I am SO unhappy with our 13 year marriage. Its been all about him. We've 2 beautiful daughters 7 & 9 and it breaks my heart they see how unhappy we are.
I'm a stay at home mum due to longterm health condition.I battle with fatigue stress etc on s daily basis. I had yo leave a very good job as a result a decision we both came to.
I feel undervalued, unloved and a burden. I get nosupport from him-he pays bills and mortgage but anything else I provide with my meager support income.
He constantly complains about being under pressure and stressed so I don't add my worries and frustrations to his.
Because of the way hes treated me and conyinuies to I feel no warmness towards him. Ive given up everything fir my family but I'm not made to feel part of it. I appear tobe living his dream and mine shoved aside.
Sorry for the rant but I'm in a bad place!
Hello Sandstone,
Your tale is unfortunately all too common this day and age. But there is hope and that is the greatest of all gifts of the Lord. Now I have some questions and few ideas, some you will like and some you won't, however I ask that you put your full effort into them.
Ok, you say that your husband makes a good living. Does he make enough to pay all the bills and still have some left over each payday or each month? As many of your troubles seem to be money related this is a cornerstone to rebuild upon. Like most people, my wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs over the finances. Then I found Crown Financial. I did not join them personally but I did read their material and put it into action.
First is to list every single bill the household has for the entire month complete with due dates and any grace periods. Next take out a pad of paper and divide it into his pay periods. If weekly then 4 boxes to twice a month then 2 and if monthly then just make a list. Hopefully its not the last because that can feel very depressing.
I personally get paid weekly. So I use the 4 box set up. Ok, each week you will have certain expenses that need to be paid. thing like food and fuel for the cars. So take those expenses and place them in each box. On a separate piece of paper have his weekly income and for each expense deduct that from the total. i.e. - if he has a take home of $700 and your weekly food and fuel cost is $150 you would have a total of $550 left for other bills. From there you group bills by due date and assign them to their respective weeks. Use the grace periods to shuffle some to a different week if any one week becomes over burdened.
Once you can show that his income is enough to pay all the bills and still have some left over, remembering to add tithe, date night (which I am guessing you don't have) and even a small amount to go into savings, present this to your husband.before doing that make several copies as he is likely to throw a fit and tear it up especially when he doesn't see your income, however great or small, added in. When he brings this up, and he will, tell him you wanted his help to decide where your income, if any, can be of the most good. This will show that you value his input, though he will likely not show it at first.
One thing I would suggest is taking over the actual paying of the bills. Its hard for men to see all our hard work going to someone else and feeling that we have nothing to show for it. If he raises the point that you are relying of him to pay all the bills, during a calm moment, point out that God set your role as helper and not the primary provider. He can complain all he wants but even an armchair believer knows that passage.
Ok so far this has focused on getting the money issues in order. Next comes the hard part. How much cheerleading do you do for your husband? I will tell you with all honestly that men will go where we feel appreciated. Many men that are workaholics are so because we get the recognition we so greatly desire from our work. Many men that feel a lack will go somewhere else to find what they see is missing. Be it work, the bar, or to another woman. I am not saying its right just that its reality. I do not know what your doing so far so some of these might be something your doing already.
First, try to be up before him. Use this time to pray over him before work and to maybe put on a pot of coffee or some kind act. Next, find a way to slip an encouraging note in his pocket or briefcase or lunch. This will show that you value him and think about him when he is gone and not just calling down curses on him. When he gets home, fix yourself up a little. First off this will make you feel better but no one wants to come home to a spouse that looks like they have been dragged through the house. Have dinner ready or near ready when he get home.
Now I would bet dollars to donuts your looking at this and saying this is all on me. Your right it is. You can only work on you, trying to actively change him doesn't work. Never has and never will. Many people operate under the misconception that a marriage is a 50-50 partnership. WRONG!!! Its a 100%-100%, you need to put all of you into what ever you do. Be it your marriage, your kids, your faith or your work. Your husband needs to do the same but again you can only work on you.
I am not going to lie to you. Sometimes people do this and the other takes it for granted and makes no or very little change. This is where living your faith comes in so importantly. If you serve your husband as you serve God, as a bride, things will change. Maybe not overnight, ok, definitely not overnight, but then your change will not be done in a single night either. Like sanctification its a process to change your marriage.
Like I said in the beginning, some you will like and some you won't. Everything I have laid out here my wife and I have done. This principles are also taught by men such as Dr. Dobson and Dennis Rainey and the testimonies they have received speaks to the effectiveness of my counsel. My wife and I do not fight over money issues anymore and have not for 7 years now. In truth we don't fight much at all. We talk, we listen and we value each other and support each other in our personal and joint struggles. Sure every now and then one or the other will need to vent and loudly, but we always come back to the place where we started and lock arms once again.
I hope you take this advice seriously and give it your full effort. Wait on the Lord for the increase and trust in Him that you do not serve in vain. Keep praying and serving and loving.
In Christ,
Bishop SEh
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