I try so hard to do things right but everyone sins and i went to a new bible study tonight and they were saying that God sees all sins the same because a sin is a sin. Well, I know I sin. I read my bible everyday, I pray everyday...I try to but sometimes it feels just empty like I am talking to a wall. I have doubts and I know God knows that. I want so bad to believe and I try to, and my head tries to reason with whateve it is deep inside me that doubts the whole thing. I don't understand, i dont want to doubt, I can tell people at church "oh I believe" but why do I have these doubts and how do I make them go away? The world doubts, christians are not supposed to. Like I said, I pray and read my bible, i hope one day I can truthfully say I totally believe because I dont want to find myself standing against him----I am so afraid that he is going to send me to hell because of this. But I try not to be a "friend of the world" I don't even admit my doubt to most people because I just don't want to reinforce it.
stormie, I don't really know you yet (as I'm pretty new here despite this senior member rating O_O ) but first I hope to let you know up front God is not an ogre not at all. I'll try to deal in my likely rather inadequate way with each issue you raise but just before that please never ever feel you can't raise these issues with other Christians, or a pastor, we really do need as Christians in our churches to drop the pretend fronts of perfection we often put on each other, it's just place-acting and is leaving allot of us all hurting in silence and darkness, away from the loving support we need from each other, it's terribly tragic and not the honest and loving community Jesus created us to be.
Now while it true to say on the one hand sin is sin, I don't think their are all the same, just take a look through Leviticus for example, many things have different consequences (even more so if work in ancient near East legal systems and using this understanding to read this part of the Torah is correct in saying these were ethical idealisations for judgements which used it to decide more often on compensation for the sin, apart it seems from pre-meditated murder where no such compensation was to be accepted). But either way, it indicates different degrees of consequences, and this theme is one that is carried through the Scriptures, right into the NT, where knowing and extreme sin is seen far worse then others (see for example the Sadducee leadership and the Pharisees who robbed widows, perverted God's law to care of parents and so on, Jesus view their actions extremely badly far more then that of prostitutes or tax collectors). So yes sin may be sin, but not all sin is equal or viewed as badly.
But know this much more important then the above, if anyone says that Christians shouldn't doubt and if they do, then I'm afraid whoever said that to you is wrong, look throughout the Scriptures, so many of the Psalms are from the Psalmist (or Psalmists
) crying out in doubt, or anger and confusion, uncertain where God is in a situation, often in them we see that it is by being completely honest before God, raw even, that they come through to different understanding through the Psalm and realise He is there and begin to see things differently. It it isn't often an instant magical fix either, sometimes this process takes a long time, months, years, and sometimes we carry and deal with some doubts all our time here before the resurrection. And I really want you to to take a lesson for the Psalmist(s), you don't need to pretend before God, or put any kind of front, but rather like them be completely honest before Him about what is going, what are your issues, your doubts, frustrations, anger, questions, bring it all to your Father, He is big enough for them as He was for Israel's cries
. And in the NT we see people uncertain (most of the time the apostles were uncertain first of who Jesus fully was, and even then didn't really understand His mission until after the resurrection, and even then they broke and fled, losing faith and unbelief, and Thomas wouldn't believe still even when told that others had seen the Lord raised. But what did Jesus do, did He cast them out for their doubts (remember the end of Matthew's gospel, some gathered before Him believed but still doubted as well
), did He say I want nothing more to do with you, go away from me? NO never, He meet them where they were, and continued to fellowship and restore them from there, He meet Thomas were He was, at the level he required, and then at that point Thomas was able to go beyond that level of knowledge, making the leap of love with the stunning declaration of 'My Lord, and My God' of Jesus
. And with Peter in the end of John's Gospel, which Jesus repeats 'do you love Me?' three times, in the Greek the first two times it's 'do you agape me? meaning do you selfless self-sacrificial love, but Peter responds 'you know I philia (brotherly love) you. So at the last Jesus says, 'Do you philia me?' and meets Peter where is, and brings Him back, and the same was true from those mentioned above who believed in Matthew but still had doubts. And Elijah, who after such a great display of God's power at Mount Horeb then fled when Ahab and Jezebel threatened his life, did God abandon him, never, He meet him he was, and I hope in all these many examples (of which there many more
) you are able to see a pattern here, God will meet you where you are, whatever you issues, He will abandon you. Though you are indeed special in so many ways, you are not unique for those in indicated here, He as never left them, He won't leave you, God doesn't change and cannot lie, He said would never abandon your or forsake you, and the Lord said He would be with us until the end of this age (and after that is fullness of the new age of this world, after the resurrection in which we will be with Him forever
), so He won't full stop, He is always with you, and He is there to help you carry your burden and meet you where you are. You can be honest with all your doubts and fears before Him.
And just because you doubt just like above God isn't going give up on you, sin is not greater then God, and He give up on you or loss you, His love for you is eternal it cannot be defeated. You haven't turn against Jesus at all, so you are His, and no matter what He will always be faithful to you, you don't need to work up some perfect faith, just even in your doubts and fears, trust that He has you, and that He loves, accepts and will always be with you to bring through (and would never cast you into judgement and hell for some doubts or thoughts, when Jesus said 'it's finished' in triumph, He meant it, through the cross and resurrection He defeated all of sin and evil, all the powers of darkness and their ability to hold or claim, they have no claim on you anyone, on the Lord does and nothing can defeat that claim or His love, so put aside any fears of judgement, it's done, and you are free
). And finally I'll share one last thing, I was and do have constant doubts, blasphemous thoughts, worrying over and over about sins, and such that come into my mind all the time, I suffer from a condition called scrupulosity (an OCD condition) such people as Martin Luther are thought to have suffered from it, and for years it was crippling you Christian walk, to the point that I had to leave church, because being it it cause the thoughts to come in increasing waves. And I thought it was going to send me into judgement (that it probably already had) and that I was going to make it harder for me at that time, so I thought it was better to leave. But God helped me, and brought me to a site where I realised what was wrong (and also realised that the enemy whose name means the accuser was also part of this confusion, adding to the accusing thoughts challenging my mind) and then I realised I and want if nothing else for you to grasp this, that He is is faithful, and you are forgiven it is done. And it is dependant solely on Him, not on you (or me) we just have to trust in His total faithfulness through His covenant sealed in the blood of His Son on the cross and in the power of the resurrection, that He has won and He will bring us through, even in the storm of doubts we just trust that, and listen to that, and never listen to thoughts which say we are damned or meaningless or lost because they lies and not true. He will always accept you, be there for you, and He has won already and by His Spirit will bring you through, your doubts can't and won't separate you from Him, and He will never cast you aside.
And a final word in support of doubts, those times of doubt, or where you don't seem to feel or see God in a situation, those are the times He uses to develop our faith, which is our trust in the faithfulness of Jesus for us and to us, and of the fact the Father always accepts us through it all, with the Holy Spirit our great Helper ever Present to help us, comfort us, grieve and rejoice with us. It is through these that our relationship with God is so much deepened by moving through these areas, doubts can also allow us to see aspects of our theology in new ways, of the Scriptures, our own Christian life and our community, of the world. Doubt can and has with some many great saints in the past been not the denial of God but the great handmaiden of faith, so doubt fear your doubts, trust in God and approach them without worry and let Him use them.
And no matter what, you are always accepted with God, He loves you and won't ever cast you aside or leave you, He is always with you in this, and He will walk you through it. And don't ever be afraid of coming to your Father with all your questions, issues concerns no matter how little or silly they might seem to you, they aren't to Him because they aren't to you. And don't be afraid of seeming perfect among other Christians either, none of us are perfect (you've just seem I'm not) we are all in some ways like a hospital, slowing being repaired and renewed into the human beings we shall be, but that won't be done completely until the resurrection when the new age and the new creation comes in full. Until then we bear with each other and aid each other in love and honest fellowship, so never feel afraid of bearing yourself before Christians you trust, and tell them what concerns or doubts you have, let them listen and be there for you, offering advice, insight and sometimes just to be there.
I hope this rambling post helps a little, and please don't ever think you out of God's hands or care, you can't be, nothing is greater then God, not sin, not evil, not death, in even yourself
, He has done it, and will see you through to being all you can be, and into the everlasting life of the age to come
God bless you, protect you, and fill you with the awareness of just how much He loves and cares for you, and how He will never let you done, not ever
