Teenage sex

[emotional77]

My barely 16 year old daughter recently told me she was having sex with her boyfriend of a month (started when she was 15). I am devastated and heart broken. I told her that I loved her and that it was wrong but could be forgiven. We tightened her curfews and put very restrictive rules on when and where she can see her boyfriend. She shows no remorse and actually wants to go on birth control. I am so embarrassed because I thought we were doing things right as parents. We've always been open and honest with her, she know our rules and expectations and we've talked to her lots about sex, morality and modesty. I completely trusted her and never would have thought she would be a statistic. I'm beating myself up over this. What could I have done differently? I dont know how to even look at her without crying. How do I change things for my other children and how we are raising them? And do we put her on birth control?

 

[babe]

i don't think this is your fault. as a teenager my self into days society I know what its like to be your daughter. though I am still a virgin and intend of staying that way I can understand what happened to your daughter. what she did had nothing to do with you and how you've raised her. I'm sure your a great parent and I can see that you lover her very much but she made a choice and that choice could have been based on a great number of things. if I was in your daughters situation I would want to be able to talk to my mom about things like that. right now your daughter probably needs to now more than ever. ill be praying for you and don't be afraid to tell your daughter how you really feel about what she's done.

 

[notuptome]

The more serious issue is her Spiritual condition. Yielding to the passions of the flesh is troubling evidence of a lack of Spiritual desire to please the Lord.

If your daughter has a testimony of receiving Christ as her Savior then she breaking fellowship with the Lord and subjecting herself to chastening from the Lord. Sin always has consequences. For the unsaved person it is eternal condemnation but for the believer it is suffering in the flesh and loss of rewards in heaven.

I will say that evil company corrupts good morals. What of the boys parents? Do you and they realize that there is no consent if they are underage? The boy could be arrested as a sex offender.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Olerica]

I agree, this isn't about your parenting. Keep praying, sister. All is not lost.

You asked if birth control should be prescribed for her. Have you had a conversation with her about safe sex? I think you should be clear (and probably have been clear) about your position on sex, but I wonder about the wisdom of not using some sort of birth control. A baby out of this relationship compounds things exponentially... but that's not the only consequence of casual sex or pre-marital sex. Young people rarely think about the greater consequences (let alone the spiritual ones) because their hormones are raging.

I am not a parent, I can't really imagine how difficult this is for you. God is so good though, and he does have a plan.

 

[Nautilus]

The more serious issue is her Spiritual condition. Yielding to the passions of the flesh is troubling evidence of a lack of Spiritual desire to please the Lord.

If your daughter has a testimony of receiving Christ as her Savior then she breaking fellowship with the Lord and subjecting herself to chastening from the Lord. Sin always has consequences. For the unsaved person it is eternal condemnation but for the believer it is suffering in the flesh and loss of rewards in heaven.

I will say that evil company corrupts good morals. What of the boys parents? Do you and they realize that there is no consent if they are underage? The boy could be arrested as a sex offender.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

The boy can not be arrested for sex with someone under age unless he is over 18 and even then in some states that doesn't apply because of grandfather laws or age of consent statutes.

 

[presidente]

I've got a lot of girls myself, but they haven't hit their tweens, so your post really hits home with me. I don't know if your doing something differently would have made things turn out differently. With my kids, I'm telling them not to date until they are old enough to get married, or just a short period of time from being able to marry. I don't plan on letting the girls go around one-on-one with boys or have my son date like that either. But I also realize that way back when, women married at 16, and biologically, it kind of makes sense for those who have reached their full height, etc. at that time. The body is in peak fertility years in the late teens and early 20's.

I wouldn't put my child on birth control. As far as pills go, they don't protect against disease, and they can actually stop a baby from implanting, so my wife and I have never used them. But I wouldn't want to do anything to encourage fornication.

Does she consider herself a Christian? If I were in your situation, in my talks with her, I'd be talking about her relationship with God.

Another thing to consider is whether this young man is the type of guy who'd be suitable-- down the road-- as a potential spouse. If he were a Christian who'd fallen into sin with your daughter and repented, neither of them slept with anyone else, and he'd be a decent husband, I'd be thinking as a parent in the Old Testament about this. The man who took a girls virginity was obligated to marry her unless she was betrothed, in which case they were to be put to death (if there were two or three witnesses.) It would help keep the young folks from violating the 'one flesh' principle even if they did fornicate.

As a dad, if a young man were doing that to my daughter, we'd be having some words about it. If he wanted to persist, I might mention the statutory rape issue. And my daughter wouldn't be leaving the house without myself, my wife, or someone we trusted. I might consider home school, moving, etc.

 

[gypsygirl]

if a girl WANTS to go on birth control, she is telling you that she is planning or open to the potential for sex in the future. i would be loath to ignore that, because as another said, an unwanted pregnancy would only complicate further this situation.

that said, you can make birth control available to her while still having discussions about the consequence of sex and the fact that hormonal birth control is only partially preventative--certainly not of disease, and that she is still quite vulnerable to lifelong consequence of STDs, not to mention the potential for emotional consequence of sexual relationships. if she was my daughter, i'd not be above doing a little of the "scared straight" technique of showing her exactly what she might be facing by giving her some sobering facts of the consequence of unprotected sex. kids are notoriously capable of believing nothing bad can/will happen to them and they need to understand more than what they are often told.

note: if she chooses to go on birth control, i'd be making sure that she is taking it as directed, as often, hormonal birth control can actually make her MORE fertile if she's haphazardly taking it (or abruptly goes off it). she needs monitoring, facts, and oversight.

we don't know enough about your situation or what is happening to comment on "what you might have done wrong" but perhaps this can be an opportunity for you to take a close look at your family dynamics and how vulnerable she is to peer pressure and influences outside your home. girls who are lacking close relationships with their parents and with solid self esteems are far more vulnerable to peer pressure and overt influence. girls who are eager for validation and attention are extremely vulnerable to the influence and attention from those who are there to supply it, thus developing highly influential positions of power in her life.

what kind of positive things are going on in her life? is she involved in a church youth group? do you guys spend time together or is she off updating her facebook and talking to her friends in the evening? i'd be making my best effort to utilize the opportunities i had by meeting those emotional needs and building her character and resolve.

does she have future plans? maybe this is provides an opportunity to think to what she is looking forward to, and diverting her energy into productive activities that will pave the way for her future, such as volunteering in an apprentice capacity for what she is planning to do, vocationally?

at the end of the day, you probably can't safeguard your daughter against everything. but maybe this will also provide you an opportunity to re-evaluate your approach and how you do things as a family for the rest of your kids as well.

 

[Sirk]

Being more restrictive won't help. Might even make it worse. I would try to understand her need to have sex or what is the appeal for her to do it. She is trying to solve a problem by having sex. When kids make bad choices the bottom line is that it is their childish attempt to solve a problem.

My friend can't pick me up from school so I'm gonna take the car in the garage without permission type of thing.

I think you need to be wise and get to the bottom of what the real issue is....what problem is your child attempting to solve by having sex with her boyfriend. Furthermore, does she ultimately understand the gravity of the bigger problem that it could cause?

 

[mystikmind]

My parenting instinct tells me it is important not to shame or guilt teenagers with regard to sex, use positive reinforcement and be loving and supportive, even when they choose poorly. I would expect by that age, they should know all the implications already, if not, then there has been something lacking from the parenting side of things.