Alien in the world

[Deadtosin]

So, a sister on here suggested I start this thread.

Here is the situation. God is everything- now that doesn't mean I don't have room to love someone else (indeed I desire that) but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I approach someone I find attractive? and when I do of course my first REAL question is Christ. Which of course dives into a much more serious conversation. So what ends of happening is my personal desire of a family gets set "WAY" aside because the most important subject IS God and our growth in Him.

Then even if they are "christian" I don't think we are on the same page as to the importance of His role in all that we are and do, because from the beginning of the "Godly conversation" anything that may have seemed like courtship goes out the window as they feel they are being preached to.

I have spoken to one Godly woman who was interested in more, but she wasn't interested in the biblical role of husband wife. She felt God gave her authority over all people (even her husband) so that filtered through the drain hole as well.

On that note I am no longer actively seeking. I've settled into a state of only doing Gods work. Now I fully believe that in these times that may be all God intends for me and I'm okay with that. However I read a statement where a real lady won't chase a man, which means she needs to be approached and many women may feel like that- then the question goes full circle- am I supposed to approach a woman and how? lol

 

[PopClick]

Um... I guess the only thing I have to say, is to probably wait until somebody really catches your eye before you approach her. If you approach girls before you know anything about them, before you even know if they are Christian or not, you won't find many that match up with what you're looking for. But if you notice somebody at church or wherever who seems to have a good mindset and shows fruit of the Spirit and you think there might be something there, then strike up a conversation with her to find out more about her.

That isn't to say that you should stay away from ladies if you aren't interested in them. Of course you should still be friendly to them, and share about Christ, etc. But if you're kind of scanning the crowd, so to speak, and on the lookout for someone who might be more than a friend... I think that's a good way to experience a lot of let-downs. I would also personally recommend praying about it before you approach a lady with dating in mind, but I know everyone has different comfort levels and different relationships with God, so this is probably an individual thing.

I hope that helps a little?

 

[Olerica]

Well, I pretty much agree with Popclick here. Make friends with people... both women and men people where you are and doing what you do. If there is a woman people who catches your eye with her CHARACTER and her heart for Jesus.... get to know her a bit better. I guess that's sorta what I'm doing. Just enjoying the people who are around me.

Someday, a man will find me interesting enough to strike up a conversation and get to know the parts of me that I don't share here and brave enough let me see him, warts and all. Because we're focused on the same/similar things (God, ministry, industry, etc) we're going to have things to talk about and a relationship will build, or it won't. I do want to marry again, but I certainly won't die if it doesn't happen for me.

But yes, relax, enjoy getting to know people in your sphere. If there aren't any... start praying. Well, actually start there... in prayer.

 

[Blain]

So, a sister on here suggested I start this thread.

Here is the situation. God is everything- now that doesn't mean I don't have room to love someone else (indeed I desire that) but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I approach someone I find attractive? and when I do of course my first REAL question is Christ. Which of course dives into a much more serious conversation. So what ends of happening is my personal desire of a family gets set "WAY" aside because the most important subject IS God and our growth in Him.

Then even if they are "christian" I don't think we are on the same page as to the importance of His role in all that we are and do, because from the beginning of the "Godly conversation" anything that may have seemed like courtship goes out the window as they feel they are being preached to.

I have spoken to one Godly woman who was interested in more, but she wasn't interested in the biblical role of husband wife. She felt God gave her authority over all people (even her husband) so that filtered through the drain hole as well.

On that note I am no longer actively seeking. I've settled into a state of only doing Gods work. Now I fully believe that in these times that may be all God intends for me and I'm okay with that. However I read a statement where a real lady won't chase a man, which means she needs to be approached and many women may feel like that- then the question goes full circle- am I supposed to approach a woman and how? lol

I only have this to say- Wait on the Lord

 

[Deadtosin]

I appreciate all of your feedback. I don't attend a church organization as my schedule doesn't allow, my sphere of people's is fairly small outside of my distant friends (I just moved across the country) I don't participate in most of the "things" of the world and honestly I don't really feel comfortable with small talk. Ill talk briefly but then feeling awkward ill end the conversation. As far as waiting on The Lord now THAT is something I'm comfortable with. I just don't like thinking I could be doing more. I'm not a very approachable guy. I don't let emotions appear on my face so I always look serious. I side effect of my past I'm sure. I don't really have any idea what I'm supposed to do, I wish there were more Christian meeting spots throughout the evening. I'm thinking Christian karaoke, maybe a coffee area and bean bag chairs? Games? Anyone want to invest? This could be something.

 

[Olerica]

LOL. There might be a reason a few of us spend time here. Where I'm at? I don't know of any single Christian men within 10 years of my age. Yet, I believe that God has called me here... at least for now. I'm comfortable with where I am, but unlike how you perceive yourself, I think I'm rather approachable.

God has good stuff for us... no matter what it is.

 

[melita916]

God has good stuff for us... no matter what it is.

that's a whole sermon right there!

 

[cinder]

So, a sister on here suggested I start this thread.

Here is the situation. God is everything- now that doesn't mean I don't have room to love someone else (indeed I desire that) but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I approach someone I find attractive? and when I do of course my first REAL question is Christ. Which of course dives into a much more serious conversation. So what ends of happening is my personal desire of a family gets set "WAY" aside because the most important subject IS God and our growth in Him.

Then even if they are "christian" I don't think we are on the same page as to the importance of His role in all that we are and do, because from the beginning of the "Godly conversation" anything that may have seemed like courtship goes out the window as they feel they are being preached to.

I have spoken to one Godly woman who was interested in more, but she wasn't interested in the biblical role of husband wife. She felt God gave her authority over all people (even her husband) so that filtered through the drain hole as well.

On that note I am no longer actively seeking. I've settled into a state of only doing Gods work. Now I fully believe that in these times that may be all God intends for me and I'm okay with that. However I read a statement where a real lady won't chase a man, which means she needs to be approached and many women may feel like that- then the question goes full circle- am I supposed to approach a woman and how? lol

Well, here's an attempt at some honest feedback. I imagine you are coming across as rather religious and stifling to your prospective ladies. I'm not so sure that followers of Jesus were ever meant to spend all of their time in Bible study and church activities. God and a person's relationship to him are important, especially in a dating context, but someone who makes me feel like I'm being preached at or being compared against a checklist to see if I'm "Christian" enough is going to lose any chance he had really fast.

So the best advice I can give is 1) be more casual and less direct with your questions and statements. Don't test her faith level as much as revealing your own. Talk about what God is teaching you or some really cool thing you read in the Bible recently. If she shares that interest or can talk about it intelligently, then she's probably a believer. Ask her if she has plans for Sunday, if she's serious about church attendance she'll let you know she has church in the morning and won't be free until such and such a time. 2) get to know the rest of her. Godly character should be evident in a person just by observation (and is a much better measure of godliness than answering a lot of questions) so talk about what she enjoys, the music she listens to. her thoughts on the last movie she watched or book she read, what does she do in her free time, what is her job and does she plan stick with that job, etc. How she talks about things will give you a pretty good clue as to the attitudes and character in her heart. The topic you're actually talking about isn't as relevant to as you might think.

Bottom line, to win a woman's heart you have to convince her that you think she is incredible, interesting, and valuable as who she is now today. And it's the whole package, not faith is important and all the other stuff is a whole lot less relevant. So be fully human and get to know the fully human her. You are both so much more than just your faith in God.

 

[Deadtosin]

Thank you, that was good advice. I've been reflecting on it and the part that keeps echoing is that we are much more than our relationship with Christ. Then it dawned on me. I don't have anything else but my relationship with Christ. No other music. No other shows, nothing. Any activities I like are all about being healthier for any situation God puts me in or appreciating His creation. Besides God, health and serving people for God I have nothing. What then? I should just be alone?

 

[Olerica]

No, Deadtosin, not at all.

I'm reminded of the parable of the servants and the talents in Matthew 25:14 - 30. Using your talents (for God, CERTAINLY) in your life makes you an interesting and diverse person. And as you develop your talents, God gives more. Yes, yes, I know that in the story the talent was a financial thing, but I think it translates to what we call a talent too.

Anyway, it's fine if worship music or holy music is your only interest. That your focus is on serving God. Those are worthy things... and enough to attract a woman. But if you are sitting home alone with your Bible, not having a relationship with anyone? Well, you probably aren't going to meet a woman.

So, you've moved across country. Find a church body and get plugged in. Go where you are ministered to, where you are being fed and find a way to get involved. Lots of churches have alternative meeting times... Wednesdays, or Saturday evenings, or... because lots of schedules don't accommodate Sunday mornings.

It's kinda neat here too. There are some lovely people. Just get to know them and see what happens. You just never know!

 

[Deadtosin]

Thanks!

 

[cinder]

Thank you, that was good advice. I've been reflecting on it and the part that keeps echoing is that we are much more than our relationship with Christ. Then it dawned on me. I don't have anything else but my relationship with Christ. No other music. No other shows, nothing. Any activities I like are all about being healthier for any situation God puts me in or appreciating His creation. Besides God, health and serving people for God I have nothing. What then? I should just be alone?

I've been kind of going through something similar and realizing that pretty much everything I do is God / church / ministry based. This isn't a bad thing, but I got into the ministry mindset so bad that I've come close to losing my sense of self. Or another way to say it would be I've gotten so caught up in duty and what I should do that I feel bad about just doing what I like to do and I've started forgetting what that is. So while a relationship with Christ should touch every aspect of life and be a significant part of anything we do, we also need to find the things we just flat out enjoy for enjoyment's sake. As for me, I'm starting to consider that maybe the "normal" and proper Christian life looks a whole lot less like organized ministry programs and being spiritual and a whole lot more like living a perfectly "normal" life in an extraordinary way that reflects God.

A few more random things to say: 1) moving to a new city is always tough and often lonely for a while especially for us introverted logical types, there's nothing wrong with you for having a difficult time adjusting to a cross country move. 2) in order to build a solid relationship and eventually marriage you will have to see that woman you are in relationship with as your primary ministry, superseding all others. My friend tells a story about a guy she almost dated who talked about how much he admired this other minister, a minister who was so dedicated to God that even when his son was deathly ill he didn't interrupt his ministry trip but carried on with his ministry (leaving his wife alone to care for their son who eventually did die). This priority of ministry over family was one of the things that convinced my friend not to date him. 3) Advice I would be wise to heed myself but haven't yet: do an activity every week that has nothing to do with anything you feel like you are supposed to be doing. Some of my things have been board or card games with friends (including looking up a board gaming group that meets once a month and joining them), hiking (alone or with a friend), stupid online video games, etc. 4) set a standard of growing, not already perfect, for potential dates. A willingness to grow and change and consider new perspectives and information is a much more important lifeskill for a happy marriage than a woman who just already agrees with everything you think about God or seems to have this Christian life thing figured out already. You can also work on the same in yourself if you need to so that when you are presented with a different viewpoint your first response sounds more like… "tell me how you came to that conclusion", rather than "no, you're wrong, that's not what the Bible teaches".

All the best to you and hope you feel more connected to and at home in your new community soon.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

As far as waiting on The Lord now THAT is something I'm comfortable with. I just don't like thinking I could be doing more.

Good, because there is a likelihood you could be doing more than just "waiting." That kind of advice is sound in the right context, and perhaps dangerous in the wrong context.