Marriage advice. Please help me.

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jolynn434

Guest
#1
#1
I have been married for a while, and it has been a rocky relationship, I believe, thanks to me. When my husband and I first started dating almost 5 years ago, I cheated on him. I regret doing it. When the affair happened, my oldest daughter was conceived. I love her with all my heart. Until about two years ago, the guilt finally left. I was able to move on. We became married after she was born. My husband and I had to split for several months after a massive fight back in 2011. We got back together after thanksgiving and worked everything out. In July of 2012, I became pregnant with my second child. She is now three weeks old. During my pregnancy, I made another big mistake - I cheated again. This time, it was due to emotional loneliness. Right after I got pregnant, he started playing video games. I didn't mind them at first, but then it got to be him wanting to play them every single night for hours on end. The time he would spend with me wouldn't equal up to the video game. Time with me was an hour each night, and the time with the game was over 4 hours. I was very lonely. I read, watched movies, tried to keep myself busy. Nothing worked. I was trying to tell a friend of mine what was going on, and he suggested I cone over the next day and talk in person. I did that, and I wish I didn't. Yes, he was there for me, but that was the day I cheated for the second time. I was so ashamed that I kept it a secret. It happened two days before Halloween. My husband found out right on Thanksgiving. He decided to snoop through my emails and then demanded my phone. I confessed. We fought for two days. No matter how many times I said I was sorry, swore I would never do it again, made promises that I have faithfully kept, he is still hanging this over my head. He will not live it down. He has also been very emotionally abusive to me since. He said he has fallen out of love with me, called me names, sexually abused me in a way, and is now making comments about my weight and how my body looks. I just gave birth three weeks ago. I'm not going to look like a super model any time soon. He has asked me a few times when am I going to the gym and when I'm going to start dieting. Two months after he found out, I thought we were on our way to repairing the relationship. Nope. Turns out it was the complete opposite. He was on dating sites, looking for different women and asking if they would be interested in him and if he should get rid of me. I made him get off it. He was also texting a prostitute he found through Craigslist. One month later, he created a new email just so he could have private conversations with women and get on another dating site. He finally deleted the dating site one week before the baby was born. But then I found out he was looking at other women's naked pictures and porn every night for three weeks on his phone without me knowing it. He has stopped. But in the past week, I have wondered if he is going to stray just because I cannot have sex until my postpartum check up. He has forced sex and made me perform oral several times. I'm wondering if this relationship is worth it. I have remained faithful since. I have been to counseling, church, prayed night and day. I'm not sure what else. to do anymore. I am a Christian. I have repented and been baptized. My husband is agnostic.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#2
#2
This post hits very close to home for me; I have been very nearly in your situation. Minor differences, but overall the same result- a marriage on the verge of failing, and it was mainly because of my actions.

I want you to know I will be praying for you. I know that sounds like such a cliche sort of answer to your problems, like I'm just giving you a cookie-cutter answer, but I cried for you reading this, and if there was anything more immediate and material I could offer you, I would.

In my situation, I am grateful that there were no children involved. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling because of all of this, regardless of who is at fault for what. Also, I had a baby in February, and my emotions are still crazy- I remember the 3 week mark, and I really really feel for you.

Advice? I can only tell you what worked for my marriage. And that was God. My husband and I wronged each other; I was unfaithful, I was...gosh, I was so awful. My husband was no angel, but that didn't excuse my own behavior. This is something you'll have to accept, in order to move forward and heal, regardless of whether you end the marriage, or he does, or you stay together- it sounds like you're on the path to accepting and correcting your behavior, though, so I pray that you'll be able to forgive yourself and allow God to work in your life from here on out.

That was the big thing for me and my husband- ALLOWING God to come in and change us both. It took several years, and through all those months I remember praying, every night, that God would be the foundation of our marriage. But then I'd take matters into my own hands, and royally screw everything up. And still, God answered my prayers; when I stopped my bad, totally unacceptable behavior, and began to treat my husband with real respect, THEN God was able to work miracles in both our hearts.

I don't know if this is making any sense; it's hard for me to talk about, and emotions get in the way of my coherency. I'm not going to tell you what you should do in this situation; I will only say that even when there has been abuse, or unfaithfulness by even both spouses, when there has been so much pain and so many mistakes, God CAN heal you, He CAN work in your lives. My husband was a different religion when we married; we too were unequally yoked. Even that God can overcome.

I'm not telling you these things to convince you of what you should or shouldn't do. I just want you to know that you're not alone, and that God healed my disaster of a marriage; so there is hope.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#3
#3
You don't say if you were Christian when you were cheating on him, but I'm guessing you were not. The early history of the marriage, being what it was, I don't think either of you were ready. As a Christian, you cannot leave him, but as an agnostic, he can leave you. (I Cor. 7:13-16) You need to tell him what your Chrsitianity demands of you, and you need to make certain you do it. Then it becomes his choice to leave you or to stay. It sounds like he has already left you in his heart, but by the Scriptures, let us hope that he will see the change in you, and will decide to accept Jesus as well. As MisCris says, Jesus can and wants to save the marriage, and fix the behaviors, if the both of you will let him.
 
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jolynn434

Guest
#4
#4
MissCris, thank you for posting. You don't know how much it means to have someone who has been in my situation give their input. Your outcome gives me some hope.
Kenisyes, no, I was not fully dedicated to Christ when I was doing all of my shameful acts. But I don't understand one thing - some of his actions when he is home are very loving and caring. He hugs me, kisses me, asks me if I'm okay. But the other actions like forcing sex on me obviously isn't. His words obviously don't tell me that he cares, especially when he is degrading me. Why is he giving me mixed signals?
 
Outsider

Outsider

Banned
#5
Apr 13, 2013
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#5
. As a Christian, you cannot leave him, but as an agnostic, he can leave you. (I Cor. 7:13-16) You need to tell him what your Chrsitianity demands of you, and you need to make certain you do it. Then it becomes his choice to leave you or to stay.
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That's very dangerous advice. You don't tell someone, who's in an abusive relationship, that they shouldn't get out of it.

Jolynn, nobody should live in an abusive relationship, whether it be physical or mental. It's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for your children. You have two options. Either you need to fix the relationship, or the two of you need to separate.

He said he has fallen out of love with me, called me names, sexually abused me in a way, and is now making comments about my weight and how my body looks.
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I'm not an expert, but it sounds like he's trying to dominate you, to make up for his own insecurities. It's clear he doesn't have respect for you. This probably has to do with you cheating on him, though it could be his natural personality. The part I bolded, where you mentioned sexual abuse, is a great concern.

The fact he's looking for other women to have sex with hints that he's trying to have a form of "revenge". You went out and had sex with another guy, he want's to do the same to you so he can feel more on you level.

This is all speculation. Don't take my word for it, go out and get a second opinion. Go see a counselor. A good counselor can pinpoint the cause of your husband's insecurities, and he can tell you how to fix them. And if you honestly feel like you need to leave him, don't be afraid to do so.
 
Outsider

Outsider

Banned
#6
Apr 13, 2013
76
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#6
jolynn434 said:
MissCris, thank you for posting. You don't know how much it means to have someone who has been in my situation give their input. Your outcome gives me some hope.
Kenisyes, no, I was not fully dedicated to Christ when I was doing all of my shameful acts. But I don't understand one thing - some of his actions when he is home are very loving and caring. He hugs me, kisses me, asks me if I'm okay. But the other actions like forcing sex on me obviously isn't. His words obviously don't tell me that he cares, especially when he is degrading me. Why is he giving me mixed signals?
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Probably sexual frustration. If he's generally a loving and caring husband, then maybe you should consider spicing up your love life. He might feel like you're not as attracted to him as other guys, so he puts you down. Maybe if you helped him feel more like a man, it might help? Sorry, don't take this as advice, I'm just brainstorming ideas.
 
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Duckies

Guest
#7
#7
Hi Jolynn, i am terribly sorry for the situation you guys are currently going. And while many of us can offer advice, prayer and help in anyway possible, the damage caused by the both of you needs to be managed and helped given the seriousness of it. I strongly suggest you guys seek marriage counseling through a church.

From experience, things can get incredibly hard to manage between a couple as there are open wounds and we can easily feel offended or attack our loved one. A counselor would bring the 3rd neutrally safe party that can help manage the pain done, and help you guys get back on a road with new goals. Having new goals, having forgiven one another and working as a team with God's will in mind will get you many places and will heal overtime.

As human beings we do damage and God is aware of this, this is why he is always there to help us heal and understand; he is not there to just make the problem go away (we are responsible for it), but he will provide all the necessary tools for the problem to be solved, He Makes Everything New as long as you let him do so by working through you both.

Please remember that this is about team work and both must be willing to do so as you function as a single body in God's eyes. God Bless Your family and i will be praying for you both. Please don't give up and ask God for his guidance, there isnt anything that he cannot do as you can see by MissCris' testimony. Keep reaching out as much as you need to, you are not alone :) God Bless!!
 
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jolynn434

Guest
#8
#8
Yes, he has thought about seeking revenge. One thing I did forget to mention - right before I found out about the first dating site, he actually had the nerve to tell me that he had been thinking about inviting another woman over to our house and having sex with her in OUR BED while I AM HOME. That killed me inside. That was going to be his revenge. I, my counselor, my father-in-law, my mother, my father, and my sister all have suggested counseling through someone at my church. He refuses. He says it is a waste of time and "all they will do is make you talk." Well, duh. That's kinda the idea.... I am willing to work on the relationship. I am willing to do anything. Well, I was. Up until recently, I had no intentions of giving up...
 
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jolynn434

Guest
#10
#10
I have tried getting him to counseling. I have tried getting him to meet with my pastor. I have done everything he has asked me to do - I have been as honest as possible (I have a hard time expressing my feelings), I have stopped talking to the man I had the second affair with (I can't stop talking to the first man because he has visitations with my oldest daughter), I let him see my phone and Facebook and email, I don't browse the internet, I don't flirt, I keep my counseling appointment unless I'm sick, I have tried to get him to come to church. His stepmother goes to the same church I do, so we both have tried to get him to attend. I try to please him. I try to treat him better than I treat myself. I bend over backwards for him, regardless of how sick or tired I am. I have some trust for him, but I can't help but wonder if he is going to get on more dating sites. After we got married, I found out he was on 7 dating sites on Valentine's Day. I forced him off those. Then he did it again, and he says he deserves better? :-(
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#11
#11
jolynn434 said:
He hugs me, kisses me, asks me if I'm okay. But the other actions like forcing sex on me obviously isn't. His words obviously don't tell me that he cares, especially when he is degrading me. Why is he giving me mixed signals?
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Okay, I have to guess, and this is different from what I heard you say in OP. This sounds to me like the two of you got into this quite young, and never really have figured out and communicated about what both of you need. Having a baby can be difficult on a husband who is used to having a wife who meets his sexual needs in a way that she cannot during the end of pregnancy and just after. You make many comments of this type. It sounds like he wants to love you but does not know how. It also sounds like he cannot tell you what he needs. Hence, both of you reach(ed) out elsewhere. It also explains several extreme statements you make like "forced sex" "made me perform..." "not going to look like a supermodel". That's not what marriage is about. It's a ministry of total love and commitment to each other, and a ministry of making new servants of Jesus for tomorrow's world. God wants to mature you both to that kind of love. A big part of this is talking about it, and approaching each other's needs as a joint problem for you to solve together.

The two of you need to sit down, and be honest with yourselves and each other as to your sexual, emotional, and love needs, and to your expectations. Also to the reality of now two children that need to be ministered to.

There is an extreme case of this that happens sometimes, called postpartum depression. A woman occasionally gets so depressed (chemically) that there is nothing that makes her feel loved, or worth anything.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#12
#12
Outsider said:
You don't tell someone, who's in an abusive relationship, that they shouldn't get out of it.
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You are correct. But this is not an abusive relationship. There is no physical or mental danger mentioned or implied in the posts.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#13
#13
jolynn434 said:
I forced him off those. Then he did it again, and he says he deserves better? :-(
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You two have got to stop communicating with threats of retalliation, and "forcing", and have an honest discussion about your needs.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#14
#14
Can we get something clarified, jolynn? Just so people aren't confused here...

When you say your husband forces sex on you, do you mean rape, as in you have no choice in the matter? Or is it that he talks you into it, or makes you feel guilty, and you end up just saying yes to appease him when you really would rather say no?

Either way isn't right; but truly FORCING himself on you is different than GUILTING you into it.
 
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wit2Christlv

Guest
#15
#15
It sounds like hes trying to hurt you as much as you hurt him but hes taking it to the extreme. I have someone in my family that went through somewhat of the same thing. She ended up leaving him, not divorcing, and gave it time. They both realized all their mistakes and both started really going to church. He got saved after the break up, praise God. Now there working on getting back together. Your husbands going to realize that the grass isnt greener on the other side, its green where you water it. If I were you I would give it time and just give it to God and He will make something beautiful out of this situation. God bless you and your family.
 
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jolynn434

Guest
#16
#16
I say I don't want to do anything, I even give him hints. And he knows those hints. But he makes a nonverbal statement that he wants sex. The majority of the time, he begs me and bugs me, makes me feel guilty, and I end up saying yes. The other times, when I'm too tired, he won't wait for me to say anything. He will just make the gestures for me to do something to him. He will force my head down onto him so that I'm performing oral, and he won't let go until he is satisfied. He also will not give me any type of pleasure so that I can enjoy the sex. He will enter me with no lubrication and the sex becomes painful. Also, since I can't please him right now, he has actually been able to enter me when he knows i can't physically handle the pressure. I'm still healing from a c-section!
 
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Hungry

Banned
#17
Nov 26, 2012
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#17
Jolynn it really upsets me to hear your situation. I would love nothing more than to give you the perfect advice but unfortunately I fear Solomon himself might fall short of wisdom here. Right now is crucial for mother baby bonding time. You need to be relaxed and as emotionally stable as possible. Your other child is also going through some issues when another baby comes home. You also need to be there for her. This is a special time for all of you. Yes mistakes have been made but it is time to draw a line in the sand and say I'm going to start from here. Your husband needs to man up. Christian or not it's time to be a man. He has obligations. As head of that house he needs to be the protector, provider and leader. I don't care who you get to tell him but someone needs to tell him to put the games away and smarten up. That's life. It's not just him anymore. Unfortunately I'm also compelled to warn you that if he's still that immature, selfish and insecure then he might cheat. It sounds like the potential women may not be "clean". This is dangerous in and of itself but if you are breast feeding this may also prove deadly for an infant. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Lastly but not least important you are special and valuable. There is nobody as significant especially to your babies. Please don't appraise your worth by men that pay attention to you. Forgive yourself and embrace your identity as one of God's children.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#18
#18
Jolynn...

My heart is breaking for you. I'm at a loss how to handle what you're going through, but I will say this:

Stand up for yourself in the bedroom. A C-section is major surgery (I just had my second one) on TOP OF the emotional upheaval of having a baby in the first place. I'm less concerned about the guilt trips your husband gives you about sex (although it's definitely a problem) than about any physical force he is using on you during your 6 week time of healing (or any other time, for that matter). You could be seriously, seriously injured. If that's truly what's going on, if he is actually using physical force, you need to get away. Call it a separation until your incision is healed, but that's what I suggest at this point. You cannot allow him to do this to you, not while you are healing, not while you are caring for an infant, preferably never again.

I hate that I have to suggest a separation at all, as I didn't want to give advice about a situation I can't see for myself, but if he is unconcerned about hurting you, you need to get out of that situation, at the very least until after your 6 weeks is up.
 
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Hungry

Banned
#19
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
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#19
jolynn434 said:
I say I don't want to do anything, I even give him hints. And he knows those hints. But he makes a nonverbal statement that he wants sex. The majority of the time, he begs me and bugs me, makes me feel guilty, and I end up saying yes. The other times, when I'm too tired, he won't wait for me to say anything. He will just make the gestures for me to do something to him. He will force my head down onto him so that I'm performing oral, and he won't let go until he is satisfied. He also will not give me any type of pleasure so that I can enjoy the sex. He will enter me with no lubrication and the sex becomes painful. Also, since I can't please him right now, he has actually been able to enter me when he knows i can't physically handle the pressure. I'm still healing from a c-section!
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It is worse than I thought and my heart goes out to you. He really only cares for himself but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. He is now just using you. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this at this time in your life. Do you love him?
 
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jolynn434

Guest
#20
#20
I do, but not in the same way I did when we got married. I still have romantic feelings, but he doesn't give me the butterfly-in-my-stomach feeling.
 
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