Relationship Issues

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seaco711

Senior Member
#1
Dec 30, 2009
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#1
To make a long story short: I am 21, dating a girl that is 23 that my parents do not like. They are very religious, and neither her nor I are. She also has a few tattoos, which my parents really do not like. My point of view: She is beautiful, brilliant, driven, successful, loyal, caring, generous, dresses conservatively, is strong, independent, a hard worker, she makes me a priority, and she has stood by me even when it was hard for her to fit in with my family. Her mother is not happy that my parents don't support our relationship. All of this (among other stressors) has led to us taking a break. During this time, I really need to figure things out with my parents.

My question is this: For those parents out there that are religious, what could a child say to you to allow you to support them and the woman/man they love even if that person is not your choice for them? Because that's what I need to accomplish.
 
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2b4God

Guest
#2
#2
I am not 'religious' but a christian. Have you talked to them about when they first met? How did their parents react to their choices? I would always try to stay respectful with them, and try to explain that the world and the people are very different from when they were young, although you realize that theirs and your love for God stays the same, (I hope you love God?!), you did say you weren't religious. But ask them to try to remember what it was like when they were young, and hopefully from there you can begin a adult conversation on how much you care for this girl and really want them to give her a chance. They should be expressing their love for God through acceptance of others. And it is sad that you two are taking a break. Is it strictly because of the fact that your parents aren't being accepting or did other factors play a role?
 
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seaco711

Senior Member
#3
Dec 30, 2009
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It's for lots of factors - it was also her first year of law school which is extremely stressful. I think part of it is her just trying to decompress from that. The parents are a bigger factor though. And when I say "not religious" I mean that I was raised Christian, but don't really know that I identify that way anymore (please not too much commentary on that - it's not something I can really help).
 
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Jordache

Guest
#4
#4
My hunch is that their disapproval is more out of concern that your girlfriend is not a Christian. Parents want what is best for their kids. For a Christian parent, a Christian bf/gf for their child is what they want. This is probably the root of their approval. It could also be simple judgement because of her tattoos and such.
 
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seaco711

Senior Member
#5
Dec 30, 2009
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The judgement of whether she's a christian or not IS what they are concerned about. But the problem is, she and I are on the same page regarding religion; me and my parents are not. I need to know how to convince them that I have found someone right for ME, even though it might not be who they would choose.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#6
Apr 18, 2013
9,367
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#6
seaco711 said:
It's for lots of factors - it was also her first year of law school which is extremely stressful. I think part of it is her just trying to decompress from that. The parents are a bigger factor though. And when I say "not religious" I mean that I was raised Christian, but don't really know that I identify that way anymore (please not too much commentary on that - it's not something I can really help).
Click to expand...
Seaco711,
This IS a Christian chat site.
People here will, of course, be concerned that you say you're not a Christian.

Most Christians, if using the Bible as their guide, will think it's much more important that you find God, than find the right girl... because your eternity is much more important than your short time here on earth.

If I had a grown son come to me, saying he was not a believer, and he wanted my blessing on a relationship... I would have little concern about the relationship. My only concern would be to help my child reconcile with God. Lots of nice Christian boys and girls go off to college, and have their faith beaten out of them by atheist professors who ridicule them, and then present lots of clever arguments. What you don't learn in college is that there is more than enough evidence out there to support things like the historical reliability of scripture, and to disprove things like evolution. Even many scientists are now turning away from evolution, and toward theories like panspermia... because evolution doesn't hold up.


I truly hope you get everything sorted out and right with your parents and girlfriend,
but it's much more important that you get things right with God.
 
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seaco711

Senior Member
#7
Dec 30, 2009
104
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I used to be much more religious than I am now - hence the membership here. I still like to come here occasionally to get that perspective from people who are parents and who are more religious - like my parents are. I do truly understand what you're saying, but at what point do you realize that although my religious beliefs don't line up with yours, I have still found someone that I am truly happy with? At what point can you separate the two and still support my relationship with a great, caring person regardless of the religious beliefs?
 
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jimmydiggs

Guest
#8
#8
So, basically you're wanting to know what to say to your parents that will make them want to let you do what you want to do?
 
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Hellooo

Guest
#9
#9
seaco711 said:
My question is this: For those parents out there that are religious, what could a child say to you to allow you to support them and the woman/man they love even if that person is not your choice for them? Because that's what I need to accomplish.
Click to expand...
Why not ask the parents you're referring to directly? That way you understand what's important to them, straight from the source.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#10
Jun 29, 2012
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#10
I dont know you are 21...at some point you just have to separate from your parents if they arent being supportive of you. Depending on how you feel about this she might be worth that kind of action. Your parents will come around eventually.
 
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seaco711

Senior Member
#11
Dec 30, 2009
104
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#11
I have been dealing with this kind of thing with my parents for a while. I can handle it. She can't; she wants to be in a relationship where her significant other's parents care about and value her. That's completely understandable, and if I want to be with her I need to make that happen. It's not about just doing what I want. I'm old enough to be with her regardless of my parents' approval or support, but I desperately want it. They don't have to approve (and with their background I don't expect them to), but i do want some sort of support and care for the person that I am choosing.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#12
Jan 21, 2011
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I think the real issue is that you are now an adult and your parents need to realize that. I don't say that easily....my daughter entered into a relationship where her dad and I did not approve of her boyfriend. But we realized that she was an adult; we had tried to instill in her Christian values; and sometimes those values aren't tested until they're out there working in real life choices. We continued to love her unconditionally, just like Christ loves us. We didn't approve of her choices (and we let her know this and the reasons why), but we 'accepted' them.

Adults have to make their own decisions and other people have to respect that right of everyone to make their own choices (and mistakes). Of course, parents are going to give their opinions and advice first....we see it has our godly duty to do so ;).

I have a feeling that your parents will accept the situation once they get to know your girlfriend. It's important that she not get resentful about it or they may never reconcile. Hurt can lead to resentment and contempt. Your reactions will probably be the crux of how your parents and she interact later, so try to help her understand why they're reacting the way they are.

Remember the love that you have for your parents and them for you....that will get you through a lot. Sit down with them and patiently and calmly explain that you'd like the freedom to make your own choices. They don't have to approve of them, but you would like them to accept the fact that you have a right to make your own choices.

Praying for all of you....that the Holy Spirit will bring a sense of understanding and peace into your relationships so you can work through this valley successfully :).
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#13
May 3, 2013
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#13
Wow! I wish my kids were like you but, beside this (on behalf of you) I beg you to allow me to say that your not your own, you live under THEIR ROOF, and there are some strings or aprons on (I´m telling you this respecfully, sir) (as if you were my child).

a) What way you want them to be supportive? (Economically?)
b) I´m glad both on them love you. "...Her mother is not happy that my parents don't support our relationship."

A tatto is not an issue to dismiss a person.
Your parents look to be controllers, but they do it FOR LOVE, to spare you some troubles and suffering. Why not asking what´s wrong? What do they see you cannot see now? (LOVE makes us to be "blind")
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#14
May 3, 2013
8,719
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#14
@ seaco "...I have found someone right for ME,..."

That´s worth mentioning. Being LOVED is an honor, and you are mature enough to deal LOVINGLY with those who love and have loved you since childhood to adulthood.

Ask them their reasons! Discern them and separate religion from reasons.
 
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seaco711

Senior Member
#15
Dec 30, 2009
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#15
Thanks secularhermit. I really appreciate your responses. I have already talked to them about all of this stuff, and I've already heard them out (over and over again). I do appreciate their position, but it's just not one I share. Now it's simply all about getting them to offer up a little bit of support, which they still can't seem to do.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#16
#16
ok i just saw your post. not sure if you still want some advice but I've thought about it.

If you were my son (who is 7 right now so thinking of him as 21 and dating is strange but anyway)

and he told me he didn't believe in Jesus anymore, I'd be heartbroken. Before you can really deal with the issues about your girlfriend you have to make some peace with your parents about your religious convictions or lack of them.

they have to realize that you don't consider yourself Christian and the things that bother them about her are part of what makes you feel comfortable with her.

You have to establish for your parents that you had these thoughts and feelings independent of meeting her. that she is not the cause of you doubting God, Jesus or your faith.

I wouldn't even mention her in the conversation when you tell your parents about your beliefs or lack of them. You don't want your parents to associate the two in their minds because that will make them automatically not like her.

then at a later date you should talk to them about the Bible, which will reassure them that you are even reading the Bible (which I encourage you to do, i also encourage you to pray)

the verses about loving those who you consider your enemies and how to treat others with love and respect will help you build a platform to tell your parents that you don't think they are acting in that manner towards your girlfriend.

You can tell them that even though they don't like her because she's not Christian. She loves you and you love her and you really want to make it work. You want them to understand and try to be loving and kind to her as God asked them to be despite that because of their love for God even if their love and concern for you makes them overly protective.

You have to show them you are mature and grown up enough to handle a romantic relationship. You are able to have a job, live independently, etc.

If you want your parents to like and accept her, show them how she makes you a better man and how her love enriches your life and how she encourages you and uplifts you and inspires you to be the person God intends you to be.
 
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