You're correct. He can't replace real flesh and blood. You can't go up to God and give Him a physical hug and He can't hold your physical hand as you cry.
My heart hurts thinking about what you must be going through with the autism. I had a foster child who was autistic and it was very difficult to help him at times during the day. I wasn't trained for it and didn't know what to expect. A couple of times while we had him, he had to be institutionalized for a few days during his rages.
One thing that touched my heart though was when he was a grown young man, he came to my home just to see me on a bicycle. He pedaled probably 7 miles to come and say hi. We had a short visit, recalled some funny stories and off he went back to his home.
So I really don't know what that must be like with the autism, but I probably have a very small glimpse of what it might be like. It's probably different for each person.
But I think I might know what it's like to stand out as different from all your siblings. There were 8 of us all together.
Everyone else had brown hair and brown eyes. I had blond hair and blue/green eyes. I was skinnier than the rest and had the straitest hair while others had curly or wavy hair.
We had a flood in our cellar when I was young and most of my mom's pictures of us as a family were destroyed. Although there were still some left of my siblings, there were none of me as a baby.
One of my brothers who knew that bothered me, constantly milked that emotional pain. So he began to say I was adopted and that was why there were no pictures of me and why I look so different from the rest of the family and why mom had no birth certificate of me. And then one of my sisters began to say the same thing. And they began to tell me I was unloved and not really part of the family. And I believed them because it all added up to me as a child.
So yeah, I've been different my whole life and I've begun to embrace it and say it's okay to be different. As an adult, during one of my visits back home, I went and got a birth certificate just to prove to myself that I was really one of them and not adopted. I don't think kids realize how much hurt and pain they can cause.
But I see God's hand in all of that and how He's used it in my life for my good.
One of the things I didn't know as a young believer that I do know now is that God does hug give hugs. Not physically, but emotionally/spiritually.
When I have cried and wept before the Lord as I endure this pain, (some days are so much more difficult than other days) one day I did something different that so changed me inside because I truly felt a hug from God. Spiritually and emotionally it was a hug from God.
And to be honest, maybe I should, but I try not to complain to anyone about what I go through. Who wants a friend who always complains, or who wants a wife that constantly talks about her painful days. I deliberately try to not talk about what I go through. I slip up once in a while, but most days I treat it as a taboo topic. And that's a very lonely journey to travel. I have one other friend who has pain every day too and we can console one another.
But back to the hug from God. Many might think this is weird and that's okay. But one morning I was siting in my chair and I just wanted to go bed. (I also have sleep issues.) I was tired, hurting and feeling like a zombie. I told myself, "another wasted day."
So I got my bible out and started reading it out loud. It was resting in one hand as I raised my hand to God, beseeching Him for help.
I was weeping and reading and praying all at the same time. I then began to turn the pages and my eyes caught a passage and I began thanking God for His promise for peace and comfort. I thanked Him that when the difficult times are here, that He's my strong tower and I can run to Him and be safe.
I want to soar as the eagle soars. I read out loud that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint. I began to thank God for all those promises and at that moment, I felt this excitement come over me, a joy had filled my soul and I felt so hugged by God at that moment. It's really hard to describe.
We all believe in miracles and how great and wondrous it is when God does an outside miracle like healing a leper, healing someone of lupus or arthritis or all the other maladies we can think of. Or maybe we've lost our diamond ring, or our car needs repair and we pray for provision and we see God's hand go to work to provide for us. What blessings He showers down upon us. What a great God of love, mercy and grace!
But at that moment, in that chair, God did a healing in my heart and soul - He hugged me. He really did. He hugged me and held me and after that encounter instead of going to bed like I had planned, I got into the shower, dressed and went about running errands. That was a big WOW in my life. To go from barely being able to think to running errands in town, that was a huge WOW!
I was so joyful, happy and I still have moments with God where I read the word out loud, I pray and thank Him for His promises in His word. That really helps me to hear the words and not just read them. It's a time of worship to God and it's beautiful. And so many scriptures we take to mean literally in the physical realm, might be for us in the spiritual realm. So instead of God healing me over the years, His grace really has been sufficient, just as it was for Paul with his thorn in the flesh. God's grace gets us through any and all difficulties. We may take us through the difficult times of life without the healing or whatever it is we're seeking from Him, but He's right there with us to empower us to continue on as His loving child, holding our hand and leading the way for us to walk. He said I'll never leave you nor forsake you. And He hasn't forsaken you History Princess. He's with you in your darkest hours of pain and suffering. When others can't hug you or give you a touch of love, He can. And it's precious, it's ecstatic!
I'm so grieving with you when you say no one else is available to give you a hug when you need it. All I've shared is unique to me. And your story is unique to you. But one thing we share in common is our Lord God who loves us more than anyone else does.
He knows more about you than your mom and dad and your siblings. He sees everything you do or don't do, He hears everything you say and don't say, He knows your heart, what you're thinking feeling, how you're hurting, how your life is difficult or when it's a good day. If your hairs are numbered and the sands of the sea are numbered, you know that He knows it all.
No one knows you or me and anyone else who loves Him, more intimately than our loving Heavenly Father. I find comfort in that!I will begin praying that the Lord will find you a wonderful husband and that your desires will be filled and also that He'll heal you.
But ultimately we all need to pray as Jesus did, "not my will Lord, but yours be done." And however God choose to lead us, He goes with us in power and grace to handle whatever He chooses for our lives.
And I hope that His choice for you is a loving and caring husband along with a healing!!!
