My Unbelieving Mother

[Ashiepoo]

For my whole life, my mother has never been happy unless she is fighting with me. Of course, this horrible habit of hers was originally fed by me as well before I turned my face to God and accepted Christ. However, while I have grown so incredibly much in the faith over the past year, I still find it hard to deal with her agressive and overdramatic ways. I try to remain calm and serve her as my mother, but it is very disheartening when I am cursed at in return, or when she (every day) tells me how I do absolutely nothing. Just today she told me this because I took a 4-hour nap after getting a solid 1 hour of sleep on a church retreat where we stay up most of the night. She had asked me to vacuum, and I had accidentally fallen asleep. Yes, I was "lazy," but I had every intention of doing it when I woke up and would have loved to have done it. Anyway, I realized that was my fault, and apologized and told her I would still like to vacuum in a calm voice, yet she flipped out and continued to call me lazy and ungreatful. She does this all of the time, even when I DO help (2 days ago I watched my baby brother for 2 hours, cleaned the fridge, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, wiped the kitchen counters and that day she told me STILL that I did nothing). Even when I try to nicely tell her all that I did, she completely ignores/denies it or says its never enough. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with my mother and change her heart for the sake of my baby brother who I will be leaving in the next few years when I go off to college and hopefully go into missions. I don't want to have worries about the same fate for him, and at the same time would like to be able to have a healthy mother-daughter relationship for once. No matter how nice I am or how much I do, I cannot seem to get her to change. Whether I do nothing or a ton, she is never happy, so it is very hard to see the point in even trying to please her anymore. At 17, with my father passing away 3 weeks ago (they split up when I was 4), this is wearing on me greatly and is the last thing I need. Does anyone have any advice? I pray about, and I know God answers prayer, but maybe I'm not seeing something or looking hard enough for his answer?

 

[sandtigeress]

Praying for you and your mother and brother.

As advice:
Try to find an amount of work helping her, that you deem fine and hold yourself to that.
The way you discribe, you will not make her happy by doing things, so dont try
not to fullfill her unjustified demands. She seems to see you as lazy,
(whenever you do not do something), probably because she used to be lazy at your age.

As for your brother well he is going to have a nice big sister to rely on

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Hi, Ashiepoo.

First of all, I'm truly sorry to read of your current (ongoing) situation. Generally speaking, I can imagine the type of stress that you must be under and, specifically speaking, I can totally relate in that back in the days when I was still living at home with my own mother she regularly (like every single day for years and years and years and years) lied about me to everybody (Pastors, congregants, family members, friends, etc., etc., etc.) and it got to the point where I began having debilitating anxiety or panic attacks. My own attacks were (I haven't had one for many, many years now) so severe that I had to quit my job and I couldn't even drive my car back then for more than a block or two without having to pull over and call somebody to ask for prayer. My own deliverance came when I began to learn the following principle which God showed me in relation to how Jesus Himself overcame all of the constant abuse that was thrown His way during His Incarnation. Yes, for me, the answer was found here:

I Peter chapter 2

[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
[25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

There are always going to be situations in our lives where we're going to not only suffer, but "suffer wrongfully". In fact, "even hereunto were we called" as Christians. "What?", someone might say, "God has called me to suffer wrongfully?!?" Yes, as a matter of fact, He has. The good news is, however, that He's also told us how to overcome the same by giving us Jesus as our example. The answer is NOT found in "reviling when reviled" and it is NOT found in "threatening when we suffer", but rather it is found in doing what Jesus Himself did:

COMMITTING OURSELVES UNTO HIM THAT JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY.

Look, ultimately, neither your mother nor any other human being upon the face of the earth is "the Judge". As such, we need to train ourselves to not let peoples' "judgments" get to us or to somehow define who and what we are. Rather, we need to always LOOK UP UNTO GOD, EVEN AS JESUS DID, to get His assessment of each and every situation in our lives and then to act accordingly. You said that your mother thinks that you're lazy, right? Well, does GOD think the same thing? You said that your mother is always cursing at you, right? Well, is GOD always cursing at you? Do you see what I'm getting at? As Christians, we need to be "rooted and grounded in the love of Christ" and we also need to walk in God's strength and not our own. The Apostle Paul prayed the following for the saints at Ephesus (and for all saints) and I've often prayed the same for myself:

Ephesians chapter 3

[13] Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.
[14] For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
[15] Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
[16] That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
[17] That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
[18] May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
[19] And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

If you can tap into GOD'S strength and GOD'S love (and you can), then you'll have more than what you need to not only endure, but also to "be filled with all the fullness of God".

As far as your mom herself is concerned, do your best to always honor her for this is not only right, but it also has a valuable promise attached to it as well:

Ephesians chapter 6

[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
[2] Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise):
[3] That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

Whenever your mom rails against you or says any manner of evil against you, JUST LOOK UP TO GET GOD'S ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION. If God's assessment disagrees with your mom's assessment, then just rest comfortably in His love and strength. If, however, God's assessment and your mom's assessment do match, then humbly repent before both God and your mom and do what's right by God's strength and grace. I know that it sounds "easy" to say so and that it may seem to be a lot "harder" in practice, but it's really not. Again, I've been there in the past and I still regularly have people in my life who say and do all manners of evil against me, BUT I JUST KEEP ON LOOKING UP. God's grace is sufficient for me...AND FOR YOU, too.

Psalm 27

[1] The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
[2] When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
[3] Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
[4] One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.
[5] For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
[6] And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
[7] Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
[8] When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
[9] Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
[10] When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
[11] Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
[12] Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
[13] I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
[14] Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

 

[Percepi]

Often when people easily flip out, it's because they're incapable of properly handling their own stress. As you described her, she's a very unhappy person. It sounds like she's projecting her own anger towards you. The more you do around the house to help her, the less likely she'll flip out on you. But when she's in a lousy mood, she'll find something. Trust me, my father is the same way. It's like walking through a mine field.

Since you'll be moving out soon, I wouldn't worry too much about what you can do to please her. Believe it or not, moving out will very likely improve your relationship with your mother (if you keep in touch with her). Parents tend to be easier to get along with when there's some distance between the two of you.

As for your brother, just do what you can to support him. You should especially be there for him when he gets older.

I'm not exactly sure how you can help your mom. I'm sure your college will have a counselor you can talk to though. They tend to be pretty good with those kinds of issues, so talk to one of them.