Marriage in funny phase

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S

Stanelake

Guest
#1
#1
Hello all. Gotta ask advice from the ladies especially.

Been married nearly 5 yrs now had a rough start in marriage can not really say we were ever happy in the first year. Finances, social issues, control etc we were in deep trouble. In it all, honestly, I wasn't a good husband but she was not a good wife either. She would push I would push back. I would push she would do the same. It has always been a rolercoaster.

However, we started normalizing and later, say in the 2nd/3rd year we began enjoying here and there. The thing is that i am not understanding her now. These days everything is my fault.

  • If she calls in a bad mood and I ask her, she would accuse me of embarrassing her on the phone.
  • If I approach her for sex and she ignores me, & I ask her then she bursts and shouts at me for accusing her.
  • If i then let go and not ask for sex its my fault again- i am considered unavailable.
  • If she suggests something and I happen to choose something else I am a bad person.
  • If she asks me to collect her during working hours and I am occupied, she is angry and I am the problem- she says I am not paying attention to her needs and I only want things for me. I have stopped complaining about some issues in order to avoid the commotion.
  • If she is angry she shouts at me and is not willing to be calmed down.
  • If i talk to her and she doesn't listen i fear to mention it cause she wants me to pay attention to her yet she cannot do that for me-it demotivates me to pay attention to her.
  • I dont understand why its so bad now. we do not fight the dirty way of the early days but the consequences of the small things are now increasingly great. I feel the atmoshere is too heavy for the events of the time. If this was happening in the first year I'd understnad because then we used to have real fights.

The real thing is why is it always my fault? How can I get us to cooperate and talk things like the marriage is ours- not hers nor mine- ours. When we talk the discussions easily break down and she is content on just airing her views even if she may use abusive/offensive language. How can I get us to click?

My greatest concern is that we are now pastors. We have been in office 4 months. If we continue like this we may fail. I truly love God and want to live my life in service for Him. To my wife it has turned out to be an opportunity to twist me-she can push me as far as she wishes as if to say now I cannot afford to do without her; that's true I cant but i am feeling cornered/manipulated.
 
P

psychomom

Guest
#2
#2
Wow.
It definitely sounds like the two of you could use some outside help,
from a third party with nothing to gain or lose (disinterested, I would say, but that makes it sound like it shouldn't!).
I would normally say, "Go to your pastor..."...but...

My greatest concern came in, too, when I read your greatest concern...that you are in ministry.
I believe that scripture supports the idea that you can't really do this if your own household is not in order.
Keeping in mind that ministry is a calling (that needs a gifting),
and that the gift of teaching doesn't make one gifted for shepherding (or vice-versa),
and that Biblically churches are governed by a body of elders....
and hoping you have such a body where you minister,
I think it would be good to go to them in humility and ask for help.
If your wife will not go (and she should be asked to go)
I still think you should.

You cannot change her, you can only love her as Christ loves His Church,
which is to die for her sake. ♥ (daily, or moment by moment, if need be)
Whether or not she is doing what she should.
Maybe especially when she isn't doing as she should. :)
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I share from what little I have learned in 33 years of marriage
to a wonderful man who did these things for me when I least deserved it.
He just...loved me, in word and deed, every day.
Yes, he got impatient with me, and yes, he became frustrated from time to time. ;)
But through it all, he laid down his wants and needs for my sake...ultimately for Christ's sake. ♥

If your wife had written, I would be saying different things. :)
You and she will be in my prayers today.
Grace to you, and peace,
ellie
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#3
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#3
Try to get her to go to counseling with you. I know this is one side of the situation but it does sound like she has anger/resentment that needs to be dealt with. This conflict in your marriage will definitely affect your ministry, so don't try to ignore it.

Praying for you both...strength, guidance, and forgiveness.
 
A

Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#4
#4
. . . . . .vacation? go somewhere its just the two of you and shower her with ALL of your attention. and pray for her. you're pastors so you KNOW the devil is out to get your marriage and show your church that not even the pastors can hold it together.

also try going to someone to talk about your issues. right now she feels like you're the bad guy. so its going to be hard to convince her to see it from your side. a neutral party might be needed to help you guys sort some things out. ^_^.

hope this helps! GOD BLESS!!!
 
Mediate

Mediate

Banned
#5
Dec 14, 2009
1,400
2
0
#5
Stanelake said:
Hello all. Gotta ask advice from the ladies especially.

Been married nearly 5 yrs now had a rough start in marriage can not really say we were ever happy in the first year. Finances, social issues, control etc we were in deep trouble. In it all, honestly, I wasn't a good husband but she was not a good wife either. She would push I would push back. I would push she would do the same. It has always been a rolercoaster.

However, we started normalizing and later, say in the 2nd/3rd year we began enjoying here and there. The thing is that i am not understanding her now. These days everything is my fault.

  • If she calls in a bad mood and I ask her, she would accuse me of embarrassing her on the phone.
  • If I approach her for sex and she ignores me, & I ask her then she bursts and shouts at me for accusing her.
  • If i then let go and not ask for sex its my fault again- i am considered unavailable.
  • If she suggests something and I happen to choose something else I am a bad person.
  • If she asks me to collect her during working hours and I am occupied, she is angry and I am the problem- she says I am not paying attention to her needs and I only want things for me. I have stopped complaining about some issues in order to avoid the commotion.
  • If she is angry she shouts at me and is not willing to be calmed down.
  • If i talk to her and she doesn't listen i fear to mention it cause she wants me to pay attention to her yet she cannot do that for me-it demotivates me to pay attention to her.
  • I dont understand why its so bad now. we do not fight the dirty way of the early days but the consequences of the small things are now increasingly great. I feel the atmoshere is too heavy for the events of the time. If this was happening in the first year I'd understnad because then we used to have real fights.

The real thing is why is it always my fault? How can I get us to cooperate and talk things like the marriage is ours- not hers nor mine- ours. When we talk the discussions easily break down and she is content on just airing her views even if she may use abusive/offensive language. How can I get us to click?

My greatest concern is that we are now pastors. We have been in office 4 months. If we continue like this we may fail. I truly love God and want to live my life in service for Him. To my wife it has turned out to be an opportunity to twist me-she can push me as far as she wishes as if to say now I cannot afford to do without her; that's true I cant but i am feeling cornered/manipulated.
Click to expand...

Sit her down, pour some wine, run her a bath, put some cologne on, and massage her feet then ask her what's been bothering her.

Could just be you two need some fun-time together.

There must be a reason you got together in the first place. Find it again.
 
C

canole1983

Guest
#6
#6
Keep praying! I would also suggest couseling, but she has to WANT to go or it will be a waste of time. She may also need induvidual couseling b/c she may have some personal issues that have nothing to do with you that need to be dealt with. You should also throw in the bath and foot massage as suggested by Meditate. Just from what you've written your wife sounds a lot like me and the suggestions above are what would help me realize that there are serious issues that need to be worked through. Tell her you love her constantly, give her flowers, write her letters etc... above all trust in God, He will get you and your wife through this.
 
S

Stanelake

Guest
#7
#7
:)
Thank you for the prayers and the suggestions.
Well I decided to go a further mile in prayer as suggested by others. I felt more at ease during prayer and I have found it easier to live. I'm planning a holiday for us and hope we can reconnect again

May God bless you all
 
sanglina

sanglina

Senior Member
#8
Jul 28, 2012
857
4
0
#8
I came across this beautiful biblical quote (or rather passages) on love and thought of posting it here in the hope that it might in some way help ease your situation-
 

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