My sister is doing things behind our backs/:

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xXxSharonxXx

xXxSharonxXx

Senior Member
#1
Jan 16, 2011
203
1
18
#1
I don't know what to do, and shes worrying me so much with her attitude lately and about how much she knows that she shouldnt at her age.
I walked into her room one day while she was on my moms laptop and she immediately exed out of what she was doing. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she couldn't tell, then wouldn't answer anymore. I eventually told her I promised I wouldn't tell anyone and... It turns out shes doing the same thing I did at her age, innapropriate chatting with people she doesn't even know. I'm really worried about her because when I was her age is when I started doing these things, and it went out of control years down the road. She knows what I've done through my teenage years and shes almost an exact copy of me and what I've done, or well, started out doing. I don't want her to do what I've done. What do I do? We don't have a very good relationship with each other either so I don't know about talking to her... We're more like aquaintances according to her than sisters. I still love her though and I'm worried because I dont know every little detail about what she does online. I really am starting to miss the days when we were younger and weren't allowed to use technology. :p
 
shemaiah

shemaiah

Senior Member
#4
Jan 28, 2011
2,233
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#4
The age of 12 is usually the last year children are really open, you MUST befriend her now, or she will start fading away from you.
Go to her room sit down, and tell her about the online stuff you went through and tell her how much you love her and do not want to see her hurt. Just open up your heart concerning such to her. I will pray that everything may go well with you. God bless
 
shemaiah

shemaiah

Senior Member
#5
Jan 28, 2011
2,233
30
48
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#5
Btw, i like your signature, really cool!
 
Protection_Retribution

Protection_Retribution

Banned
#6
Apr 6, 2011
431
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0
#6
And thats the worst shes doing ? Seriously no offence take a trip into the real world. I know 11 year olds who go out every weekend get high,wasted then laid. Have a little faith.
 
xXxSharonxXx

xXxSharonxXx

Senior Member
#7
Jan 16, 2011
203
1
18
#7
shemaiah said:
The age of 12 is usually the last year children are really open, you MUST befriend her now, or she will start fading away from you.
Go to her room sit down, and tell her about the online stuff you went through and tell her how much you love her and do not want to see her hurt. Just open up your heart concerning such to her. I will pray that everything may go well with you. God bless
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Yeah I've heard of that too. My other sister shut herself down when she turned 13, after being addicted from 10. She's okay now, but I don't want that to happen to this one.
I'll definitely work on talking to her more. Thanks for the advice and prayers:)

And thanks! Yours is cool too, did you write it? :)

And thats the worst shes doing ? Seriously no offence take a trip into the real world. I know 11 year olds who go out every weekend get high,wasted then laid. Have a little faith.
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Well, everyone has their own problems whether big or small. Yeah I know there are people who do worse, but it's small things that lead to bigger things if no one takes action. I do have faith, but I know God gave us a brain to use in smaller situtations like these. God didn't make us like robots, so He's not going to control her mind and change it to stop, He wants us to take a step too, while He gives us the courage to do what we need to do.
 
xXxSharonxXx

xXxSharonxXx

Senior Member
#8
Jan 16, 2011
203
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#8
Whoops I meant to say "after being addicted to the computer from 10" haha sorry:)
 
G

Great4ever

Guest
#10
#10
Bow your knees in the night hours call your sister by name and command her spirit back to the love of God and to fall in love with God's word and Spirit and she will. Do this for seven days. Then thank the lord for her deliverance. All things are possible to him who believe. Be bold to make a difference. Don't shy away.
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#11
#11
I'd work on improving your relationship first, any help you can give in the future is going to have to be based on that foundation, and if she describes you as an acquaintance then that is the bigger problem and the first thing you need to tackle.

I'm no expert in building sibling relationships as mine are not too great either, but make small gestures at first, don't go off the deep end or she'll probably just pull away and get distant like teenagers tend too.

If she is chatting online it sounds like she is trying to get attention and maybe she will respond if some of that starts coming from you, once you have some kind of solid relationship she might open up more about what's going on and you can give her the support she needs.

You have to start at the bottom with the root cause of problems, and if she's doing things behind your back and the rest of the family it might mean that she doesn't think anyone really cares that much, you need to prove her wrong.
 
G

Grey

Guest
#12
#12
This could be the tip of the iceberg, from personal unfortunate experiences bad behavior like this either must stop at an early age or it WILL accelerate.
 
D

Dough57

Guest
#13
#13
And thats the worst shes doing ? Seriously no offence take a trip into the real world. I know 11 year olds who go out every weekend get high,wasted then laid. Have a little faith.
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With all due repsect, that is terrible advice. Don't you watch MSNBC "To Catch a Predator". there are all sorts of people on line just looking for a girl like that online looking for someone to talk "chat" with. You can bet all those predators know how to be some little girls best friend and who "understands'. A kid that age should not be on the computer un supervised. Get the computer away from her. Telll Mom what's going on. Then work on building a better relationship. Don't not tell your mom and face having your sister abducted because you made a promise not to tell! Letting your Mom know is tough love for your siste and may save her life!
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#14
#14
Dough57 said:
A kid that age should not be on the computer un supervised. Get the computer away from her. Telll Mom what's going on. Then work on building a better relationship. Don't not tell your mom and face having your sister abducted because you made a promise not to tell! Letting your Mom know is tough love for your siste and may save her life!
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While I agree with your sentiment don't you think that taking away the computer and telling her mom what's going on will make it next to impossible to build 'a better relationship'.

Sure something needs doing but 'tough love' as you call it can sometimes be a dangerous thing, especially with young teenagers, sure it may alert everyone to what's going on but it also makes teenagers already feeling a desire to rebel to do so even more strongly and that can lead them away from the family and into much bigger trouble down the line.

Things like this require a strong but measured approach, but it does very much depend on the variable factors present in every household.
 
xXxSharonxXx

xXxSharonxXx

Senior Member
#15
Jan 16, 2011
203
1
18
#15
shemaiah said:
Nope, :) it was on a christmas card i was given last year.
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Awesome, that's a great poem. :)

Bow your knees in the night hours call your sister by name and command her spirit back to the love of God and to fall in love with God's word and Spirit and she will. Do this for seven days. Then thank the lord for her deliverance. All things are possible to him who believe. Be bold to make a difference. Don't shy away.
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Amen, good advice. I'm definitely praying for her every day. Having the faith that it will work is a problem for me when I don't see too much of an improvement. I'm not giving up though, I just wish it would go along faster. I know, I need patience haha:)

I'd work on improving your relationship first, any help you can give in the future is going to have to be based on that foundation, and if she describes you as an acquaintance then that is the bigger problem and the first thing you need to tackle.

I'm no expert in building sibling relationships as mine are not too great either, but make small gestures at first, don't go off the deep end or she'll probably just pull away and get distant like teenagers tend too.

If she is chatting online it sounds like she is trying to get attention and maybe she will respond if some of that starts coming from you, once you have some kind of solid relationship she might open up more about what's going on and you can give her the support she needs.

You have to start at the bottom with the root cause of problems, and if she's doing things behind your back and the rest of the family it might mean that she doesn't think anyone really cares that much, you need to prove her wrong.
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Yeah, I've noticed that to be the biggest problem in trying to talk to her. She's not very open to talk to me so i've been taking it slow and hanging out with her every day I can. Her personality is just sooo different than what I'm used to. She doesn't really talk much, but rather enjoys being in her imaginary world if shes not on the computer.
Shes just really hard to talk to because she doesn't respond very well. When she was younger she was so enthusiastic and we were like best friends. I would keep her from my other sister's bullying. After I got into highschool it got harder for me to have time for her anymore and I made problems for myself too.
I've never thought of it that way. My mom would tell me that I need to spend more time with her because my other sister still treats her differently, and not in a good way. She does look for attention and someone to talk to, so i guess that's why she went online? I dont know, I just feel bad that I ignored everything till she got addicted to the computer. Anyways, I'm going to try talking to her more. I think she really needs someone right now because my other sister is not helping too much right now with her attitude.

This could be the tip of the iceberg, from personal unfortunate experiences bad behavior like this either must stop at an early age or it WILL accelerate.
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Thats true, and I can totally relate to this too. Many people turned out doing terrible things later in life, because no one cared about the small things they did when they were younger.

A kid that age should not be on the computer un supervised. Get the computer away from her. Telll Mom what's going on. Then work on building a better relationship. Don't not tell your mom and face having your sister abducted because you made a promise not to tell! Letting your Mom know is tough love for your siste and may save her life!
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I know I shouldn't be, but I'm scared to tell my mom because I'm worried she'll overreact. My sister will definitely overreact to me telling our mom too. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell though, because I definitely don't want my sister to take this too far, as it is already getting far enough. It's kind of like telling on someone that I don't even know yet. Well, that's how it feels at least.

Sure something needs doing but 'tough love' as you call it can sometimes be a dangerous thing, especially with young teenagers, sure it may alert everyone to what's going on but it also makes teenagers already feeling a desire to rebel to do so even more strongly and that can lead them away from the family and into much bigger trouble down the line.

Things like this require a strong but measured approach, but it does very much depend on the variable factors present in every household
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It definitely didn't work for me when I was her age. I started rebelling at 13 because of the restrictions. I don't know about her personality though, maybe it's different? I personally have no idea how she will react as I am still trying to talk to her more.


I have a question... If she rebels against my parents but is okay with my sisters and I, is it alright? Is it completely necessary for her to have a good relationship with my parents too?
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#16
#16
xXxSharonxXx said:
I have a question... If she rebels against my parents but is okay with my sisters and I, is it alright? Is it completely necessary for her to have a good relationship with my parents too?
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In the next 5 years or more her relationship with her parents specifically could be quite inconsistent, that's normal and will probably happen regardless, teenagers tend to rebel against authority and parents are the nearest and biggest.

But it is cruicial there is someone consistent with whom she has a solid realtionship based on trust, someone she can go too knowing the information will travel no further, that is rarely parents or teachers because of the tough love 'we know best' attitude that exists, rightly or wrongly.

It is alright, in fact I would say it the best situation to have, close siblings can get eachother through most issues growing up because usually the younger doesn't feel patronised but also feels protected by someone who isn't so much older they seem superior but old enough that their greater experience makes them feel safe.

It will be a long road back to the relationship you used to have as you know the kind of experiences you had that are just coming her way, but keep making the effort to reach out and hopefully she will respond, but if she goes further with the computer activites get more direct and maybe tell her some of your own experiences, but in a calm way where she won't be so defensive she won't listen.
 
D

Dough57

Guest
#17
#17
I know I shouldn't be, but I'm scared to tell my mom because I'm worried she'll overreact. My sister will definitely overreact to me telling our mom too. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell though, because I definitely don't want my sister to take this too far, as it is already getting far enough. It's kind of like telling on someone that I don't even know yet. Well, that's how it feels at least.
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Would you let a kid who can't swim jump in the deep in of the pool and then give them swimming lessons? Kids get made when parents don't let them play with knives. I'm telling you I have worked with peoplethathave been in jail or in prison and they would love to find someone like your sister, isolated, looking for understanding, impressionable, figthing with parents, etc online. Being friends and working on relationships are are fine and good but get her out of danger first. And besides the personal danger to your sister, home invasions and burglaries and being made easier from perpetrators getting information from social bet works and chat rooms. If your sister isn't improperly chatting she shouoldn't mind chatting in the computert with Mom or even you around. The Bible in John 3:20 "For everyone practicing eveil hates the light and does not come to the light lest his deeds should be exposed". Remember 1 Peter 5:8 "Satan roams the streets like a roaring lions looking for someone to devour". You and your sister both should watch a few episodes of To Catch a Predator.

Dough57
 
D

dmdave17

Guest
#18
#18
It turns out shes doing the same thing I did at her age, innapropriate chatting with people she doesn't even know. I'm really worried about her because when I was her age is when I started doing these things, and it went out of control years down the road. She knows what I've done through my teenage years and shes almost an exact copy of me and what I've done, or well, started out doing.
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Dear xXxSharonxXx,

I believe that your own words provide the best perspective on this situation. Your sister is at an age (just like you were) where young people start to question the values they have been taught. They are bombarded daily, throughout the media, with inappropriate images and tempting scenarios. They struggle with the desire to experience what they are seeing. You did, when you were her age, and you appear to have come through the experience in fine shape.

My best advice would be to allow your sister some leeway to experiment with the outside world. If I were you, I would "low key" your reaction to what she is doing unless it starts to escalate. Obviously, you would have to draw the line at drugs or sexual promiscuity, but as long as her behavior does not descend into those areas, I would not get overly concerned.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to set an example for her. Tell her what you experienced, and how it affected your life adversely, and urge her not to extend her exploration beyond inappropriate chatting. Be vigilant for signs that she is continuing down the wrong path, but do not overreact until you are sure that she has made serious wrong decisions.

Meanwhile, try to offer her your support. Tell her you know what she is going through and that you would be glad to talk about it with her, if she wants. And as suggested by other posts in this thread, pray for her. Ask God to watch over her and keep her from harm, and open her eyes to the error of her ways so that she doesn't repeat the mistakes you made. But always keep in mind, God's will be done. That's why we all have to make our own mistakes.
 
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