I have no idea what I would do in your shoes except seek counsel with a licensed therapist, search my heart - and knowing myself try desperately to contact my spouse. I believe it would be valuable to you to atleast seek counsel.
A few years back my husband was unfaithful. It was short, ugly and horribly painful. He spent exactly one night at this other woman's home. It was the most excruciating thing in the world to watch him throw a few things in an overnight bag and walk out that door saying only, "I'll be back for more things later. Just need enough to get through the next few day's work."
I told him, "You don't have to do this." (It was the culmination of a month-long whirl-wind affair).
At that time I had no idea how long until I would speak to him again, see him again. Seemed the power was all in his hands. I was willing. He was not. If he would only talk to me. . .
During this month long process I had began working with a pair of marriage counselors about this issue. The female counselor gave me a woman's perspective - strength and a voice, helped me to realize what was and was not reasonable in this situation. The male counselor gave me very valuable insight into what my husband might possibly be thinking and feeling and why he would go to her when he could stay with me. The male counselor said that after he began the affair my husband did not feel worthy of me and it was easier to run to the person he committed adultery with than to face the shame of the hurt he had caused me (and himself,etc). We had also counseled with this duo before the affair and definitely after.
Anyway, I know this is getting long. My husband said, "I'm going to her house. Go to your mom's." (As if I had nowhere else to go or no one else to be). However, I had no income of my own - guess he figured I could not manage . . .but if he truly left and did not come back it would not really have been for him to decide. I called my mother and she said, "Stay and fight for your marriage. He will not respect you if you run home to mommy."
So that's what I did.
I called him the next day. I started doing all the legwork to bridge the gap, find out what was going on in his mind. Turns out this other woman was all but black-mailing him with an imaginary child. "I'm pregnant," she says. She wasnt. As he told me more of the details nothing added up and only a month in...no one knows that much about a pregnancy. And she had even threatened to file rape against him if he didnt stick around for her and this "child!"
I thought, "How could you have been so foolish! This woman, this idiot...these things don't even make sense. . .but they say men cheat down. . ."
I waited it out. He came back.
BUT he came back that day. We talked all throughout that day while he was at work and when he went to retrieve his belongings from her house that evening he had an officer meet him at her home so that there would be no difference of opinion.
Had he stone-walled me for 4months I believe even my Christian counselors would have said it is not unreasonable to consider that the marriage might be dissolving.
I am sure you understand that there are deep and long-standing issues within your marriage. It just doesn't get to a point like this otherwise. And deep and long-standing issues in marriage generally stem from issues within the individual.
I only say this because I have found it to be true. There were deep undercurrents building up for years that led to the infidelity. BUT MOST OF OUR PROBLEMS STARTED WITH US INDIVIDUALLY BEFORE WE EVER MET EACH OTHER. IT'S THE THINGS YOU LEARN AND BRING INTO RELATIONSHIPS.
But we are much better now. It is several years out. We've been together for about 20 years and I think we can make it.
We love each other and spend most of our time together and with family. Life is good, much better.
Hang in there - and do the work!
