What do I do?

[sole]

I have been praying and believing for a miracle for a long time now, but nothing has changed. My will to go on has diminished and I feel exhausted. My husband is a wonderful person, but not a great husband. I love him with all my heart and don't want to be without him, but our marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no "dates", no time together, NOTHING! He says nothing is wrong, but I know there must be. I know he is not a real emotional person, AKA romantic, attentive, compassionate, etc., but he sure did do a good job for the four years we dated. I am a believer that marriage doesn't mean you stop showing one another how much you love them and desire to be with them. We have been married for 18 years with two children, a boy 15 and a girl 12, and we literally spend every waking moment with our children if they aren't at school. All the friends stay at our house on weekends, as i prefer it, and love it, but we have no relationship time. I have talked to my husband in a very loving and concerning way at least 2,000 times about how lonely I feel and how I am worried about our future, but nothing really changes. I know to give good advice you probably need about a 20 page explanation of our lives, but the bottom line is I am a married widow and I am very sad and lonely. I desire to deeply to have a bond with my husband and unfortunately I have pulled away from him in order to protect myself. I can't keep having false hope and expectations only to be let down and hurt over and over and over and over again. At this point I don't really have any expectations and my fear is that before long I really won't care and I don't want to get to that point. WHAT DO I DO? Am I to just maintain a lonely life and keep going? I am afraid once our children are out of the house we won't even know each other and certainly have no relationship to enjoy together.

Sad and worried,
Sole

 

[PrincessoftheKing]

I am 18 and not married so I cant really give you any advice. All I can say is God has performed miracles since the beginning of time. You are not alone. When I feel like no one's there, I turn to Him. Listen to uplifting music. Read His word. Nothing is impossible with God. Like I said, Im not married and dont have any marital advice. But I will add you to my prayer list, Sole. Dont give up hope! ♥

 

[CallieJo]

I'm in the same kind of marriage. I love my husband too and he has a great heart but he's not the emotional type either. He knows one emothion very well and that's anger. I've only been married almost 6 years and I'm so tired, I can't even imagine how you feel. We have 2 daughters of our own. They are 3 and 21 months. He also has 2 other daughters from his previous 2 marriages and they are 15 and 8. They are here every other weekend and I love them with all my heart. It makes it really hard to do anything about my situation. I've talked to my husband about things too and things get better for a little while and then back to the same ol same ol. i'm really frustrated with everything. Our relationship with God is not where it should be and I know that is some of the problem. My husbnd got saved just before we got married. He is an alcoholic and has not had a license for about 12 years now and up to the point we started going together he was driving without a license and insurance. It's been a long road. I have taken him to work and picked him up when he works. Which is another issue. He only worked about 2 1/2 months out of the 2010 which makes it hard on the finances and the marriage. I know he feels bad about not providing for his family but there is just no construction work right now. I just want to call it quits sometimes but then I remember the good stuff......It gets me through the bad times but lately it's almost not enough. I will definately be praying for you and if you wouldn't mind just keeping me in your prayers too.

 

[Lucy68]

I have been praying and believing for a miracle for a long time now, but nothing has changed. My will to go on has diminished and I feel exhausted. My husband is a wonderful person, but not a great husband. I love him with all my heart and don't want to be without him, but our marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no "dates", no time together, NOTHING! He says nothing is wrong, but I know there must be. I know he is not a real emotional person, AKA romantic, attentive, compassionate, etc., but he sure did do a good job for the four years we dated. I am a believer that marriage doesn't mean you stop showing one another how much you love them and desire to be with them. We have been married for 18 years with two children, a boy 15 and a girl 12, and we literally spend every waking moment with our children if they aren't at school. All the friends stay at our house on weekends, as i prefer it, and love it, but we have no relationship time. I have talked to my husband in a very loving and concerning way at least 2,000 times about how lonely I feel and how I am worried about our future, but nothing really changes. I know to give good advice you probably need about a 20 page explanation of our lives, but the bottom line is I am a married widow and I am very sad and lonely. I desire to deeply to have a bond with my husband and unfortunately I have pulled away from him in order to protect myself. I can't keep having false hope and expectations only to be let down and hurt over and over and over and over again. At this point I don't really have any expectations and my fear is that before long I really won't care and I don't want to get to that point. WHAT DO I DO? Am I to just maintain a lonely life and keep going? I am afraid once our children are out of the house we won't even know each other and certainly have no relationship to enjoy together.

Sad and worried,
Sole

It's good that you are aware of this and desire to do something about it. I've been married 26 years. From my own personal experience, I've concluded a few things about men. This is a generalization of course and not all men fall into it, I'm sure. I think most guys want to relate to people on just a surface level. My husband DOES NOT want to discuss 'feelings' , etc. But he's still a very loving husband and very considerate of me. Our communication level, though, is mostly just on the surface. It's just the way he is wired.

I have learned that a close relationship with one or two other women helps me a lot! We connect on a level that my husband and I do not. Is this normal? I kind of think it is.


There's a good book called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" (I think that's the name). It helped me get a better perspective on how men think.

Only you know what's best for your situation but I think you need to plan activities for you and your husband and nicely but strongly insist that he participate. Just going out to dinner together is something. Think ahead of topics of conversation and pursue them. He might not want to talk about 'deep' things but as you talk about just details of your lives, other issues will crop up. I've seen older couples in restaurants who do not talk to each other at all. They just sit there waiting for their dinner. How sad!! It seems kind of silly to prepare for a conversation with your husband but if that's what it takes, I'll do it!

Anyway, don't give up!! Be proactive!! You may be the one with the stronger personality and be better equipped to get your relationship out of the doldrums. I'll be praying for you, sister. (Please pray for me as well!)

Also, watch out for devil attacks that will make you resentful. Don't let your eyes stray to other men, and wonder about them. Right now, you are very susceptible to these attacks. I know because I've been there. Sin was crouching at my door. I thank God that He made me aware of it and I turned around.

 

[sensitive]

Sole I have been married for coming up on 33 years. It is the way men are biologically wired. They don't want to discuss their "feeling", will look at you like you lost your mind if you ask the question, "What are you feeling?" Men aren't made the way women are and thank God for that.

Here is what I have learned. You just like I did at one point and time are trying to get your husband to take the place of God. There is only one person I know of that can fulfill your every intimate need and that is Jesus Christ, God and the Holy Spirit. When we try to make our husbands fit that role we are in real trouble in our marriage. Your husband can NOT and will NOT be everything for you.

I learned that when I depend on God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit for the things I need I am able to realise what a truly wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have him.

No man is going to meet those needs for you because only God can. Women make the mistake of looking to their life time partners to fulfill those needs and it just isn't going to happen. You can divorce him and re marry only to find out the same thing.

 

[sensitive]

I also wanted to add that we go out to dinner and my husband can sit for an entire meal, an entire hour and not have one word to say because he is a silent man, not given to much talking. So if I NEED someone to talk to, there again God is your answer. My husband is the strong silent type.

Don't get me wrong, my husband talks to me, but not in the way that we women seem to crave and have a need for. We also go out to movies, the $2.00 cinema because that is all we can afford in this horrible economy. But my needs, my emotional needs are fulfilled by God, not man.

Do NOT pull away from your husband because Jesus commands us to LOVE one another and if you can't even love your own husband how can you obey God?

 

[candyandcake]

Just hold on tight. I have had the most horrible marrige for 10 years and Finally this passed year I accepted Jesus as my husband and really grasped that. HE was what I needed and HE fills me. I long for Jesus and I know HE is with me and will be soon. He is your true love. I long for His face. I have really taken my focus off my husband who is an alcholic and we had a very very abusive relationship physically and verbally but the Lord is working and its all in His time. I looked for other men but with prayer the Lord closed those doors. I cant be certain why we have to have bad marraiges if He wants us to draw as close and depend on His love alone or if this is our cross to bury. Just offer it as a sacrifice. Sometimes I think those who have great marraiges wouldnt depend upon the Lord as much as us who are lonely in the marriage. I felt lonely for years and depressed but now that I really grasped JESUS as my husband I am quite content. Just imagine Him holding you all the time

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

Well, what about your reaching out when you have need of it. What about just sitting beside him on the couch and taking his hand? Would he yank his hand away? Would he be comfortable with you lounging against him. Don't talk... don't interrupt his football game or TV show. But on an ad, ask if you can get him a soda or something. Make you both some popcorn and cuddle...

It's just not his strong suit to do these things, and when we made the vow for better or for worse, we can't quit just because they aren't romantic.... (believe me, I'm there, too in some ways)

Now, I'm not talking about abuse or adultery... those are other issues entirely... but everything else, we've committed to God and them (and our children) that we will make the long haul.

Previous posts suggest a few female friends, and I second that very strongly... Also, be sure your relationship with God is close knit and secure,... for it's possible for us to have times when God slips out if His role in our lives and we try to get that intimacy with God from our husbands instead. I've been there, too, and it doesn't work as your husband isn't your God... you gotta have time with Him and get all of your needs met by Him.

Beyond that, do at least and occasional date night, even if it's staying in if he prefers that and sending the kids away for the night.... Next, make sure you two are praying together. Daily is best, but at least once in a while helps. You two can get so much closer to each other when you draw closer to God and see that each other has a heart after God.

Hope you can grab your boot straps and haul yourself back up, cuz you know that "I felt lonely" isn't an acceptable reason (biblically) for divorce. Not saying that harshly, cuz I have been there too.

Feel free to find me sometime and chat. We DID sink so low as to deal with physical violence and the start down the path toward adultery.... so, I don't mind talking and praying for you.

 

[HornetFlight]

Hi,

I don't know your situation but it helps to talk, even if it is to strangers on the internet. Men do think differently; I know after conversations with my wife how differently we think. It takes a lot of communication...and that's hard because men hate to talk.

 

[Jilly81]

I would like to add that thinking of Jesus as your husband is also important for the unmarried ladies if they are going to cope with their emotions and avoid lonely feelings.

 

[sole]

It's good that you are aware of this and desire to do something about it. I've been married 26 years. From my own personal experience, I've concluded a few things about men. This is a generalization of course and not all men fall into it, I'm sure. I think most guys want to relate to people on just a surface level. My husband DOES NOT want to discuss 'feelings' , etc. But he's still a very loving husband and very considerate of me. Our communication level, though, is mostly just on the surface. It's just the way he is wired.

I have learned that a close relationship with one or two other women helps me a lot! We connect on a level that my husband and I do not. Is this normal? I kind of think it is.


There's a good book called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" (I think that's the name). It helped me get a better perspective on how men think.

Only you know what's best for your situation but I think you need to plan activities for you and your husband and nicely but strongly insist that he participate. Just going out to dinner together is something. Think ahead of topics of conversation and pursue them. He might not want to talk about 'deep' things but as you talk about just details of your lives, other issues will crop up. I've seen older couples in restaurants who do not talk to each other at all. They just sit there waiting for their dinner. How sad!! It seems kind of silly to prepare for a conversation with your husband but if that's what it takes, I'll do it!

Anyway, don't give up!! Be proactive!! You may be the one with the stronger personality and be better equipped to get your relationship out of the doldrums. I'll be praying for you, sister. (Please pray for me as well!)

Also, watch out for devil attacks that will make you resentful. Don't let your eyes stray to other men, and wonder about them. Right now, you are very susceptible to these attacks. I know because I've been there. Sin was crouching at my door. I thank God that He made me aware of it and I turned around.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my situation. It really helps to communicate with other believers. I know you are right about everything you said....sometimes we just need reminding! THANKS!

 

[sole]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You must be awfully busy with your children and the fact that I am getting kind words from people like you blesses me beyond words. Thank you again!

 

[sole]

Just hold on tight. I have had the most horrible marrige for 10 years and Finally this passed year I accepted Jesus as my husband and really grasped that. HE was what I needed and HE fills me. I long for Jesus and I know HE is with me and will be soon. He is your true love. I long for His face. I have really taken my focus off my husband who is an alcholic and we had a very very abusive relationship physically and verbally but the Lord is working and its all in His time. I looked for other men but with prayer the Lord closed those doors. I cant be certain why we have to have bad marraiges if He wants us to draw as close and depend on His love alone or if this is our cross to bury. Just offer it as a sacrifice. Sometimes I think those who have great marraiges wouldnt depend upon the Lord as much as us who are lonely in the marriage. I felt lonely for years and depressed but now that I really grasped JESUS as my husband I am quite content. Just imagine Him holding you all the time

I

I know you are right. I hate to sound "unchristian" like, but even though I know in my heart that Jesus is my true love and can and will fulfill all my needs, I guess I just am a really affectionate person and I need the same in return on a consistent basis, not just on special occasions or when the mood hits him. I have zero interest in other men and have vowed that if anything did happen between my husband and I to never marry again (unless there is divine intervention of course), but I have no desire to seek anyone else. I just want my husband to be the man I married and "love" me again. He tells me constantly how much he loves me, but still ignores my needs. To me that's not true love. I suppose I just really need to understand his definition of true love, which i have been trying to do for 21 years now! Anyway, thanks for the help and prayers!

 

[sole]

I'm in the same kind of marriage. I love my husband too and he has a great heart but he's not the emotional type either. He knows one emothion very well and that's anger. I've only been married almost 6 years and I'm so tired, I can't even imagine how you feel. We have 2 daughters of our own. They are 3 and 21 months. He also has 2 other daughters from his previous 2 marriages and they are 15 and 8. They are here every other weekend and I love them with all my heart. It makes it really hard to do anything about my situation. I've talked to my husband about things too and things get better for a little while and then back to the same ol same ol. i'm really frustrated with everything. Our relationship with God is not where it should be and I know that is some of the problem. My husbnd got saved just before we got married. He is an alcoholic and has not had a license for about 12 years now and up to the point we started going together he was driving without a license and insurance. It's been a long road. I have taken him to work and picked him up when he works. Which is another issue. He only worked about 2 1/2 months out of the 2010 which makes it hard on the finances and the marriage. I know he feels bad about not providing for his family but there is just no construction work right now. I just want to call it quits sometimes but then I remember the good stuff......It gets me through the bad times but lately it's almost not enough. I will definately be praying for you and if you wouldn't mind just keeping me in your prayers too.

I feel so silly complaining about my situation when I hear yours. I am so very sorry for the battles you must face every day. You hang in there and try to do what everyone is telling me to do, and what in my heart i know is the right thing to do, and just focus on God and look to him to either take away your desires for some of the things that you want or fulfill them for you. I don't have any magic answers. If I did, i wouldn't feel the way I do. Let's both just keeping praying for one another and for our husbands and walk in faith that it will be better. It is so hard to make it through many days and I imagine you feel the same way sometimes, but I am very hopeful that things will change for both of us really soon. In Love and Prayer!

 

[sole]

I am 18 and not married so I cant really give you any advice. All I can say is God has performed miracles since the beginning of time. You are not alone. When I feel like no one's there, I turn to Him. Listen to uplifting music. Read His word. Nothing is impossible with God. Like I said, Im not married and dont have any marital advice. But I will add you to my prayer list, Sole. Dont give up hope! ♥

How sweet of you to respond. Let me first say that you have a chance that many of us don't at this point in our lives. You be very, very, very picky when choosing your husband one day. The very most important thing in choosing a husband is definitely that he is a Christian. Don't even consider dating someone who isn't. It is amazing how complicated life can become when you entered into a lifelong commitment with someone who doesn't live for Christ.

I do agree with your suggestion about the uplifting music. I love to listen to Christian music and it does most definitely help. Thank you for adding me to your prayer list and I will be praying for you as well. Remember, let God show you who you will marry, don't go looking for him. In Love and Prayers!

 

[YoYoMimi]

Good Afternoon Sole, I hope you are having a great day? It's sunny where I live today and the Daffodils are starting to bloom down our front drive. Sunshine and Flowers always make me smile!
I'm late to your post and I just joined this group. But I'd like to throw in my 2 cents to see if it may help?
I have been married to a wonderful husband and father for what will be 26 years come Feb. And I love him with all my heart to this moment! But like most men he isn't much for talking about "feelings" either.
I look at my life like a "bulls eye" target. If you can picture this you will understand what I mean?
The center circle the "bulls eye" Is my Lord and the relationship we have. The next circle is my marriage to my husband and our love for one another.
The next circle is our Children and my relationship and love with them.
The next circle is now Grandchildren and my love for them
The next is my Daughter In laws
The next is our extended families- Parents,Brothers,Sisters,Nieces, Nephews,
All the other circles are what I do outside those center parts of my life.
I believe when I follow in the correct order of things it all falls together how it should. Putting God in the center of my life is why I can even have or function in the rest of my life! So pray sweetie and the Lord will help you through this hard spot of your life. And as someone else already said, "Watch out for the Devil and his tricks" He loves to trick and kick you when your down!
Marriage is a ongoing struggle and learning thing. In my opinion! I am in a place where we are past all the star gazed eyes ect. But we have something better to me. We are safe and comfy just being together. Its a place you can only reach after years of tears,struggles,success,joy all the stuff life brings. But we have met them head on together.
We have our struggles to this day and always will! My hubby is sick and refuses to see a Dr. and we've been fussing about that for 12 years now and I've had no luck. But I won't be giving up either. LOL
So hang in there while your road has pot holes. Because you will reach the smooth part again soon.

 

[ABeliever]

Hi just looking at mainly the first post... I think maybe that a third party might be able to help like a marriage counsellor...

 

[NewME19]

Thats understandble, this world is not an easy one to live in, and satan defenitly doesn,t help. He wants you to feel distressed like do. We all have our promblems ( not to put yours down ) but the common ground that we share is that we are no alone, we have jehovah god. He is our father, our protector, or everything. James 4:8 says he wants us to draw close to him, and he'll do the same when we do. I dont have alot of experiance in life yet, im only 18 but one thing i can say is, whenever, and how big the promblem is Jehovah wants you to share it with him, and he wants to get rid of any problem you have. Stay strong and pray, read the bible, and chat wiht christians like you. Dont let the devil bring you down because i love you, and god loves you more, God bless you!

 

[ONE_LORD]

I say a way to grow closer is this: take time each day to pray fiirst as a husband and wife and then with the kids.. Also, set aside a block of time for family Bible devotion. As you do this God will open the floodgates of love towards and through both of you!. You must make God the center of your whole life in order for your marriage to be blessed beyond measure!! You see you are right kids will move out and start families of their own but Jesus : same yesterday, today, and forever.. So be lifted up in Jesus Name and by faith your marriage will be lifted up through your obedience to God and HIS will !!!!!!!!

 

[DanuckInUSA]

Sole go get the book "Created to be his help meet" By Debbie Pearl. This book saved my marriage.