel inadequate I want to be wanted/noticed by anyone just for self validation. Additionally there are so many other issues encompassing this that torment me. For instance when I asked my husband to tell the woman he was with he made a mistake and never wanted to speak to her again he refused. When I confronted her about her and my husband being together instead of apologizing she tried to give "Godly advice" on what I should be doing to fix marriage. On top of all of this my husband is in the military and now on sea duty and will be deploying almost every year for at least 3 years and I'm worried about his loyalty to me. I am unsure what to do I want to talk with him about it, but I don't know if I still can, and whether him being deployed now is a good time to do so. I also want to confront this woman again just to get some things off my chest I didn't before, but I am not sure if this is a wise move. My self esteem issues also seem to take over my daily life. Any advice would be helpful.
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It is obvious that you both were not in prayer of God during the period of time that marriage was contemplated. I don't believe that God has joined the two of you together, you have a legal marriage but do not have a spiritual marriage. Your husband does not love you but only himself. Pray deeply to God about all of the hurt and angry feelings that you are harboring in your heart. Next, get a divorce lawyer. This despicable person needs to walk the plank.
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#7
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#7
My heart goes out to you.......ladies please hear me......
We cannot expect to be loved if we don't love ourselves......I allowed this to happen to me.....
My ex husband was even sleeping with my so called friends.....its mean and hurtful and life
destroying....I found I couldnt fix my marriage unitl I fixed myself.....sounds like your chasing.
someone who doesnt want to fix this.....its called the ostritch effect....he just wants to bury the problem...
that just allows for a repeat behavior...use the time he is deployed to work on you...you are worth more
then living your life under worry of betrayal...waiting for the next time he will hurt you.....
What kind of life is that....leave that girl he was with alone....I remember the desperate need to tell
them what they have done to me .....not worth it... take advantage of his deployment...get to know yourself...
And please please ....give this up to God....He will guide you on how to proceed....im praying for you
my young sister...and if you need to talk to someone I am happy to share with you....
We cant control the actions of others and its foolish to try...focus on you and what you want and
need.. and especially what God wants for you...
 
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christianwife87

Senior Member
#8
Dec 3, 2013
106
1
18
#8
Also please be careful of the advice that you take in, people have said what they believe about my marriage as well, but whatever God has for you is for you and no one else, so their beliefs are irrelevant, and understand that even if you were not saved when you and your husband married it IS still very spiritual and you and your spouse have a covenant with God. People should not throw their beliefs on your situation, they don't know what God is doing with your marriage, he may be taking this time to get to you, and we as people make it a habit of throwing our own opinions out without consulting God. We have to allow God to speak through us, if we can't do that we must refer you back to God on this situation. Pray to God about it. Ask God to silence everyone and everything that hinders you from hearing him.
 
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christianwife87

Senior Member
#9
Dec 3, 2013
106
1
18
#9
If we are Christians we have to display ourselves as such and be like God, God hates divorce, and us as Christians should know that, it is not wise to suggest divorce, you could be going against what God is trying to do. In this situation of infidelity the choice is up to her but we should not suggest something we know that God hates we should not encourage divorce but encourage her to give her situation to God and pray for her.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#10
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
113
#10
Is there any way you can get som counselling for yourself? Is you husband a Christian? Are you a Christian?

While God hates divorce, he also hates adultery. Your husband seems to be a habitual adulterer from what you have described. It is not wrong to NOT trust him! He has cheated on you in the past, you have every right to worry it will keep happening. It sounds like he is a cheater.

If you want to try and save the marriage, you may have to do it by yourself, and be willing to put up with his infidelities. I personally would not! Praying you get some help to figure this out.
 
MsSpratt

MsSpratt

Banned
#11
Apr 26, 2014
274
5
0
#11
ashmar said:
Thank you,

It feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I just don't know sometimes if I can do it. I contemplate all the time if I should just let it all go.
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hi ashmar.
i'm sorry for your troubles. the guy sounds like a jerk (sorry but that's what he sounds like). why do you want to suffer needlessly? if he committed adultery you can go on with your life. it won't be easy at first and i know it hurts, but you already said you know it won't be a good marriage.

being married has so many trials already that infidelity, especially when you are dealing with somebody who sounds like it's a hobby, not just a one time thing....idk why we feel like we have to spend so much time suffering over it. and i know from my own thing that as long as i kept involved in the whole sick mess i sinned too (trhoughts of hate and stuff).

i wish the best for you though.
 
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ashmar

Guest
#12
#12
Thank you so much. I truly do not believe that divorce is the only answer. I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you are advocating that I focus on what God wants for me and my husband.
 
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ashmar

Guest
#13
#13
Angela53510 said:
Is there any way you can get som counselling for yourself? Is you husband a Christian? Are you a Christian?

While God hates divorce, he also hates adultery. Your husband seems to be a habitual adulterer from what you have described. It is not wrong to NOT trust him! He has cheated on you in the past, you have every right to worry it will keep happening. It sounds like he is a cheater.

If you want to try and save the marriage, you may have to do it by yourself, and be willing to put up with his infidelities. I personally would not! Praying you get some help to figure this out.
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Yes we did counseling before I found out about his infidelity. In the end I felt it was a waste of time because he was being deceitful the entire time. I attempted once more to reach out to counseling through a workshop at our church for couples going through infidelity and he refused to go and said I should go for me. He is a Christian I just feel like his relationship with God is not there. I think you are right i may have to go about doing this myself. Thank you so much for the support
 
A

ashmar

Guest
#14
#14
MsSpratt said:
hi ashmar.
i'm sorry for your troubles. the guy sounds like a jerk (sorry but that's what he sounds like). why do you want to suffer needlessly? if he committed adultery you can go on with your life. it won't be easy at first and i know it hurts, but you already said you know it won't be a good marriage.

being married has so many trials already that infidelity, especially when you are dealing with somebody who sounds like it's a hobby, not just a one time thing....idk why we feel like we have to spend so much time suffering over it. and i know from my own thing that as long as i kept involved in the whole sick mess i sinned too (trhoughts of hate and stuff).

i wish the best for you though.
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I think you are right. I just feel like the resentment and anger I hold towards him is really affecting my spiritual relationship with God. It's just so hard, you know, to forgive and take away the emotions that come along with it. I'm thinking about what you said about about going on with my life and I think I know the answer I'm just scared. I really appreciate your words.
 
A

ashmar

Guest
#15
#15
christianwife87 said:
Also please be careful of the advice that you take in, people have said what they believe about my marriage as well, but whatever God has for you is for you and no one else, so their beliefs are irrelevant, and understand that even if you were not saved when you and your husband married it IS still very spiritual and you and your spouse have a covenant with God. People should not throw their beliefs on your situation, they don't know what God is doing with your marriage, he may be taking this time to get to you, and we as people make it a habit of throwing our own opinions out without consulting God. We have to allow God to speak through us, if we can't do that we must refer you back to God on this situation. Pray to God about it. Ask God to silence everyone and everything that hinders you from hearing him.
Click to expand...
I think you are absolutely right. Ive been going through some of the other forums and seeing how a lot of people suggest divorce and I was kind of worried that it was the only viable option. I want to work through it, but I also want to do whatever God calls me to do. I really do appreciate your words and honesty.
 
A

ashmar

Guest
#16
#16
I truly want to thank everyone for their advice. Whether or not God called my husband and I to be together. I think this whole experience is meant for something so much more. Maybe perhaps to strengthen my faith? All I know is the only way I can make sense of all of this is to continue to pray and seek God for understanding. Thanks again
 
C

Chileya

Guest
#17
#17
No matter how many advice we can give you the decision is yours to make. I was and still fighting the same battles with the help of God... If you want to work on your marriage you need to first forgive your husband and the girlfriend and surrender them to God ( Mathews 11-28)I know it is had but with God on your side you can do it. Pray for him, love him and respect him. it's just devil that is using him. Seek God's face. Jeremiah 33-3 call unto God he will answer you. Numbers 14-28 he will do you just want you ask. There's nothing to hard for The Lord . God is still in the business of restoring broken marriages. Psalm 121 just look to God that's were you help will come from because mine came from there. I will stand with you in prayer.
 
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