Asking the dad to date??

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HannahColleen

Guest
#1
#1
Okay, so awhile back I was dating this guy (lets just say it didn't work out), once my brothers found out I was dating him they more or less freaked out because he "should" have asked my dad to date me... I'm 19... It seems unnecessary to me, they think because you should ask for the father daughters hand in marriage (I agree with that one) you have to ask for his blessing to date her, actually one of them said it was biblical. They said that if he doesn't ask the father to date the daughter then he has no respect for her, that much I know isn't true I know several guys that DIDN'T ask the dad to date the daughter and they have very much respect for her. One of my brothers got into a big fight with me about this today, I told him I wasn't going to require a guy to ask my dad to date me, then he got really mad at me. I just don't think its necessary. Sure I mean if he wants to ask that's great, that shows he does have respect, but if he doesn't ask that doesn't mean he doesn't have respect for me either. To me it always seemed like my brothers convictions, which are great I admire them for that but I don't think they should push their convictions on me. I don't know, am I wrong for not requiring him to ask my dad before we date?
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#2
#2
No, your brother is wrong. It's a good idea for your boyfriend to ask your dad for his permission (and that of your mum) if he were planning to marry you. But to date you? No.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#3
Mar 26, 2014
4,329
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#3
Sounds like you have over-protective brothers. What does your dad think about this question? I think fathers are supposed to protect their daughters (even after they turn 18) and in a healthy father daughter relationship that would include having some input on who the daughter dates and helping the daughter choose wisely who she will give her heart to. In our world, however, sometimes it is not practical for a guy to talk to your parents before expressing his interest in you and asking you for a date. Many guys haven't even been taught to consider that as something they should do. Are you "wrong"? I would only dare answer that question biblically and all I have to say on that score is that our modern concept of dating is completely foreign to the original cultures of the Bible, and remember the command to honor your father and mother. What honoring you parents looks like probably depends a lot on your family culture. If your parents feel disrespected then that is something you need to work out with them. As for your brothers, you or your parents could tell them that you appreciate their desire to make sure you don't get hurt but that their behavior in this situation only motivates you to keep your next relationship even more secret. They may need to come to terms with the fact that you are an adult now just as much as your parents did.

One final word of wisdom, there comes a time when the person you are dating should meet your family. When that is will be different depending on circumstances, but if someone doesn't want to meet your family and wants you to keep your relationship a secret from them that should be a big red flag.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
Yeah, i agree with whats said above, your brothers are being over protective, and even a little controlling. Typically that attitude doesn't just pop up out of nowhere, but there is probably a history of it in your family. Only now are you realizing it. Maybe it's your age and new found sense of freedom starting to build up. But it may be time to begin learning how to teach boundaries to your brothers to teach them that you will not find it acceptable when they begin making demands on how you live your life. In doing so you can express an appreciation for their concern, it's not about being mean or unappreciative. But controlling behavior needs to be stopped and the sooner the easier it will be. I suggest getting the book 'Boundaries' by Townsend/Cloud. Christian psychologists. The book helps you to learn how to teach people around you the limits you have for yourself in how they treat it. Its not about controlling others and forcing them to do your will, but teaching them that you will not tolerate certain behaviors, and providing consequences when they don't respect your boundaries.
And, on topic, i do not believe a parent needs to be asked for dating either. They told you it's biblical, but did you ask them to get a bible out and show you, in context, where?
 
MartyrNdaMaKn

MartyrNdaMaKn

Senior Member
#5
Jan 22, 2013
4,482
12
38
#5
Two simple answers, to date: No, to marry: most definitely. Brothers concern are appreciated, but not required, only comes down to parents approval.
 
W

ww_21

Guest
#6
#6
Asking to date- no. Asking to marry-yes.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
What if he wants to ask to raisin instead? Not everyone likes dates.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#9
#9
What your brothers describe is on the extreme end of the courting spectrum.

Basically, a suitor will talk to a young woman's father and tell him his intentions before he even talks to her. Over a certain age it doesn't even work as many times a man will have access to ask out a woman, but he won't have access to her father.

It places an awful lot of pressure on the suitor though. He's got to state his intentions before he even gets to know a woman. And some women find it offensive that a guy consults their father instead of them about relationship decisions that affect them.

I agree with others that a better solution is probably to wait until someone is at the "meet the family" stage to discuss this kind of thing. It really is a case by case basis though.
 
Pipp

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
#10
Sep 17, 2013
5,536
2,702
113
Georgia
#10
It wouldn't bother me if a guy wanted to ask my dad... I respect my parents opinion on such things. I do not however think it's a requirement...especially at my age. My little sisters fiance did ask my dad for permission to court her before they started their relationship.
 
TheAristocat

TheAristocat

Senior Member
#11
Oct 4, 2011
2,150
26
0
#11
HannahColleen said:
Okay, so awhile back I was dating this guy (lets just say it didn't work out), once my brothers found out I was dating him they more or less freaked out because he "should" have asked my dad to date me... I'm 19... It seems unnecessary to me, they think because you should ask for the father daughters hand in marriage (I agree with that one) you have to ask for his blessing to date her, actually one of them said it was biblical. They said that if he doesn't ask the father to date the daughter then he has no respect for her, that much I know isn't true I know several guys that DIDN'T ask the dad to date the daughter and they have very much respect for her. One of my brothers got into a big fight with me about this today, I told him I wasn't going to require a guy to ask my dad to date me, then he got really mad at me. I just don't think its necessary. Sure I mean if he wants to ask that's great, that shows he does have respect, but if he doesn't ask that doesn't mean he doesn't have respect for me either. To me it always seemed like my brothers convictions, which are great I admire them for that but I don't think they should push their convictions on me. I don't know, am I wrong for not requiring him to ask my dad before we date?
Click to expand...
I've never understand why the woman would want the man to ask their father for permission on anything. Asking the father if he can date the daughter seems to be respecting the father - not the daughter. I wouldn't ask a woman's father if I could date her, because the woman is old enough to make such decisions on her own. In cases of it being a woman and not just a girl it seems disrespectful to the woman (in my mind) to ask her father. Am I just confused? Or what's the logic behind asking the woman's father?
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#12
May 3, 2013
8,719
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0
#12
Although may sound ridiculous, recently I had conversations with someone who wnated to receive her silver or golden ring to start an "official" dating... She is 40, she has 3 children, but never had such a "naive" fantasy, so she asked me to ask her in front of her pastor (She lacks mother and father).

We talked on the subject. I never did the things right. I was used to go directly to get want I wnated, but I saw thing the "holy" way, so we conversed on the way (because my DAD is gone, I planned to use a friend and a pastor, to make it the naive way). We talked on being married!

Things changed! I don't miss that fantasy she asked me (although it would be somewhat costly and foolish) but, is life better doing my own way what I perfectly like to spoil, somehow?

Who knows! Opinions are opinions + dreams (and broken dreams). :)
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#13
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#13
TheAristocat said:
I've never understand why the woman would want the man to ask their father for permission on anything. Asking the father if he can date the daughter seems to be respecting the father - not the daughter. I wouldn't ask a woman's father if I could date her, because the woman is old enough to make such decisions on her own. In cases of it being a woman and not just a girl it seems disrespectful to the woman (in my mind) to ask her father. Am I just confused? Or what's the logic behind asking the woman's father?
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That was done TO SHOW COMMITTMENT!

Older times YOU HAD TO PAY money in GOLD, because everything was "arranged" (today it is a mess) and world may be seen as sinful as it it.

Family took care that woman NEVER LOOK at another while the day came to leave her family to move to her own new home. Sisters + brothers sheltered them to avoid social vampires to avoid being wooing a woman WHO nominatelly belonged to another man...

That's way the "romantic" and impractical way it still exist in some CULTURES... :p
 
TheAristocat

TheAristocat

Senior Member
#14
Oct 4, 2011
2,150
26
0
#14
secularhermit said:
That was done TO SHOW COMMITTMENT!

Older times YOU HAD TO PAY money in GOLD, because everything was "arranged" (today it is a mess) and world may be seen as sinful as it it.

Family took care that woman NEVER LOOK at another while the day came to leave her family to move to her own new home. Sisters + brothers sheltered them to avoid social vampires to avoid being wooing a woman WHO nominatelly belonged to another man...

That's way the "romantic" and impractical way it still exist in some CULTURES... :p
Click to expand...
So... short answer: vampires.

Is the father supposed to wrap a wreath of garlic cloves around the prospective male during this ritual?
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#15
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#15
Here are some words of TIFFANY which express that, in other way:

"Love is something you give not something that you receive." :rolleyes:


When Rebekka was ashd for Isaac, the same custom was asked, though Abarham wasn't present, except on the messenger and the THINGS he sent on behalf on his son: Isaac.

Rebekka agreed on and was sent with someone (those were the chaperons of OLD times). :)

Hey! young lady. I recommend you to have a CHAPERON to watch that 1st date.

Ha! Ha! :)

 
D

DarlinNadia

Guest
#16
#16
HannahColleen... All I can think of is that your brothers need a tray of bacon as a peace offering or something.. Maybe next time have your chosen suitors bring them a slab of bacon, 2 chickens, and a goat... ? I would be curious what type of Dowry your brothers assume you have to offer.

While their intentions are likely very good and pure... They might just want to keep your mom and dad in the loop... My son says he's not going to let his little sister date until she's 30...

My son is 23 and my daughter is 7.
 
Loveneverfails

Loveneverfails

Senior Member
#17
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#17
I think you already have the right attitude about this. You implie that had your bf asked for your fathers blessing, you would have appreciated it, but that it's not necessary.

As servantstrike said, this is an extreme take on courtship. My view is that traditional courtship is most easily applicable to a very young lady who still lives at home...on a practical level this makes sense because if she doesn't live at home it's a bit harder to ask for her parents' blessing.

My my boyfriend and I were friends before we started our relationship, but he did ask for my father's blessing prior to officially becoming more than friends. To me it was a sweet, respectful gesture.
 
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iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#18
#18
The first time I met my ex-wife's parents we had them over for lunch and about an hour & a half into us all hanging out I just her Dad asked me point blank,yet sort of jokingly "What are your intentions with my daughter?" And I looked him straight in the eye & said:"To marry her if she'll accept." Then went on to tell him that I was planning to move to England & that I had no intentions of asking her to uproot her life from her family & friends.
(Turned out that in the next few weeks I looked like a liar,'cause she came to me & said she wanted to move to America,and then told her parents we'd have the wedding in the UK,but she was moving) Anyways,I don't think it's a bad thing if you ask a parent for their daughter's hand in marriage,it's sort of courteous I suppose,but in the end the decision is hers & hers alone. It's always nice if her family likes and/respects you too.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#19
Apr 18, 2013
9,388
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#19
Before I ask a girl out, I always talk to her father.

I don't ask for permission... I just ask if there's anything wrong with her.

: )
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#20
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
838
113
#20
I love many conventions, but this is one that isn't worth bringing back.
 
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