My husband has attended his church for nearly 12 years. I've been there 4 years. I never would have attended on my own, but I have respected my husband's leadership in this regard. The problem is that I'm not spiritually fed in this church. The sermons are empty (lots of yelling and no clear message) and there are host of other issues. I supplement with radio ministries and my own study. I've visited a friend's church and would like to go back, but my husband is unwilling to go with me and says he doesn't want me to go without him. I feel stuck, as if my opinion doesn't matter. I'm at the point of refusing to go to church altogether. Who gets to decide here? Husband or wife?
Who chooses your church? Husband or wife?
- Thread starter KJ22
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G
I personally believe that if both individuals are attending a Church together that is a such a blessing to their family and their own walks with the Lord. Myself being a wife who for many years attended church with my two daughters alone do believe that since the husband is the head of home according to scripture that he ultimately decides. Not just because he is a man but that the Lord has given him that calling that we as women are told to be in submission to. Give it time and both of you studying the Word together and discuss what you learn. You will see such a awesome change in your relationship together by joining and placing the Lord in the center of it. I personally have experienced this in my own marriage and it is such a blessing.
My husband and I attended the same church for 7 years. The last two of that, the pastor was totally off track and never preached from the Bible, but from books he had read. I got really tired of it (So did many others who left). My husband wanted to stay, but I went to a church with another friend who had left, and the pastor was totally unbelievable. He just took a passage of scripture and would preach on it. Nothing about the ideas or books of men! Talk about being able to learn, understand and apply the Bible.
So I discussed it with my husband, and he didn't mind if I left the other church, where I was very involved in ministry. I took a break from ministry the first year. My husband also stopped going to church, until he came for an Easter production at the invitation of my friend. He never even went back to tell the pastor he was leaving.
My husband and I agree doctrinally on just about everything. Really, the two churches were both Baptist, very similar about doctrine. In the end, it was about the preaching, not even the music, which was my ministry as music director at the former church. And just better fellowship! Well, many of the members are my friends from the other church.
I think if you are not getting fed, you really do need to look around and find a church that feeds you. My personal feeling is that we are all responsible for our own walk with God. If you are not growing, spiritually dry, not being fed, you should not be afraid to go elsewhere. I do not regret that I changed churches, as I do believe God led me out of that valley of dry bones.
As far as male leadership, it really does depend on the people in the marriage. I am the one with the MDiv, and I am a chaplain. My husband is spiritually immature, although I do pray daily for him to grow, and find assurance in Christ. I love him very much, but I could never sacrifice my walk with God for him, and I don't think God would expect me to! Nor him, for that matter. He leads in the areas he is strong, and I have been able to gently lead from my areas of strength. I think that mutual submission (Eph. 5:21) implies that we compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses. That is the key to a successful marriage, but I don't want to get too deeply into it, as I am not interested in fighting with people over whether this is Biblical, because it is, in spite of what certain councils of male chauvinists would have you believe!
So I discussed it with my husband, and he didn't mind if I left the other church, where I was very involved in ministry. I took a break from ministry the first year. My husband also stopped going to church, until he came for an Easter production at the invitation of my friend. He never even went back to tell the pastor he was leaving.
My husband and I agree doctrinally on just about everything. Really, the two churches were both Baptist, very similar about doctrine. In the end, it was about the preaching, not even the music, which was my ministry as music director at the former church. And just better fellowship! Well, many of the members are my friends from the other church.
I think if you are not getting fed, you really do need to look around and find a church that feeds you. My personal feeling is that we are all responsible for our own walk with God. If you are not growing, spiritually dry, not being fed, you should not be afraid to go elsewhere. I do not regret that I changed churches, as I do believe God led me out of that valley of dry bones.
As far as male leadership, it really does depend on the people in the marriage. I am the one with the MDiv, and I am a chaplain. My husband is spiritually immature, although I do pray daily for him to grow, and find assurance in Christ. I love him very much, but I could never sacrifice my walk with God for him, and I don't think God would expect me to! Nor him, for that matter. He leads in the areas he is strong, and I have been able to gently lead from my areas of strength. I think that mutual submission (Eph. 5:21) implies that we compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses. That is the key to a successful marriage, but I don't want to get too deeply into it, as I am not interested in fighting with people over whether this is Biblical, because it is, in spite of what certain councils of male chauvinists would have you believe!
Thank you for the reply. We agree doctrinally, but we have different views on the role of church. He doesn't think good preaching is important if the overall worship experience is good. I don't see any point in going to church if you're only there for the singing. He thinks we should stay where we are and get good teaching from radio pastors. I really enjoy several radio pastors, but see no point in attending church service if the teaching is weak (or non-existent). He has gone further to say that he won't visit other places just because I want hear better preaching. After writing this, the answer seems obvious: we should fast and pray together and seek God's guidance on whether to stay or go.
B
Dear sister; when my wife and i sat down togetheand discussed this very issue. We were being fed good spiritual food. however she felt that the fellowship was not very deep. So i left for her sake to attend a warm friendly mennonite chapel. i found iut it was her having issues and needing some spiritual maturity. but she found sisters who were more mature and grew in the Lord. We moved. again i didnt like a certain church but a Godfearing, husband loving woman with moxie to boot won the respect of my wife. So i went there and i pray for change as i always do. I never let my wife leave my spiritual covering. She respects me. Dont move ahead of your husband or God. Blessings Sister. 
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Ideally, you both agree on it. Unless going to church there would be disobeying God (e.g. participating in the church of Satan), then you should submit to your husband. You can also pray for him to change his mind.
Is he opposed to you going to a mid-week service or a Sunday night service somewhere else? Is there a church kind of similar to his, maybe yelling with a clear message, or without the yelling, with a clear message, but something he would still find familiar that you could ask him to attend with you for a night service?
Is he opposed to you going to a mid-week service or a Sunday night service somewhere else? Is there a church kind of similar to his, maybe yelling with a clear message, or without the yelling, with a clear message, but something he would still find familiar that you could ask him to attend with you for a night service?
I agree that the husband is the head of household, as appointed by God. There needs to be a trust in God that He has appointed your husband to that position, and that you are to honor that position. That being said, I can understand and appreciate the struggle of not getting anything out of your husband's church, but I think if you're willing to submit to God and submit to your husband, you can find encouragement and blessing somewhere in the church. We are walking in obedience to God's direction, there is blessing, even if it's hard to find. Have faith in that process, and look for the ways God can bless you while you're there.
Matt
Matt
I am in the same boat. The small church we've been attending doesn't have in depth bible study...it's a home church and our 'sermons' usually become encounter groups where people's feelings and life experiences become the main topic. I feel like I'm starving for the Word of God. Is this selfish? Maybe. But the Bible speaks of spiritual growth as very important.
My husband wants to continue there because, I think, basically it's the simplest thing to do. He is a reluctant church-goer anyway. But I think my need for spiritual growth is more important than his 'let's not make waves and do the simplest thing' attitude. So...since it isn't really that important to him to attend church but is of IMMENSE importance to me, then I think it's ok to 'override' this male leadership. If the husband refuses to lead spiritually, what is the wife supposed to do? Starve?
I admit I may be wrong here...but my need for hearing the Word of God taught is great and I feel rather desperate. Also, our home church has succumbed to gossip and slandering...very much working against the Holy Spirit. When it was my husband's turn to do the teaching he would ask me to come up with some material for him (because he was too busy to come up with a sermon himself). Then he'd share that tidbit with the others and laugh about it. I didn't think it was very funny and I definitely wouldn't have shared it with everyone.
My husband will probably use this opportunity to get out of going to church completely and blame me for it. But you know, we are each responsible for our own salvation....no one else can do it for us. I don't mean we can earn it, but we do have to fight in spiritual warfare to maintain a good and healthy relationship with God.
Praying for you and your husband that the Holy Spirit will lead you in peace and love and mutual understanding.
My husband wants to continue there because, I think, basically it's the simplest thing to do. He is a reluctant church-goer anyway. But I think my need for spiritual growth is more important than his 'let's not make waves and do the simplest thing' attitude. So...since it isn't really that important to him to attend church but is of IMMENSE importance to me, then I think it's ok to 'override' this male leadership. If the husband refuses to lead spiritually, what is the wife supposed to do? Starve?
I admit I may be wrong here...but my need for hearing the Word of God taught is great and I feel rather desperate. Also, our home church has succumbed to gossip and slandering...very much working against the Holy Spirit. When it was my husband's turn to do the teaching he would ask me to come up with some material for him (because he was too busy to come up with a sermon himself). Then he'd share that tidbit with the others and laugh about it. I didn't think it was very funny and I definitely wouldn't have shared it with everyone.
My husband will probably use this opportunity to get out of going to church completely and blame me for it. But you know, we are each responsible for our own salvation....no one else can do it for us. I don't mean we can earn it, but we do have to fight in spiritual warfare to maintain a good and healthy relationship with God.
Praying for you and your husband that the Holy Spirit will lead you in peace and love and mutual understanding.
I am going to say that God decided. When we started looking for a church, we visited different churches each week. As soon as we entered our current church, I knew it was the one. It was a feeling in my heart--my heart actually started racing (in a good way). Hubby really liked the church but, he wanted to attend a few other churches to be sure.
I think God worked in my favor on this one. The next week, hubby ended up having to work so I went back to the church I love. The following week, hubby was not feeling well so I went back to the same church. The next week, hubby had to go out of town for work so I went back again. When hubby came home from his work trip, he knew. He knew that I was in love with that church and we started attending regularly.
Today we are both very active members in the church. We have an amazing pastor and a wonderful church family. I don't think we could be happier with a church.
I think God worked in my favor on this one. The next week, hubby ended up having to work so I went back to the church I love. The following week, hubby was not feeling well so I went back to the same church. The next week, hubby had to go out of town for work so I went back again. When hubby came home from his work trip, he knew. He knew that I was in love with that church and we started attending regularly.
Today we are both very active members in the church. We have an amazing pastor and a wonderful church family. I don't think we could be happier with a church.
I have suggested this but the other women do not seem interested .
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Blessings.
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J
My husband and I asked God to decide. We had no way of knowing where God could best use us or where we would learn/grow as He wanted us to. We prayed together, discussed it and followed God's leading. I have continue to choose in this way as well.
I absolutely believe that the husband is the head of the family, but it is important to remember that the husband must be led by the Spirit of God, not by worship music or convenience. If it were me, I think I would explain that I wanted to be a respectful wife, but that I needed proper spiritual food and leadership to accomplish that. I would say that I was prayerfully looking to him to pray with me and to choose a place of godly fellowship based upon God's will for our family. We are accountable to God for the decisions we make for those in our care, such as spouses and children. Sometimes a wakeup call in this regard can lead an individual to give greater consideration and prayer to such things.
I absolutely believe that the husband is the head of the family, but it is important to remember that the husband must be led by the Spirit of God, not by worship music or convenience. If it were me, I think I would explain that I wanted to be a respectful wife, but that I needed proper spiritual food and leadership to accomplish that. I would say that I was prayerfully looking to him to pray with me and to choose a place of godly fellowship based upon God's will for our family. We are accountable to God for the decisions we make for those in our care, such as spouses and children. Sometimes a wakeup call in this regard can lead an individual to give greater consideration and prayer to such things.