Are You the Child of a Single Parent? (Or Troubled Marriage.)

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone,

After reading about some of the people here who have had problems with the mother/father of their child/children, I was wondering how all of you have come to deal with being the product of a single parent household or troubled relationship.

I once had a friend whom I'll call "Rachel" (not their real names or exact situation) who had a child with "Rob". Rob was a total absentee parent who never visited, called, or paid any form of support. As their son grew older, Rob would sometimes take him out for lunch every once in a blue moon, but still never called or paid any kind of child support. Whenever their son was mad at Rachel, he threw his father in her face: "Oh yeah, MY DAD would let me (play with fire, connect live wires, run a chainsaw, etc.)" In other words, he told her, "My DAD is so much cooler than you and I hate you because you hold me back!!" Understandably, Rachel was exasperated to tears over this for many years.

I know it's not much comfort but I told her, "Someday, he (their son) is going to see his father for what he really is." I had the privilege of knowing Rachel for a long time, and when their son grew to be an adult, the tables turned. He realized his mother was the only one who had been there for him... and that his father had never been a father to him at all.

Which makes me wonder. How many of you grew up in this kind of situation? Or maybe your parents were together on and off, or maybe they did stay together, or maybe they got divorced... but it was a terrible situation? Did you ever use your parents' anger against each other? Did you see one parent was "the cool one" and the other was "the prison warden" who made you follow all the rules? And how do you see them now?

How has this impacted your life as an adult and interactions with your own kids? How do you handle it now that your kids may do the same things as you at that age? How does this affect your choices as a parent?

Thanks so much for sharing... I'm really interested in your answers.

And here's a shout out to all you parents out there who are trying to make the best choices for your kids every single day--GOD BLESS YOU!!!

 

[Catlynn]

*grabs a handful of popcorn and waits*

 

[Catlynn]

Wait, let me just interview Kyla real quick and I'll have all the answers for everyone!

Is there a single parents forum? That would be a cool way to offer support and advice. ^_^

 

[Stuey]

Good thread Seoul.

 

[error]

Yes. I am an only child of a single parent.
And the funny thing is-i have no idea who my father is. My mom never talks about him with me.
I used to get angry at her bc of that.
Anyway, i don't want to get into details.

All i can say is-a child needs both parents. And i will make sure that my child has both parents.

 

[Hellooo]

One of my closest friends is a navy wife....her husband was deployed and stationed elsewhere while she was going through law school, so their two daughters, now 4 and 5 lived with her. The girls would say the EXACT thing...."daddy would let me do this, my daddy says, etc"...one time the girls happened to overhear my friend bickering over the phone with her husband and they convinced themselves that their dad was gone because mom pushed him away, and that hurt her soooo much. She's graduated and he's back so she and the girls all moved away to his new station assignment to live together.

I think the natural tendency for real young kids is to have some hero worship type regard for adults in their lives, and when something shakes that up, or when they hurt, its just easier to either lash out at whoever is closest, or blame themselves ("if I was a good girl, my daddy would want to be here".) They don't always have a grasp of the big picture.

I thought id throw that out there, I don't have any personal experience to share about growing up in a single parent household or having children, but my heart does go out to kids who struggle with it.

 

[eugenius]

I am an only child and don't have a father. I can definitely relate to many things you talked about here. My father was not the type of person that cared much about children. On the day of my birth he was not present in the delivery room. After that he spent almost no time with me at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. I hardly remember anything about my father.

It has been very hard for my mom to become both father and mother. The fact that we are immigrants to America did not help. We started from nothing. I had to go to work at 16 and help my mom pay the bills. We constantly (to this day) struggle to pay the bills and both work minimum wage jobs. I am in university and will have a financially rewarding career soon, and then I can help my mother more.

Oh and another thing. My mom is definitely overprotective and a bit controlling. We argue and fight very often. But overall she is a great mother. I just pray that she will understand that I need to have my own life soon. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it really is time for that. I'm going to be 27 soon.

As far as I know my father never made anything of himself or accomplished anything. Now that I am in my mid twenties I came to realize how much of a loser my father is. I have a little bit of a hatred towards him.

I vowed to never be like my father, and to become the father I never had to my children. Unlike him I love kids. Unlike him I am trying hard to have a successful and interesting career.

Unlike him I will definitely be present during my kids' birth and spend lots of time with them and hopefully they won't have the same social anxiety and etc issues that I had. Also they won't spend years of their life being lonely and depressed.

I pray to God that someday I can forgive him.

 

[error]

I am an only child and don't have a father. I can definitely relate to many things you talked about here. My father was not the type of person that cared much about children. On the day of my birth he was not present in the delivery room. After that he spent almost no time with me at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. I hardly remember anything about my father.

It has been very hard for my mom to become both father and mother. The fact that we are immigrants to America did not help. We started from nothing. I had to go to work at 16 and help my mom pay the bills. We constantly (to this day) struggle to pay the bills and both work minimum wage jobs. I am in university and will have a financially rewarding career soon, and then I can help my mother more.

Oh and another thing. My mom is definitely overprotective and a bit controlling. We argue and fight very often. But overall she is a great mother. I just pray that she will understand that I need to have my own life soon. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it really is time for that. I'm going to be 27 soon.

As far as I know my father never made anything of himself or accomplished anything. Now that I am in my mid twenties I came to realize how much of a loser my father is. I have a little bit of a hatred towards him.

I vowed to never be like my father, and to become the father I never had to my children. Unlike him I love kids. Unlike him I am trying hard to have a successful and interesting career.

Unlike him I will definitely be present during my kids' birth and spend lots of time with them and hopefully they won't have the same social anxiety and etc issues that I had. Also they won't spend years of their life being lonely and depressed.

I pray to God that someday I can forgive him.

Oh, we also used to argue and fight a lot. There were times whn i just took my things and left home. Thanks God i had a place where to go.

My mom is very interesting person. She can drive you completely nuts. But who is perfect?
Despite of all-i know that she loves me. But we just can't live together-i would go crazy.

But i'm thankful for everything - she has done for me.

And- i have a huge respect for you-i think it is very nice-that you are helping your mom. God will bless you for that. He said in His word to honor our parents.

 

[Aqua_Girl09]

I used to think my mom was always starting fights for nothing. and my dad would just always ignore her.

i realize now that he NEVER paid child support. and the few times he did pick us up was only for a little while.

i used to think my dad was better then my mom. but i around high school i realized that my dad does nothing.

in college i moved in with him cause i wanted to put some distance between me and my mom. . . . .this man won't even let me use his detergent!? he won't help with ANYTHING!? i only get to live in his house. . . . . . . .sigh. .. . . . .so now me and my siblings joke around about which one is going to take care of him when hes old. (but we serisouly think hes secretly saving up money to pay for a nursing home so he won't have to depend on us)

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

My father left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me. So needless to say they divorced.

My mom had no money so she would have to leave me with people while she worked. Crazy babysitters and my even crazier aunt raised me.

She remarried a man in the military when i got a little older, but he was always and i mean ALWAYS deployed. So i never really saw him for years.

My real father he doesnt have anything to do with me, he choose his son ( my half brother) and his girlfriend. I know he feels guilty about leaving me in the condition he did, hes told me so. He knew things were very bad for me as a child, but he never stepped in to help me. He did practically move the sun and moon for my brother though. However he must not feel that guilty cause he never makes an effort to even talk to me.

I always wonder if maybe it was because i was a girl, maybe my dad wanted a boy instead and thats why he loves my brother, but not me.

The thing is though, I love my dad. I dont hate him. If he suddenly changed his mind and said he wanted to talk to me or try and have a relationship with me... i'd take it in a second.

Growing up it was really really hard, but i feel like now its even harder.

 

[JimJimmers]

My father left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me. So needless to say they divorced.

My mom had no money so she would have to leave me with people while she worked. Crazy babysitters and my even crazier aunt raised me.

She remarried a man in the military when i got a little older, but he was always and i mean ALWAYS deployed. So i never really saw him for years.

My real father he doesnt have anything to do with me, he choose his son ( my half brother) and his girlfriend. I know he feels guilty about leaving me in the condition he did, hes told me so. He knew things were very bad for me as a child, but he never stepped in to help me. He did practically move the sun and moon for my brother though. However he must not feel that guilty cause he never makes an effort to even talk to me.

I always wonder if maybe it was because i was a girl, maybe my dad wanted a boy instead and thats why he loves my brother, but not me.

The thing is though, I love my dad. I dont hate him. If he suddenly changed his mind and said he wanted to talk to me or try and have a relationship with me... i'd take it in a second.

Growing up it was really really hard, but i feel like now its even harder.

You're a cool lady, Holly. That's some story. First of all, the longer I live the more I think crazy aunts are a mandatory fact of life. Don't know why, but apparently God spreads the sane among the insane siblings for His divine purpose.

I would like to say, "No, it's not because you're a girl", but it very well might be. I don't know why that would be, I don't think I'd like having only boys in my quiver. If I have sluggish Y chromosomes, I'll have to borrow some girls from somewhere.

 

[hhhlga89]

I am an only child and don't have a father. I can definitely relate to many things you talked about here. My father was not the type of person that cared much about children. On the day of my birth he was not present in the delivery room. After that he spent almost no time with me at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. I hardly remember anything about my father.

It has been very hard for my mom to become both father and mother. The fact that we are immigrants to America did not help. We started from nothing. I had to go to work at 16 and help my mom pay the bills. We constantly (to this day) struggle to pay the bills and both work minimum wage jobs. I am in university and will have a financially rewarding career soon, and then I can help my mother more.

Oh and another thing. My mom is definitely overprotective and a bit controlling. We argue and fight very often. But overall she is a great mother. I just pray that she will understand that I need to have my own life soon. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it really is time for that. I'm going to be 27 soon.

As far as I know my father never made anything of himself or accomplished anything. Now that I am in my mid twenties I came to realize how much of a loser my father is. I have a little bit of a hatred towards him.

I vowed to never be like my father, and to become the father I never had to my children. Unlike him I love kids. Unlike him I am trying hard to have a successful and interesting career.

Unlike him I will definitely be present during my kids' birth and spend lots of time with them and hopefully they won't have the same social anxiety and etc issues that I had. Also they won't spend years of their life being lonely and depressed.

I pray to God that someday I can forgive him.

We have very similar lives, from what I can gather. I was born and raised here(america), but my parents weren't. I had a father "present" my while life but I think I would have been better off without one. He did drugs alot and would be gone every other week. Horrible father and husband. He lives with us now and is clean(I think), but I still feel ALOT of resentment towards him for alot of suffering he put us through because of his drugs absence and unwillingness to take responsibility as a father or husband. Mom my is over protective too I want to move out and get on with life but I know she's opposed to me leaving. Its a delicate situation. Us children of foreigners don't have the luxury most American adults have of having parents who want them to leave as soon as their 18 (for very good reasons). Foreigners think you should stay at moms house until you die or get married. They don't know that this stops you from maturing and being your own adult. Its very frustrating. I pray for an escape without hurting my parents feelings(I know she thinks I may go back to a sinful lifestyle if I go, but if that's the case I might as well go we can know if I'm truely saved. I am) I have a great mother though.

 

[Jullianna]

My parents got married because my mom was pregnant. My father (I never call him "Dad". That title of honor belongs to my stepdad.) was a war vet and was pretty messed up when he met my mom. They divorced when I was two years old. I have no recollection of him whatsoever. He never attempted to contact me and my mother did not want to talk about him.

My mom remarried when I was six and my stepdad adopted me. As far as I am concerned, HE was my dad.

As I grew older, I became curious about my biological father because I didn't look like anyone else in my family, including my mom. So, when I became a cop I went looking for him. I found an uncle and two aunts, but he had already passed away.

I don't have strong feelings about him one way or another because I have never known him. He means no more to me than any other distant relative whose name I might see on ancestry.com.

My stepdad was a blessing, but I have to admit there are times, especially when I watch a father/daughter dance at a wedding reception, I wonder what it would be like to have such a bond. I am extremely close to my son, so I know about that parental bond.

I will say that I get really irritated with people who complain about parents who truly love and want to protect their children. Seems like they should be more thankful than that.

 

[zaoman32]

I've been watching this thread intently just for my own personal comfort, and I'm not getting it, but apparently that's not exactly a bad thing. I'm noticing a horrible recurring trend of absentee fathers. I don't ever want to even touch such a thing. I had a stressful time deciding to drop out of school for my kids, but it didn't last beyond a couple of days. I know I made a right choice because I'm able to be with my kids more often and never realized how much I really missed them.

I worry a lot for my kids because my wife and I divorced. I never wanted to be in such a situation, and I certainly had no idea, let alone any desire to put three of my kids through their parents being separated and divorced. My ex-wife and I have pretty equal time with the kids right now, but I still worry about their emotional and mental well being. I know it hasn't been easy on them, and I guess I just want to know they'll be ok.