Struggling to forgive my sister

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T

Tams

Guest
#1
#1
Hi all. A few years back my sister and her husband were preparing to go on a cruise. They started to think about how they would be leaving their 5 kids and be gone for over a week...anyways, in the process of preparing for their trip, they figured it would be a good thing to set up guardianship for their kids (just in case something were to happen to them while they traveled, as well as security for the future.) So prior to the trip, I get a call from my sister who is about 3 yrs younger than me, asking me if my husband and I would be their kids guardians. Needless to say, I was so honored to be asked this, and to think that my sister and brother in law would in trust us with their precious gifts from God. My heart was happy. Even though I prayed it would never ever have to come to that, I still felt so special, and told her we would want them to be our kid's guardians as well although we hadn't officially set that up, it was just a given in my mind. We are family and that's how families should be. I know sum it up, right...
Well about a week before they took off for their trip and out of the blue via fb message, I got the news that would be the wedge that has been between my sister and me and our once close relationship. She stated that instead of custody going to my husband and I, they decided to give custody to some "really good friends" (known about 2 yrs at that time,) or or my brother in laws cousin's daughter and her husband. Reason being because she wouldn't want us to have to move and a few other wishy washy type excuses. We only live aprox 40 minutes apart...anyways, I was broken over this. My heart was so hurt I couldn't understand her choices and we went back and fourth over it. I thought I had forgiven her, but I take it back. When she posts pics of her family with the close friendsi just push hide cause it hurts...our kids (cousins) have barely seen each other in the time since. I have watch sermons on forgiveness, read the Bible on it, and I know it's not right to harbor bad feelings, but I just can't seem to get over it, nor do I feel close to her/them anymore. Thanks for reading this long post. I would love feedback.
 
S

sunburn

Guest
#2
#2
Seriously. They have decided to choose the guardians for their kids. They CAN change their mind if they want to. As her SISTER, don't you understand that family DOES NOT need a special paper, and an oat to say they will look after each other in any event or case. If she wants to make other people responsible for her kids apart from family, that's their choice. Why loose sleep over this?

Your reaction somehow makes me question whether your sister tries to distance herself from your overly sensitive nature ?? a question -My two cents-
You shouldn't be making someone feeling guilty for changing their mind over her own kids unless there are other issues between you too, from what you mention here, I really don't see why you are holding a grudge.
It's childish and quite frankly a waste of energy.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Forgiveness is a choice. You can watch a million sermons on the topic. Until you make a conscious choice to stop dwelling on the hurt and resentment and start pushing those things aside and make effort to forgive you never will.

In in regard to the above poster I think her hurt is valid. And while her sister does have the right to change her mind this does not make the OP overly sensitive.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#4
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#4
Love, friendshipship does not need a signature to be real.

It was their right (as also it could be yours) and look at the positive side of it: Develope a relationship with them and their children, it you are allowed to (becasue it could also be hindered) as I´ve known with my own children, who are somewhat reluctant and biased to like their mother instead of me, but I´m responsible for my lacks and shortcomings and, if some fellowship is developed with them in the future (or not) my emotional bonds are mine, these cannot be neglected, and it is up to those childrren to come near or not (too) same way their unsteady parents.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#5
#5
You are stuck in a pain cycle and it will eat you up. You have to focus on what is true about you.....you are loving, you're a good sister, you're a good aunt and you are loved. If you don't arrest the way you are thinking about this it will tear you up. I know its hard but I understand wounding from family members very intimately. In a nutshell, you are letting your sisters actions define you based on an untruth or untruths about you.
 
P

psychomom

Guest
#6
#6
Hi, Tams. :)

i have three sisters, and we can hurt each other like no one else can. :(

the thing is...once i start walking in what i know i should do, the feelings follow.
if my sister offends me, and i can't find the feeling of forgiveness,
i just call her, and 'like' her FB posts, and send cards telling her i love her.
these are things i know i should be doing as a forgiving sister.

and then, one day, i wake up and find i really do love my sister. :)
one day, i wake up and find the Lord has changed my thoughts to:
i forgive my sister, and i realize just how great my offenses against God are,
and that He has forgiven me. suddenly, i have received God's grace toward
my sister and toward me, and am able to give it to her.

we're all just train wrecks, aren't we? :)
try not to worry about her 'whys and wherefores'.
try not to allow the jealousy you feel toward her friends to consume you.
you're not only sisters, you're sisters in Christ, right?
you might be surprised what a simple, 'i'm sorry...i was wrong' can do. ♥
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#7
#7
Sirk said:
You are stuck in a pain cycle and it will eat you up. You have to focus on what is true about you.....you are loving, you're a good sister, you're a good aunt and you are loved. If you don't arrest the way you are thinking about this it will tear you up. I know its hard but I understand wounding from family members very intimately. In a nutshell, you are letting your sisters actions define you based on an untruth or untruths about you.
Click to expand...
If I could expound on this...I am guessing that you are angry. Anger is a secondary emotion and serves as a warning of a crossed boundary and or core value. What is the pain you feel behind that stirs up the anger? Is it a feeling of rejection, invalidation...whatever it is you have to give it a name so that you can process it. Unprocessed pain leads to anger depression and anxiety and acting out of anger ALWAYS creates more pain.
 
K

Kaycie

Guest
#8
#8
The hardest person I ever had to forgive kidnaped me, beat me, loaded a gun and put it to my head, raped me for years, imprisoned me in a dark basement for years, and kidnapped my child- whom he also beat. I used to imagine him burning in hell. But after imagining millions of years of him begging me to help him, and screaming out in pain, my heart started to soften. It's at that point I asked myself, "Are you seriously forgiving him?" and the answer was a hesitated yes. Right at that moment I felt so free. After that forgiving came faster and faster until I was able to forgive even while it was happening.

What could I possibly do to them anyways t could be worse than torturing them with fire and never letting them die to escape it, ever? All revenge belongs to God, and if we don't forgive then He won't forgive us. Now let me ask you, is the hurt you feel toward your sister so worth holding onto that it's worth not going to heaven to be with God? Nothing is worth that. What is the worst mankind can do to you? It is still not as bad as heaven will be good.

No matter how someone hurts us we must always forgive.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#9
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#9
Your sister did not sin against you? She simply made a decision that you don't like. So imo, there's nothing to forgive. I understand your disappointment and that your feelings were possibly hurt, but technically, your sister made a decision for her children that didn't include you, and that made you mad. That's not her fault. jmo
 
fdpa24

fdpa24

Junior Member
#10
Mar 5, 2009
20
3
0
#10
Tams said:
Hi all. A few years back my sister and her husband were preparing to go on a cruise. They started to think about how they would be leaving their 5 kids and be gone for over a week...anyways, in the process of preparing for their trip, they figured it would be a good thing to set up guardianship for their kids (just in case something were to happen to them while they traveled, as well as security for the future.) So prior to the trip, I get a call from my sister who is about 3 yrs younger than me, asking me if my husband and I would be their kids guardians. Needless to say, I was so honored to be asked this, and to think that my sister and brother in law would in trust us with their precious gifts from God. My heart was happy. Even though I prayed it would never ever have to come to that, I still felt so special, and told her we would want them to be our kid's guardians as well although we hadn't officially set that up, it was just a given in my mind. We are family and that's how families should be. I know sum it up, right...
Well about a week before they took off for their trip and out of the blue via fb message, I got the news that would be the wedge that has been between my sister and me and our once close relationship. She stated that instead of custody going to my husband and I, they decided to give custody to some "really good friends" (known about 2 yrs at that time,) or or my brother in laws cousin's daughter and her husband. Reason being because she wouldn't want us to have to move and a few other wishy washy type excuses. We only live aprox 40 minutes apart...anyways, I was broken over this. My heart was so hurt I couldn't understand her choices and we went back and fourth over it. I thought I had forgiven her, but I take it back. When she posts pics of her family with the close friendsi just push hide cause it hurts...our kids (cousins) have barely seen each other in the time since. I have watch sermons on forgiveness, read the Bible on it, and I know it's not right to harbor bad feelings, but I just can't seem to get over it, nor do I feel close to her/them anymore. Thanks for reading this long post. I would love feedback.
Click to expand...
That’s a rough situation and you have every right to be upset. You need to forgive her and leave it at the cross and let God move. I have learned in life that Holy Spirit works so much better then how I act in the flesh. Here is also a great quote

“Do yourself a favor and forgive anyone that has anything against you. Do it as an act of faith and trust God to change and heal your emotions. Pray for your enemies and never say another unkind thing about them. It is the only way you can move past the pain and begin to heal.”
― Joyce Meyer

Your in my prayers
 
S

sunburn

Guest
#11
#11
Ugly said:
Forgiveness is a choice. You can watch a million sermons on the topic. Until you make a conscious choice to stop dwelling on the hurt and resentment and start pushing those things aside and make effort to forgive you never will.

In in regard to the above poster I think her hurt is valid. And while her sister does have the right to change her mind this does not make the OP overly sensitive.
Click to expand...


There is a boundary to be drawn here.The sister did not sin against her. She just changed her mind. Explained her reasons which the poster choose not to believe.

From an outsider point of view, I would say this could be a simple matter.

The validity of staying hurt when someone did not actually intended to hurt us does not make sense to me.
Forgive, Yes, but you have to be clear about what you are forgiving before starting to make conscious steps towards healing from the hurt.
Forgive her sister to disapointing her? may be.
Telling her she is disapointed is a good thing. Telling her, she is a bad sister for simply not choosing her; because she changed her mind without planning on hurting her sister, is to me very wrong and disproportionate. Unless she has issues or there are other issues in the family prior to this event.

Everyone's hurt is valid as long as it fulfils a clear purpose and comes from the correct cause and effect. Otherwise, we would all walk around feeling hurt over people's opinions, characters, preferences in life that has not been intentionnally directed at us and may have nothing to do with us. It is our choice to learn how to recognise correctly an offence and decide to overlook it. If offence there is.
 
T

Tams

Guest
#12
#12
I just want you all to know that I truly do appreciate your opinions. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It has deffinetly helped to have the opinion of people who don't know me or my sister. I have to clarify a few things though I love my sister and she loves me. We are cordial with each other, we just haven't been as close as we used to be. Yes, she is my sister in Christ also. We were very close growing up. I miss fellowship with her. I guess I believe that if Idistance myself from her then the pain will go away. Yes, she has told me time and again that it had nothing to do with me personally, they just didn't want to have to uproot the kids from where they are, and the friends, as well as my brother in laws 2nd cousin all live in the same town as my sister. I live about 40 minutes north. I think whoever mentioned jealousy above and anger is spot on. The more I dwell, the more I let all of the jealousy, hurt, bitterness and anger overwhelm me. What a vicious cycle. One day I feel like I move on, then something will trigger or stir up, and I'm right back to square one, just where the enemy wants me to be. Kaycie from your post above I am so very sorry for all that you went through, makes my situation seem trivial. However, I know that my salvation is secure in Christ. Yes we are to forgive to be forgiven, but don't take it out of context. If I lost my salvation every time I didn't forgive someone right away, then what would have been the point of Jesus laying down His life for me and all of my sins past, present, and future. Anyways, thank you and I can't tell you how much this has helped. So thankful God lead me here. Blessings.
 
S

sassylady

Guest
#13
#13
sunburn said:
Seriously. They have decided to choose the guardians for their kids. They CAN change their mind if they want to. As her SISTER, don't you understand that family DOES NOT need a special paper, and an oat to say they will look after each other in any event or case. If she wants to make other people responsible for her kids apart from family, that's their choice. Why loose sleep over this?

Your reaction somehow makes me question whether your sister tries to distance herself from your overly sensitive nature ?? a question -My two cents-
You shouldn't be making someone feeling guilty for changing their mind over her own kids unless there are other issues between you too, from what you mention here, I really don't see why you are holding a grudge.
It's childish and quite frankly a waste of energy.
Click to expand...
Family does need to make it legal on paper as far as who they choose to take their children in if something happens to both parents. The state can and will take the children in some instances of there is no legal document.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#14
#14
Tams said:
I just want you all to know that I truly do appreciate your opinions. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It has deffinetly helped to have the opinion of people who don't know me or my sister. I have to clarify a few things though I love my sister and she loves me. We are cordial with each other, we just haven't been as close as we used to be. Yes, she is my sister in Christ also. We were very close growing up. I miss fellowship with her. I guess I believe that if Idistance myself from her then the pain will go away. Yes, she has told me time and again that it had nothing to do with me personally, they just didn't want to have to uproot the kids from where they are, and the friends, as well as my brother in laws 2nd cousin all live in the same town as my sister. I live about 40 minutes north. I think whoever mentioned jealousy above and anger is spot on. The more I dwell, the more I let all of the jealousy, hurt, bitterness and anger overwhelm me. What a vicious cycle. One day I feel like I move on, then something will trigger or stir up, and I'm right back to square one, just where the enemy wants me to be. Kaycie from your post above I am so very sorry for all that you went through, makes my situation seem trivial. However, I know that my salvation is secure in Christ. Yes we are to forgive to be forgiven, but don't take it out of context. If I lost my salvation every time I didn't forgive someone right away, then what would have been the point of Jesus laying down His life for me and all of my sins past, present, and future. Anyways, thank you and I can't tell you how much this has helped. So thankful God lead me here. Blessings.
Click to expand...
opinions are gonna run the gamut on here from let go and let God to your sister is mean. Non of that matters. The important thing is that the pain you experienced is real so recognizing it and speaking truth to it every day is the key to forgiveness. Jesus said "blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted".
 
K

Karraster

Guest
#15
#15
Tams said:
I just want you all to know that I truly do appreciate your opinions. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It has deffinetly helped to have the opinion of people who don't know me or my sister. I have to clarify a few things though I love my sister and she loves me. We are cordial with each other, we just haven't been as close as we used to be. Yes, she is my sister in Christ also. We were very close growing up. I miss fellowship with her. I guess I believe that if Idistance myself from her then the pain will go away. Yes, she has told me time and again that it had nothing to do with me personally, they just didn't want to have to uproot the kids from where they are, and the friends, as well as my brother in laws 2nd cousin all live in the same town as my sister. I live about 40 minutes north. I think whoever mentioned jealousy above and anger is spot on. The more I dwell, the more I let all of the jealousy, hurt, bitterness and anger overwhelm me. What a vicious cycle. One day I feel like I move on, then something will trigger or stir up, and I'm right back to square one, just where the enemy wants me to be. Kaycie from your post above I am so very sorry for all that you went through, makes my situation seem trivial. However, I know that my salvation is secure in Christ. Yes we are to forgive to be forgiven, but don't take it out of context. If I lost my salvation every time I didn't forgive someone right away, then what would have been the point of Jesus laying down His life for me and all of my sins past, present, and future. Anyways, thank you and I can't tell you how much this has helped. So thankful God lead me here. Blessings.
Click to expand...
It's enlightening to reflect on one's life and see where our Maker was guiding and helping us, also we begin to see how the adversary tries to steal and kill, rob us of joy. Forgiveness is like anything else, with practice gets easier, and I think the point of Messiah's death too, is to empower us to be conquers like Him. Whenever I think of how brutal His suffering and death was, (and I have a vivid imagination), I can forgive...if He did all that so I can have victory, with His grace I shall, and won't let it be taken by that ol enemy. His blood is too precious for anything less. blessings~k
 
Jimbone

Jimbone

Senior Member
#16
Aug 22, 2014
2,724
832
113
44
#16
Kaycie said:
The hardest person I ever had to forgive kidnaped me, beat me, loaded a gun and put it to my head, raped me for years, imprisoned me in a dark basement for years, and kidnapped my child- whom he also beat. I used to imagine him burning in hell. But after imagining millions of years of him begging me to help him, and screaming out in pain, my heart started to soften. It's at that point I asked myself, "Are you seriously forgiving him?" and the answer was a hesitated yes. Right at that moment I felt so free. After that forgiving came faster and faster until I was able to forgive even while it was happening.

What could I possibly do to them anyways t could be worse than torturing them with fire and never letting them die to escape it, ever? All revenge belongs to God, and if we don't forgive then He won't forgive us. Now let me ask you, is the hurt you feel toward your sister so worth holding onto that it's worth not going to heaven to be with God? Nothing is worth that. What is the worst mankind can do to you? It is still not as bad as heaven will be good.

No matter how someone hurts us we must always forgive.
Click to expand...
WOW sister, what an absolutely perfect example and testament of His power in your life. I agree 100% and praise His name for the peace He's poured on your life after such horrible things. Thank you for sharing that and I pray that Tams can use this as helpful advice, it’s an awesome example of forgivness to apply to her problems with her sister IMO.
 
T

Tams

Guest
#17
#17
Thanks! I agree. I wish there was a like button on here!
 
T

Tams

Guest
#19
#19
Thanks. I have to address the fact that I didn't ever say that my sister was a bad sister. I love her dearly. I guess I just wanted to come on here for support and be told some truths from other Christians, even if it is not easy to hear, and a little harsh, I need to hear it because that is why I am here. I don't need sympathy.
 
T

Tams

Guest
#20
#20
Thanks I was on my phone earlier and didn't see one. Now I do. Great!
 
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