When to disclose your past in dating?

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Called4Christ

Guest
#1
#1
Hi everyone,
Some of you know that my story includes Christ freeing me from homosexuality and a pagan history. While God has not yet given me a physical attraction to men, I know that physical attraction isn't the only piece of the puzzle when it comes to love and dating.

Recently, I've been out walking with a brother in Christ over the past two weeks. The other night we decided that we would consider those outing as dates. Spiritually speaking, I find him to be inspirational and I believe he would be a good match for me emotionally and spiritually.

However, I don't find him physically attractive.

Further, I'm not sure at what point I should tell him about my sinful past. Because not only did I struggle with the temptation of homosexuality; four years ago I engaged in sinful behavior in the form of a physical "relationship" with a woman. (Believe me, this brings me a great amount of shame when I admit that "out loud"). I can't give him reassurances that I find him physically attractive, because I don't. I find him attractive in other ways.

Regardless....

I know I'll need to tell him eventually, but how do you know when is the right time?
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#2
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#2
Why don't you ask him if he particularly wants to know your past, or even cares?
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#4
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#4
I think the right time would be when the two of you decide that you have an "exclusive" (i.e. monogamous) relationship.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#5
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#5
If I dated someone awhile and got serious about her, I'd be pretty ticked-off to learn she wasn't even attracted to me, or men in general.. I'd consider her a waste of time and would be a tad upset that she wasn't upfront with me from the start. If your just remaining casual friends, its probably none of his business, but I think he has a right to know if a more serious relationship develops... jmo
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Waiting until he's emotionally connected to you enough that he's ready to enter a serious relationship with him to tell him something that may affect how he feels about you seems a tad dishonest.
Also why wait until you're more emotionally invested to tell him something that may change his mind, thereby hurting you more as well.
The last woman I dated is upfront about her past and present issues with men she's interested in. That way a guy knows what he's getting into before. I thought this was a great approach. No games. No deception. No silly rules. No manipulation. Just honesty.
 
Roughsoul1991

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
#7
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
4,453
113
#7
Honesty is always the best way to go and sooner the better. Be honest and speak about your past to him help him understand you still struggle with same sex attraction. But only spend a small time giving your past all the attention and then repoint the conversation to your salvation and hope in Jesus Christ. Do not be ashamed to say I need help with my struggles. Trust me we all have temptations we struggle with. Explain to him you really like being around him but still struggle with same sex attraction. This will show him where you stand at in yall's relationship. Physical appearance will change in everyone but their personality and spirituality will hopefully only get stronger. I am not seeing this will be easy because I have no idea how he will react. Just be honest and yourself. Pray for God to help you and to guide you down the narrow path that leads to Heaven.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#8
#8
After 25 years together, if we ever discussed our pasts, we forgot it all by now.......

After this long together, you need to keep the conversations fresh......Hey new topics for conversations...Just kidding, but my point is...after a while you won't remember much of their past (that doesn't include you) anyways.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#9
#9
Called4Christ said:
Hi everyone,
Some of you know that my story includes Christ freeing me from homosexuality and a pagan history. While God has not yet given me a physical attraction to men, I know that physical attraction isn't the only piece of the puzzle when it comes to love and dating.

Recently, I've been out walking with a brother in Christ over the past two weeks. The other night we decided that we would consider those outing as dates. Spiritually speaking, I find him to be inspirational and I believe he would be a good match for me emotionally and spiritually.

However, I don't find him physically attractive.

Further, I'm not sure at what point I should tell him about my sinful past. Because not only did I struggle with the temptation of homosexuality; four years ago I engaged in sinful behavior in the form of a physical "relationship" with a woman. (Believe me, this brings me a great amount of shame when I admit that "out loud"). I can't give him reassurances that I find him physically attractive, because I don't. I find him attractive in other ways.

Regardless....

I know I'll need to tell him eventually, but how do you know when is the right time?
Click to expand...
My husband and I were friends before we dated. Kind of like what you're doing. There would be no marriage if we never truly dated. But after that first official date, we spent three hours in the car in front of my apartment. Two hours of him telling me two important things:
1. He wasn't out to casually date. He was the kind of man who needed a wife and he was looking.
2. His entire life story, including the part most say you're not supposed to tell on your first date -- he was married before, had tow kids, and how it ended.

The next hour was me telling my entire life story including the thing I wasn't supposed to tell on a first date -- I was gang raped.

It had been a real official date -- dinner out, a movie, and a few games of air hockey after the movie. It ended with a kiss at my door steps. Real official date. I bet you know the difference between that and being friends like now.

I'm glad he told me everything and I told him everything on that date. Some was quite shocking, (his daughter is 11 years younger than I am and his BIL was my seventh grade science teacher that same year), but we both knew the other was honest. For the first time in my life, I fell in love.

I still am. I can't imagine falling in love and then finding out he was married and had kids. I can't imagine him falling in love with me and then backing away after he found out I was raped. I don't know how to survive that kind of heartache, which is why we both told immediately.

We were married seven months later. Today is our 36th anniversary.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#10
#10
NewWine said:
After 25 years together, if we ever discussed our pasts, we forgot it all by now.......

After this long together, you need to keep the conversations fresh......Hey new topics for conversations...Just kidding, but my point is...after a while you won't remember much of their past (that doesn't include you) anyways.
Click to expand...
We repeat stories now. So, if he talks about the first girl he ever kissed, I can usually tell her name. I think I know five names, not counting his ex. And he met two out of three of my ex-boyfriends. (Hey, we ran into them.) I can't remember the third one's name, so he doesn't know it either. lol
 
C

Called4Christ

Guest
#11
#11
Thank you all for sharing your counsel, advice, and personal stories. I have appreciated everything that has been shared and said here and I've been mulling over a response. There seems to be a lingering doubt that I would like to clarify; I'm no longer attracted to women, it is a burden that God Himself has lifted from my heart by His grace and overwhelming mercy.

You all are quite right in that I need to be up front and honest with him, but I've been wondering if perhaps I'd develop a physical attraction to him after feeling emotionally connected. In your wisdom, however, you all have reminded me that it would be unfair to allow him to become emotionally invested when I'm not sure if I can...

I think it boils down to my own, selfish fears. Fears that I'm scaring him off before he gets a chance to know me and consider if I'm worth it, fears that God may have granted me this opportunity for companionship and I'm about to "ruin it". However, when I focus on my fears, I'm not focusing on how this might affect him, my brother in Christ.

I think, after reading your responses, that the best thing to do would be to up front before he has a chance to develop feelings, before his heart has settled on the idea of a chance between us. Thank you all again for your advice, counsel and love. I appreciate you guys here at CC more than you know.
 
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