When you cant Find Peace in Family Discord

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K

kaylagrl

Guest
#21
#21
kaylagrl said:
Quote "you did?? :eek: i mean, i believe you, i'm just really impressed!"

Well I'll admit that I dont always stay calm.There are only so many times you can explain the same thing without losing patience.

Quote "in my experience all families are a hot mess in one way or another. i'm sorry this is happening.
i'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more to this than you can explain here, too.
you're not an awful person, either. :)"

Yes,there is a lot more,many layers in fact. And thanks for the vote of confidence.lol I just feel like we're ruining our Christian testimony when we cant even get along with each other. It really bothers me.


Quote "i know it's hard when people won't accept the guy you think is so terrific you married him.my husband and i went through some similar things in the early years (years 1-19. how's that for encouragement? lol!)"

19yrs! oh boy. You know my sisters husband had been divorced twice,to the same woman,and had a child out of wedlock and I accepted him into the family like a brother.That is why I cant understand why they wont accept my husband. I think its because he is a part of me. They'd like him except for that.


Quote "honestly, i think your way to peace here is to accept you're not going to get the kind of peace you want right now"

I think Im slowly coming to that realization. :(


Quote "unless you wanna reconsider the whole choke-hold scenario? :rolleyes:"

Dont temp me! Ive been training my 7 month German Shepard,I now have the strength to do it! rofl!
Click to expand...

That should have been "dont tempt me." I dont know who stole the P.:rolleyes:
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#22
#22
Depleted said:
My family has gathered every year around the holidays, even when we fought. It is possible to make small talk and care about them, even if you won't be having them over for dinner any time soon.

"Hi. Great weather out."

"How's the new car?"

"Congratulations. I hear you got a new job" or "How is the job search going?"

"I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and your ex."

"The Eagles beat your Cowboys." (Guaranteed to get a scoff. lol)

"How are your kids doing in...?"

"Did you finish building the Round House?" (One brother is forever building himself a new place to call home.)

Talk about anything and all things. Just walk away when the elephant in the room is introduced into the conversation.

I usually go with, "Well, that was nice while it lasted. Time to go grab a soda/have a cigarette/see if Dad needs help/go talk to...."

It takes two to fight. If they insist on fighting, walk away.

(If Mom were alive today, she'd be asking, "Who are you and what did you do with my daughter?" lol)

It's to the point this Sunday will be odd because this is the first time in decades no one is fighting with someone else. (UNLESS I missed something again, which is quite possible. :rolleyes:)
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Oh any talk against the Cowboys is fightin words when my husband is in the room.lol I do try and avoid the arguments. I guess I need to learn to move faster. lol
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#23
#23
Depleted said:
Yeah, you're like me. The peacekeeper. The arbitrator. It's in us to notice non-verbal. That was our job growing up. It doesn't work. We can't stop noticing, but we can shut up. Walk away at first sentence. You still hear that first sentence, but it beats hearing the entire dissertation. And they have that dissertation ready, because they've been practicing it on you all their lives. They know the buttons. They know their excuse. And mostly they know what will hurt you the most.

Walk away.
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Yep,I got it from my mother. And Im not thick skinned when it comes to family. Friends could say something and I brush it off or ignore them. But family gets me,and they like to corner me. You are right,I need to try and get out of Dodge faster before they can dump on me.
 
notmyown

notmyown

Senior Member
#24
May 26, 2016
4,698
1,129
113
#24
kaylagrl said:
That should have been "dont tempt me." I dont know who stole the P.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

:mad: probably some random family member! haha

no worries, as the queen of typos, i didn't even notice. :)
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#25
#25
notmyown said:
:mad: probably some random family member! haha

no worries, as the queen of typos, i didn't even notice. :)
Click to expand...

Hahaha! No kidding. Luckily this side of the family doesn't have that problem. My fathers side though....lol

I have a new laptop and its stiff compared to my old one. I have to hit the keys harder and end up missing letters. Hopefully it will get better with use.
 
GandalfTheWhite

GandalfTheWhite

Senior Member
#26
Jan 25, 2015
9,213
3,188
113
#26
kaylagrl said:
Hahaha! No kidding. Luckily this side of the family doesn't have that problem. My fathers side though....lol

I have a new laptop and its stiff compared to my old one. I have to hit the keys harder and end up missing letters. Hopefully it will get better with use.
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You can always attempt to get rid of your "anger issues" on your new keyboard :p
 
GandalfTheWhite

GandalfTheWhite

Senior Member
#27
Jan 25, 2015
9,213
3,188
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#27
My wife and I met a nice couple last year and we became instant friends. The sad reality about people is that our families are the ones hurting us the most. This lady and man was so mistreated by their own blood that it is actually insane.

When I think of my family I fear the day my parents die because I know that certain people will be like vultures circling around what they want from my parents. As for me, I told my wife I will stay out of it and withdraw from the situation. I will rather try to remember them and be grateful for the people God blessed me with as parents :) . They have their mistakes but don't we all have them?

When my brother died, one of my brothers took all of his stuff and basically selected all of the expensive stuff for himself and took what was left over to my sister. He at least had the "decency" to give something to my mother but when I think about it I am bitter. I forgave him but till this day it still leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth :( . The worst part is that he is the most successful of all of my family and he could actually afford to buy the items himself... like I said, just thinking about it makes me bitter but I walked away from the situation.

My wife is the same. When she was a child, she was physically abused by her mother, brother and sister. Hit over the head with beer bottles etc. Now that her mother passed away her brother and sister comes to her for comfort and also to try and scavenge money from us.


Aaaaargh Kayla, now you made me mad :mad:

:eek::p
 
notmyown

notmyown

Senior Member
#28
May 26, 2016
4,698
1,129
113
#28
GandalfTheWhite said:
My wife and I met a nice couple last year and we became instant friends. The sad reality about people is that our families are the ones hurting us the most. This lady and man was so mistreated by their own blood that it is actually insane.

When I think of my family I fear the day my parents die because I know that certain people will be like vultures circling around what they want from my parents. As for me, I told my wife I will stay out of it and withdraw from the situation. I will rather try to remember them and be grateful for the people God blessed me with as parents :) . They have their mistakes but don't we all have them?

When my brother died, one of my brothers took all of his stuff and basically selected all of the expensive stuff for himself and took what was left over to my sister. He at least had the "decency" to give something to my mother but when I think about it I am bitter. I forgave him but till this day it still leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth :( . The worst part is that he is the most successful of all of my family and he could actually afford to buy the items himself... like I said, just thinking about it makes me bitter but I walked away from the situation.

My wife is the same. When she was a child, she was physically abused by her mother, brother and sister. Hit over the head with beer bottles etc. Now that her mother passed away her brother and sister comes to her for comfort and also to try and scavenge money from us.


Aaaaargh Kayla, now you made me mad :mad:

:eek::p
Click to expand...

if you think about it, the people with the most ability to hurt us are the ones we are most vulnerable to because we love them.

do you think i can adopt your wife? i promise i don't want anything except to love her. :eek:
 
GandalfTheWhite

GandalfTheWhite

Senior Member
#29
Jan 25, 2015
9,213
3,188
113
#29
notmyown said:
if you think about it, the people with the most ability to hurt us are the ones we are most vulnerable to because we love them.

do you think i can adopt your wife? i promise i don't want anything except to love her. :eek:
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God is so good for her, since she turned 18 there were many moms in her life. She is really blessed in that sense... and then of course her awesome husband :p
 
notmyown

notmyown

Senior Member
#30
May 26, 2016
4,698
1,129
113
#30
GandalfTheWhite said:
God is so good for her, since she turned 18 there were many moms in her life. She is really blessed in that sense... and then of course her awesome husband :p
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of course! not even slightly kidding. i'm glad you have each other. :)
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#32
#32
kaylagrl said:
They attack me so I try to explain. They wont accept the explanation...
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Is there the slightest chance they don't know your explanation yet? (Ya know? Girls being girls and all, we're very good at explaining thoroughly, ten different ways, 50 different times. lol)

I now have three responses:
1. Smirk.
2. Shrug.
3. Smirk with shrug.

And if the words get to me, because they keep on going, I have a backup plan. All I have to say is "The Cowboys aren't that good" or "The North won the war." (I got Southerners in the family too. lol) Guaranteed to get them going off on something I care less about, but they think I care just as much about. AND, it stops being about me and my life choices. Or, on a good day, they get the humor and the fight stops because it's very hard to fight when you're chuckling.

But, be realistic. You've explained. They don't like the explanation. So what? You both have something in common. You're both absolutely sure, "I'm right." Soooo, shrug or smirk.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#34
#34
Depleted said:
Is there the slightest chance they don't know your explanation yet? (Ya know? Girls being girls and all, we're very good at explaining thoroughly, ten different ways, 50 different times. lol)

I now have three responses:
1. Smirk.
2. Shrug.
3. Smirk with shrug.

And if the words get to me, because they keep on going, I have a backup plan. All I have to say is "The Cowboys aren't that good" or "The North won the war." (I got Southerners in the family too. lol) Guaranteed to get them going off on something I care less about, but they think I care just as much about. AND, it stops being about me and my life choices. Or, on a good day, they get the humor and the fight stops because it's very hard to fight when you're chuckling.

But, be realistic. You've explained. They don't like the explanation. So what? You both have something in common. You're both absolutely sure, "I'm right." Soooo, shrug or smirk.
Click to expand...

All good points! I think maybe I need to invest in noise cancelling headphones.lol Im getting tired of being ambushed. Ive explained myself to death and they just aren't going to accept it.They have their minds made up to be against me.Its getting to the point of depression.They just aren't going to budge. I just need to train myself to not let it bother me I guess.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#35
#35
GandalfTheWhite said:
My wife and I met a nice couple last year and we became instant friends. The sad reality about people is that our families are the ones hurting us the most. This lady and man was so mistreated by their own blood that it is actually insane.

When I think of my family I fear the day my parents die because I know that certain people will be like vultures circling around what they want from my parents. As for me, I told my wife I will stay out of it and withdraw from the situation. I will rather try to remember them and be grateful for the people God blessed me with as parents :) . They have their mistakes but don't we all have them?

When my brother died, one of my brothers took all of his stuff and basically selected all of the expensive stuff for himself and took what was left over to my sister. He at least had the "decency" to give something to my mother but when I think about it I am bitter. I forgave him but till this day it still leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth :( . The worst part is that he is the most successful of all of my family and he could actually afford to buy the items himself... like I said, just thinking about it makes me bitter but I walked away from the situation.

My wife is the same. When she was a child, she was physically abused by her mother, brother and sister. Hit over the head with beer bottles etc. Now that her mother passed away her brother and sister comes to her for comfort and also to try and scavenge money from us.


Aaaaargh Kayla, now you made me mad :mad:

:eek::p
Click to expand...



Aww I didn't mean to make you mad :( So sad to hear that your wife suffered abuse,I hope her heart has begun to heal,with your help Im sure she will.


I had a similar situation when my grandmother died. Part of the family that did nothing but bum money from her were the first ones to ask for her things. They met my father in the mall and asked when he was going to pass out her things,my parents had taken my grandmother in to live with us and cared for her when she had a brain tumor. He told me what they said and he didn't know how to answer.I said tell them this "whatever you gave her you will get back". Well they had given her nothing but a card hear and there. Problem solved.No one made a peep again about grandmothers possessions.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#36
#36
kaylagrl said:

All good points! I think maybe I need to invest in noise cancelling headphones.lol Im getting tired of being ambushed. Ive explained myself to death and they just aren't going to accept it.They have their minds made up to be against me.Its getting to the point of depression.They just aren't going to budge. I just need to train myself to not let it bother me I guess.
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If you ever get to the point that you can train yourself that it doesn't bother you? Sign me up as your first student.

Of course it bothers me. He's my husband after all. (Yeah, similar problems, except he's part of the family, so gets equal turns at being the punted.) But they can't get a good Lynnie reaction out of me anymore, so the games stopped being fun enough to continue at length.

All we get now is a once-in-a-while kick. It sure beats constant kicks.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#37
#37
Depleted said:
If you ever get to the point that you can train yourself that it doesn't bother you? Sign me up as your first student.

Of course it bothers me. He's my husband after all. (Yeah, similar problems, except he's part of the family, so gets equal turns at being the punted.) But they can't get a good Lynnie reaction out of me anymore, so the games stopped being fun enough to continue at length.

All we get now is a once-in-a-while kick. It sure beats constant kicks.
Click to expand...
I get what you are saying.Practice your wooden Indian face. lol Oh can we say that nowdays?
 
GandalfTheWhite

GandalfTheWhite

Senior Member
#38
Jan 25, 2015
9,213
3,188
113
#38
kaylagrl said:


Aww I didn't mean to make you mad :( So sad to hear that your wife suffered abuse,I hope her heart has begun to heal,with your help Im sure she will.


I had a similar situation when my grandmother died. Part of the family that did nothing but bum money from her were the first ones to ask for her things. They met my father in the mall and asked when he was going to pass out her things,my parents had taken my grandmother in to live with us and cared for her when she had a brain tumor. He told me what they said and he didn't know how to answer.I said tell them this "whatever you gave her you will get back". Well they had given her nothing but a card hear and there. Problem solved.No one made a peep again about grandmothers possessions.
Click to expand...
You know what, I am not mad because of the possessions. They can take that in a heartbeat if it give me another chance to speak to my brother.

For me it was just an eye opener to see how low people you love and trust can go for earthly belongings. That is what made me angry. The selfishness, but like I said, I forgave them and walked away from it. But this morning you made me think about it again :)

My wife is fine, sometimes her emotions get the better of her but she is a tough one :) she dealt with it when she was in her twenties with help from her "adopted mothers" :)
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#39
#39
GandalfTheWhite said:
My wife and I met a nice couple last year and we became instant friends. The sad reality about people is that our families are the ones hurting us the most. This lady and man was so mistreated by their own blood that it is actually insane.

When I think of my family I fear the day my parents die because I know that certain people will be like vultures circling around what they want from my parents. As for me, I told my wife I will stay out of it and withdraw from the situation. I will rather try to remember them and be grateful for the people God blessed me with as parents :) . They have their mistakes but don't we all have them?

When my brother died, one of my brothers took all of his stuff and basically selected all of the expensive stuff for himself and took what was left over to my sister. He at least had the "decency" to give something to my mother but when I think about it I am bitter. I forgave him but till this day it still leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth :( . The worst part is that he is the most successful of all of my family and he could actually afford to buy the items himself... like I said, just thinking about it makes me bitter but I walked away from the situation.

My wife is the same. When she was a child, she was physically abused by her mother, brother and sister. Hit over the head with beer bottles etc. Now that her mother passed away her brother and sister comes to her for comfort and also to try and scavenge money from us.


Aaaaargh Kayla, now you made me mad :mad:

:eek::p
Click to expand...
My oldest brother, who is also the executor to Dad's will, thinks he solved the inheritance problem years ago. He's let us all know that when the time comes, if we fight over Dad's stuff, we get nothing.

And I say "thinks" for an amusing reason. Mom died when we were teenagers. Most of our parent's furniture was from her side of the family. So, when she died we should have fought over it then. We didn't, so Dad got it. 20 years later, oldest brother got into a snit, (he was disowned, yet again), and called Dad on that. Suddenly we all had to take what we wanted. Dangit! We live in a small house and already had furniture. We took the smallest. Ny older brother was very broke at the time, so he sold his furniture to Dad. Younger brother was already given what was rightfully his when he moved out, so he was fine.

The one stuck with what to do with all the furniture? The brother who got in a snit. lol

Added to this, a year ago, Dad had to be taken out of his house, (dementia), so all the rest was up for grabs... except no one came to grab. (I couldn't. Hubby was in the hospital at the time. And I didn't want to except for two pieces -- a hookah pipe that belonged to our grandfather and an illustration of all August-flowers that celebrates Dad's birth month.) So all that fighting brother was sure we'd get into? It finally gets all settled on Sunday, when I go visit everyone and bring home a hookah pipe and a pretty picture.

We're just not that into our parents' belongings. Thousands of dollars of silverware, a coin collection we didn't even know Dad had, and antiques. Who knows what happened to any of it? Oldest brother just wanted to unload Dad's house, and considering Dad had become a hoarder and wasn't capable of maintaining the house,what was in it was the least of the problems then. (Getting Dad out of there into safety and taking care of hubby were beyond those kinds of worries.)

You just never know how family will react.
 
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