Would you date someone with debt?

MollyConnor · Nov 28, 2015

Hey ya'll! So I was wondering about debt and how crazy it's gotten in this country, especially. People will get credit cards and max them out just to buy extravagant Christmas gifts!

I personally don't have any debt: no credit cards, no student loans (or any loans for that matter) and I don't owe my car. I got is used when I was 24. I didn't own a car until last year.

It's just that my mom taught me to save and to never go in debt for anything if it can be avoided. I once owed my school $200 and I paid them off quickly because having debt like that freaks me out! I don't want to drown in it like some of my friends are.

I have one friend who went to a private university for nursing and she now owes $103,000 in student loans!!! She didn't even finish her degree.

Anyways, how important is a debt free loved one or a debt free marriage? Or how much is too much debt?

I know a lot of my generation has student loans. So I guess I should expect that my future partner would have some? I don't know...But I have heard that money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. So I would definitely be hesitant with larger amounts.

So yeah...I wanted to know what everyone's opinion on these things is. For those of you who are married, is debt a huge issue for you?

If you were to find a perfect (or near perfect) girlfriend/boyfriend but they has a lot of debt...would you still give them a chance?

This is just a discussion thread...I'm not worried about it but curious about everyone's views on it! I haven't met anyone that I'm considering right now so yeah...haha just a discussion thread. Seoul is mentoring me!

Also, I can't finish without recommending the wonderful Dave Ramsey! (he's a Christian financial radio host/author)
Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan - daveramsey.com

TLDR: Just look at the bold parts.

Utah · Nov 28, 2015

Depends on the debt:

School loans, car loans, house payments, legitimate medical bills -- yeah, no worries.

Credit card debt because of compulsive shopping, pricey vacations, plastic surgeries, etc -- nope!

Run, Forrest! Run!

Agricola · Nov 28, 2015

Nothing wrong with dating someone who has debt, but you have to consider what type of debt it is and how much is owed.

Many people can live quite happily with debts and assume they can manage, and some people can and that is how they roll living off credit and borrowing, but when it bites you in the backside, well people worry, it can cause a lot of problems with personal life, depression, stress, high blood pressure, eating disorders and so on.

What you have to be aware of is how would this impact on a relationship, sure you may like someone, but how is that relationship going when the other person is continually thinking about their debt and worrying about all the problems that come with the debts, threat of eviction, repossession, court appearance and so on.

Another point of contention will be pressure to pay off debt, if you have several thousand dollars squirrelled away and your new boyfriend keeps on and on how his debts are making his life hell, doing the whole thing of breaking down and crying, are you going to give in and let him have the money? Stupid if you do.

Nothing wrong with seeing someone with financial problems, but it can create plenty of problems which would not arise had there been no debt to start with, debt is not good to be in, but it is a fact of life, any form of borrowing is debt, and really most people with a mortgage are in debt!

There is no right or wrong answer and no simple answer, each case has to be judged on by its own merits.

SkittlePumpkin · Nov 28, 2015

Yes, debt in marriage can be extremely unpleasant XD But it's not only about what kind of debt you have, but also the character of you/your spouse, and how both of you view money. It can be made easier if you both lean on Christ.

mochi · Nov 28, 2015

I dont have problem dating someone with debt.. BUT i will think twice if he isnt hard worker/lazy and not smart on spending his own money..

Lynx · Nov 28, 2015

For some reason I can't help thinking of that FreeCreditReport.com commercial. The one where a guy was practicing with his band in their (tiny) house - drummer was sitting on the toilet, but the lid was down and his pants were up - and they were singing about how he married a lady and didn't know her credit was bad, so now they are married his credit is bad too.

Sorry, my brain's random associative memory is strong. Carry on.

Lynx · Nov 28, 2015

Ah, found it.

[video=youtube;Vm5WMEv3moM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm5WMEv3moM[/video]

MollyConnor · Nov 28, 2015

Lynx said:

I LOVE the freecreditreport.com commercials with the band! Those were awesome and so true!

Hellooo · Nov 28, 2015

Existing debt is not a deal breaker for me, I'm more concerned with spending/savings behavior and living a lifestyle beyond ones means.

cmarieh · Nov 28, 2015

I must say that having some sort of debt is actually healthy for ones credit because it gives you an opportunity to build your credit so that one day you can purchase a home or other big purchase with a good interest rate and in the long run is healthy. Student loans for one are excellent for building credit because most of them don't start adding interest until you graduate or go below half time, like the subsidized loan.

If you purchase everything with cash which I will admit is nice to do, but it doesn't benefit you long term. I just think it's smarter to think about the positives and negatives in regards to debt. I do have a credit card, but I hardly ever use it.

JonahLynx · Nov 28, 2015

Money is the least of my concerns.

Not holding my breath when it comes to returning the favor though.

Bellefemmebeni · Nov 28, 2015

It all depends on the debt but it also depends on how comfortable the other person is with dating someone in debt. It can cause a lot of stress but with school and kids and bills, most of Americans are in debt for those reasons. My worst debt right now are my student loans, which are under 25k and I still have another year to go. With 2 kids, full time college and working, babysitter and daycare and bills, I am doing fine and am planning on taking care of the smallest ones next year so that when I graduate, I can only focus on the loans. If I find someone to marry, I don't expect him to help me or take any of my debts either because I caused them but I will not let it get in our relationship either so it all depends on how much and how the debtfree person feels about it. It definitely can be a drainer.

Shamrocker · Nov 28, 2015

I have debt. I'm working hard at paying it off,

I now have more debt due to a car rollover I was in Aug,

Maybe, it's all in the kind of debt.

Roh_Chris · Nov 28, 2015

It really depends on -

1) What is her magnitude of debt? How did the debt come about (lifestyle, unforeseen expenses, misfortune, etc.)?
2) What is her plan A and plan B to pay off the debt?
3) How is the debt going to affect our lifestyle together, as a family?

On the face of it, it is not a major red flag to me. Her plan (or the absence of it) is what will decide how I respond.

zeroturbulence · Nov 29, 2015

I want a woman with traditional debt.

seoulsearch · Nov 29, 2015

This is an excellent topic, Molly!!! Some time ago, I actually read about a dating site in which people build profiles around their credit scores--it's like those sites for extremely good-looking people who want to date within the same "pool" except it's based on credit.

Shallowness aside, debt and spending habits are really important to consider.

* I had a manager whose daughter was getting married--both she and her fiance were studying to be pilots, and together they already had half a million dollars' debt in loans. That's not even including cars or housing. I'm not saying the payoff can't be worth it (though the story wasn't as happy as they'd hoped, as they both were having a tough time finding jobs) or that debt should stop people from getting married, but that's a lot to take on in a new marriage and in your early 20's.

* When I got married, my then-husband told me he had X in the bank--a very modest amount, especially since we were broke college students, but we were working out a budget and so I told him what I had in my account too and we kind of figured out what bills we were going to pay. The very next day after we got married, I decided to clean his car from him and found some receipts. We had been dating almost 3 years--I trusted him in everything.

He actually had nothing in the bank... and about $10,000 worth of debt he hadn't told me about at all. I was pretty much having a panic attack. I'd never been in a situation where I wasn't able to pay my bills. And every time we worked down the debt, he'd simply open more cards and wouldn't tell me. I'd just find miscellaneous bills here and there and it was sheer panic the entire time.

The only fortunate thing is that he always opened them in just his name (because he always hid them from me)... so when he decided to leave the marriage, he took his debt with him. Which brings me to my next point:

* Always be very careful of any kind of joint debt (credit cards, loans, etc.) If the relationship doesn't work out, they will come after you. I know an older couple in the ministry and when the husband died a few years ago, his wife found out he had secretly charged up several thousands of dollar on a card that was in his name only. If her name had been on it, they would have come after her.

* Worldly or not, money issues are the number one cause of divorce, whether or not you're a Christian. Finding someone with an "equal yoke" definitely includes compatible money management skills.

I took a college economics class in which the teacher actually taught that as long as you could pay the minimum balance every month, you could take on as much debt as you wanted, because when you die, it would be come someone else's problem.

For me, personally, this goes against everything I was ever taught about money, and I would never feel comfortable committing to a situation built on a philosophy of "live it up today because we can always push our irresponsibility on someone else tomorrow".

Siberian_Khatru · Nov 29, 2015

Your mom taught you well, Molly!

Although I have no intention of dating, something like this would be subjective. Why are they in debt? Did life throw a lot at them? Or do they have poor money management skills?

Granted, both can be worked through - or I could avoid the whole affair and stay single. *strokes imaginary beard in pondering*

seoulsearch · Nov 29, 2015

seoulsearch said:

The reason I want to emphasize this is because most people don't realize how serious it is until it's too late.

Let's say your spouse or significant other wants to add you to their credit card account or "give you" an "extra" card in "your" name. (Or wants you to co-sign on something, etc.) If that person defaults on that card or falls too far behind in paying, they will see your name on the account and then target YOU for payment.

If you can't pay, it's a harsh reality that your credit history can be ruined for life (and you'll never be able to get a loan for a car, house, or school) and, worst case scenario, you could even wind up in jail or with serious legal problems that will follow you for the rest of your life--all because someone else didn't pay their bills on an account you might not have had anything to do with.

I totally get wanting to be loving, forgiving, and understanding of someone's debt/money problems (believe me, I learned through trial... and mostly error!), but it's important to also take steps to protect your own credit history as well.

I'm also thinking of a time when two co-workers wanted me to cosign on a loan for a new computer they wanted... And, seeing all the issues they had in their own lives... I am so glad I declined.

Lynx · Nov 29, 2015

Two thoughts on what seoulsearch wrote:

1. I wonder how that econ teacher is doing today.

2. Getting a loan for a computer?! You get a loan for a house. Maybe for a car. For a computer? If you have to get a loan for a computer I gotta know what you are doing with that computer. Figuring how to pay the national debt? Running water turbulence analysis along a submarine hull simulation? Playing 36 world of warcraft accounts at once? (Don't laugh, some guy actually has 36 WoW accounts.) I can see a loan for a house or car, but for a computer... If you can't afford it, don't get it.

seoulsearch · Nov 29, 2015

Lynx said:

I probably worded the situation incorrectly--sorry for any confusion.

This was YEARS ago, when tower computer systems were the only way to go. If I remember right, I was in a store with these co-workers and they tried to open a store credit card with which to buy their new computer system (for several thousand dollars) and wanted me co-sign on the card.

All I can say is... No. Way.

And as far as, "If you can't afford it, don't buy it,"-- this was the financial creed I was raised with.

No one would ever walk into a store with a banner that said, "EVERYTHING ON SALE!!! PRICES NOW 22% HIGHER!!!" And yet that's exactly what people are doing when they buy things they don't need with credit cards they can't pay off. And the interest snowballs every month it's left unpaid...

Would you date someone with debt?

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