Hello, everyone! (^_^)
I've recently "awoken" from a spell i've probably cast on myself, made heavier and more complicated by the concerns that this world has been pressing on me. Thankfully, i got a much-needed wake-up call from Papa God, and now, i'm experiencing renewed spiritual fire. Hopefully i will inspire and encourage the brethren here that are suffering depression, even desolation.
For as long as i can remember, depression was like a regular companion of mine. I grew up feeling as if i've fallen short in many ways...even my own family (specially my parents) made me feel this way. I felt i wasn't pretty enough...not smart enough...not talented enough...not good enough. In school, i was viewed as someone who was different, weird even. I felt like i had no true friends there. They only approach me when they needed something, specially advice for their problems. They said i was a good listener, and spoke sensibly. But after that and they're all patched up, they leave me alone and go back to their respective groups. Most of the time i just wanted to drift away from it all...if i had wings, i won't waste a moment of staying where i was.
Even as i grew older, it hasn't truly improved. I still felt i'm not in that place where people could see me as special, or desirable, or important. i'm just part of the background, hardly noticed unless i do something foolish or over the top. My self esteem feels like it hasn't even got too high above the floor.
At age 14, due to a family conflict that left me completely desperate, hurt and powerless to do anything, i was brought to my knees, and i prayed the prayer of surrender to our One True Living GOD. I remember even being doubtful if HE was real, or that HE was listening to the wretched child that i was. But i laid down my entire self before HIM, knowing i had nowhere else to go...that i was bound to fail my entire life as i have failed that night, should i choose to go on taking charge of my life. It was the best moment of my life, when HE lifted the invisible weight that was crushing my soul flat, and filled me with a light so bright...a peace so sweet and tangible...unspeakable joy...and an overwhelming and real love.
Being so alive in my newfound life and love for Christ, my depression was non-existent then. All i had in my heart and mind was praise and worship to our Beloved Father. The days and hours didn't matter, nor the lack of whatever affirmation i was longing for in the past. All i knew was the Lord is my GOD, and in HIM i had all things, and i lacked and wanted for nothing.
But, alas, this wonderful phase of my life didn't last long. I was foolish and careless, tripping from one testing to the next, and finding myself lost from HIS love, and ashamed and full of guilt for my sins. What acceptance i felt when i received HIM was replaced by stronger feelings of inadequacy and doubt. I had HIM in my heart, but i felt so alone again, so distant from HIM and the companionship i longed for.
Then the world started to burden me even more: i should become this, i should have that, i should end up married, successful, sexy, beautiful, rich... it was just too much. Then my own personal needs even chimed in: i need a boyfriend/lover, i need to become popular, i need to stand out, i need to show everyone they were wrong about me, specially those who hurt me, used and abused me. I must. I need. I want. Everyday, spiraling in my mind.
If things aren't already complicated, the inner convictions of the Holy Spirit burdened me even more: you must be holy, pure, righteous! You mustn't live in sin! You must be active in church! You must know the entire Bible! You must be going out there and spreading the Word! You must be everything pleasing and acceptable to GOD!
Although i wanted to focus on only what the Holy Spirit was telling me, i couldn't. For everything else was clamoring for the top spot in my priorities...i didn't want to be selfish, but all this doing everything for everybody else was exhausting me and burning me out. I said to myself, 'Enough!"
I just wanted to be happy...to be secure. To belong. To be loved.
I try to comfort myself with scripture, and encouragement from my Christian friends, but the cure was so temporary, it seemed. At the end of the day, when i'm alone in my room, lying in my bed...i start to feel that loneliness and emptiness again.
I resorted to different things. Tried to keep myself busy with work. Tried to go our more and distract myself with different sights. Tried to spend more time with friends and family. Tried to amuse and play away my pain with internet and video games. I flirted and flinged. I ate to my heart's content. I read self-help books, and sought self-help advice. I made plans and tried to motivate myself to improve and become better. But none of these offered me true peace nor happiness nor contentment. I was still feeling so desperate inside, as if i need something or someone to complete me. But it was all in vain.
For so many days and nights, i cried. I cried as if i'm grieving for someone's death...as if there isn't any hope for me to get better in the days ahead. If not for the fear of GOD and HIS presence in my life, i surely would've taken my life or have gone insane years ago. HE was the only anchor holding me in place.
This pain and desolation in my soul lasted until just a few days ago. Something in me was stirred to know what was happening in the world i lived in, which i didn't care so much about anymore. When i saw just how bad everything is around the world now...all the catastrophes, the countless deaths and acts of worsening violence...most of all, how the enemy has been moving behind the scenes, and orchestrating so many world events, and performing numerous rituals propagating satanism and ushering the arrival of the anti-christ, i was shaken. My eyes were opened very wide, and my heart was broken. For the first time after so many years, i grieved for the unbelieving world. The impending doom that they were about to face is so close now, and they will be utterly crushed! I found myself praying for them...for all the lost. I saw that time is running out, and that now, more than ever, the Christians needed to act and be more vigilant. To come out from their places of comfort and slumber. To stand and proclaim HIS Word to all the people, brethren and unbeliever, to edify and enlighten minds to righteousness, repentance and salvation. My heart burst with the fire of the Holy Spirit, making me cast out all my worldly designs and petty concerns. The Lord has restored me back to my calling, and HE gave me inspiration and courage unlike ever before. Now, it doesn't matter what i have and don't have, or if i fall short of the world's standards. I was geared up to run the race once more, truly understanding at last what it meant to be a Christian.
My heart was filled with joy and peace, and a sense of perfect contentment and freedom! I have only truly begun to understand what it meant to seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, a task i was dreadfully intimidated by and thought was something not sincerely in my heart. But i did it at last. I sought HIM. Not for myself, but for the world bound for destruction. And in so doing, HE added everything else i lacked. The courage to stand and live a righteous and holy life. The overflowing love that i longed for my broken heart, unconditional and beautiful. The joy that is immeasurable and true. The freedom from the power of sin and self doubt. And the peace that only GOD can give, pure and limitless.
Now, the depression and desolation is gone, as if it never existed. I hardly remember how i felt when i cried endlessly in pain and had my heart wrenched from within me. I have discovered that what i struggled with in the past, all my wants and needs and concerns, are miniscule compared to our holy calling to stand as Christ's witnesses before the earth and to mightily proclaim HIS Word, praises and glory. All i know is to look ahead, fresh with inspiration and hope, finished with the past, and facing the future with a desire to prepare for battle, prayerfully asking for guidance and wisdom as i begin to truly serve and live a Christian life.
I am no hypocrite, brethren. I still have somewhere in my heart the tiny wishes to marry and have a family and children, and to be successful in my chosen field, as well as pursue some dreams i had once. But now, i don't mind if they aren't granted for me. I no longer feel desperate for the answers. I see them as mere added bonuses now should they be granted to me in GOD's perfect time. I've been shown what's important right now. And i've found a new hunger, which is to come to know GOD more and more, and to plant HIS Words in my heart and soul. Donning His Holy Armor, and carrying His Holy Emblem. I've lost so much time, and now, i do not want to waste any more.
Even though i've grieved for all those years, so wrapped up in my world and my cares, i am pacified and made grateful by the fact that, although we fail and fall, GOD is so gracious and loving and good to us, that even in those periods in our lives HE is working hard to change us and continue HIS good work, ingraining wisdom along the way. Time is never wasted for our GOD. He knows all things that we will do and go through, and HE guides and preserves us through it all. So i ended up praising and thanking HIM for everything. Our GOD is truly an awesome, amazing, powerful, and wonderful loving GOD!!!
Brethren, i pray that you may find what i have found in our Lord once again. Depression and loneliness are normal human emotions, but they can serve as snares because of their ability to paralyze us and question our self worth. May your eyes be opened to the reality that surrounds us, and GOD's truth that sets us free. Reclaim your freedom in Christ, my beloved brethren! Re-affirm your faith in our mighty GOD, and re-embrace our true calling! For HE has set us apart from this world, and we are no longer bound by it in any way. And HE has cleansed us of all our sins, past, present and future! Sin has no power over us unless we give it a foothold in our lives. Let us reclaim our freedom daily and shrug off the sins that hinder us as we run. Let us fix our eyes on our Lord Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith!! (Hebrews 12:-12)
And don't let fear rule your hearts and minds, brethren. I saw that this was the main reason that i grew desperate and eventually depressed and lonely. Remember that fear is not from GOD, unless it is the fear for our Holy GOD. For GOD hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7)
Lastly, let us try to see how GOD values and loves us so. For HE does, so much! We are always in HIS thoughts, and HE knows us oh so well! Even before the world was created! And no matter where we are, HE is there, watching over us. We are safe and surrounded by HIS awesome love! (Psalm 139).
God bless you all, dear brethren!!! I pray for all the best in our spiritual lives, and our relationship with our wonderful God.
I constantly remind myself of Paul's advice to get married in order to abstain from sexual immorality, but I only have to wait a little while more and then I'll be too old to have a sexual drive. Here's looking on the bright side. 
