Do We View Having Multiple Marriages Vs. Multiple Relationships Differently?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I'm giving credit for this thread idea to Hoss because one of his old threads gave me an idea that's been churning in my head a few months.

Do we have differing opinions about those who have been married more than once vs. those who have had more than one relationship? Why? And how does it affect our view of them as far as being a potential spouse for ourselves or someone else?

I know these aren't the best examples but they're the most prominent ones I can think of right now. When I think of this subject, two very specific people come to mind: George Clooney and Elizabeth Taylor. George is well-known for dating a long string of beautiful women over the years, and just recently married for the first time.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, was heavily criticized for being married 8 times (twice to the same person and yes, I realize her relationships weren't under the best circumstances). I read an interview with her once in which she was asked (as she was always asked this) why she had been married so many times and she replied that she was old-fashioned and raised to believe in getting married, not just exist in a relationship, so when she fell in love, she insisted on getting married.

I do know that these are two worldly examples and that there are also several other dynamics to consider--society will generally view a woman who has been through multiple relationships/marriages in a much more negative light than a man--but I am wondering what you as Christians think about this topic.

Who would you judge more harshly--the person who has been married twice (and is now divorced, and let's say their spouse abandoned them each time for someone else) or the person who has been in 5 relationships? Who is more eligible to marry?

And let's be real. I suppose part of this has to do with sex. If someone has been married twice, you know they've been with at least 2 people. If someone has been in 6 relationships and not slept with anyone, I can certainly see why this situation would be judged less harshly. But what if another person has been in 10 relationships (which, at my age, isn't uncommon these days, even for Christians) and has slept with all 10 people? Does your viewpoint then change? How? And why? Are they all they automatically disqualified for marriage are some more "worthy" than others?

I find it interesting because I myself am divorced (he married another woman) and have found in the dating world that being divorced is definitely considered a MUCH worse sin than having been in relationships with multiple people, even if sex was involved in those unmarried relationships. I'm always... intrigued... to meet men (I'm not bashing anyone here, but speaking from my experience as a woman) who have slept with more women than they can count but will not "taint" themselves with someone divorced.

I know all the Bible passages that will be quoted here about "whoever married the divorced woman commits adultery", but it's interesting to me then that the person who may have only been with their marriage partner is automatically, for any reason, crossed off the list, while the one who has had sex with multiple people, even in long-term relationships, is seen to be perfectly eligible for marriage...

What are your thoughts?

 

[wisebeardman]

idk,

as for the sex thing, don't matter if you were married or not when you had sex fact is you had sex.

being married makes it more "ok" (if you only had sex with the person you were married to)

Problem with getting involved with someone who has had sex before is the grass in greener syndrome. I notice women doing this a lot, comparing current partner with previous. so if you "don't measure up" you may find her "finding something better on the side"
I have seen it time and time again. (men probably do it as well, but I have only heard women doing the comparing)

if you are a virgin, you have nothing to compare to. Which is why we should wait until marriage, and after you are married stay with each other till death. (yeah I know blah blah things happen)

So If I was going to get involved in a relationship. yeah if the female has had sex before id be very very very very hesitant to get involved, just due in fact if it progressed into seriousness and marriage.. well on that day im going to be measured and if its not up to previous, well I better start getting ready to lose everything cause the stats tend to show i'll end up getting cheated on thus divorce will happen and I because i am a male will lose everything.

and yes I know sometimes the "virgin" will end up cheating, but in everything I have seen in life the virgin tends to be faithful. its once you have something to compare to is when the cheating starts

 

[cinder]

Good thread topic seoulsearch (and hoss) as usual.

For me several factors would have to come into play, but as a short answer when it comes to past relationships I don't see living together and sleeping together as much different from being married (if anything a guy who has lived with multiple women and not bothered marrying any of them seems a much worse dating / marriage prospect).

I have wondered at what "level of sin" a guy's past would be a deal breaker, but haven't come to too many hard and fast conclusions. Statistically speaking it is unlikely for me to meet a guy with a past similar to mine, that's hugely narrowing the playing field from the start, and God absolutely can change people so past sin shouldn't be an automatic out. Still, do I want to help some guy carry the emotional baggage of many past sexual relationships for the rest of my life? How long will it take to feel secure that he's really committed and going to stick out a marriage if he has had several multiple year relationships in the past and then left those people? How will the stuff in his past affect other future opportunities (i.e. if he's a convicted felon who met God in prison or has children from some of those previous relationships)? And how could I model forgiveness and redemption to a guy while telling him I've come to the conclusion that he's been too far into sin for me to be with him?

Still I think if it came down to a choice, I'd take the guy who had been a faithful spouse before divorce, learned lessons from it, and was ready to remarry over the guy who had had multiple sleeping together relationships. Then again, I always have the choice to remain single.

 

[seoulsearch]

Wise--thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! It's great to see you talking to us about your observations and thoughts I hope you'll continue to do so in the future. I understand what you're saying and agree with you that the thought of "comparisons" is very difficult. Unfortunately, it's extremely rare to find someone who has no experience to compare another person to.

Cinder--I am totally on board with your post. I would feel more much comfortable dating someone who had been faithful in a few long-term relationships or marriages than someone who was used to sleeping with anyone they became involved with.

I understand that the past is the past and there are such things as forgiveness and a clean slate, but to me, someone (man or woman) who is used to giving in to such feelings and drives without much restraint has formed a habitual pattern that would be very tough to break in the present. After all, the Bible says that one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control and if a person is used to living without any discipline in this area, it's not something that will change overnight. I would also be concerned about getting involved with anyone who was able to regularly break God's will and apparently not feel motivated enough or have sought out help in trying to change this.

I personally believe that anyone looking to get married has to understand that there are times when self-control, faithfulness, and sacrifice (even when you don't want to give something up) is crucial and I would be looking for someone who has experience and practice in these areas, rather than giving in to the flesh anytime it wants something.

 

[cinder]

I personally believe that anyone looking to get married has to understand that there are times when self-control, faithfulness, and sacrifice (even when you don't want to give something up) is crucial and I would be looking for someone who has experience and practice in these areas, rather than giving in to the flesh anytime it wants something.

Ditto. I just can't imagine not feeling like a jerk having to say that bluntly to someone I care about.

 

[Jeff_56]

i agree with scripture (yahweh's word), yahshua(yahweh's salvation).

yahweh says , yahshua said plainly, it is written,
"anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery(sin)".

and more. of course. but nothing ever contradicts this. yahweh never repents of this .

the world and hasatan and many churches love getting larger money, so they lie. go figure.

as for those who have immoral behavior "as if" they will get away with it ,

as it is written, they have a hot reception waiting.(eternal judgment, not peace).

the penalty for sin is death. they will not get out of it, unless, like the prostitutes and thieves who listen to Jesus

they repent (in truth; complete change of life; born again - by yahweh's will, not man's).

 

[seoulsearch]

Jeff--please also be sure to take the entire post into consideration.

How do you feel about marrying someone who has never married but has had multiple sexual partners? Should they be excluded from consideration for marriage like you are saying the divorced person should be?

 

[Jeff_56]

Jeff--please also be sure to take the entire post into consideration.

How do you feel about marrying someone who has never married but has had multiple sexual partners? Should they be excluded from consideration for marriage like you are saying the divorced person should be?

absolutely. (yes, thank you, i re-read the op and edited my post while i could, before seeing your post next).

 

[Jeff_56]

the scriptures says so. (i.e. it's not opinion nor "what i or someone thinks). even the heathen world sees that - though they don't agree.

 

[seoulsearch]

This is interesting, because it's venturing into the territory of saying that the only people eligible for marriage at all are untouched virgins.

I'm not saying AT ALL that we should go against God, but if the future of the human race and Christian communities relies solely on virgins and ONLY virgins... I guess we need to support more families like the Duggars?

 

[ChandlerFan]

Well I will say that I believe it is biblically wrong to get remarried to another person if one's divorce did not take place for a biblically allowable reason (sexual immorality or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse). I know of some pretty well-known pastors who will not perform wedding ceremonies for people in this category because of the chance that they could be reconciled to their original spouse.

I think a lot of this, though, is a wisdom issue regarding people who have a history of jumping from person to person. If a person shows that they are unable to commit, they probably aren't great marriage material. I think when you're dealing with a person who is repentant of all of that, at least in terms of sexual immorality in relationships, that's a different story. But marriage is way different than being in a relationship, which is why divorce does carry a lot more weight. But I think you have to really get to know the person, what really happened in their past, and where there heart is at now to know if they are someone who is marriage material.

 

[cinder]

i agree with scripture (yahweh's word), yahshua(yahweh's salvation).

yahweh says , yahshua said plainly, it is written,
"anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery(sin)".

and more. of course. but nothing ever contradicts this. yahweh never repents of this .

the world and hasatan and many churches love getting larger money, so they lie. go figure.

as for those who have immoral behavior "as if" they will get away with it ,

as it is written, they have a hot reception waiting.(eternal judgment, not peace).

the penalty for sin is death. they will not get out of it, unless, like the prostitutes and thieves who listen to Jesus

they repent (in truth; complete change of life; born again - by yahweh's will, not man's).

Ok. My inner Bible scholar is going to bat for the several awesome divorced people I know of that we have hanging around singles.

Quick Bible search on divorce reveals:

OT law: Divorce and remarriage were permitted under God's covenant (i.e. not sin) (Deuteronomy 24:1-2) except in special circumstances ( see Deu 22) (In Jeremiah 3:8 God uses the same word for divorce and says he divorced Israel for faithlessness). The word for divorce used here comes from a root meaning cut off.

Ezra 10: There was a problem that the covenant people had taken pagan wives and they made a covenant with God to send them away. Some translations use divorce here though the Hebrew word is different and means more of of sending out or movement away from. Their sin in this case was not the divorcing but the marrying.

Mal 2:16- the famous God hates divorce passage. Divorce in this case is yet another Hebrew word meaning to cast out or send away. And the translations vary between whether God hates divorce or weather a man who divorces his wife is showing her hatred. The passage is clear that breaking the marriage vows is evil and an act of treachery, but places no blame on the one who was gotten rid of.

Matt 5: 31-32 This is the famous passage on divorce equals adultery. Interestingly enough, this comes in Jesus sermon on the mount (you know the same sermon where he says that being angry with someone equals murder and you should chop off body parts that cause you to lust oh and lust equals adultery too) right after the part about adultery and right before the part about vows (also related to marriage).

Jesus has another discussion about divorce in Matt 19. He states that divorce isn't God's design, and that a man who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery- unless his wife had been unfaithful.

I can't seem to find the verse you are referring to that says marrying a divorced woman makes her commit adultery.

So in light of how God dealt with his people and the context of what Jesus said, is it not more reasonable to assume that Jesus' meaning was that divorcing your spouse so that you can be with someone else is just as evil as if you actually committed adultery and cheated on your spouse. That interpretation also seems much more in line with Jesus telling the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more and Paul's counsel in 1 Cor 7 to let unbelieving spouses leave if they wish.

 

[gypsygirl]

not that long ago, a friend and i were talking about dating and she pointed out to me, "well, you HAVE dated a lot of guys...". and this is true, at least off and on during times in my life when i've been more open to such things. the vast majority of them were one to three dates, with primary intention to determine compatibility--guys who asked me out in any manner of meeting. and most of them were (quickly) thrown back.

i look at someone who is open to chaste, christian dating as someone who is relationship/marriage minded. someone who has made that a priority. pursuing real, genuine, lasting love is an act of courage and faith, not an accident, usually.

i think that's what dating is all about. learning both what you're looking for, and then trying to figure out who represents those necessary qualities. i'm not talking about the "world's view of dating" but how dating can be, as a christian.

and the reason i point that out is that i would consider myself a "careful shopper". okay, maybe a very careful one, but i've always had good reason for that.

one thing i've occasionally had held against me by christians (or at least observed and pointed out to me) is that i haven't married thus far--which i find utterly fascinating because sometimes the message i get is that i would be more acceptable to some as a divorcee than simply unmarried.

i find that logic incredibly frustrating. maybe i'd be less "careful" if i wasn't raised among the carnage of broken marriage and dysfunctional families, but the truth is i have really, really high standards. as we all should.

and in spite of my questionable lack of "marriage" i've never really had a problem with guys holding my "dating history" against me--or if they did, i wasn't aware of it. and whether i'm judged for that by others? i dunno. but i'm not really concerned about it either.

anyway, marriages fall apart for all kinds of reasons, just like relationships do. and the actual circumstances of their situation would matter more to me than generalizing. while i have dated divorced guys, i personally haven't had as much success with them--not because they're divorced, but i find we have different interpretation of health, recovery and what the bible says about marriage. however, i take it all into consideration. if someone is involved in inappropriate or unhealthy relationships, i'm going to want to see a lot of time and growth before i'd consider a relationship with them.

and to be clear, a "relationship" doesn't necessarily mean the couple isn't fulfilling biblical standards of pre-marital conduct. plenty of folks are part of perfectly chaste relationships, which is precisely how one dates to seek love and it doesn't become a trainwreck or part of some ugly ending.

 

[p_rehbein]

Dealing only with the concept put forth by the title and first paragraph of the OP: Yes

Last I checked relationships do not include vows made before God and man

 

[Fenner]

This is interesting, because it's venturing into the territory of saying that the only people eligible for marriage at all are untouched virgins. Quote


If that was the case there wouldn't be many people getting married, including myself and my Husband.

 

[tourist]

This is interesting, because it's venturing into the territory of saying that the only people eligible for marriage at all are untouched virgins.

I'm not saying AT ALL that we should go against God, but if the future of the human race and Christian communities relies solely on virgins and ONLY virgins... I guess we need to support more families like the Duggars?

The Duggar's are cloying.

 

[wisebeardman]

Wise--thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! It's great to see you talking to us about your observations and thoughts I hope you'll continue to do so in the future. I understand what you're saying and agree with you that the thought of "comparisons" is very difficult. Unfortunately, it's extremely rare to find someone who has no experience to compare another person to.

I have seen quite a bit in my life, studied other people and what they do. Once I learned what others tend to do you can pretty much figure out what someone would do to you. It is the whole "those who forget history are condemned to repeat it" Not only can you learn from your own history but history of others. (History isn't just about national politics, its about life) just like how many women will marry someone end up getting beat half to death spend years in that relationship and finally leave... and what happens many times they IGNORE history and end up repeating it. So by studying your own history and the history of others around you, you can learn quite a bit.

I don't just blindly say women who have had sex before are more likely to cheat if the man "don't measure up" I say it because I have seen it in history time and time again. but I have seen a gal wait until they were married until they had sex and end up never cheating.

So by learning what I have seen, getting involved with a woman who has had sex before is a huge gamble, the odds don't play out very well and history of others shows me that. sure you can win but I can also win 500 million from the powerball lotto. the odds just ain't in favor.

as for being married, If I ever was I would only do it one time and one time only. and you bet there will be contract signings as I do have to protect myself and my assets (again history shows in divorce the guys never wins but a very select few) but like I said I would only do it once and only once.

 

[Lynx]

Personally I have nothing to add to this thread from my own life. Never been with a woman, don't plan to unless we marry.

However... I hear the women talking a lot at work, and they get pretty graphic. Even though I'm standing right there, even though I can't very well leave my post and walk away, they keep talking about... *ahem* certain intimate details of their love lives right in front of me.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to agree with what wisebeardman said. Comparisons are going to be made, was this guy as good as the other guy, was he deficient in some way, etc. and the comparisons often get discussed with the woman's friends. At great length. And if the woman finds the man wasn't as good in bed as previous men, she's probably going to go looking for someone who IS as good as a previous man. At least that is what usually happens from what I have (unwillingly) observed.

On a related note, I have learned to bring my phone with a large music collection and earbuds to work. If they start talking about a topic I'd rather not hear I plug my music in. We're not supposed to listen to music at work, but none of the managers have said anything yet. They know what I have to deal with.



Mind you, all this is assuming someone dated and had sex with his or her dates. In the christian world that shouldn't happen, and regarding a christian lady who has been on a lot of dates I would think of her as a careful person who wants to find a good man before she gets serious about a relationship. But you specifically brought up dating with sex in the OP so I answered it as you stated it.

 

[wisebeardman]

Personally I have nothing to add to this thread from my own life. Never been with a woman, don't plan to unless we marry.

However... I hear the women talking a lot at work, and they get pretty graphic. Even though I'm standing right there, even though I can't very well leave my post and walk away, they keep talking about... *ahem* certain intimate details of their love lives right in front of me.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to agree with what wisebeardman said. Comparisons are going to be made, was this guy as good as the other guy, was he deficient in some way, etc. and the comparisons often get discussed with the woman's friends. At great length. And if the woman finds the man wasn't as good in bed as previous men, she's probably going to go looking for someone who IS as good as a previous man. At least that is what usually happens from what I have (unwillingly) observed.

On a related note, I have learned to bring my phone with a large music collection and earbuds to work. If they start talking about a topic I'd rather not hear I plug my music in. We're not supposed to listen to music at work, but none of the managers have said anything yet. They know what I have to deal with.



Mind you, all this is assuming someone dated and had sex with his or her dates. In the christian world that shouldn't happen, and regarding a christian lady who has been on a lot of dates I would think of her as a careful person who wants to find a good man before she gets serious about a relationship. But you specifically brought up dating with sex in the OP so I answered it as you stated it.

pretty much, dates are one thing, sex is a whole other ballgame. you could date 100 women/men and never have sex with them. while someone could have sex with 100 women/men.....

 

[StarryEyes]

i agree with scripture (yahweh's word), yahshua(yahweh's salvation).

yahweh says , yahshua said plainly, it is written,
"anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery(sin)".

and more. of course. but nothing ever contradicts this. yahweh never repents of this .

the world and hasatan and many churches love getting larger money, so they lie. go figure.

as for those who have immoral behavior "as if" they will get away with it ,

as it is written, they have a hot reception waiting.(eternal judgment, not peace).

the penalty for sin is death. they will not get out of it, unless, like the prostitutes and thieves who listen to Jesus

they repent (in truth; complete change of life; born again - by yahweh's will, not man's).

I have to quote you at: yahweh says , yahshua said plainly, it is written,
"anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery(sin)"

So based on this.... Since my husband was unfaithful and we are now divorced, does this mean that if I re-marry in the future my new husband will be sinning? Am I sinning as well by re-marrying? I am so confused. I thought adultery was the only reason to end a marriage... but I am not to marry anyone else ever?

~Kimber