Are all addictions equal when it comes to mates?
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I really can relate to those thoughts a lot too. Here is what I would say: First of all, a relationship is not necessarily out of the question. While you cannot make a person stay in a relationship with you, you also cannot really make a person leave if they are determined to stay. And why would you if you love and care about them? Those people are keepers no doubt.
I want to share my story with you. I share this only because I believe in the power of the gospel at work in my life. I believe that sin does scar me, but it does not define me. I have battled pornography addiction for about 7 1/2 years now. It started when I bought a laptop with gift money after graduating high school. My parents never discussed anything with me related to that. I really had no warning. I just kind of wandered into it. It took me a long time to even tell anyone, but nearly a year later at the end of my freshman year I was able to confess that to a group of guys in the campus ministry I was involved with. It was pretty powerful for me. The battle has been up and down. I spent a summer on a missions project and hardly struggled at all. That was an unbelievably awesome summer. I transferred to a Christian university for my last three semesters, ironically had really no community or close friends, and struggled a lot. I moved home after graduating college and continued to struggle, but after about a year got plugged into an amazing church. I've since taken more and more steps toward recovery. I meet with my pastor regularly. He is the person who receives e-mails from my accountability software. My church has also conducted a weekend conference on the topic of pornography each of the last two years. As a result of the first one they held in 2013, I joined an accountability group in February 2014. It started out with twelve of us and dwindled down to around six. Two of the guys are college students and were gone for the summer while the four of us continued meeting weekly. I would say we maybe skipped five to six weeks out of the year. Through that time we have met weekly, taking time to confess any sin from the previous week to each other, working through an unbelievably helpful curriculum put together by Pure Desire Ministries, and praying for each other. We have each paired up with another guy in the group, and we make it a point to contact each other at least twice throughout the week to continue to keep each other accountable and root each other on. I have learned a lot about myself throughout this whole process, and I've learned even more about the unreal grace and mercy of God.
So with anything that I contribute to this thread, it's coming from that perspective. I don't expect to marry anybody until I've recovered from this addiction, and I hope to be plugged in with a group of men for the rest of my life so that I can stay accountable and upright, but also so that I can be an encouragement as well. I can't say I have broken free of the addiction yet, but I will. It is flipping hard for sure. I've heard it said that it's like being a recovering alcoholic walking around with a full bottle in your hand because of the triggers that are all over advertisements and in public. But there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.
Tying it back to what we've both said above, there is a guy in my accountability group who is a retired teacher, and he has a woman in his life that he calls his girlfriend. He has confessed to us his proclivity to hop on dating sites and chase other women at times, but she has stuck firmly by him for a long time. I think she's been a significant, godly encouragement to him. I really hope I see them get married one day. So while romance is not out of the question even for someone dealing with addiction, it really takes a person who is committed to going along for that ride with you and helping you climb out. That has to be up to them, though, and for anyone like me who is still dealing with an addiction, we have to be careful about manipulating anyone into being in a relationship with us that will more than likely be very difficult for them at times.
An addiction does not make you or me or anyone else unworthy of love. It's just that love doesn't only come in the form of romance. I am unbelievably blessed by the loving care of my pastor, my accountability group, and by other men in my life who want to see me flourish, not to mention the love of God, the most transformational love that exists.
With those things said, I think if the goal in a romantic relationship is to glorify God and lay ourselves down for our partner, it is not in anyone's best interest to pursue a relationship because it is almost guaranteed to be an unhealthy one. I believe, however, that anyone can break an addiction, and that has to be the number one priority before taking steps toward marriage with anyone. I personally believe there is a lot of wisdom in this, however in the end it is just my opinion.
I understand that this might be sensitive for you as you've been vehement about similar topics before, but I would like to know your point of view without the sarcasm. We can point fingers at each other's faults all day, but that is not what is happening in this thread. How does your opinion differ from those expressed so far?
No one who has struggled or is struggling with addiction is undeserving of love. No one is branding anyone with a scarlet letter. If that were the case, I'm just as deserving of one as anyone else. As I've already said, grace abounds for anyone who is struggling with addiction. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." I've only suggested that it's wise for a person to be removed from their addiction for a time before committing himself/herself to romance because an unhealthy person nearly guarantees an unhealthy relationship. Addiction is a serious and complicated thing. It just seems self-serving to me for a person to put someone in a position to get hurt because they want romance when there are other, healthier ways to find love and companionship. We are entirely forgiven and have been made white as snow in the sight of God, but that does not mean that our sin does not carry consequences, and we shouldn't overlook that.
I want to share my story with you. I share this only because I believe in the power of the gospel at work in my life. I believe that sin does scar me, but it does not define me. I have battled pornography addiction for about 7 1/2 years now. It started when I bought a laptop with gift money after graduating high school. My parents never discussed anything with me related to that. I really had no warning. I just kind of wandered into it. It took me a long time to even tell anyone, but nearly a year later at the end of my freshman year I was able to confess that to a group of guys in the campus ministry I was involved with. It was pretty powerful for me. The battle has been up and down. I spent a summer on a missions project and hardly struggled at all. That was an unbelievably awesome summer. I transferred to a Christian university for my last three semesters, ironically had really no community or close friends, and struggled a lot. I moved home after graduating college and continued to struggle, but after about a year got plugged into an amazing church. I've since taken more and more steps toward recovery. I meet with my pastor regularly. He is the person who receives e-mails from my accountability software. My church has also conducted a weekend conference on the topic of pornography each of the last two years. As a result of the first one they held in 2013, I joined an accountability group in February 2014. It started out with twelve of us and dwindled down to around six. Two of the guys are college students and were gone for the summer while the four of us continued meeting weekly. I would say we maybe skipped five to six weeks out of the year. Through that time we have met weekly, taking time to confess any sin from the previous week to each other, working through an unbelievably helpful curriculum put together by Pure Desire Ministries, and praying for each other. We have each paired up with another guy in the group, and we make it a point to contact each other at least twice throughout the week to continue to keep each other accountable and root each other on. I have learned a lot about myself throughout this whole process, and I've learned even more about the unreal grace and mercy of God.
So with anything that I contribute to this thread, it's coming from that perspective. I don't expect to marry anybody until I've recovered from this addiction, and I hope to be plugged in with a group of men for the rest of my life so that I can stay accountable and upright, but also so that I can be an encouragement as well. I can't say I have broken free of the addiction yet, but I will. It is flipping hard for sure. I've heard it said that it's like being a recovering alcoholic walking around with a full bottle in your hand because of the triggers that are all over advertisements and in public. But there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.
Tying it back to what we've both said above, there is a guy in my accountability group who is a retired teacher, and he has a woman in his life that he calls his girlfriend. He has confessed to us his proclivity to hop on dating sites and chase other women at times, but she has stuck firmly by him for a long time. I think she's been a significant, godly encouragement to him. I really hope I see them get married one day. So while romance is not out of the question even for someone dealing with addiction, it really takes a person who is committed to going along for that ride with you and helping you climb out. That has to be up to them, though, and for anyone like me who is still dealing with an addiction, we have to be careful about manipulating anyone into being in a relationship with us that will more than likely be very difficult for them at times.
An addiction does not make you or me or anyone else unworthy of love. It's just that love doesn't only come in the form of romance. I am unbelievably blessed by the loving care of my pastor, my accountability group, and by other men in my life who want to see me flourish, not to mention the love of God, the most transformational love that exists.
With those things said, I think if the goal in a romantic relationship is to glorify God and lay ourselves down for our partner, it is not in anyone's best interest to pursue a relationship because it is almost guaranteed to be an unhealthy one. I believe, however, that anyone can break an addiction, and that has to be the number one priority before taking steps toward marriage with anyone. I personally believe there is a lot of wisdom in this, however in the end it is just my opinion.
I understand that this might be sensitive for you as you've been vehement about similar topics before, but I would like to know your point of view without the sarcasm. We can point fingers at each other's faults all day, but that is not what is happening in this thread. How does your opinion differ from those expressed so far?
No one who has struggled or is struggling with addiction is undeserving of love. No one is branding anyone with a scarlet letter. If that were the case, I'm just as deserving of one as anyone else. As I've already said, grace abounds for anyone who is struggling with addiction. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." I've only suggested that it's wise for a person to be removed from their addiction for a time before committing himself/herself to romance because an unhealthy person nearly guarantees an unhealthy relationship. Addiction is a serious and complicated thing. It just seems self-serving to me for a person to put someone in a position to get hurt because they want romance when there are other, healthier ways to find love and companionship. We are entirely forgiven and have been made white as snow in the sight of God, but that does not mean that our sin does not carry consequences, and we shouldn't overlook that.
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M
I don't think that's the case. I just know what kind of a rabbit hole addiction can be and think anyone considering getting involved with even an ex-addict needs to know what to watch out for.
Honestly, a person's past only matters to the extent that it is still affecting (effecting? dang...) their life- if a person is really and truly free from whatever addiction they had, that's wonderful. But I think in a lot of cases, the ex-addict is effected (affected? dang!) long afterwards (granted, I'm not talking about smoking or caffeine here, but rather things that tear a body/life apart in a super short amount of time- drugs, gambling, etc.). And if the ex-addict is still effected, then wouldn't anyone in a romantic relationship with them also be affected?
(Seriously, effect and affect kill me....)
I think- and anyone can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here- but when a person starts attending meetings (AA, NA...) aren't they advised to be in recovery for a full year before entering into a relationship? I thought I'd read that somewhere but I could be way off.
Honestly, a person's past only matters to the extent that it is still affecting (effecting? dang...) their life- if a person is really and truly free from whatever addiction they had, that's wonderful. But I think in a lot of cases, the ex-addict is effected (affected? dang!) long afterwards (granted, I'm not talking about smoking or caffeine here, but rather things that tear a body/life apart in a super short amount of time- drugs, gambling, etc.). And if the ex-addict is still effected, then wouldn't anyone in a romantic relationship with them also be affected?
(Seriously, effect and affect kill me....)
I think- and anyone can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here- but when a person starts attending meetings (AA, NA...) aren't they advised to be in recovery for a full year before entering into a relationship? I thought I'd read that somewhere but I could be way off.
Thanks for sharing, brother. My understanding both reflects yours and differs from it.
"To love is to be vulnerable."
You open yourself to be hurt with love, and will inevitably hurt those who love you. Part of what makes love Love, though, is that God is love. The forgiveness, growth, fulfillment, joy, etc etc that comes from such love is really astounding!
I would also caution you, however. For example, King David was a wonderful man of God, but from what we see written...was a lousy father and husband to some extent. Our intentions are by no means an end all, but our relationship with God and willingness to listen, change, grow, understand, love...and all the many other things God will grow in you...makes all the difference. I know some pagans with wonderful marriages, and Christians with pretty terrible ones.
A lot, I think, is up to us. What will you do? What will you choose? How will you respond? Many other questions...hopefully with God guiding us into better answers than we tend to choose ourselves. Really, it all boils down to that love word. Jesus even said the greatest of all commandments entailed love and relationships. Love of God. Love of others. Love of self. All of these can be done in a transformational and God-given way.
In any case... I really do appreciate you sharing. Thank you, again. Keep up your fight, Chan. God IS faithful, and will complete it.
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All addictions are bad. I wouldn't say they are all the same though. I've seen alcoholism tear apart countless families, but food addiction probably won't get you much more than a girthy mate.
Everyone has flaws. It all depends on what you feel comfortable dealing with. Someone with a porn addiction will more and more emotionally unavailable. Drug addictions can land you in legal trouble. Gambling will probably leave you quite poor. Nicotine addictions, besides the smell and long-term use health detriments might not do much but cost you a couple thousand extra bucks a year.
A couple of things you should know about ALL addicts however:
1. They will try to hide or cover up their addiction (oh, I only drink socially etc etc)
2. They will claim they can and will stop at some point, but they will not stop (don't worry, I'll quit smoking when we have kids etc etc)
3. There is always a chance of relapse
You have to use wise judgement to see if someone has truly overcome their addiction or not. Asking friends or people that know that person could give you some insight...
Everyone has flaws. It all depends on what you feel comfortable dealing with. Someone with a porn addiction will more and more emotionally unavailable. Drug addictions can land you in legal trouble. Gambling will probably leave you quite poor. Nicotine addictions, besides the smell and long-term use health detriments might not do much but cost you a couple thousand extra bucks a year.
A couple of things you should know about ALL addicts however:
1. They will try to hide or cover up their addiction (oh, I only drink socially etc etc)
2. They will claim they can and will stop at some point, but they will not stop (don't worry, I'll quit smoking when we have kids etc etc)
3. There is always a chance of relapse
You have to use wise judgement to see if someone has truly overcome their addiction or not. Asking friends or people that know that person could give you some insight...
I actually disagree with several of these points. I think most addicts are fully aware of their problems with their addiction, not that denial doesn't occur sometimes. I think a lot of them are also aware of their need for their addictive behavior whether it be a physical, emotional, or psychological need. I also do not think most of them think they can just "kick it," but rather many know they will need help in some form to change.