What to do about a guy I like...

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Louise31

Guest
#1
#1
Hey guys! Just looking for a little advice...

So theres this guy. Were pretty good friends and have known each other for over a year now and we hang out quite a bit with a mutual friend. Its become clear that he likes me, in that he has begun texting me a lot (which is abnormal for him because he's not a texter), we've messaged every day for the past week and for multiple hours at a time just chatting about everything and anything and he's been going out of his way to try to spend time with me like trying to organise for our group of friends to get together whenever I have a night off work. He's a really great guy, he's funny and smart and we get along really well but I'd never considered him in that way before. My friend pointed it out to me that she thought he liked me a couple of weeks prior but I just had never thought of him in that way. I have a dilemma though... and before anyone says anything I know that its quite superficial and its by no means a major factor in whether I can see us in a relationship, but its just something thats been bugging me that i wanted to ask about.

So the dilemma is that im not hugly physically attracted to him... Hes not ugly at all but I just dont feel physically attracted to him that much. So firstly do you think that as I (if I) grow to love his Godly character physical attraction will grow to? Secondly there are a few things that he could do to help the process along and I dont know if its appropriate to tell him and if it is ok how? So things like the way he dresses, he will often wear corduroy beige long pants and board shorts with joggers and cant for the life of him coordinate colours. Is it appropriate for me to say to him that he needs to get a bit of a wardrobe update? if so how do i do it?

anyway I hope that makes some sense :p
thanks in advance!!
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#2
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#2
Yes, attraction physically will grow as your care for each other grows... but as the Song of Solomon says, "do not awaken love before it's time". Enjoy the who of who he is... his heart and mind.. and attraction will grow.

And no, you don't come out and say anything about his clothes outright, but you compliment the items you especially like -watch him wear those more often. (I'm not trying to be manipulative here, but most of us try to please the person we care about). If his clothing choices are really a hindrance for you, take that to God in prayer. Clothing choices are such a small portion of who we are.
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#4
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#4
Personally, how someone looks changes when I get to know them. I've seen gorgeous men and the moment they begin talking their looks fade because their heart is ugly. How someone dresses does matter a little, but more so, it's who they are that matters. I'll bet you he doesn't like things about you. And yet, he pursues you. Have you considered that? If you like who this guy is, are you going to let how he dresses get in the way?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#6
Aug 13, 2014
24,910
8,163
113
#6
Louise31: Hmm, if he had someone to tell him what looked good maybe...

I know many men who depend on their wives to tell them what to wear. They know they don't have any fashion sense, they freely admit it and they are glad their wives care enough to help them out with it.

Yeah, I know you're not his wife. But in the absence of one, you might mention what looks good on him. Nothing forward, don't say "Man, that outfit looks horrible!" But do tell him when he looks nice.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#7
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#7
If this is mostly a wardrobe issue, problem easily solved. Show him pictures of what you think "would look great on him". Tell him what colors you think he looks good in. This is really a pretty simple thing to resolve. You don't need to criticize his clothing. Just suggest things that you like and see what he does.

As for attraction... I'd just relax, get to know him, enjoy your time with him, and see what happens. I agree with Aimee - the way someone looks definitely changes (enhances or declines) based on what I see of their spirit and attitude toward others.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#8
#8
Louise31 said:
Hey guys! Just looking for a little advice...

So theres this guy. Were pretty good friends and have known each other for over a year now and we hang out quite a bit with a mutual friend. Its become clear that he likes me, in that he has begun texting me a lot (which is abnormal for him because he's not a texter), we've messaged every day for the past week and for multiple hours at a time just chatting about everything and anything and he's been going out of his way to try to spend time with me like trying to organise for our group of friends to get together whenever I have a night off work. He's a really great guy, he's funny and smart and we get along really well but I'd never considered him in that way before. My friend pointed it out to me that she thought he liked me a couple of weeks prior but I just had never thought of him in that way. I have a dilemma though... and before anyone says anything I know that its quite superficial and its by no means a major factor in whether I can see us in a relationship, but its just something thats been bugging me that i wanted to ask about.

So the dilemma is that im not hugly physically attracted to him... Hes not ugly at all but I just dont feel physically attracted to him that much. So firstly do you think that as I (if I) grow to love his Godly character physical attraction will grow to? Secondly there are a few things that he could do to help the process along and I dont know if its appropriate to tell him and if it is ok how? So things like the way he dresses, he will often wear corduroy beige long pants and board shorts with joggers and cant for the life of him coordinate colours. Is it appropriate for me to say to him that he needs to get a bit of a wardrobe update? if so how do i do it?

anyway I hope that makes some sense :p
thanks in advance!!
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If you can't take him as he is then you aren't really interested in him, but what you think you can make him into.

Looks can seem improve as you learn about a persons personality, but if you've known him a year, are both attracted to each other, but still can't get past his looks, then chances are you won't find him physically attractive in 5 years either.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#9
#9
It sounds like you need to do some spiritual growing here ASAP. Ask yourself some painful questions about where this thought process is coming from.

If you've met a man of God who hasn't crossed the line with you for a year now, and he's decided he want's to pursue you, you'd do well to let him pursue.

So what if he's not a snazzy dresser - that can be changed ya know. Look at his heart.

DuchessAimee said:
Personally, how someone looks changes when I get to know them. I've seen gorgeous men and the moment they begin talking their looks fade because their heart is ugly. How someone dresses does matter a little, but more so, it's who they are that matters. I'll bet you he doesn't like things about you. And yet, he pursues you. Have you considered that? If you like who this guy is, are you going to let how he dresses get in the way?
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See, Aimee gets it (though she usually does).

No one is perfect. If someone has a good heart, I'm not even sure why their wardrobe is even all that important - like at all.

Settling for "has a good heart and gives us the time of day" isn't really settling.

Grace-Like-Rain said:
If this is mostly a wardrobe issue, problem easily solved. Show him pictures of what you think "would look great on him". Tell him what colors you think he looks good in. This is really a pretty simple thing to resolve. You don't need to criticize his clothing. Just suggest things that you like and see what he does.

As for attraction... I'd just relax, get to know him, enjoy your time with him, and see what happens. I agree with Aimee - the way someone looks definitely changes (enhances or declines) based on what I see of their spirit and attitude toward others.
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Yet another strong woman who's giving you very sound advice here.

Give this guy a chance. You have absolutely no idea what's going through his mind. He might have a side to him you've never seen yet that you find you can't live without.

You have something to gain and nothing to lose.


Do it! It sounds like he's being a man about this and doing most of the pursuing any ways.
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#10
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#10
Louise31 said:
So the dilemma is that im not hugly physically attracted to him... Hes not ugly at all but I just dont feel physically attracted to him that much. So firstly do you think that as I (if I) grow to love his Godly character physical attraction will grow to? Secondly there are a few things that he could do to help the process along and I dont know if its appropriate to tell him and if it is ok how? So things like the way he dresses, he will often wear corduroy beige long pants and board shorts with joggers and cant for the life of him coordinate colours. Is it appropriate for me to say to him that he needs to get a bit of a wardrobe update? if so how do i do it?
Click to expand...
A few thoughts:

First of all, you've known him for a year. What's stopping you from appreciating his Godly qualities now?

Secondly, have you ever been anyone's project? How would it make you feel if someone said, "Dear, you'd be just perfect if you lost a little weight and did your hair like this or that?"

How is it LOVE if you make someone a project to fit your specifications? For that matter, how is it love if your agenda is that someone fit very particular specifications in order that you would be pleased?

If you're not into him, just be honest about it. It's not like it's a crime to not be into every person we meet and get to know. But the kind of over-analyzed machinations to try and make him "perfect" for you seem to be a bit selfish and unloving to me.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#13
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
113
#13
Louise31 said:
Hey guys! Just looking for a little advice...

So theres this guy. Were pretty good friends and have known each other for over a year now and we hang out quite a bit with a mutual friend. Its become clear that he likes me, in that he has begun texting me a lot (which is abnormal for him because he's not a texter), we've messaged every day for the past week and for multiple hours at a time just chatting about everything and anything and he's been going out of his way to try to spend time with me like trying to organise for our group of friends to get together whenever I have a night off work. He's a really great guy, he's funny and smart and we get along really well but I'd never considered him in that way before. My friend pointed it out to me that she thought he liked me a couple of weeks prior but I just had never thought of him in that way. I have a dilemma though... and before anyone says anything I know that its quite superficial and its by no means a major factor in whether I can see us in a relationship, but its just something thats been bugging me that i wanted to ask about.

So the dilemma is that im not hugly physically attracted to him... Hes not ugly at all but I just dont feel physically attracted to him that much. So firstly do you think that as I (if I) grow to love his Godly character physical attraction will grow to? Secondly there are a few things that he could do to help the process along and I dont know if its appropriate to tell him and if it is ok how? So things like the way he dresses, he will often wear corduroy beige long pants and board shorts with joggers and cant for the life of him coordinate colours. Is it appropriate for me to say to him that he needs to get a bit of a wardrobe update? if so how do i do it?

anyway I hope that makes some sense :p
thanks in advance!!
Click to expand...
I would definitely hold off on telling him how he can make you like him better.

If you're not attracted to him for who he is (both physically and umm..personality-ly(?)), then its best to not pursue it any further.. but if later on you do find that there's a side of him you didn't see before that makes you like him.. go for it.

Just don't make him think that you'd like him if he simply changes some things about himself. That would just end badly for both of you.
 
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Louise31

Guest
#14
#14
Thanks guys! ServantStrike said that I need to do some spiritual growing ASAP and I feel like thats exactly what I need. Thanks for all your godly wisdom and advice you've given me here. I think the world influences us in ways we don't see until they're pointed out to us and I think this is one of those things for me. But as most of you have said his looks shouldn't matter at all because they can change but even if they never do its whats in his heart, namely Christ that matters. He definitely has a godly heart and a desire to be like Christ and thats what I find attractive about him and thats enough for me... we'll see where it goes from here then, but from my part Ima let him persue :)

Thanks!!
 
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