So Confused

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GottaKnowUrWanted2

Guest
#1
#1
Ok this is really messed up and I know it is. I just don't know what to do to fix it!
I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. After a few months I started dating a man I've know for years. He and his wife had fought the whole time I've known them and she belittled him and emotional beat him down in front of people. Anyways after dating nearly a year he dumped me and went back to the abusive woman he was in the process of divorcing. Shortly after that I found out that the man that I was dating that "couldn't have kids" had gotten me pregnant. I told him about the baby and he insisted on trying to still rekindle his marriage. Fast forward to know. The baby is 4 months old and 2 months ago he came to me and said the marriage isn't working. She hates him because of the baby and he is going to end the marriage to raise our son together. Now since the baby was conceived we both have rededicated our lives back to Christ. The man knows I still love him dearly but he keeps being wishy washy because he can't figure out what is the right thing to do! I'm so frustrated and so tired of my hopes being brought up to have him chrush them again. I love him so much and I want a good life for our son!
Advice please?
Do you think it's wrong for him to leave a loveless marriage to be with his son and a woman that loves him?
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#2
#2
I just have one question: How can you "love him dearly" when the man is married to another woman, lied to you by saying he couldn't father children, walked away from you after having relations, and is now wishy-washy (translation: doesn't care)?

In his heart this man wants to work things out with his wife, he already proved that when he dumped you and went back. But since your child was born she's trying to unload him onto you because he's unfaithful. He may be saying he doesn't know the right thing to do. But I'm guessing what that means is he wants to go back to his wife, she doesn't want him, but he's going to keep feeding you a line of baloney until she takes him back again. Because he knows you'll put up with his nonsense.

This man is not the answer to your problems. In fact, I'd say he's the worst solution, especially for your beloved baby's sake. Christ Jesus should be your only focus and relying on Him for your life and your baby's life as well. Please seek spiritual counseling at your church and also get support from a women's center that offers help for women who have been abused. I pray in Jesus' name that you would apply the wisdom of Christ Jesus to your life for you and your precious baby. Grace and peace to you, Dear!
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#3
#3
May be a dumb question but was he divorced when you started dating?
 
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GottaKnowUrWanted2

Guest
#4
#4
They were legally separated but not divorced yet.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#5
#5
kaylagrl said:
May be a dumb question but was he divorced when you started dating?
Click to expand...
Kayla, in the OP she says he was "in the process of divorcing" but returned to his wife. She also said that even after she told him about the baby, "he insisted on trying to still rekindle his marriage." That sounds to me like he does not care about her or the baby.
 
J

JC3

Junior Member
#6
Feb 20, 2015
11
0
1
#6
Honestly my first reaction is that this is too complicated a situation to comprehend from a post in sufficient depth to trust that I would know what advice to give.

Perhaps the ideal would be that down the road you find another man, who is not torn between you and another woman, who will not lie to you about anything -- let alone something as important as whether he can get you pregnant, and who is not "wishy washy" about his commitment to you and your child. But that ideal isn't much tangible comfort in the short run, and isn't the man that you love right now.

In the mean time, perhaps it makes sense to invest in building a support network that can help you raise your baby. If you have to raise your child mostly alone, at least at first, you'll need that network. And frankly, even if you do end up in a stable marriage, that sort of community support is still a boon. And it's a way of not having all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, particularly one that has vacillated so much.
 
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GottaKnowUrWanted2

Guest
#7
#7
He didn't know he could have kids. He didn't lie about that. It shocked everyone!
 
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MyLighthouse

Guest
#8
#8
Here's your answer in scripture:

"Do not covet your neighbor's house; do not covet your neighbor's wife (husband) or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor." Exodus 20:17

"You must not commit adultery." Exodus 20:14
"But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman(or man) with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her(him) in his heart." Matt 5:28

Other comments:

What you did before was a sin and their are some sins unfortunately we still have to "pay" for after having received forgiveness. This is your situation. This man was never yours, he whether it is right or not was always hers and you... the side chick that was never suppose to be anything more. Yes, he used you and now is confused only because this was not in his plans. He from the sounds of it wants to fix his marriage, and biblically.. She's the only person who has the right to leave because of the adultery, he on the other hand isn't free until his wife says she doesn't want to be with him anymore. So fixing the marriage is the Christian thing for him to do. Yes leaving the marriage is wrong.

What about you?
You must love God more and stop this destructive relationship with this married man. It will ruin your relationship with YOUR husband, God! and if that's ruin, their will be not hope. God promised he would be the father to the fatherless(Ps 68:5), He will take care of you and your son. Repent and trust God, he will always be faithful to you and will not use you like this man did. I hope you will not take this lightly, it is so vital to you and you son's life.

You will be in my prayers, sister

 
J

Jeff_56

Banned
#9
Dec 26, 2014
3,757
19
0
#9
your son's life is messed up like everyone else's on earth with very very few exceptions (the command or instruction or proverb "raise up a child in the way he should go" (from Yahweh's view and Word, not man's) is practically NEVER ever , hardly even ever, done or seen or tried or even practiced. )

i.e. everyone is doing what is right in their own eyes, except for a small remnant, sealed on their foreheads set apart to yahweh the creator in yahshua (yahweh's salvation)
or
otherwise, simply, born again, born from above, born of yahweh elohim (God), not of man/flesh/nor the will of man; but OF GOD. (rare, eh? no argument there).

so,
anyway,

your son's life, like most children , is messed up in a messed up world, and soon this will be obvious to

everyone, not just to believers(real believers).

as everyone in the whole world goes their own way (except the few remnant)

and as it is written in scripture and cannot be changed --- everyone continues serving DEMONS and REFUSES ,
yes, REFUSES, to REPENT ---- they don't even think of repenting, it is written. so your son has a lot of company,

and so does everyone who doesn't even think of repenting and turning their entire life over to GOD ...

and those on the narrow road to life are often alone, but never lonely,

overwhelmed, but not overcome; given over by their families and churches and world governments to imprisonment or torture or death, but alive forever in yahshua hamashiach....

if you want to have any chance yourself at all, only God Himself can help .... and He won't unless you give
Him complete, total, full, and joyfully willingly whole-heartedly do exactly as HE SAYS in line with His WORD.

THIS MEANS giving up everything you once thought important, and putting Yahweh(God) as the ONE AND ONLY GOD in your life to honor and repent(turn to) and listen to intently, frequently, every day,

and do as HE SAYS. (you won't have much if any help doing this, it will be very very hard, and it is totally completely required if you want to have life in Christ Jesus). (literally, bringing EVERY thought and imagination and dream and hope and action and deed and value and thought(again) into subjection to JESUS, by HIS GRACE; if He is Willing and you trust Him to accomplish all of this pertaining to SALVATION and LIFE NOW and LIFE FOREVER. (which is what HE DELIGHTS TO DO- ---- but even HE has searched the earth to find anyone willing to seek Him........ and there's hardly anyone who does).

don't even think for a second you cannot get to heaven - or that you're unacceptable ---

Jesus said clearly that prostitutes and thieves will get to heaven before scribes and pharisees (priests and pastors and sunday school teachers included here with scribes and pharisees) ---
BECAUSE
they will repent sooner..... no one makes it if they don't repent.... period.
 
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GottaKnowUrWanted2

Guest
#10
#10
That's get it. He had grounds to leave her because of her emotional abuse on him. He started standing up to her and telling her no more and that he would leave if she didn't stop cutting him down all the time. Then she kicked him out. We were two beaten down people that clung to each other because we understood where the other came from! It's common for people to return to their abuser. I returned to mine once before breaking free.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#11
#11
This is what i would say, either separated or single, there are no guarantees in life that a partner will stay with you, it is an unavoidable risk that we all have to face if we want to be with someone.

Also even a single man can have past affections that remain a threat, that is why it is good to try to understand how they feel about their past relationships before deciding to commit. And if they are separated, well, for me, it would depend on who and why the separation was initiated, but first of all, if they were the one who initiated the separation, i would say, "no thanks", because i do not want to encourage or reward a person for getting a divorce, even if there was infidelity! (because there is no way i can really know the truth for certain anyway).
 
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GottaKnowUrWanted2

Guest
#12
#12
I just posted way they were split before you posted
 
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MyLighthouse

Guest
#13
#13
GottaKnowUrWanted2 said:
That's get it. He had grounds to leave her because of her emotional abuse on him. He started standing up to her and telling her no more and that he would leave if she didn't stop cutting him down all the time. Then she kicked him out. We were two beaten down people that clung to each other because we understood where the other came from! It's common for people to return to their abuser. I returned to mine once before breaking free.
Click to expand...
You still are, this man is abusing you emotionally. He keep seeming like he will come back to you but keeps hold to his wife. Biblically, you wanting him while he is married is wrong and is going to do nothing but hurt you and even worse your son! Can you imagine having a dad and thinking he will stay and he leaves and this process over and over again, this is emotional abuse too.
 
P

popeye

Guest
#14
#14
I would draw a circle, stand in it,and say to myself here I am,and I do have options,get God's direction,which means a fast,get alongide strong powerful believers take a step out of the circle and watch God work. All you and wilbur have proven is you can make a mess,just like the rest of us. But re read violets post and broaden your search to exclude wilbur.(mr mess maker)
 
B

BibleReader

Guest
#15
#15
I don't think most people in this forum could in good conscience tell you to marry this man.

If that's what you really want, I don't think that's going to happen, validation, reassurance that that is your correct path. I just don't think someone is going to post in this thread and give you that.

I think some of the replies in this thread might be difficult to read, but that's the thing about God, He will give you what you need, rather than what you want.

As for me, I definitely feel like this topic is above my pay grade (ducks). I do think seeking counsel with a local church might be a good idea. I will say a prayer for you and your child.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#16
#16
GottaKnowUrWanted2 said:
Ok this is really messed up and I know it is. I just don't know what to do to fix it!
I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. After a few months I started dating a man I've know for years. He and his wife had fought the whole time I've known them and she belittled him and emotional beat him down in front of people. Anyways after dating nearly a year he dumped me and went back to the abusive woman he was in the process of divorcing. Shortly after that I found out that the man that I was dating that "couldn't have kids" had gotten me pregnant. I told him about the baby and he insisted on trying to still rekindle his marriage. Fast forward to know. The baby is 4 months old and 2 months ago he came to me and said the marriage isn't working. She hates him because of the baby and he is going to end the marriage to raise our son together. Now since the baby was conceived we both have rededicated our lives back to Christ. The man knows I still love him dearly but he keeps being wishy washy because he can't figure out what is the right thing to do! I'm so frustrated and so tired of my hopes being brought up to have him chrush them again. I love him so much and I want a good life for our son!
Advice please?
Do you think it's wrong for him to leave a loveless marriage to be with his son and a woman that loves him?
Click to expand...
Time for you to make your own decision and stop waiting on someone else to decide your life for you. This man has shown poor character, very poor character. Cheating on his wife, lying to you, getting you pregnant then dismissing his responsibilities. Now that things aren't going so well he wants to run back to you. He is a very selfish and inconsiderate man who, quite clearly, cares only about himself.
And, unless you have personally seen this so called abuse he deals with, given his tendency to lie to get what he wants, do you know that it is even true?
Now, ask yourself, how hard of a decision is it to figure out if you want to be with him or not? Is he really worth waiting for? Worth heart ache? Or is he a scavenger picking off the leftovers and having no sincerity or realness about him? This seems, to me, like a really easy answer.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#17
#17
GottaKnowUrWanted2 said:
Ok this is really messed up and I know it is. I just don't know what to do to fix it!
I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. After a few months I started dating a man I've know for years. He and his wife had fought the whole time I've known them and she belittled him and emotional beat him down in front of people. Anyways after dating nearly a year he dumped me and went back to the abusive woman he was in the process of divorcing. Shortly after that I found out that the man that I was dating that "couldn't have kids" had gotten me pregnant. I told him about the baby and he insisted on trying to still rekindle his marriage. Fast forward to know. The baby is 4 months old and 2 months ago he came to me and said the marriage isn't working. She hates him because of the baby and he is going to end the marriage to raise our son together. Now since the baby was conceived we both have rededicated our lives back to Christ. The man knows I still love him dearly but he keeps being wishy washy because he can't figure out what is the right thing to do! I'm so frustrated and so tired of my hopes being brought up to have him chrush them again. I love him so much and I want a good life for our son!
Advice please?
Do you think it's wrong for him to leave a loveless marriage to be with his son and a woman that loves him?
Click to expand...

As some others have stated,you are not in Gods perfect will for your life.This man really doesnt belong to you.Im sorry but this is a rebound relationship.You need to let God heal your hurts and focus on your child.You dont need to focus on this mans problems and he doesnt to be in your life.Having a relationship with him is not going to turn out well and I see a lot of pain ahead for you if you continue with him.Let he and his wife fix their issues and you wait on God to send the right person your way.This man is not the one.You need to make sure you are in Gods will and you are caring for your son.Nothing else should be on your mind and you do not need a relationship right now.You need to focus on yourself.Do not add this drama to your life.You dont need it.Let this man go.You will be glad you did.
 
PeterJens

PeterJens

Banned
#18
Feb 24, 2015
13,204
168
0
#18
First reaction, you are too open to abusive men who exploit your "needs" for their own sexual ends. In a proper loving relationship, you would not let things escalate too far without proper commitments on both sides. Until you wake up to your own failure and to how to meet your relationship needs you will continue to be a victim.
This current man "you love" maybe right for you, but not on the terms you are currently in. He commited adultery with you, and you were quite happy to go along with sleeping with him without the proper relationship and respect. If you want to follow the Lord you need to honour his relationship realities and put things on hold. It is only by finding out the truth, you know what the next steps are. Marriage is a life time commitment, which you are basing on an affair, and an unfaithful man with is a sinful foundation. That foundation will only lead to more pain and problems, and has little value until you let truth in.
 
R

Rahab_Rose

Guest
#19
#19
Hi, I rarely post, your story touched me. First, I feel for your son. It is unfortunate the situation you have put yourself in. I do have compassion for you, it is really hard when we make bad choices and have to endure the consequences. So, glad to hear you have turned back to Christ, that is a wonderful thing! Now, the tough stuff.....in love I tell you, because I KNOW-

Really think hard on this, your are in a vulnerable position now, it hard to care for an child alone. However, think about what really happened here- You are the leftover, you are second best, this man is only returning to you and this beautiful baby because his wife really does not want anymore. If his wife was ok with this his choice and this baby and all was well , he would not be even paying you or this child any mind. Hard truth to swallow, but lovely women, he dumped you and child and now he wants back because it did not work out so great for him, not because he deeply loves you. Do you really want to be someone back -up plan? Do you really want to live a life where you constantly worried something better will come along and he will leave you? If I was you , I would think long and hard and pray on this before I put this child in a position to be left high and dry down the road.

Consequences of sin really are hard, however you can be triumphant by repenting turning back to God. Both of you this man and yourself committed sin, which happens , however we have to own the sin and take the consequences. You ask if this man is wrong to leave his marriage, but you fail to see that you both engaged in activity that would bring heart ache BEFORE he left his marriage. Why your struggling. It is ok you can overcome this crisis, however I encourage you to pray and turn to Jesus for guidance this has the making of getting worse for you and that precious baby.

Dear Sister, you are far better than being some confused man's second choice. You are far more worthy than that. May I suggested that in the situation you find yourself now, you focus on raising that child not worrying about having another less then desirable man. Perhaps, you some healing, so you can learn to discern the good men from the bad, then pray for a good man and never settle for second best.

I will pray for you and your child, be strong and know your worth and that child's worth. There are far worse things in this life then not having a man, and one is having a wishy-washy man who will turn on you!

All I say is in love an compassion. God Bless You in all ways you need it. :)
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#20
Jan 24, 2011
11,781
2,947
113
#20
Like the others, I do not believe you should have anything more to do with this man who is using you! Except to collect a support check for his son. Please apply to have him help you financially with the child.

You have broken God's laws, slept with a married man, rationalized that he is "emotionally abused" so that makes it ok for you to steal him from his wife. He may have some validity for leaving his wife, that is another discussion, but you do not have the right to sleep with him every time his wife looks at him the wrong way.

In fact, you may be a major factor in him not reconciling with his wife, getting marriage counseling etc. It is possible to restore marriages and he needs to focus on that.

As for you, you need to cut off contact with this man, except for support and visitation for your son if he requests it. He is not going to do you any favours, and no, he does not love you, he is using you.

Please get some help, and find out about the Cycle of Abuse. You have been through one bad relationship, and this one has every potential of being another one, in a different way.

God wants you to work on purity, I know. That means not sleeping with someone until you are married to them. And preferrably not married to someone else while you get to know them. Find someone who is actually single, and spend a few years in courtship, while getting counseling. I promise you that this will help you for the rest of your life.
 
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