are you living or living by the book?

[Jullianna]

Do you know single women who read romance novels and think that's what real relationships are supposed to be like?
Or married women who read romance novels and feel their marriages are a let down?
Do you know guys who think the depictions in porn are realist?
Do you know single people who give marital advice or write books about it?
Do you know siingle people who have never dated or don't date but give advice or write books about it?
Do you know people with no kids who are always criticizing how other people are raising their kids?
Do you know people without kids who write books on how to raise kids?

The week I came home from the hospital with my son I was trying to be the perfect little mom and do every single thing exactly how and when a nurse had told me. And my son cried for three days in his frustration with me, until my precious mother in law came over (I was 19 years old with no family living anywhere close). I told her tearfully what was going on and she (a nurse with a handful of kids of her own and a bazillion grandkids) started laughing, and told me the nurse who'd taught me that stuff obviously had no children of her own.

I learned very early on that you can't live life out of a book and if you want wise counsel, you need to seek experienced people to give it.

 

[Ritter]

Agree and disagree. I agree that experience is a powerfully valid indicator of qualification to think or speak on a subject, but it isn't the only qualification, especially in fields that are highly theoretical. Sometimes a person's opinion is more valid if they have no experience in it so as to remain objective.

It is a hard call to make sometimes. Case by case.

 

[Liz01]

I agree and disagree too because i agree that ppl with more experience is the best to give you an advice but i think we can give an advice when we see a relative of us living that experience or when we are very close to someone living an specific experience... There are some things that i have seen my family going through and i can advice other about the consecuences.

But it depends of what kind of things because i have seen other taking care children but no so close to give advices about that.

 

[Jullianna]

Riitter: That's sort of my point. Relationships shouldn't be theoretical. They should be real, right? And when the rubber meets the road, I don't want objectivity. I want reality.

Liz: When you help other people through experiences, that does count as experience, doesn't it?

 

[zeroturbulence]

I once used directions to get to someone's house after work for the office Christmas party and the directions were wrong, and I got them from the person who was having the party..my boss! I wondered if she really wanted me there, but then I remembered that she was blonde. True story!

 

[Jullianna]

Who wouldn't want that puppy face at a party????

 

[zeroturbulence]

Who wouldn't want that puppy face at a party????

Thanks I wonder though if it might be because I was attracted to her. We were both in our twenties and she looked like a fitness model.

 

[Oncefallen]

I've found that advice givers come in two flavors. Those who have a lot of personal theories, and those that have wisdom based either on personal experience, or observation. Although I have not been married, I can still give advice on marriage based on THE book, and my observations of what works in the godly marriages of those I respect. In my opinion a wise man does not need to make his own mistakes, he can learn from those of others.

We as a society though do tend to base our ideas of what relationships and marriage should be on what is fed to us by the sitcoms, romantic comedies, and other media instead of reality. I've been involved with more than my share of women who seem to think that disagreements should be resolved in 30 minutes thanks to the sitcoms, and that a relationship should be all butterflies, rainbows, and beautiful sunsets thanks to the romantic novels and movies. Sure, those media give us warm fuzzy feelings about life, but I prefer to deal in reality instead of fantasy.

 

[jimsun]

Hi Jullianna & All - As someone who has to interview a lot in many different scenarios, my simple belief is that a person can have all the "qualifications" in the world but if they can't convert those qualifications into practical application then they're of little benefit.

(And, being married to a Surgical Registrar, believe me that nurses make nightmare patients!!).

J+

 

[kayem77]

I find myself giving advice to my friends about relationships and dating when I have no experience in those areas personally...I don't know what kind of counsel you are talking about though. I think a lot of times you can give learn from somebody else's mistakes.

As OnceFallen said, I think you can find almost everything in the Bible, but let's say someone wants advice about children .... I know that's not my area and I would admit that my advice probably wouldn't be of much help. If nobody asks me and I sincerely don't have anything good to offer, I will remain silent.

 

[Ugly]

Not always true. I have never been married. But i have read on marriage, and talked to enough married people, and read enough about general psychology, and gender issues, etc.. that i sometimes feel i have a better grasp on SOME aspects of marriage than many married people. But there are some aspects of marriage that are experience based only, and i make a point of knowing where my knowledge begins and ends as a result of having no personal experience. So when giving advice to married people i make a point to know my boundaries. Doesn't make the advice i do give any less valid.

Just like i could read books on archaeology, but never step foot in a real dig site. Doesn't mean a person can't still have knowledge. Just that the knowledge they have may not be as deep and full as the person who has been to sites.

 

[Jullianna]

Thank you for adding that, Oncefallen. We definitely need to live by THE BOOK. I meant to put that in there and forgot

Maybe I didn't put enough stress the point I was trying to make (it's in the title of the thread), as most folks seem to be headed the other way.

I'm not saying that people should never talk about these things. I'm saying....LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Don't just read about stuff! Take a shot! There's an amazing world out there!

I'm still pretty picky about the folks I accept wise counsel from tho Seems like that, in itself, is wise.

 

[Jullianna]

Since most people seem to prefer the other direction for some reason, we might as well go there, huh? Here's my take on the thing from that perspective:

We all think we know stuff from time to time just because we’ve read about it or studied it, right? BUT…remember when we were a teenagers who studied a lot of stuff, listened intently to our teachers/professors, made excellent grades and really THOUGHT we knew what we were talking about and that our parents didn’t have a clue about things? THEN somewhere in our mid-20s or early 30s our parents or other elders suddenly seemed a LOT smarter and we found out things weren’t quite the way we'd heard/read? The things our education systems teach about the things of God alone should be evidence of how far off the mark they often are.

THAT’S the sort of thing I’m talking about. Life is an excellent teacher. I don’t know about anyone else, but life has taught me a lot of cold, harsh reality and I’ve had to toss a lot of THEORY from my earlier days.

I loooooove talking with older people. There is so much yet to learn and experience. My late husband's mom (referred to above) is one of the most godly women I've ever known. She will always have my heart and utmost respect. I trust her completely and would accept her counsel above pretty much anyone's (any mere mortal that is..). I pray to be teachable frequently, as wisdom is something we should soak up sponge after sponge after sponge. As Liamson often says: "From such a thing, such a thing comes." We become wise by learning from the wise, not from the inexperienced.

We don't know how much we DON'T know until we know it. There's wisdom in recognizing this alone; otherwise, our mouths can overload our backsides. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when we get to Heaven and our eyes are completely open to the wisdom of the ages. We'll be totally dumbfounded.

People in these forums have gone through a lot of HUGE stuff. If I have no experience in an area or haven't protected/cared for/worked with victims of the thing, I won't post just to be posting. I will either offer prayers/love/encouragement (as such things often touch my heart deeply) or I will simply close the thread. Oftentimes, someone who HAS been through the same thing has it under control. Most of the time people don't really want advice anyway. They just want to know someone is listening and actually cares.

The first thing my TO taught me when I graduated from the policy academy and hit the streets was that nothing was going to be like they told us… He was right. Heeding his advice saved my life probably more times than I will ever know. I would imagine a lot of soldiers, seasoned school teachers/parents/marriage counselors/pastors/etc. would say the same.

I work with attorneys. Bunches of them. Extremely intelligent people who have doctorate degrees; but it's been eyeopening to learn how little they know about the world outside of their gated communities and human nature.

My very wise war-tested stepdad said it best:

"You'll change your tune about a thing when you get out there and the wolf bites you on the (expletive deleted)"

P.S. - don't be bitin' anybody, Oncefallen

 

[zeroturbulence]

I thought I knew what christians in general were like, unitil I found out otherwise online. o_o

 

[niceguyJ]

It won't let me rep you, Jullianna. I guess you've just said too many good things here already. So I'll just type this here...
I don't have anything to add really, I just wanted to say thanks for that last post. It goes along with some things I've been thinking about in an effort to try to improve myself and also relate to others.

 

[Liz01]

Julliana, I looove too to talk with older ppl, i come from a non-christian family, so when i talk with older godly women, they are like treasures to me.


niceguyJ, the guitars that you put in your profile are very cool, i was just wondering....how many guitars you have...

 

[niceguyJ]

niceguyJ, the guitars that you put in your profile are very cool, i was just wondering....how many guitars you have...

Thanks Liz. As of now, I just have that one. Although, I've had many over the years.
Interesting little fact: The guy who made that guitar is actually a believer.
He's quite the artist/engineer/builder/designer from Ireland. He makes his instruments out of carbon fiber, so they're basically carefree unlike wooden guitars. It should be around long after I've gone home to be with God.

..and to not completely get off topic here..I'll say I love being around old people too. They are certainly to be treasured and respected.

 

[Jullianna]

Thank you for your comments, niceguyj. They mean a lot, as you are one of the people I respect most in this forum.

niceguyj and liz: my mom owned a magazine for a couple of years and one of the things I really enjoyed was interviewing older people for articles she wanted...several WW II vets and their survival stories, and a 90 yr old man who survived one of the worst tornados in history. In my current job I still have many opportunities to listen to, protect and assist the elderly. It's one of the best parts of my job.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I appreciate older people too. They are often filled with wisdom and insight that one can't get anywhere else. Some older people are so nice and sweet I just want to give them a big hug and make them smile somehow.

 

[Ritter]

I was going to present a well-crafted argument, but the reference WWII vets shot it to dust. Everytime I speak with a WWII vet, I am amazed. It isn't so much what they have seen as it is the effect of what they have seen has on them. It renders some historical questions almost meaningless at the time.