Christian jokes!!

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I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#21
#21
OK, here's another joke:

A man was visiting in Jerusalem with his mother in law who died during the trip. So people told him, ok, whether you pay $100 n' bury her here OR pay $5000 n' take her home to bury her. He thought for a while, then said, I'll take her home. Everyone was so surprised n' tried to talk him out of it. Man!! you wanna pay $5000 instead of $100?!!!! The man was like, Yeah!! So everyone asked him, WHY?!!!! The man said, "Isn't it 3000 years ago a man by the name of Jesus was buried n' was resurrected from the dead after 3 days. They told him "Yes" So the man said, "Well, then I definitely don't want my mother in law to be resurrected ever again"!! :rolleyes:
 
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Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#22
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
48
#22
Did you hear the joke told from the pre-millenial pre-tribulation rapturist???

No? Neither did I, he vanished before he could finish the joke.


Wait a minute, that means....................................... HE WAS RIGHT!!!!
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#23
#23
OK, here is yet another one!!

A Priest n' a taxi driver died. And on their way to enter heaven, the angel gave the taxi driver a golden thread and gave the Priest a fabric thread. So the Priest was like "How come the taxi driver gets a golden thread n' I get a fabric thread when I am the Priest????" So the angel answered the Priest saying, well because when you preached people slept, but when the taxi driver drove people prayed!!! :D
 
J

jeremyPJ

Guest
#24
#24
keep 'em coming! Love the Christian jokes :)
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#25
#25
Then you got to say one too jeremyPJ :D
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#26
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
48
#26
Question: What do Amish Christians baptize themselves in?

Answer: Over-sized wooden bowls used to feed their over-worked horses!!!


(Note: I wrote that joke in good fun, so if there are any Amish Christians here, please do not take offense. Secondly, if you are Amish, what in the world are you doing on a computer right now???).

Tsk, tsk.
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#27
#27
I've told this one here before I think but I likes it :p.

There was this really righteous man living on the west coast, he always gave God thanks and always prayed for everyone he met. He had just made it an entire decade without sinning so the Lord thought of him and decided to pay him a visit. He said "At this moment, you are the most righteous man living on the Earth yet you never ask anything for yourself, ask me for anything and I will do it for you"

The man thought for a moment and said "Well Lord, I'm extremely satisfied with the life you have given me but it would be nice if there was a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could visit there more often".

God replied "Of course I can do this for you but I'm a little disappointed, I was hoping you would ask for something less physical".

The man thought for another minute and said "Well in that case Lord, I would like to understand women". God replied "So that bridge, do you want it to be two lanes or four?" :p
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#28
#28
Searching for other lost Amish souls online!!!!!


Descyple said:
Question: What do Amish Christians baptize themselves in?

Answer: Over-sized wooden bowls used to feed their over-worked horses!!!


(Note: I wrote that joke in good fun, so if there are any Amish Christians here, please do not take offense. Secondly, if you are Amish, what in the world are you doing on a computer right now???).

Tsk, tsk.
Click to expand...
 
lil_christian

lil_christian

Senior Member
#29
Mar 14, 2010
7,489
73
48
27
#29
Descyple said:
Question: What do Amish Christians baptize themselves in?

Answer: Over-sized wooden bowls used to feed their over-worked horses!!!


(Note: I wrote that joke in good fun, so if there are any Amish Christians here, please do not take offense. Secondly, if you are Amish, what in the world are you doing on a computer right now???).

Tsk, tsk.
Click to expand...
LOL I think the note is funnier than the joke itself... :p
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#30
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
48
#30
What Church Door-Greeters are really thinking when they smile and shake your hand when you arrive:

1. This guy has a firm hand shake, hopefully his grip is not as tight on his wallet during this morning's tithe.

2. I'm so glad I'm out here doing this job instead of being inside the sanctuary listening to our worship team practice the song "Trading My Sorrows" (I can't stand that song!!!).

3. If I have to hold my fake smile on any longer with these people, I'm going to start resembling Joel Olsteen!!!

4. It's going to take a lot more than hand-sanitizer to cleanse my hands after being in contact with these sinners!!!

5. (Thinking ahead to the after-service lunch) "I Want My Baby-Back, Baby-Back, Baby-Back, I Want My........................... Chili's Baby-Back Ribs!!!"
 
Pen014

Pen014

Banned
#31
Nov 7, 2012
210
1
0
#31
one day a musician was playing a magical prophetic flute and hit the minor prophet with an incredible blow.
it made an unheard of noise that cried something so strange throughout the city it was unforgiving.

in a human voice the spirit moved through the flute and sounded "out of cheeks"

right in that very second the musician passed judgment with his butt!

and the spirit said see.....I knew you'd toot!

who are you to play the prophet?
 
P

parablepete

Guest
#32
#32
I have told people who I just meet, when they ask."WHERE DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?" I go to the "ROUND CHURCH" sometimes they will just get a strange look, others just say, Oh, some will say I have never heard of that. Some what do they believe?

We believe that is where the, "Devil can't cornor you."

My father use to say that many years ago. I have never heard anyone but, him say that, have you?

Sometimes you must ask a question yourself." Have you ever heard of it?" I am always worried they will pass it on!


There is a friend of mine, who was an Old Hippie Biker, I guess? Anyway, he has a long beard. One day I asked him why he Braded it? He said it is a "Religious Thing" Of course me I asked what does it mean? He said most people when you tell they that, they don't bother you anymore....LoL Not really a Joke but, cute.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#33
#33
I actually kept laughing at your avatar more than the joke!!!! :D

But still, it's good one. :eek:


Pen014 said:
one day a musician was playing a magical prophetic flute and hit the minor prophet with an incredible blow.
it made an unheard of noise that cried something so strange throughout the city it was unforgiving.

in a human voice the spirit moved through the flute and sounded "out of cheeks"

right in that very second the musician passed judgment with his butt!

and the spirit said see.....I knew you'd toot!

who are you to play the prophet?
Click to expand...
 
J

jennymae

Guest
#34
#34
You know you're a southern baptist whenever:

You think somebody saying "amen" while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#35
#35
jennymae said:
You know you're a southern baptist whenever:

You think somebody saying "amen" while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.
Click to expand...
Oh, I love this!

You might be Southern Baptist if...

you clapped at church and felt guilty about it all week.

You think John the Baptist started the whole thing.

you expect a waiter during communion.

you're asked to open your Bible to Revelation and your eye starts twitching.
 
Gc_2011

Gc_2011

Senior Member
#36
May 12, 2011
186
3
18
39
#36
[h=3]The Cowboy in Church[/h]
One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,

"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
 
Gc_2011

Gc_2011

Senior Member
#37
May 12, 2011
186
3
18
39
#37
[h=3]The Christian Barber[/h]
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#38
#38
Oh gush!!! I really liked that one. :D


Gc_2011 said:
The Christian Barber


There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
Click to expand...
 
guestno2

guestno2

Banned
#39
Feb 23, 2014
303
3
0
#39
What we can read in a congregational journals:
Remember to pray for all who are sick of our community.
Afternoon sermon topic will be "What is hell." Come early and listen to our worship band.
At six o'clock in our church we will have for our dinner baked beans. Music will follow.
Do not let your worries completely destroyed you. Our church gladly help.
Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, to the delight of the audience.
Due to illness priest are healing meeting scheduled on Wednesdays canceled until further notice.
All music for today's worship composed by George Friedrich Handel to 300 anniversary of his birth.

I hope I get it right in EN.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#40
#40
I actually meant to say that your avatar is scary!! :D


guestno2 said:
What we can read in a congregational journals:
Remember to pray for all who are sick of our community.
Afternoon sermon topic will be "What is hell." Come early and listen to our worship band.
At six o'clock in our church we will have for our dinner baked beans. Music will follow.
Do not let your worries completely destroyed you. Our church gladly help.
Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, to the delight of the audience.
Due to illness priest are healing meeting scheduled on Wednesdays canceled until further notice.
All music for today's worship composed by George Friedrich Handel to 300 anniversary of his birth.

I hope I get it right in EN.
Click to expand...
 
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