My Marriage Saga Encouragement Anyone?

[timegirl]

Hubby and I have been married for 6 years. They have all been rough. I seperated last year and he agreed to get help. I agreed to make some changes for him as well. But we have been back together for about 6 months and almost everything is back to the way it was. He seems to be fine with everything, whereas I am emotionally shut down and empty.

My commitments were 1.) to try and watch my health. I have not been 100% in this. I am about 20-30 lbs over my desired weight. 2.) to be more sexually open, willing - this I was doing until about 10 days ago and now I am in a funk feeling like I just can't do it (more details to come) 3.) to enjoy more liesure things with him, enjoy his hobbies and conversation etc. - this I feel i have always done but I am more aware. It's challenging though because we have to work around our kids and care for them.

I can't possibly explain every scenario so for this post I'll discuss the issue that is most troubling me and making our lives a challenge.

My hubby is completely emotionally incompetent, unsensative, and unaffectionate. He has a good heart in there somewhere. But for some reason he really struggles to show me affection. No "I Love You's", no words of encouragement, no touching that makes me feel loved. Since the separation teh one thing that improved is that he has not called me names or insulted me, but he still uses manipulation and indirect ways of making me feel degraded, like "what's wrong with your face?" when I had blemishes. The first time he said it I said "I have dry skin right now I can't help it, and it makes me self concious if you point that out". After several times repeating this day after day I finally told him to "knock it off, it is rude and impolite to keep pointing that out".

Ok so where this particularly becomes a problem is with our sex life. In order for me to feel good about this, I need to feel loved, and I don't. I wish I could find a way to completely find and trust God so that I didn't feel so empty but I am human. In the meantime if I plan ahead and initiate sex (even if I am not in the mood) I don't feel so bad about it, I don't have a climax, but I feel I have my dignity at least. I did this for the first 5-6 months getting back together atleast every other day and we were doing well. But his emotional connectedness to me has kept deteriorating and now I feel so stubborn, I don't want to initiate. When he initiates he is very immature about it putting a rifle in my back or making sucking sounds in my ear or on my neck which I have stated as politely as possible that those things really make me feel turned off and uninterested. Now they just make me cringe!!!!

During the course of our deterioration the last 6 months I have at least 3 times asked that we talk about things and he dismisses me or ignores my requests.

He has basically reverted to his old ways, no communication, no affection, no love, no grace....

I don't know how to survive like this at all.... there are other details and issues as well ...

But if I am going to start making any progress we have to make love. But I am so hurt and humiliated from being treated like an object. I don't have the words to communicate how this makes me feel and even if I do I feel its a repeat of things we have discussed in the past. I feel like anything I say he has the "right" to my body no matter what effort he makes because this is what the scripture says.

 

[loulou51]

I can relate to your situation. Mine is similar. It seems like you give all you have and they give nothing back. They ask for more and more and then you wonder how you got to this point and who you are. I will remember you in my prayers.

 

[Stephen]

I am sorry you and your husband are having issues. No matter how hard we try we cannot change a person. But we can change how we react and feel about ourselves and our situations. Do you belong to and are you engaged in a Bible based Christian church? I ask this because I am going through a difficult time in my marriage and have found this an opportunity to grow in my faith like never before. The fellowship of believers can provide you with amazing counsel and encouragement.

Rely on the Holy Spirit to be the Great Comforter in your life and allow Him to use this extremely difficult time to shape a Christ like character that could not be fostered in good times. Your husband will not respond to your requests for change but he may respond to seeing the power of Christ in your life.

I will pray for you. God Bless

 

[timegirl]

Yes i have a wonderful church community. I am growing in my faith everyday. Is there more practical advise? Simply... 1.) Should I reject his efforts when they are not loving? Or am I in disobedience to scripture? Particularly 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. and 2.) if I do reject him how should I do it and what should I say?

 

[Stephen]

I believe the scripture you referrence does not imply "a right to your body no matter what effort he makes". But to the mutual and intimate consent to sexual intercourse. I also believe the verses recommend against long term denial of intercourse in order to prevent the adversary the opportunity to tempt the denied partner.

If this were my situation I would resist requests for sex until some level of meeting your needs is given. It may not be complete at first but a "baby step". Your husband should learn that by him meeting your needs you will meet his.

 

[Stephen]

In the process of rejecting I would simply let him know that he hasn't done anything to make you want to make love. You might even refer him to some Christian books that discuss sex and the difference in the needs of men and women.

 

[timegirl]

I definitely appreciate these thoughts. And it will give me the courage to be more assertive. I did talk to him last night. I told him... I haven't been wanting to have sex because I've been holding some resentment. And his first response was . . . "well i don't want it either I haven't been physically attracted in I don't know how long"... I said "well that is contradictory to your actions when you do...[and i cited examples]". And he said well that's just how I am. I know he was just putting a wall up. I went on to point out 2-3 events that I was particularly upset about. After first trying to minimize my concerns, he eventually apologized but it wasn't sincere - it was more like "I'm sorry, does that make you happy?". Later I just cried. I haven't cried like that in a couple years at least. It felt good to get it out. I am still sad. I think his heart was softening a little before we finally fell asleep but I am so hurt. Even if he was sorry for eveything? Hearing the words come out of his mouth that he is not even attracted to me. How would I ever even want to be in his arms again?

PS We've had all the discussions about the differences between a man and a woman. I am over trying to give him the answers. He almost always blows me off when I try to communicate the things that would make me pleased. He has to WANT to please me. I saw this in him for a brief moment in time when we first met, and during the month we were separated. But now he is back to his cold, hard hearted self. If he decides he wants to please me, I can only pray that he will seak support - read some of those marriage books we have on the shelf, pray, or ask me what I need.

I should be clear in that I don't expect a big show everytime we make love. I don't mind intiating my share either. But I feel I deserve to be treated lovingly and respected every day! It is demeaning for me to be only a sex object to someone who treats me with disrespect or indifference on a constant basis.

You know, the worst part about him degrading me for my weight (20-30lbs over, that's it ppl!) is that he also put on about 30-40 lbs since we met which he is in the process of losing, but I never once made him feel bad about it. I had two back-to-back pregnancies which aided in my weight gain!? And he still cannot empathize? In fact, in my heart, it did not bother me at all that he had gained some weight and I have never loved him less. I still tell him several times aweek when he looks nice or handsome. I try to reassure him when he feels self concious! One of the last things I said before I feel asleep was "I still loved you when you were at your highest weight, I never cared". And said "what makes you say that, I love you?" Words and actions very different.

I guess now I'll just wait and see if his apology was sincere and stand my ground.

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed a place like this to talk where I could be anonymous.

 

[Strong1]

Hello friend,

I have deeply felt your hearts cry through reading the words that you have written on your page. If I could feel such compassion for you, I can only imagine how our heavenly father is feeling about your situation, considering his great love for his children.
I have been aquainted with feelings of being unloved, misused, and mistreated. Feelings of being seen as you have stated, "an object." Believe me I understand.
By God's grace, he has brought about healing for my life in many profound ways, yet these kinds of hurt can be damaging in very longlasting ways.
Before I really respond, The questions that come to mind after listening to you is, "is your husband a believer?" I know that you have stated that you were. And, It is evident how your husband feels about you....(I truly belive there is a deeper root to the way he is responding to you)
But my sister, How are you really feeling about yourself?

 

[timegirl]

Thank you for your thoughts Strong1

My husband is a believer. In fact I think his conviction is even stronger than mine. However, he does not involve himself in our church - he attends service arriving 5 minutes late and leaving immediately upon completion. He often acts elite about his views so if I believe in a different interpretation of something the bible says then in his eyes I am going to hell. The bible says quite clearly that if we believe Jesus died on the cross and we give our lives to HIM then we will go to heaven - and this is what I believe. My husband is very kind, loving, and gracious to his close friends and family. But it seems superficial and almost narcissistic the way he very concerned about the way the outside word sees him. He's always trying to live up to this image.

Anyway - I of course have very low self esteem. I am finding however that every day I find my voice in communication the things that hurt me, this gets better.

 

[dmdave17]

Dear timegirl,

Those who recognize me will know that this is a favorite theme of mine, but I doubt that your husband is a true "believer". If he was, his treatment of you would not be what it is. In Matthew 6, verses 3 through 6, Christ vividly describes the true Christian. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ... But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (emphasis added) It's what you do when no one is watching that defines you as a Christian.

But enough of that. The bottom line is this. You cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself. My advice would be to try to see yourself as God sees you; not the image which your husband has fostered in your mind. I know this sounds trite but God thinks you are fantastic! He sees your potential and wants you to fulfill it. Ultimately, if your husband is interfering with what God wants for you, He will take care of it.

So don't beat yourself up. Don't dwell on your husband's treatment of you. Concentrate on your relationship with God, and let your relationship with your husband take care of itself.

 

[Strong1]

Dear timegirl,

I am curious to know what your husband's true belief system really is..........from what you say, it doesn't reflect the true character of Christ. However, I do not want to judge, "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23)
My concern is really with you, because you are the one being affected. Be encouraged today by this scripture, when you get a chance. (Psalm139) This particular scripture ministered to me in a time when I needed it most, and I believe his word will do the same for you.
From what I have come to learn, there is nothing more sexually appetizing to a man, than a strong and confident woman. You must know your value, and the hidden strength of your womanhood. When you get in touch with, "how fearfully and wonderfully made," you are, and that confidence begins to influence your step, your walk, your talk, your smile, the way your head is held high when you enter a crowded room.....believe me your husband will notice you! 20-30lbs over weight and all! Most important, PRAY. Cast your cares on Christ, the very same way that you have laid it out on paper. No holds barred.
You will be surprised how you will win, when you let God be your unseen tagteam partner.
I bless God for what he is already doing in the heavenlies for your marriage. May it also be done on earth. Amen.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Do you know what i have always found very odd. When your married, and the woman has gained weight.. its like a crime, but when the man gains weight, its like so what... A woman would never critisize her husband about his weight, What in the world makes a guy think its ok to critisize his wife.

Your husband is a jerk. He doesnt deserve to even sleep in the same bed with you. As a matter of fact if it were me, i would make him sleep somewhere else, probably outside somewhere... Girl what in the world are you doin puttin up with his mouth???? He is telling you he isnt attracted to you, in your words, treating you like a sex object, telling you in his eyes your going to hell..... Seriously..Man up and straighten him out. Give him an ultimatium, either he gets his ugly mouth under control or he can find somewhere else to live..

I saw that you said you have very low self esteem. Well its just gonna keep on gettin looower and looower the longer you put up with his sorry butt...

If you have kids, this is even more important. Do you want your children growin up thinkin its ok to dump on you?? Well my daddy talks to my mommy like crap so why cant i?? Or better yet, doyou want them growin up thinking its ok to treat women this way??
Im not trying to be rude, but get your mess together...i mean seriously what the heck are you doing still letting him even live in the same house with you??

 

[creativemaygirl]

I can completely see where you are coming from, but Nodmyhead has a vaiid point. Any desrespect to you will show up later in your children's attitude toward you and all women. I have three grown boys that had just his problem. They learned to disrespect women at an early age. It is only with the grace of God that I got out in time for my children to learn to respect others. You don't have to stay in a cage for your husband. Isaih 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Take to the skys and soar. It isn't easy at first, but with each try you get better at it. Let Him guide you.

 

[enduretotheend]

Attraction is not always based on the physical. Your husband may be turned off by way of his perception of how he is being treated; sure he may have his 'needs' but his desires might not be being met (could be he wants to feel like he is a sexual object to you once in a while) and thereby his physical attraction to you is gone because the sex feels empty to him.

And as far as the way he initiates the idea of sex to you ,,, maybe this is his way of breaking the ice; could be for him social situations are not easy and he is an emotional klutz; we might see this in the way he limits contact with others when he chronically arrives at church 5 minutes late and leaving immediately upon completion ,,, he may even use a lesser used exit or hangout in the bathroom till foot traffic dies down.

Erecting walls yourself will not help the situation. Placing barriers between you and him by preventing intimacy is doubtful to be of any help unless you both agree upon a time of fasting and prayer as spoke in those verses you mentioned early.

 

[Lucy68]

Dear timegirl,


But enough of that. The bottom line is this. You cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself. My advice would be to try to see yourself as God sees you; not the image which your husband has fostered in your mind. I know this sounds trite but God thinks you are fantastic! He sees your potential and wants you to fulfill it. Ultimately, if your husband is interfering with what God wants for you, He will take care of it.

So don't beat yourself up. Don't dwell on your husband's treatment of you. Concentrate on your relationship with God, and let your relationship with your husband take care of itself.

Excellent advice, dmdave17.

Timegirl, you are not alone in this. Wow, I see elements of my own married life in your posts! My husband and I had a crisis in our marriage too- about the 7th year. Like, OK, the honeymoon is definitely over

We've been married 25 years now and I'm pretty sure we're over the major hurtles. I probably shouldn't have said that...might jinx it or something

Anyway, this is your opportunity to really grow. When we said for 'better or worse', I guess that's what it meant. The trick is to figure how to live and love together and work out the details of a, hopefully, long life together. Learning to communicate effectively is one of those. Also, learning to put up with each others negative qualities. And since you have children, modeling a healthy marriage is a must.

It is possible to love your husband for a long period of time. I've found that the KIND of love I have for my husband has changed over the years. The physical aspect of our relationship is not as important as it used to be. Both of us have gained weight and we're not so hung up on physical appearances as were in our early years. We are more relaxed and less intense in our relationship. We enjoy each others company and also enjoy time apart.

I think it's important that you try to diminish your feelings of resentment. These have a awful way of encroaching on every part of you life. Yes, try to work out some things with your husband but keep in mind that you cannot change him. Going to a counselor can help. An objective third party can be very helpful.

You mentioned having low self-esteem. For your own well being, find what is causing that and do something to fix it. We can't rely on our husbands to make us feel wonderful all the time. They are only human after all.

I've tried to get my husband to relate to me on a more personal level. He just can't do it. So I've accepted that about him and find some emotional support in other areas. Our mirror should ultimately be God, and not another human.

I will be praying for you and your husband to find your way on this rocky road of marriage. It isn't easy, but it is DEFINITELY worth it.

 

[Stanelake]

I feel for you dear. If you can make/persuade him to attend marriage counseling or some sort of platform moderated by someone he respects he may then "see" what he has been doing to you. I think he can show you value again. People tend not to 'want' to be told what to do but need to be shown how to/ why it is good to do A-B-C. Your husband appears to be such a man. By the grace God gives you be strong and pray for him. However,....
Just as a thought; "Hurting people hurt other people"
PS- I am no expert​

 

[joeanbu]

hi.... I admire you for the love u show to him inspite of him being not the exact old self.. I have observed this as the problem with many couples where girls love the inner self .. for men attraction matters a lot.. but true love should over come all this .. Keep praying well... Prayer and your compassion will change him... actions speak louder than words

 

[presidente]

timegirl,

I'm trying to put myself in your husband's shoes. I wonder if he doesn't quite get what is bugging you. He may think you want him to be some other person that he doesn't know how to be. Is he the type of person who just doesn't know how to be affectionate? It would be silly to try to diagnose someone based on such meager information, but I know some people have Asbergers, a mild form of autism, and have difficulty empathizing with the way other people feel. If he doesn't have something like that, he may just be unskilled when it comes to communicating in a way that makes you feel good. He may think he is treating you well, but something he does that he can't ever figure out or predict ahead of time makes you upset, like he's walking through a mine field. Sometimes men aren't good at expressing ideas and feelings like that.

What is life like for him once he comes home? If he's in the car about to walk into the house, based on past experience, what does he expect to experience? Is he thinking, "Oh, yeah! I get to see my wife again. This is going to be fun!" Is he thinking, "Oh, no. I bet my wife is going to be upset with me about something again." If you think coming home for him is an unenjoyable experience, you could invest in making it good for him. When he comes home, he gets attention, respect, affection, good food, good sex, and a good night's sleep. You can sow that into your marriage. Maybe he won't return what you want for a while, but after a while, he may start to realize how good he has it, and will be looking for ways to make his wife happy. Unbelievers, even unrighteous people, will do all kinds of things to please their lovers.

Was he always a unskilled at making you feel good, and at communicating with you in a sensitive manner? If he was, and you married him, it's a little unfair to be upset with him over it all through the marriage. If he's actually calling you bad names, of course that is wrong, and has to stop. I was thinking of your comment about him asking "What's wrong with your face?" If my wife had some kind of rash, I might ask her that. Of course, I know it's very unlikely that such a question would hurt her feelings. A lot of it has to do with the tone of voice.

One thing to keep in mind is that he is not responsible for how you feel when he says or does something. He is only responsible for what he says and does. If he's lacking in certain emotional skills and perception, he may hurt your feelings. If you can learn to accept his shortcomings in emotional skills, you may learn not to get hurt feelings from some of the things he says.

I don't know your backstory, but if I were you, I wouldn't dump him over something like this. I don't think you should withhold yourself sexually from him. That is contrary to what the Bible says, after all, and it is likely to increase these marriage problems rather than solve them. It's a lot easier to love someone who loves you. Even the sinners do that, as Jesus said. God requires more of us. We are to love our enemies. It doesn't sound like your husband is your enemy. You're just having some problems. But in spite of your problems, really open yourself up to love him. In the bedroom, give him the best. Pour out your love and passion on him. If he doesn't like an extra 20 lbs., make up for it with passion, enthusiasm, and the overwhelming love only a wife can give. Intoxicate him with your love. Love him and treat him with respect. Submit to him and obey him like I Peter 3 teaches. You can exercise and eat a healthy diet, too, to lose weight if that is one of your goals. Maybe you both could go jogging together.

While you are pouring out your love on him and filling his life with joy, you could make some suggestions in a nonthreatening way of some things he could do to please you.

When you were first married, did his making slurping sounds on your neck turn you off, or was it funny and endearing? Could it be that you are upset or embittered a bit and that is why this turns you off so much? If you were a head-over-heals bride on our wedding night, you might laugh it off and respond to his silly attempt at arousing your interest. Maybe you should pray that you will appreciate his methods of initiating. You could also suggest some things he could do that would turn you on.