Female Rivalry?

[MissCris]

I have a really hard time connecting with other women. I always have, to some extent, though it seems to get worse as I get older, and it's at it's very worst within Christian or conservative circles. I find that odd, as I would categorize myself as both of those things.

It used to be that I just didn't even really like women as people- I knew myself, and all the sneaky and vicious ways I could behave, and I saw that in the women around me. For a while, I thought maybe I was just projecting my own flaws onto them and judging them for it. That, or I was often finding myself feeling envious of them- their looks or their outgoing personality or the way people would gravitate to them. So for a long time, I just assumed that I didn't have any close female friends because of my own attitude- and that's partly true.

But there have been times when I've really tried, and even succeeded, to put aside my own issues with women and befriend them.
It's not ever really worked out.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but I've definitely noticed that this seems to happen to a lot of women, both on here and within my family and the few churches I've attended. Women seem to have a hard time connecting with each other.

Whyyyyy?
And has anyone else noticed or experienced this?

(I thought about putting this over in the "super-secret" ladies forum, but thought maybe some of the men could offer a more objective perspective)(which is kind of funny to me, given the topic)(I'm also getting a kick out of abusing the parenthesis)

 

[Raine]

I want women friends too!!! I would love to make women friends and hangout and laugh and talk about women things and cry about women things lol. But instead I just have to tell ugly everything and he gets to handle it all

I tend to struggle making friends in general though. In real life and on here. I am an introvert also so that probably doesn't help.

 

[biscuit]

I have a really hard time connecting with other women. I always have, to some extent, though it seems to get worse as I get older, and it's at it's very worst within Christian or conservative circles. I find that odd, as I would categorize myself as both of those things.

It used to be that I just didn't even really like women as people- I knew myself, and all the sneaky and vicious ways I could behave, and I saw that in the women around me. For a while, I thought maybe I was just projecting my own flaws onto them and judging them for it. That, or I was often finding myself feeling envious of them- their looks or their outgoing personality or the way people would gravitate to them. So for a long time, I just assumed that I didn't have any close female friends because of my own attitude- and that's partly true.

But there have been times when I've really tried, and even succeeded, to put aside my own issues with women and befriend them.
It's not ever really worked out.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but I've definitely noticed that this seems to happen to a lot of women, both on here and within my family and the few churches I've attended. Women seem to have a hard time connecting with each other.

Whyyyyy?
And has anyone else noticed or experienced this?

(I thought about putting this over in the "super-secret" ladies forum, but thought maybe some of the men could offer a more objective perspective)(which is kind of funny to me, given the topic)(I'm also getting a kick out of abusing the parenthesis)

My sister & I are very close and she would talk about it all the time and how it made her life miserable up to the age of 20. It dramatically changed after 20 because she got married (39 years). Those rivalries came to and end because of jealousies and they no longer wanted to be around her. My sister's husband became her best friend and they do everything together including a much smaller social circle with less competitive friends. Make no mistake about it she continue to have those women who try to 'stick it' to her because most of them aren't married or miserable with their boyfriends. Most of them are not happy with their relationships with men and often get vulgar and evil in their conversation, and my sister would often break away from them. At the end of the day, she forgets it when she opens the door to greet her loving husband.

 

[Pipp]

I have the same issue. I have lady friends but not super close ones.... hmm ... I know a few who years ago drew me in like I was the best thing ever only to find out later they were using me to get to my older (married) brother..... I stepped out of the picture soon as I found out...then they used her sister as a go between ....it of course lead to my brother and sister in law separating because of his unfaithfulness. ..worse part is the go between knew she was helping ruin a marriage and she did it anyways. Maybe I have a little bit of a trust issue... either way..it's a crappy situation involving women I was close to.

 

[MissCris]

Pipp, that stinks I can see why it would be hard for you to be close to women after that.

 

[gypsygirl]

i so get this.

i do have a few good female friends, but they're usually because we have history. i do connect with certain kinds of women, especially those who think like i do, but i've never lost too much sleep over this fact.

i think it's unrealistic to think we're going to connect with people, simply because we're all girls, all christians, or the like. i also seem to get along better with guys, but i think it's part of the magic of God's perfect creation.

if we all got along better with the same sex, i'm not sure that we'd have such a large earthly population. : )

things that often interfere with female friendships for me:

+ massive insecurities or neediness. i will not play the "no, really, you are so very pretty!" game. as a person and friend, i'm a complimentary person, but i hate it when i'm forced to play these insincere games. if you're my friend, i already think you're beautiful.

+they only want to talk about their husbands, babies or insist on telling me everything they ate that day

+if they're single, their entire orientation is on guys. like, finding one, keeping one, etc. i cannot be your friend if you can only look "over there".

+some women see other women as constant (sexual) competition, even when they're already married or spoken for. i was raised by one of these women, so i have an extreme dislike of any hint of this. a lot of women have these kind of tendencies, especially in subtlety.

but i'm not terribly tolerant of that, regardless of why you're that way. it's probably my biggest female friendship turnoff.

 

[Raine]

^your statement about growing population made me laugh

I am guilty...

I find it funny that if I give my girl friend advice she gets all offended but if a guy friend gives her the same exact advice it's suddenly okay and somehow I still turn out to be the witch. Sorry! Just looking out for your faith walk!

 

[MissCris]

Gypsygirl- yes! All that stuff.

Of course I don't expect to connect with every person I meet, and I don't expect to share common interests with every woman in my life or even feel a need to have all that many friends.
But I am finding it odd that women act this way with each other so much, especially the competition part. I haaaate when women do that. I've gotten the cold shoulder many times from women due to this (as far as I could figure, anyway...and I'm pretty good at figuring...sometimes). I've had that happen to me Here on CC before- long before anyone even knew my marriage was sorta doomed, even...there was a particular person long ago who saw every other woman here as competition, and acted sweet as could be to us publicly while saying to others in private that I shouldn't even be here, etc... And it turned out she was...well, that's maybe not a story for today. The point is, the competition thing torques my turkey, and I've caught myself a few times doing that.

What is it about women that can turn even the nicest, sweetest, most innocent or friendly of us so catty and petty sometimes? Yikes.

Edit: oh my goodness, I'm doing it even now. Heeeelllllllp!

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I have not experienced this problem that I know of. The key seems to be finding the few select people that you really "gel" with. Who understand and accept you, and vice versa, with all your flaws and strengths, and love you for them. I have been blessed in not having been in any friend groups where back stabbing or treachery, pettiness, drama, etc go on. (It has happened on the fringes, but not in my close friends.) I know it happens though.

 

[AcidBurn]

Hope i am not intruding into a women-only discussion...

I have talked to a few girls about this issue over the years and was surprised that alot of girls do not get very close to other girls. And i am talking about girls in christian circles.

With all the laughing and skinship and giggling i thought they were very close....
But when i asked them about the people in their lifes with whom they can share everything....
Talk about their serious failings.... often no one!!

I was shocked...
Is it difficult for you to trust other girls? or IS there good reason not to trust them?

 

[Lovesong]

I was lucky enough to be ousted by my so called friends. Which led to me being a loner in school. I had no real friends. I am Leary about most girls as friends myself. girls can be very vicious and means but so can I. I can be a good friend too though, I believe in real friendships. I am so warped I have yet to see one. You would be more cruel to me before you seen me as cruel to you. That's how I see it.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I'm becoming concerned... are there any women here who have strong female relationships? O_O

 

[Ugly]

I'm becoming concerned... are there any women here who have strong female relationships? O_O

While i'm sure you aren't the only one, from what i've heard you share of your situation with friendships, church, etc... you seem to have managed to be in the minority with the levels of closeness and support found in both of those areas. Few people i ever talk to feel the support and connection you do with your church.. and as is being reiterated in this thread, women don't seem to often be very close with one another. In fact, the Singles ladies seem to be among the closest i've seen women in some time.

 

[Fenner]

I have female friends, some I see more often than others. I have a couple in particular that I can laugh like crazy with. I used to have a group that I'd hang out with a lot, but we all got married and had kids, so we see each other when we can.

 

[gypsygirl]

ok, so i'm having trouble replying to your post, grace, but to your question.

i absolutely have female friends and support. and as you stated in your group, i have never experienced betrayal or backstabbing from my "good girlfriends".

my earlier post was a statement about why i don't have MORE female friends. because i'm aware of the fact that a number of women aren't well-suited for friendship with me. nothing against them, we're just not the same species.

oh, and i'm not a good shopper either. usually women invite me to go shopping for "things". i am not that kind of "wandering around the mall, looking for "things" kind of girl. i don't even like to bother with trying things on. i'd do all my shopping via internet if i could.

i probably have an equal number of female and male friendships.

 

[Lovesong]

I'm becoming concerned... are there any women here who have strong female relationships? O_O

Well...popclick is my only friend here I trust to relay my issues without judging me.

but with that I probably scared her away..Noooooo... Lol jk aka forever alone.~~~

 

[1still_waters]

I have noticed what comes across as an animalistic constant struggle to be queen of the herd. Always struggling to be the queen. Always wanting to be the prettiest/admired/noticeable, because in the animalistic herd mentality, the prettiest/most admired gets attention of the best from the man herd.

This constant struggle to be herd queen makes it difficult for fellow female members to be friends, because they don't know if each person is simply trying to angle their way to the queen position. Then with assumed suspicion, females can't develop close bonds. I mean it's hard to have close bonds with someone whom you're in competition with and suspicious of.

Generally men don't have this dynamic, due to various unsaid guy codes which establish certain boundaries. Plus we're not necessarily interested in having super close bonds as it is.

Or in a more simple explanation...

Some are not subjecting their sinful nature to the image of Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit, as they trust in what Jesus did for them on the cross.

 

[Raine]

Will other female CC users be my friend if I promise not to compete for male attention?

 

[Lovesong]

Will other female CC users be my friend if I promise not to compete for male attention?

I'll be your friend.

 

[blueorchidjd]

I have been struggling with this too all of my life due to my mother not really being a model figure in my life and breaking down the door of my earthly identity when I was younger, and through my unbelieving step mother harping verbal abuse on me as a child. For a long period of time, I always had a difficult time forming friendships with women and I blamed a lot of this on the women around me, and to be honest I absolutely disliked them. I always have disliked the idea of holding my identity on a pedestal through images that I have seen on television and in what the world told me was true femininity.
To fit in with other women, I had to have legs like those girls on the shaving cream commercials and wear dresses like those girls did in the 1950's soapbox advertisements.....but when it all came down to it, I felt more like Rosie the Riveter. Or a French woman who never took the time to shave her armpits before her wedding.
And then came the humor, I never understood the importance of keeping my mouth from unwholesome speech.
As you can see the directives above are because the world likes to play mixed messages when it comes to these things, demonstrating the importance of ladylike behavior through an elite society and women who work in auto shops with grease on their knees.
I liked being around women that were more like men, talked like men, worked like men, and had less feminine traits about them. I felt that this was the way to go, and I never felt women were as authentic about their personalities as men were. Or that, every time I would get close to a female friend the interaction would be absolutely draining...I would end up having to compete with her because she possessed something better than me. This was what the relationship was like with one of my best friends that held more 'Christianlike' qualities than me at the time. And the truth was, she was more articulate than I was, and still is....but the focus came down like this. I was formulating my identity on things of the world, what the world was saying about femininity. And I was broken down from my earthly identity, I was non-existent.
But now.
Now I formulate my identity on the Word of God.
And I am beginning to actually like to talk to Christian women.
God is also perfecting me, and now I know the importance of using wholesome speech