Separation From My Wife, Searching for God's Answer!

[JayS41]

Greetings everyone!
I will try not be long-winded!
I've been married for almost five years. I love my wife and our children deeply (we have a daughter together and 5 other children between us from other relationships. I am 41, she is 39)
Although we both had children out of wedlock in the past, we both wanted to be married under God's will and have a proper family.
Well, I was a heavy drinker. I wasn't violent, but very verbally abusive. Two months ago, I put myself in a recovery home. I had blown up verbally on her and scared the children I woke up with incredible shame and opted to seek help. (I had quit last year also, but went back at it...something that hurts my wife still)From this recovery home, I spoke with my wife daily, and all of our conversations led me to believe she was waiting for me to come home. In truth, she was afraid of telling me that she was leaving with the children (she thought I may panic and leave the recovery home to find her) So, I came home to an empty house. I am devastated beyond words. That said, I really looked at how I was treating my family in the recovery home, and if I were her, I would have got out as well, no questions asked. Her leaving cemented the reality of just how bad I was in the end.
She has not given up on our marriage..she simply tells me that she needs to have some breathing room and sort through her emotions. She is very hurt. I was blind and selfish for years, and did not see how deeply I was affecting her.
She knows that I want our marriage back more than anything. At one point I asked her why she just couldn't tell me whether she wanted the marriage or not...it seems pretty cut and dry to me (am I being selfish?) she only says "maybe." She is in counselling to try to understand her feelings and also understand alcoholism. I pray and petition God daily, often hourly. I was saved years ago, but returned to my addiction for alcohol and spiralled down fast, this time hurting and innocent family. I am actively attending church and 12 step groups (though I don't know how I feel about the 12 step idea that God is whatever concept we decide to have of Him) I guess to sum it up, I don't even know if I should be asking God to save my marriage...maybe He doesn't have it in His plan for us. I am also scared to death of waiting and hoping that my wife returns...as I may wait a long time, and she may decide to not return. It is terrifying. But most importantly, I was forced to my knees through all of this, and drawn back to God. I am grateful for that, and also ashamed that I only sought Him when I had run out of my own resources. But I am back trying to let God work inside of me, and for good this time. I attend a church locally, three times a week. As for my wife, I pray that her hurt and anger, which will only last inside of her through Satan, be destroyed. I prayed much while in recovery, and a truth came to me one night...with faith we can cast mountains into the sea...in my case, mountains of pain that I gave my family, and the mountain of addiction I was living in. Do I petition God for my wife? How do I talk to my wife, how much space do I give her, how long do I wait? Any suggestions?

 

[presidente]

Keep praying and hang in there. It's good that you are facing some of your past sins.

The needing space thing is something you have to be careful with. If I were you, I would gently and prayerfully try to get back in the same house with her. If she doesn't see you much and remembers recent bad memories right before you went to rehab, it would be easier for her to be less engaged in the relationship than if she sees you every day.

One thing you can suggest is going to counseling, either with a Christian counselor or a pastor. Whoever it is, check the person out first and see what their philosophy is on divorce and Biblical values about marriage. Go with someone really pro-marriage, anti-divorce, and pro-reconciliation. The counselor's philosophy about marriage is very important. My wife and I went to a pastor once for counseling after a big argument once. My wife had called him. When I set up the appointment, he told me he respected my role as head of the home and wouldn't proceed with counseling my wife without my approving it. (I think he also realized pastors secretly counseling wives alone can cause some problems.) I also knew he wasn't the pro-divorce type. I think most of our issues started to be resolved before we met with him. But I felt comfortable going to him because I knew how he felt about divorce. I wouldn't have gone to an anti-male type counselor, for example a die-hard feminist woman, or even a anti-male male counselor who assumes the husband is at fault. I wouldn't want some kind of die-hard male chauvinist who insists that women be barefoot in the kitchen either. One man I knew went to a counselor with his very embittered wife and the secular counselor, a woman, told them they needed to separate, even though they were going there for marriage counseling. You need to check your counselor's values and try to get a sense of your wife's counselor's values from talking to her if you can.

You might also try to get some clues from your wife about what kind of counselor she is going to. If she is going to someone who thinks its appropriate to divorce her husband to heal he wounds, try to influence her away from that and toward someone else. Hopefully the counselor won't be like that.

See your children a lot. If you get off work in time every day to pick them up from summer programs or daycare or whatever they involved in. Take them swimming or to music lessons. That way you can stay an active part of their lives. If you see your wife whenever you pick them up, that keeps you in her life, too. Teach your kids something they need to know for school. Does one of them need to know his/her multiplication tables? Take that on as a project.

If you aren't living together, you can still tell your wife you want to study the Bible and pray with her and the kids. That's a good resolution for when you get back together. But you could drop in as a visitor. You can also confess your sins to your kids that affected them and get their forgiveness. Ask your wife for forgiveness.

If you keep dropping by to see your kids and spend time with your family, assuming that's allowed, eventually your wife may just decide it doesn't make sense to live apart.

If you've been verbally abusive, turn that around and do the opposite. When you see your wife and kids, give them genuine, heart-felt encouragement. Be positive and edifying to them.

 

[JayS41]

Thank you for your thoughts. As it sits, she's seeing a secular counsellor. She puts up a wall if I ask her about the type of advice she gets...very surface actually when she talks about anything. That is scary, as you touched on, for all I know this counsellor has a bias towards men or drinkers or something, and could well have been the one to tell her to get away from me.
I see my children as much as she allows, which is a fair amount. If I hint at even going on a date with her, she fires back at me right away, as in "Do you have any idea what you put me through?" If I ask where we stand as a couple, she tells me she doesn't know, because her emotions are fresh and painful. It is very scary. I really believe that husband and wife join before God and do not live apart, unless there's adultery or physical threat. I'm sure she's not interested in a Christian approach to repairing our marriage, and so all I can do is back off. Many friends I have in recovery circles tell me that if I pressure her on the marriage or suggest she do things a certain way, she will move on without me. I am advised to simply keep conversations light and easy going and not try to change the situation...to let her make the first move if she wants to be close to me at all. She's made it clear to me that she is going to take all the space she wants..she won't even give me her address. I am terrified, as these things seem like major red flags. One day I told her that if she couldn't give me some sort of signal as to what direction we were going together, I had to let go. She replied with "WHAT???" so I guess she still holds some hope, but totally on her terms. I'm lost and confused and don;t know what to think or what to ask God for. Part of me feels that in her anger (which I understand..I caused it initially) she will drift further away as time goes by, if Satan works on her with that anger...it must be healed and forgiveness must occur, despite what I did to hurt her...or there will be nothing left. I can;t even suggest it to her though or she gets angrier. God, if you're there, please cast Satan from this marriage!

 

[JayS41]

I should have mentioned that her two children, my step children, had behaviour issues from the start of our relationship. Not the "you're not my dad" type of issues...but in reality, they were used to having their way with my wife, as she basically spoiled them and didn't set a structure in their lives. My relationship with those two children got worse and worse. I began to resent them, as I had no control over their lives. I didn;t handle this properly...in my own resentment I pushed them further away from me as time went by. My wife is torn with this reality...as in why should she let a man back in who paid no attention to her children? They did need help in all fairness, but I wasn't emotionally there for them much at all. This may be the casting vote when she decides for or against reconciling.

 

[presidente]

Is there some kind of vacation-like activity you can do with her and the kids, maybe a water park that the kids would like, a trip to the lake? Do you know of any date-night activities she might enjoy, like a concert, the opera, the symphony, or something she'd love to have tickets for? Maybe you could 'bribe' her into going out with you?

Is there anyone close to her you can trust to give her good advice? A mother or sister with Christian values about marriage that could talk to her on your behalf.

I wouldn't say anything about letting her go like you did before. Be hopeful about your future together when you talk. Tell her how much you've learned and how you see how you've treated her and the kids wrong, and how well you will treat her in the future after you reconcile.

Is there somewhere she has been wanting to move? Maybe you could make some plans that would involve you two being together and start talking about them.

 

[JayS41]

I wish! She really has backed away. I see my own daughter twice a week, and she stays with us to talk. So it's not a total loss, but as for seeing her children, she won't let me. I've suggested that we go on a casual dinner date and such, but she replies with silence. I went to give her a hug on tuesday when I met to see my daughter..she recoiled. I'm at a total loss. All I can do is pray. I actually broke down crying...she asked me why, and I explained to her how ashamed I was for how I'd been..which is the truth. The hurt is immense, and there is not a thing I can do but do things the way she wants and just be there and try to be positive.

 

[JayS41]

I hate to say it but I'm getting very resentful of her. It is never God's will that wife or husband just walk away from the marriage and offer the partner no clear direction. I can understand somewhat, a separation that has guidelines and a future, mutual goal, but I am up against a wall. She lied to me while I was in the recovery home, telling me she was waiting for me to come home...and I had asked her to be up front if she wasn't ok with me returning, so that I could deal with that while I was in this home. She told me all was fine. My finances are ruined...I'm just barely paying the bills. She found a nice place, has a ton of Gov. money coming in now (child tax credit, which as a single mother is substantial, her own work pay and child support) I wasn't violent, nor did I cheat on her. I was a miserable drunk, which I went to get help for. I'm trying not to be in self pity over this, but with her refusing to communicate and seemingly trying to keep me hanging on for her own comfort, I am ready to cut my loss. I pray constantly. Her anger will kill our marriage, and she's content where she is, geographically and with her emotional hurt. I can't help but feel like a total sap. I really believe that couples who are married stick it out for better or worse, under God's direction. I don't think God has crossed her mind in any of this, and my resentment is growing. I'm on my way to church now to pray to be rid of my own anger.

 

[JayS41]

Resentment gone! I have to own my part and leave the rest to HIM. If He wills that the Holy Spirit enter her heart, He will do it. We serve a God of miracles. He hears our cries.

 

[yac11]

Praise the Lord....I just finished reading this thread. I don't know what happened on your way to church or at church but I am so happy for you that your resentment is gone. I am so happy to hear a man say that he is owning his part of the mess he created. I will pray for a miracle in your life. Because Jay...he does hear our cries, he really does.

Father in Heaven,

I want to ask for healing in this marriage and within the whole family. I want to ask that Jay never forgets your love for him and that he carries the light you have given him to each and every person in his family and they will come to know the new Jay. The Jay that puts you first Father in every decision and that he can learn to be still and listen always for direction in his life he so desperately needs. I ask that you rid him of his alcoholism and to know that he doesn't so much need counseling for the addiction as you can provide any help he needs with that. But that he will benefit from counseling and he can sit, listen to others who struggle who do not no the Lord and he can witness to them. He can bless many others from his terrible mess and heal many through you Lord. In Jesus Name, I so pray this Amen

 

[tenderhearted]

It's great to hear that you are taking the steps to get well. I know that you would prefer to have your wife by your side as you are healing, but your wife is hurt. I believe that you should pray for your wife daily and the marriage, but right now you are fragile. Trying to heal from alcoholism, mending a marriage, and reconciling with the kids is a bit much for you right now. Put your focus on getting well and building you relationship with Christ. I can guarantee you that it will all work out. God will bring your family back. If you pressure your wife into coming back, you are taking the situation into your own hands and not letting God work. Love your wife by being her friend. Give her room to heal and give yourself time. Worrying about whether your wife will leave is a distraction from you getting better. It can be a frustration and stress that will drive you back to drinking. I will pray for you. I know that you are not proud of the wrong you've done, but if you have repented of this then you need to forgive yourself. God loves you and he doesn't want you beating yourself up about this. God bless you.

 

[JayS41]

Thank you all for your prayers! It means everything! I want to feel hurt that she's not here now, but that is selfish. I do tell her that I'm here and hoping against hope, but I have to understand the pain I caused...in that light, I don't feel worthy of the marriage, but I place it God's hands and really try to stay out of the way. I fail alot...I do ask her a lot how she feels about the future for us, but more and more I simply try to encourage her in her own life, and thank her for when she does talk with me and bring my children to me. It is so hard to back off, but I know when I go to the alter and give it back to God, He can do His work in the marriage, and in our lives as individuals without me taking the reigns back from HIm. Thank you again for your prayer and encouragement!! BLess you all!

 

[keep_on_smiling]

I will be praying for you and your situation. I think it's great that you are seeking the Lord and that you have admitted to your part in this all.


I haven't been in your situation or your wife's situation, but I thought I'd share my view and recommendation. I know that what you are going through is a process and you are doing well. Reading through the thread a few times you mentioned how you don't know if you should give up or cut your loses. You even mentioned that to her once. I think given the circumstances, even if you think those things you shouldn't share them with her. If I were in her shoes that would sound manipulative. I'm not sure I'd want to go back with someone that wasn't willing to wait for me. I'm sure she's watching you and wanting proof that you've changed. Keep being there for her and your family, she needs to heal so try not to push her. Share what you'd like, but leave it up to her. If you want it to work, you will wait and be in her life as much as she will let you.

Be encouraged, the Lord is your helper. He can be your strength. When you feel discouraged look to Him, don't take it out on anyone. Be honest and open, but understand that damage has been done and only God can put it back together the right way. Let Him work through you. Pray for your wife.

God bless!

 

[JayS41]

I agree with you about not putting pressure on her. At first, I really did. To me it seemed like "You want to be married to me or you don't...so give me an answer!" But I've learned to shut up thank God! I told her tonight that the time apart gives me a good chance to focus on my recovery, and that she knows how I feel, and she can lead the way on our future. And it is good to hear a woman's perspective on things! I've been to some secular minded marriage forums, and some of the feedback is ok, and some of it is just heartwrenching (as in stats on separated couples...which are not glowing) All I know for sure is that if we place our lives in God's hands, with sincerity, whether married or not, He will work according to His will, and even if it's not what we'd hoped for, it's the best possible outcome.

 

[keep_on_smiling]

Your attitude is very good and that will help. I'm glad you are keeping the line of communication open. It's important that she knows you want her, but there is that line. Still praying for you all. It will take time, but like you said with God you will get the outcome that is best for all of you! Keep you head up God bless!

 

[JayS41]

Your attitude is very good and that will help. I'm glad you are keeping the line of communication open. It's important that she knows you want her, but there is that line. Still praying for you all. It will take time, but like you said with God you will get the outcome that is best for all of you! Keep you head up God bless!

Well today things went a little further for the positive. In all honesty, I likey tell her too much that I'm still here as her husband. I don't want to crowd her. But I leave it at that. I ask her about her day and try to be light hearted. She's been texting me all day telling me about the children and what they were doing, sending me pics of them. I thanked her and told her we have a beautiful family. Tonight she told me she loved me. The first time in months. I pray daily that God, in the name of Jesus, block Satan's work from our marriage. To me, that work is her justified pain toward me, but left to fester inside of her through constant rehashing. She's working against her pain in every way she is emotionally able to. The other side of Satan's work is an ex of mine who tells me that my wife is seeing someone else. This has happened twice. (Ex saw my wife and little girl today walking with a man, and got on the phone to me...told me "Oh, I don't want to hurt you, but you should know...blah blah blah) The man turned out to be her dad, but the way ex worded it, I was near tears. This same ex had me arrested and charged for a crime I didn't commit, a year after we were apart..to "teach me a lesson" I am now a convicted felon over this, as I ran out of money to defend myself properly. This ex is full of pain and likes to stir things up in my life. Shame on me for buying into her latest efforts at creating a wall between me and my wife. That is Satan's handiwork.
I believe that God hates Divorce, and I ask God daily to claim this marriage back and forgive me for damaging it with my alcoholism. I truly believe that God will heal a marriage if He wants it healed, and that He hates divorce. I love my wife like no other I've ever known, and I've told her that although she is hurt and confused, I'm here and fighting with everything in me for our marriage, and that I want her to have her space and be comfortable, that I will wait until the end of time if I have to. I mean that. To me marriage is a one time deal, and I won't see it any other way. But for her to tell me she loves me was like hard cold ice melting away.

 

[ChristianGuy0]

I'm really glad things might be improving.

Man to man, let me give you this advice- if you want satan gone, close off every potential doorway he might enter through. That means, if it's possible, keep that ex as far away as possible. I don't know if she is the mother or your child or anything, if not you should change numbers and not give her your new one or stay in contact. Exs can be toxic for a marriage and if you give them any space in your life it can result in your marriage ending. And on top of that, she falsely accused you and yet you kept her in your life? And if you were falsely accused, you can turn that around later, especially if you can prove you are innocent. God bless.

 

[danschance]

I'm glad you are trying to do better. You know, we as husbands and fathers can pray some unique prayers that the rest of the family might not be able to do, because we are the leaders of our home. God holds us men accountable and in a leadership position as priest of our house. Maybe you could even search the internet for prayers about divorce and employ them or parts of them. Here is one site that might help.

Print Prayers Against Divorce

Don't stop communicating with your wife. Send her text messages like "I need you", "Life is not the same without you", "Let's go on a date", write a poem and stuff like that. Be romantic. Maybe you could send her a letter of apology where you list everything you did wrong and how you plan on doing better. Send flowers to her work. Your wife's love bank is overdrawn and by sending those texts you will start making payments into her love bank. It may seem stupid to you but women treasure that sort of stuff. Also ask to spend time with your kids and do some fun things. You can love your wife thru her kids. They can go back to her and report of much fun they had. Not to mention children need a loving father for all sorts of reasons.

Hang in there and do everything you can. No matter what happens, Romans 8:28 always applies.

 

[Bookends]

Our God is a God of reconciliation. As long as the option is on the table for that, you should pursue it. Give as much space as she needs, but also let her know that you love her and think about her daily. Don't touch alcohol, for not everyone can stop at one or two drinks, for you it is a brawler. Continue in prayer and your Church life. Do everything you can do to be an outstanding citizen within your community and eventually people may tell her how much you changed. I'm no expert, but this is what I would do.

 

[Theophannia]

If she is saying maybe, then she wants the marriage to work. She does NOT want to come back to the way things were. So you have to rectify and PROVE the changes in you and allow her the time and space she needs to see if the marriage is what she wants. Actions speak louder than words, your words did this damage, and they will not get you out of it. YOU MUST show, not tell. Start over from the beginning and show her the NEW you, burry the past. You need to address the reasons to why you became angry as that was NOT just you or the alcolol. She has to account for her wrong actions towards you that helped fuel your verbal agression. But the most important thing is YOU must burry your past and start over, giveing her space and time. IF SHE IS UNABLE OR UNWILLING to accept HER problems issues actions and what she did, you can not fix this. Both of you MUST give accountability. Me and my husband just finally resolved a very similar situation and have our marriage back. Trust me its the process we are going through right now and we have our marriage back like it was a week after we got married, before the drama. But it is a process, not a magic it just never was button. There is no magic to make it happen, just BOTH OF YOU working at it.