relationship help!!

purplemonkey · Dec 5, 2013

HI

I wonder if you can help me!!
Looking through what people have posted on here it seems like in comparison what I have to deal with is very minor in comparison, but I am very much struggling, any wisdom would be appreciated.

The background is that I met my now husband 9 years since and we pretty much fell for each other straight away we were aged 18/19. Neither of us had had a serious relationship before. He was Christian, brought up in a Christian family, I was very much the opposite.

I slowly came to faith over the following 4-5 years. I would say I fully gave myself to Christ about 4 years ago, at the time we were living at opposite ends of the country and this was very much my own decision, though I felt incredibly supported by my then boyfriend and best mate. Knowing Christ has fully changed every aspect of my life and who I am. I changed a lot. The only area where this caused friction between us was in that I was uncomfortable to engage in some sexual contact which we had previously.

A few years later we married. This was wonderful! I felt I was living a fairytale dream!!! For work reasons we had to live the first year apart but still spent as much time together as possible. Then I moved up to be with him. I was desperate to become pregnant. I asked my husband when he would agree for me to stop taking contraception. He agreed and when we had lived together for only a few months I became pregnant.

This is when things started to go wrong. I had awful 'morning' (it wasnt just the morning) sickness and was generally exhausted. Our sex life dwindled, I think mainly because I was nauseaous the entire time, but my hubbie was so very caring and understanding. I can't remember when it first came up but the first thing I knew that something was wrong was when he kept saying that he wasn't ready to have a baby- things he still needed to do wanted to live abroad etc. This is where I know I reacted in the most awful way, but I just was not able to deal with it and I basically told him he had to get over it and it was happening. This put a big distance between us, it was the first time we were not really very close. The same conversation continued throughout the pregnancy and usually resulted in us both very upset.

I was not generally well in the pregnancy and so was not a very sociable being for my hubbie. I encouraged him to go out with other friends and go and stay nights over with friends and have nights out- I just wanted him to have a good time. What I was completely ignorant to was that he was gradually becoming more depressed, and the only way he was managing to cope was by going out and drinking a lot.

Our adourable little boy was born later that year and we are both completely besotted with him. During the newborn days I felt quite unsupported, consequently we argued lots. I also was shocked at how soon after the delivery (forceps!) my beloved expected sex! (he was there!!). I think these things are probably the same with all first time parents. What I wasn't prepared for was how low my husband became. When our son was about 4 months he told me a lot of what had gone on that I was not aware about the major things of this were that he had become so low he had actually attempted to take his own life, and also that he had formed a very meaningful relationship with another woman, they had slept together twice when he was drunk.

I am utterly in shock at what I have done to him and how I have treated the man that I love so dearly that this has happened. I completely hold nothing against him. Though what hurts more is that I know he holds much resentment against me, he completely feels that I have ruined his life, exciting plans things he wanted to do. Mainly what he feels so bitter about seems to be that I have not provided him with a wonderful sex life (our baby is still only 6 months).

Things feel a bit better now that we are talking openly and he seems undecided whether he wants to stay together or not. He talks about his expectations that we will have to meet to help him get over it. And while I would like to agree without a second thought, they are things that I am not sure I could cope with- for example he wants us to emigrate and all my family I love so dearly are here.

Any wise thoughts are so much appreciated
x

jesusmyhope · Dec 5, 2013

Hey purplemonkey, I'm new in this forum too, I read your story wich I guess is little more behind it. I am going through a separation after 10 years with my beloved husband, but I can tell you even though he left me for other women; I am standing in obedience to God. This time has draw me closer to my Lord and he is been changing my heart and transforming me. Something I realized is,the more we want change our husbands is exactly how much God want change us too!. I have learn through this trial who I am in Christ and who I been call to be, I was dishonor my husband not give him the authority and leadership and respect as my husband and the head of the family, I can say I took for granted every effort he was making, I become his conscience telling him how wrong he was, his accuser and judge. But never look my own faults.
Please don't do that with your marriage long is he is still at home you can save your marriage, remember when we agrre in our vows is a covenant you took with him and God, I know you will say but he is or do... please don't focus on his wrongdoings become his help meet, you did not married the wrong men you both have not work in the marriage properly but most of all ask yourself if you had let Christ be the center of your marriage. Ask yourself the question if not I can tell you is not to late. Start make changes in yourself, be the women he fell in live with again, uaed the same sparkly etes you used when you fell for him, cook what he like, when he come home don't fuss be happy give him a big kiss, welcome him to his kingdom Your Home, don't nagg of what he don't do, be patient and sober, discreet as the Lord say in titus 2 and remember when you start change and he see that he will start wonder and pray for his salvation, pray for the Lord open his eyes and ask the Lord to lead him to be who he is been call to be. I know is difficult and sometimes is gloomy but the reward can be exceed your expectations. I fail doing all this even though I knew how to treat my husband I didn't just because I was focus in his failures but I never seem my, sometimes we women think we right but we csn be very deceitful and hurtful and disrecpectful to our husbands. Sont forget God create a women to help the man, not the men to the women his call and ours are different. I am preparing myself when my Lord restore my marriage wich I believe will be by faith and by Gods will and mercy. My hubby will find a different wife, home. I hope you pray to our heavrnly father to guide you, ask him what He want you to do, ask for his help draw close to him and he will answer you. God Bless you

Mammachickadee · Dec 5, 2013

purplemonkey said:

He's expecting you to be the woman that you were at 18, hon.

This is quite common for young new parents... the wife gets wrapped up in bewildered motherhood and the husband ignorantly turns to others for consolation. Then, when he things life is looking up, he expects to have the same wife that he'd had before said wife grew up on him.
His decisions are not yours to feel guilt over. You had a baby inside you, and for some men that either increases the attraction or decreases it. Some men are either attracted to the idea of a wife blooming with child, and some are paranoid over the idea of sex with a pregnant woman (usually out of fear). Now that you are no longer pregnant it's not surprising that he thinks you are open to fulfilling all of his wants. I would admonish you to remain open with him about your own goals and desires, but not to be trapped by the common idea that you owe him sex every time he wants it. If you choose not to have sex, it should be for a particular time for the sake of fasting, as the Bible instructs... though a loving husband would make other allowances as well.
As for moving away from family... that is a wife's lot in life. The husband is to be the leader of the home and the wife's job is rather like a camel's: we get to carry the kids, carry the load of the house, and provide whatever else is needed whenever it's needed. A husband, like a wise camel owner, will recognize that his wife has needs in order to take care of him to her fullest ability. In the end a wife has to have a good reason to ever say no. THAT is your responsibility. His guilt, faults, demands, plans, resentment, etc. are HIS right AND his to bear consequence for. It takes a lot of love to complete ones role in a marriage; thankfully you have an easy way out in Christ, fellowship, and the church. When you feel like you are drowning just think of what He said to Peter: ''Don't look away from me''

purplemonkey · Dec 6, 2013

Thanks for the encouragement

Lucy68 · Dec 6, 2013

So sorry you're going through this! But I think you're taking too much blame here. He broke a major covenant vow through adultery....you're guilty of being irritable with morning sickness and not desiring sex due to physical reasons...big difference.

This man is emotionally immature. He's been honest, though a little late, that he wasn't ready to be a dad.

I would highly recommend not putting a lot of distance between you and your family. You're probably going to need them.

If he has threatened suicide, he really needs some counseling. Is this a technique for making you let him go? It's rather irrational behavior and I would be hesitant to let him alone with the baby. He's working up a huge resentment toward him/her.

Don't take the blame for his own behavior. Sounds like you regret some things you said to him but that's quite different than the behavior he is exhibiting. Right now, your priority is the baby.

When my first child was born, it took a few months for my husband to bond with him. Many times I felt like my husband was another child that needed my attention. Not a fun way to view your husband but his behavior was juvenile and disappointing. Our children are grown now and he has a good relationship with them. So there is hope....but my husband never threatened suicide or committed adultery...that's pretty serious.

Praying for you....comfort and guidance from our loving Savior..and that He speak to your husband's heart and mind and lead him into being a leader worthy of respect in his family

.

Hungry · Dec 6, 2013

Purplemonkey, welcome to CC. Congratulations on the birth of your son. Enjoy these first couple of years. Soon he will be running all over the place getting new bruises, cuts and scrapes all over him. Just a heads up one boy is peaceful by himself, but when you add a second the crazy stuff they will do is endless. About your husband, there is a difference between knowing about God and Jesus and being a follower of Christ. There is evidence in a persons life that indicates who they are a follower of. If their chief ambition in life is to satisfy carnal urges like eating, pleasure, comfort, excitement and sex then they are not followers of Jesus. By declaring Christ as Lord we are supposed to die to ourselves and not let our flesh guide our steps. Walking in the Spirit is not natural. It is only possible because of the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit that resides in the Saints or Christians. If your husband is not truly a Christian, then expecting him to love you selflessly, in my opinion, is not possible. I'm not going to give you advice on what to do because you should pray earnestly and ask God for that revelation. However, from what you have stated here your husband has demonstrated to be selfish and immature lacking wisdom and restraint. To top it off he blames others for his mistakes. I would pray for God to change his heart. Until he gives his life to Christ you should probably expect the same. My prayers are with you. Do not let your relationship problems with your husband rob you of the joy of bonding with your son at this time. At about 2-3 years your son will gravitate toward your husband and want to spend most of his time with him. That's just how God made boys to develop into men so don't feel hurt or rejected when this happens. There is much help and support here at CC. God bless.

ServantStrike · Dec 6, 2013

purplemonkey said:

What you had done to him? He cheated on you.

Perhaps, you may have been hard on him during the pregnancy, but that provides him with no justification for cheating on you, nor for his own behavior. And however much sex he gets, it's more than some of us do, so he really has no grounds for complaint.

I'm glad that you're working things out, but please don't pin the blame solely on yourself. When you work things out, you need two things from him. The cheating - that cannot happen ever again, and the excessive drinking, that's got to stop.

Stick it out and patch things up, it will be worth it. But just don't internalize this to mean you were entirely at fault here. God bless you for your patience. Most women would be screaming for a divorce about now, which is not what God intends for a marriage.

presidente · Dec 6, 2013

purplemonkey,

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are facing. One of the things about physical and emotional strain is that it can bring out things in you that need work. That would include going through constant morning sickness and hormonal shifts of pregnancy, and going without sleep during the early days after childbirth. A husband and wife can bicker due to her hormones and both of their lack of sleep.

My wife got really irritable with me when we were moving back to the US during her first pregnancy. It was an awfully stressful time, but she was very disrespectful to me during that time. And her first post-partum blues were very difficult to deal with, too. I wasn't insightful enough to really address the problem, but she had some issues related to respect, anger, and submission that needed to be dealt with. During her pregnancy with our youngest child, she was becoming disrespectful and argumentative, so I prayed about it. I remember on week where any conversation would turn into an argument or her getting her feelings hurt, even if I wasn't doing anything on my end to cause it. The stress was bringing out some issues she had with me. I realized I hadn't interceded for about her issues as I should, and I hadn't offered to accountabilty on it as I should. I felt convicted about it. As her husband, I should have done that. I didn't notice these problems so much when she wasn't pregnant, but all the stress of pregnancy brought it out, and her emotional state made it difficult to address the issue.

So I prayed, and asked God to show it to her, and he did. She repented. I mean, really repented. For about a week, I'd see her standing around crying. I'd ask her why she was crying. I'd ask her why. She'd remember some time she said something harsh toward me. Those newly wed feelings she had toward me were revived. She was still emotional during pregnancy and would get upset easier than normal. But it was without the quarreling and the disrespect. Even in the delivery room, she wasn't like a tiger wanting to bite my head off. I get really wired when one of my kids are born and talk a lot. That bothers her. But even in her pain and writhing, she didn't get angry at me and try to 'bite my head off' so to speak like she'd done before. Btw, I don't want to paint my wife as a shrew. Generally, she hasn't been that way. But during times of high stress and hormonal shifts, she could be a little difficult.

My point in writing this is if you have really treated him badly, to let God work on whatever it is in you that has caused this. If you snapped at him disrespectfully, apologize to him about it.

On the other hand, I think you may be beating yourself up, blaming yourself. Did your husband form an attachment with a woman he slept with twice way back before your marriage, or he slept with her twice after you got pregnant or had the baby? I wasn't quite clear on that. You may have done some wrong things, but that doesn't mean he can commit sexual sin. What is his attitude like? Does he seem like a man who has repented, or is he putting the blame on you? If you are willing to forgive him and take him back, I respect that and believe that is commendable. But I would hope that he would really repent.

Can you really blame yourself for not having sex with him right after childbirth? Maybe you could show him how long women had to wait in the Old Testament. You may not be Jewish or under the law, but it might make him think a bit. I don't believe you have to follow the same number of days, but God did give women a chance to heal up, and even put it in the law. As if common sense weren't enough to make a man know that his wife needs to heal. In a man, the sex drive can be very strong. There is no excuse for committing adultery or even fornication. I do believe normally a wife should meet her husband sexual needs, even if he has a high drive, and that men should do the same, setting the frequency based on the 'need' of the neediest partner. But that when things are operating normally. He shouldn't expect intercourse during that time, though you can still give him affection and attention.

Before childbirth, women often satisfy their need for affection with their husbands. They like the holding, hugs, kisses, and also get affection from sexual activity. After childbirth, the woman gets plenty of affection from the baby. If she feeds him or her naturally, she's getting plenty of oxytocin released from that. So making a concerted effort to pay the husband some attention may be a good idea, especially after she's healed up to the point where she can move around and function relatively normally. Take some time to talk. If you snap at him, apologize. Hormones may be flying all over the place, but try to have a meek and quiet spirit, even during difficult times.

There are Christian books you can get on getting past an affair. I hope your husband really repents and 'owns' his mistakes and doesn't blame you for it. You are only responsible for what you do or say. You aren't responsible for his choice to sin. If you want to encourage him to get involved in social activities, why don't you suggest he get involved with a church men's group instead of just going out with the guys. You can suggest. You can't make him do it. But it sounds like he would benefit from hanging around with godly men concerned with being good husbands instead of people who go out to drink and party.

Angela53510 · Dec 6, 2013

What an immature and selfish human being. He commits adultery, tries to commit suicide and he wants HIS expectations fulfilled.

You need to read the riot act to him. And the Bible! He has betrayed you, the marriage and God. Marriage means for better or for worse, and when you are in constant torment because of the pregnancy, that is the time when he needed to step up and be the best husband, not the most self seeking.

I have a cousin, and his wife was sick every single day of her two pregnancies. He stood by her, did all the housework, made his own meals and cared for the older one when she was pregnant with the younger. That is what a Christian husband does, and really, any committed husband should be doing that.

You need to get marriage and individual counseling. I hate to see any marriage break up, because I know it is God's will for marriage to be for life. But what he is doing is manipulative and selfish, and if he doesn't change, I see a living hell for you in this relationship.

Praying you get help, and that your husband will repent of his evil ways, not make demands of you!

purplemonkey · Dec 9, 2013

Hi

Thanks everyone for your replies!

It is so difficult to articulate yourself in this way. I have been blessed believe me with the most wonderful husband, he has been the most incredible support to me over the last 8 years and helped me through a lot of rubbish and is honestly an incredible person. It just happens that now he is having such a rough time and is so broken. I just wanted to say thanks for all the support.

He has agreed to get counselling and please God we will come through this, better and stronger ;-p

x

thedoctorwho · Dec 9, 2013

This is a very difficult situation for you and your husband. Depression is a hard thing to cope with and the aspect of your husband attempting to take his life is a very troubling. I have been suffering with depression for the last nine years and attempted in taking my own life but God saved me that night.

Many of the posts I've read above are pointing blame towards you and your husband. You attempted to care for your husband by taking into consideration his emotions and well-being during the pregnancy. Your husband, from my observations, used this little freedom to seek an escape from the stress before him in providing for you, a house, work, and now a newborn baby. All of that stress brought upon his depression and sought to feel something through drinking. However, as he continued down this path, the two of your become emotionally distant and he attempted to fill the void with the sexual attention of another woman. I am not making excuses for him and do not condone his action but merely stating my observations for you to reflect upon.

The biggest thing to know is that this is not your fault. We are quick to cast blame and judge another. The two of you are still individuals and your husband should have come to you and expressed what he is going through. It is his fault for not having enough personal strength to stay committed to you. During my depression I came across women who were interested, but even during my darkest hours I was committed to my wife.

I agree with Presidente, there are many books which can help you and your husband reconnect as a couple and grow individually. Of course, I would start with the Bible and discuss your favorite passages.

I'm happy to read that he is going to counseling, that has helped me tremendously and I thank God each day for it.

Proverbs 3:6 Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

Mammachickadee · Dec 9, 2013

thedoctorwho said:

This is a very difficult situation for you and your husband. Depression is a hard thing to cope with and the aspect of your husband attempting to take his life is a very troubling. I have been suffering with depression for the last nine years and attempted in taking my own life but God saved me that night.

Many of the posts I've read above are pointing blame towards you and your husband. You attempted to care for your husband by taking into consideration his emotions and well-being during the pregnancy. Your husband, from my observations, used this little freedom to seek an escape from the stress before him in providing for you, a house, work, and now a newborn baby. All of that stress brought upon his depression and sought to feel something through drinking. However, as he continued down this path, the two of your become emotionally distant and he attempted to fill the void with the sexual attention of another woman. I am not making excuses for him and do not condone his action but merely stating my observations for you to reflect upon.

The biggest thing to know is that this is not your fault. We are quick to cast blame and judge another. The two of you are still individuals and your husband should have come to you and expressed what he is going through. It is his fault for not having enough personal strength to stay committed to you. During my depression I came across women who were interested, but even during my darkest hours I was committed to my wife.

I agree with Presidente, there are many books which can help you and your husband reconnect as a couple and grow individually. Of course, I would start with the Bible and discuss your favorite passages.

I'm happy to read that he is going to counseling, that has helped me tremendously and I thank God each day for it.

Proverbs 3:6 Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

Love the objectivity and encouraging tone, brother.

purplemonkey · Dec 9, 2013

Ha ha if there were like buttons I would be pressing a few! Thanks

AngelDelight · Dec 9, 2013

purplemonkey said:

It is good to hear that you guys are getting counselling and that your husband has agreed to do counselling with you. If he is so depressed to the point that he wanted to take his own life then he does need help as he clearly has issues that need to be seriously addressed.

From your initial post I do not see where you were in error. You originally asked him if you could stop using birth control. If he didn't want to have children so soon that was a perfect opportunity for him to tell you that. He simply had to say he was not ready for children instead of agreeing it was OK. The way that he dealt with the whole situation was completely wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I admire you for still standing by your husband despite his affair and treatment towards you but where it is ok to stick with him and to encourage him to get help and counselling and to forgive him, it is not ok to blame yourself for his mistakes! You should not take on that burden. I understand that he feels disappointed with the way his life has turned out but you are not responsible for his misery - the reason for that runs far beyond you which i hope is established through the counselling.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hope everything turns out ok after the counselling. Keep your eyes always on God.

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