Marriage Bed Questions

[kenisyes]

To Whoever can help me

I am married to my rapist...(long story) and I want to know if there is some secret key for performing my wifely duty without tears and without sin. In other words, I either cry or think of another when we did such act. It has been many years since my husband and I have come together that way. I cannot simply do it because I either flash back to what was done to me many years ago, or I sin by thinking of another. So I stopped all relations whatsoever, many years ago to proctect my soul.

Any thoughts?

Thanks so much

You posted: "This place is a joke! Just proves there is no one to help!" (Post #13)
You are saying that we have not answered the question in the OP. I quoted the OP again here.

Your OP had one question and one implied question.

The question was "any thoughts?" That we have answered. We have given our thoughts.

The implied question of how to perform your wifely duty is answered here: You must first be a wife. You are not now a wife. You may be a wife legally, but not in fact, or in the eyes of God.

If you want help, then the way to get it is to let God fulfill your desire to be a good wife, by letting Him get you a real husband. Get this marriage annuled and move on to a real marriage. Get married to the man God has chosen for you, instead of this man that your father's response to a rape chose for you.

 

[JimJimmers]

Jimmers, tacky method to throw someone under a bus just to have yourself heard.
Im docking you 200 pts. And wish you to use better techniques in the future.
And please stay away from the forum cookies and beverages until you get a different attitude.

Abiding, I choose my words carefully. I'll be glad to PM with you about it if you'd like, but I'll not derail this lady's thread. -JIM

 

[amazed]

If you don't want to end this marriage, what do you actually want? If it is healing, or whatever it is, Jesus can do it. Perhaps you need to go to an independent counselor outside of your church.

 

[Surviving]

How do you delete a thread?
and
How do you delete an account?

 

[JimJimmers]

You cannot delete a thread after a certain period, I believe 5 minutes. If you want your account deleted, you must contact a site administrator. God bless.

 

[Batman007]

How do you delete a thread?
and
How do you delete an account?

I would love to stay in contact with you away from the site if you're comfortable. You're post really hit home for me and I want to help any way I can, even if I'm just someone to talk to.

But I understand completely if you're uncomfortable with that. I just know that support was one of the big things that got me through the abuse with my father.

 

[Lucy68]

I'm so sorry you're in such a situation . So sad. You might want to try counseling for yourself (outside of your church?) and then maybe your husband will join you later. I think you mentioned in a post that you were going to do that. Good for you! All things are possible with God...so don't give up.

 

[Lucy68]

Since your thread is labeled 'marriage bed questions' I assume you're asking about sexual relations between husband and wife. Though sex is not the MOST important part of a marriage, it is still a very important part. Paul talks about spouses not withholding sex from each other unless it's a mutual decision for a temporary amount of time.

In order to have harmony in your marriage you both really should go to counseling together and get these issues worked out. Married life is meant to be enjoyable, a home is meant to be in harmony....please seek help.

 

[Tearose84]

Is your husband abusive to you now or are you only struggling with flashbacks and unforgiveness? Depending on how he is treating you now would my answer be based since this happened 30 years ago and you have beautiful children and a life together. And is it unforgiveness or not? not necessarily. Having been a rape victim myself, I am aware of the pain that it causes.
If you really want the marriage, I am a strong believer that God can make beauty out of the ashes. What happened in the past, 30 years ago, does not mean this relationship is doomed to failure. God can heal. Who he was and who you were are not necessarily the people you are now. I beleive you two can fall in love with the people you are now, if the relationship has no abuse. Honesty and the desire to make it work are what is important. Give it to God, tell your husband you want to make this work and ask him to work with you to make a beautiful marriage. Seek counseling for yourself, much prayer to God to heal the past and the pain.
If you don't want the marriage, well then delete all my thoughts!

 

[OnThisRock]

There are alot of bad things we can internalize and tell ourselves about a situation because of being a victim of long term abuse (and it can become a cycle). In any way, do you feel that you don't deserve freedom, and/or an abundant life? That happened to me with a man once, when I was young. Things went too far, and then I thought I had to stay. Once I left that situation I realized that I grew more and healed pretty quickly. I just had to take one leap of faith to get out. All you need is a mustard seed to know that maybe things won't be so easy, but more fulfilling and healing for you if you take care of yourself and think about making some changes for yourself (aside from him). Start small. Start with self care. GBU and prayers and blessings your way.

 

[pickles]

Surviving, I tried to message you, but you are not recieving messages.
I hope you have not yet deleted your account, as I can answer your questions.
And in Jesus, know what you can do.
Please private message me.
I will be praying for you in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

 

[ReinItIn]

help? poepel and God can give us councel, insight, opperurtunity and instruction.. The reality is we have to act on it. If we don't implement change within ourself. Nothing really changes. It is up to you to reject those things that are destructive and recieve what is beneficial.

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

Surviving; Most people that have responded to your thread do care about you. They try helping you out, as well as they understand that this marriage situation of yours is very destructible, too. Most of them understands that this is tough for you, same way as they try their best helping you out.

You have to most of all pray God for guidance, but also to listen to what He has to say. Many times one can pray and pray but never truly listen to what He has to say. Be open for God, as well as be open for what He says through His Word. God is the one who knows you the most, and He cares for you. He knows about everything you have been going through, also what you are going through now too.

You are saying that you will never get healed. You shouldn't let the devil win with this statement over you, as you do can be healed through Jesus Christ. I know that it is difficult beleiving in this when you are hurting a lot, then often one feels like one will never reach to that point of ever experiencing healing in one's life. But it is still very possible, just don't give up fully about this. In Jesus Christ's name you can be healed from anything that has hurt and affected you in a negative way in your life. We should just keep on having faith in the Lord, even if we are still walking through storms in our lives. Remember that after a storm, there will always come a complete calmness afterwards.


Have Courage! God bless you!

 

[tdrew777]

I have no easy answers, and will not repeat the good counsel above, but will add something new to chew on. Just a relevant thought.
John 10:2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. 4 When he hath put forth all his own, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. 5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.
The voice of Satan has a tone that can be distinguished. He says, "You are trapped you have no other option." He is like a yappy little dog that chases a boy onto the roof. The dog has no real power, but the boy feels that the dog made him climb the roof.
The voice of Jesus also has a tone that can be distinguished. He says, "You are free. Choose wisely. There IS in front of you a path that leads to life."
Just saying.

 

[Lucy68]

Is your husband abusive to you now or are you only struggling with flashbacks and unforgiveness? Depending on how he is treating you now would my answer be based since this happened 30 years ago and you have beautiful children and a life together. And is it unforgiveness or not? not necessarily. Having been a rape victim myself, I am aware of the pain that it causes.
If you really want the marriage, I am a strong believer that God can make beauty out of the ashes. What happened in the past, 30 years ago, does not mean this relationship is doomed to failure. God can heal. Who he was and who you were are not necessarily the people you are now. I beleive you two can fall in love with the people you are now, if the relationship has no abuse. Honesty and the desire to make it work are what is important. Give it to God, tell your husband you want to make this work and ask him to work with you to make a beautiful marriage. Seek counseling for yourself, much prayer to God to heal the past and the pain.
If you don't want the marriage, well then delete all my thoughts!

Very well said .

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

Is your husband abusive to you now or are you only struggling with flashbacks and unforgiveness? Depending on how he is treating you now would my answer be based since this happened 30 years ago and you have beautiful children and a life together. And is it unforgiveness or not? not necessarily. Having been a rape victim myself, I am aware of the pain that it causes.
If you really want the marriage, I am a strong believer that God can make beauty out of the ashes. What happened in the past, 30 years ago, does not mean this relationship is doomed to failure. God can heal. Who he was and who you were are not necessarily the people you are now. I beleive you two can fall in love with the people you are now, if the relationship has no abuse. Honesty and the desire to make it work are what is important. Give it to God, tell your husband you want to make this work and ask him to work with you to make a beautiful marriage. Seek counseling for yourself, much prayer to God to heal the past and the pain.
If you don't want the marriage, well then delete all my thoughts!

I find this very inspirational. Just thought about it last night. I think this can also happen for any couples wanting to feed and spicy up their marriage with love, as this is important to be having also in any marriages in general. My thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Breizhour]

I am married to my rapist...(long story) and I want to know if there is some secret key for performing my wifely duty without tears and without sin. In other words, I either cry or think of another when we did such act. It has been many years since my husband and I have come together that way. I cannot simply do it because I either flash back to what was done to me many years ago, or I sin by thinking of another. So I stopped all relations whatsoever, many years ago to proctect my soul.

I would say that in this case, the sinner is your husband as he never apologized for what he did to you and for using you as a simple object for his own lust thirst.

There is only duty when love is involved. If your husband respect and love you, you owe him the very basic duties of marriage. It is not the case here. I would give you my opinion : you don't have to have sexual intercourse with him. Explain him frankly your feelings, your situation and your decision to not suffer this anymore. After that, he may understand you and apologize, or not.

Your dignity is non-negociable and so is your right to love and respect from others, especially your husband. No love, no sex.

 

[BarlyGurl]

I would say that in this case, the sinner is your husband as he never apologized for what he did to you and for using you as a simple object for his own lust thirst.

There is only duty when love is involved. If your husband respect and love you, you owe him the very basic duties of marriage. It is not the case here. I would give you my opinion : you don't have to have sexual intercourse with him. Explain him frankly your feelings, your situation and your decision to not suffer this anymore. After that, he may understand you and apologize, or not.

Your dignity is non-negociable and so is your right to love and respect from others, especially your husband. No love, no sex.

Maybe you can show us from the scriptures where it says sex or no sex is to be used as leverage, a bargaining tool, or a punishment for some other offense???

 

[Breizhour]

I'm not talking about leverage, but about love and respect here. A wife has duties as long as the husband fulfills his own. If sex intercourse is a source of suffering for one partner, then he or she is right to protect herself/himself. For a wife has to be obedient to her husband but her husband has to be obedient to God. God does not use us as tools, but loves us as human being and sons. When a man rapes a woman and use her for his own lust thirst, he's not obedient to God but to Satan. By obeying a husband in such situation, the wife is not helping her husband to obey God but to turn himself to Satan. The wife has a responsability for herself as for her husband. In this case, stopping sexual relations would be necessary to protect a woman from her selfish husband.

 

[BarlyGurl]

A wife has duties as long as the husband fulfills his own. YOu didn't answer the first questions with any scripture... can you back this up with scripture??? If sex intercourse is a source of suffering for one partner, then he or she is right to protect herself/himself. For a wife has to be obedient to her husband but her husband has to be obedient to God. God does not use us as tools, Tools??? I said use sex as a TOOL... which you still haven't answered and now your "story" has strayed so far from the facts of the case for the OP... it is no longer applicable.