Experience

[Stuey]

Hey guys, was just wondering about your thoughts on this.

1 - Do you find you can fall for something because of the qualities they have? Like what you see, who they kind of, 'are' without you.

2 -Or do you sometimes find it is shared experiences - aka someone may not initially seem to have the qualities you are looking for, but because you have shared things together they become close to you? Become attractive to you? Even if you would not initially be interested by who they seem to be.

Obviously it is probably a mix of both - but like, I find having shared experiences makes things very different, even though someone may be very similar in personality or something.

With dating -

It feels like this really weird tension - at one level you are attempting to get to know each other - trying to work out number 1 so to speak, who this person is. But at the second time you are attempting to like... 'build' a relationship, so to speak.

I just find this really weird.

Personally, I don't want to attempt to build a relationship unless I know that things are likely to work out - getting the foundations down so to speak, which is weird because that places who someone is without you above shared experiences.

But practically, with who I am, I don't want to set myself up to be hurt so to speak - I panic if I feel in too deep without knowing enough - now obviously you are going to have to take risks here and there, but to me... it just seems silly to start forming close feelings without knowing. But I do know that this is very different to how others approach it, and it seems cold to others sometimes...

 

[error]

Not sure what you mean. I'm kinda confused after reading all this. Both things are important. But-why would I hang out with someone who is mean, rude or something like that? I will not do that. And if I will not do that-I will never have some shared experiences with thm.

 

[maxwel]

When you're with the right person you'll feel comfortable... instead of feeling tension.

 

[Powemm]

I fall every time I see Jesus .. Has nothing to do with the person ..

 

[Jullianna]

Hey guys, was just wondering about your thoughts on this.

1 - Do you find you can fall for something because of the qualities they have? Like what you see, who they kind of, 'are' without you.

2 -Or do you sometimes find it is shared experiences - aka someone may not initially seem to have the qualities you are looking for, but because you have shared things together they become close to you? Become attractive to you? Even if you would not initially be interested by who they seem to be.

Obviously it is probably a mix of both - but like, I find having shared experiences makes things very different, even though someone may be very similar in personality or something.

With dating -

It feels like this really weird tension - at one level you are attempting to get to know each other - trying to work out number 1 so to speak, who this person is. But at the second time you are attempting to like... 'build' a relationship, so to speak.

I just find this really weird.

Personally, I don't want to attempt to build a relationship unless I know that things are likely to work out - getting the foundations down so to speak, which is weird because that places who someone is without you above shared experiences.

But practically, with who I am, I don't want to set myself up to be hurt so to speak - I panic if I feel in too deep without knowing enough - now obviously you are going to have to take risks here and there, but to me... it just seems silly to start forming close feelings without knowing. But I do know that this is very different to how others approach it, and it seems cold to others sometimes...

I think that's the core of what you are feeling, Stuey. We all have that same fear to some degree, we just hide it better. Love is a risk we take that is well worth it. People don't always love us back. Nobody knows that better than Jesus, huh? Love anyway. It's not like you have a limited supply of it, right?

Proceeding with caution in a new relationship is a very wise thing to do, but don't lock your heart away. Even when we are hurt, we grow and learn....and most of the time what we learn is helpful when the right person comes along. That's why we needed to learn it.

 

[leelee]

I hope you mean someone and not something!

 

[Stuey]

I hope you mean someone and not something!

Freudian slip? bahahahahaa.... whoops.

Thanks Jullianna, kind of you. And I think you've read me reasonably - Oddly enough though I'm not so scared of getting hurt by being rejected, more scared of hurting the other person. - Not a Godly thing, more emotional baggage. I want security, but security in the way that I feel towards the person, of course what the other person feels is important, but... that is the way I am.


Error - I guess I am also wondering, how do you guys view the two, like love at first sight type thing against loving someone for being through things - knowing them well? For example, I'm going to take a guess that Liamson you are very much about building a relationship? Not necessarily finding someone who seems initially perfect? (not that anyone will, just taking a guess, may be wrong) Do some people find when they hang out with someone that they just naturally fall for them (and Actually could marry them) or something along those lines? Or are others more - clearly not, clearly never.

Guess I'm just wondering for myself - like thinking about asking someone out to know get to know her.. It just doesn't feel like an option to me. I feel like I would worry too much, worry about her investing too much so to speak.

Bleh, still babbling. Sorry.

 

[error]

Freudian slip? bahahahahaa.... whoops.

Thanks Jullianna, kind of you. And I think you've read me reasonably - Oddly enough though I'm not so scared of getting hurt by being rejected, more scared of hurting the other person. - Not a Godly thing, more emotional baggage. I want security, but security in the way that I feel towards the person, of course what the other person feels is important, but... that is the way I am.


Error - I guess I am also wondering, how do you guys view the two, like love at first sight type thing against loving someone for being through things - knowing them well? For example, I'm going to take a guess that Liamson you are very much about building a relationship? Not necessarily finding someone who seems initially perfect? (not that anyone will, just taking a guess, may be wrong) Do some people find when they hang out with someone that they just naturally fall for them (and Actually could marry them) or something along those lines? Or are others more - clearly not, clearly never.

Guess I'm just wondering for myself - like thinking about asking someone out to know get to know her.. It just doesn't feel like an option to me. I feel like I would worry too much, worry about her investing too much so to speak.

Bleh, still babbling. Sorry.

You know-there are many ways how to fall in love with someone.

 

[Stuey]

Yeah, I know. Kind of wondering about this I guess and how different people work and if some people have a higher propensity towards one and an extreme, although perhaps unintentional aversion to the other.

Just being introspective and over analysing myself really...

 

[rachelsedge]

I think I see what you're getting at, Stuey. You want to share with someone because you want to know them well before you start a relationship, but you don't want to share too much in case you don't start a relationship and then you feel they know "too much" about you? Or you don't want to build towards sharing and building a relationship and then have it not work out when it comes down to it?

Just asking before I respond more.

 

[Robbinette]

I don't think any of us know what we're doing, I think we all just kind of wing it. If it feels right, its right if it's doesn't it's not

 

[T_Laurich]

My mom and dad were set up by missionaries. They told my father that she was kind, genuine, and very patient. They told my mother he was funny, strong, stubborn, yet polite, and soft heart-ed. So both agreed to meet up on a blind date... The missionaries kept on saying how perfect they thought they were for each other...

So when they met up for a date, never knowing each other before; my father who hadn't dated anyone in 10 years got very nervous. Now I know you think well yah of-course anyone would be nervous...

My father was beyond what you guys would ever even think of. When He first greeted her he shook her hand and didn't say "Hello nice to meet you." No that would have been too hard because of all the nerves. So my father resorted to the dialect he found most comfort in...

FOREST GUMP-ESE

Yes when my father met her for the first time he shook her hand and said with a perfect accent. "Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your going to get..." My mother kinda laughed ( you know those laughs they give when they can't decide if its kreepy or funny) and she tried to continue with the date... But anytime my father talked... He would resort to Forest Gump-ese... saying anything from his order of food to the weather., all of it he impersonated Forest Gump.

So after the date, the missionaries took my mom and him in different directions giving my father a kind of. Are you really serious? Did you not like her kind of talk...

And my mother talked to her group and the first word she said... "Is he mentally handicapped?"

A few months later they decided to go on another date, Why? I have no clue... But, I am kinda happy they did .


The point of the story being, you may not know the person is your future spouse... There may not be fire-works... Or it may be the most awkward thing in your life... But if you don't go fishing because you think your net is not strong enough... Now you don't have even the smallest possibility to catch a fish... And your net might be stronger then you think

 

[Paulie079]

I don't think any of us know what we're doing, I think we all just kind of wing it. If it feels right, its right if it's doesn't it's not

This is super true haha.

Singleness is a great time to work on drawing close to God and letting Him transform you into the person that you would want to person you love most (aka your future spouse) to have in his/her life. And you're going to have flaws as everyone does, but don't let them stand between you and a woman you feel compelled to pursue.

 

[Shouryu]

My father was beyond what you guys would ever even think of. When He first greeted her he shook her hand and didn't say "Hello nice to meet you." No that would have been too hard because of all the nerves. So my father resorted to the dialect he found most comfort in...

FOREST GUMP-ESE

Yes when my father met her for the first time he shook her hand and said with a perfect accent. "Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your going to get..." My mother kinda laughed ( you know those laughs they give when they can't decide if its kreepy or funny) and she tried to continue with the date... But anytime my father talked... He would resort to Forest Gump-ese... saying anything from his order of food to the weather., all of it he impersonated Forest Gump.

'Tis ever so slightly disheartening to realize that the movie of Forrest Gump is at least, likely more than 18 years old now.

Old Shour is old. >_<

 

[T_Laurich]

1994 was the forrest gump release year,

LOL but I was referring to my Step-Father... I call him my father because he has raised me and being a father is more then blood...

 

[Stuey]

I think I see what you're getting at, Stuey. You want to share with someone because you want to know them well before you start a relationship, but you don't want to share too much in case you don't start a relationship and then you feel they know "too much" about you? Or you don't want to build towards sharing and building a relationship and then have it not work out when it comes down to it?

Just asking before I respond more.

Yes you are kind of getting it! Kind of... or maybe you are helping me get it.

I don't want to form romantic expectations with someone who I'm not sure, or don't at least think it will have a good chance of success with. - So yes, I don't want to have something not work out when it comes down to it, but there is more to it.

I'm not too worried about people knowing at lot about me, I'm a fairly open person, more them feeling romantically attached to me and me being the cause of it.

So I guess - my preferred method would be to know as much about as possible, if I think there is a decent chance, ask them out - get to know them as quickly as possible from here, work out whether it will work or not and then either break it up or start building.

But - I feel that most people would view this as extremely cold. Aka - if we go on a date and it sounds like a job interview - you aren't going to come away very impressed with me. Me finding out who you are essentially is not just a matter of 'you must have this, this, that quality, a uni degree and what not.' But - there are certain questions you can ask to find out exactly who a person is... I feel like I know these and can analyse pretty quickly - but I am asking these questions and analysing (although you may not notice!) I feel like you won't necessarily enjoy the date/like me.

The alternative to this is to get to know each other in more of a romantic way. For example, asking out a girl who seems like a chance and getting to know each other while you go through the process of dating. Getting to know each other while forming all these attachments and expectations that come with this. I just hate the idea of this...

So I guess I am looking for thoughts on this - how you would feel being the other part of this? I'm guessing if I ask you on a date and go at breakneck speed attempting to work out whether we can marry or not - this will be a serious turn off? Is there a way to go with some sort of middle line?

How would I approach this if I see someone who I think may be a good prospect, but the only way to get to know them may be through actually asking them out? What if they are someone who needs some romanticising but is otherwise perfect? (Not saying being romantic is bad at all! I suspect I'm a lot soppier than many guys! )

Am I starting to make more sense? I really hope I am.

As for the feeling right about things... Yes & no. A few years ago I had an extremely odd experience of being totally into someone, getting into a relationship with them and having all my feelings disappear within a week or two - not pleasant for either of us. I feel very comfortable talking to people, I'm fairly socially aware and able to keep conversations going with most people.

And LOL T-Laurich - the question is, when did they actually watch that movie together?

 

[Buff_Old_Guy]

Yes you are kind of getting it! Kind of... or maybe you are helping me get it.

I don't want to form romantic expectations with someone who I'm not sure, or don't at least think it will have a good chance of success with. - So yes, I don't want to have something not work out when it comes down to it, but there is more to it.

I'm not too worried about people knowing at lot about me, I'm a fairly open person, more them feeling romantically attached to me and me being the cause of it.

So I guess - my preferred method would be to know as much about as possible, if I think there is a decent chance, ask them out - get to know them as quickly as possible from here, work out whether it will work or not and then either break it up or start building.

But - I feel that most people would view this as extremely cold. Aka - if we go on a date and it sounds like a job interview - you aren't going to come away very impressed with me. Me finding out who you are essentially is not just a matter of 'you must have this, this, that quality, a uni degree and what not.' But - there are certain questions you can ask to find out exactly who a person is... I feel like I know these and can analyse pretty quickly - but I am asking these questions and analysing (although you may not notice!) I feel like you won't necessarily enjoy the date/like me.

The alternative to this is to get to know each other in more of a romantic way. For example, asking out a girl who seems like a chance and getting to know each other while you go through the process of dating. Getting to know each other while forming all these attachments and expectations that come with this. I just hate the idea of this...

So I guess I am looking for thoughts on this - how you would feel being the other part of this? I'm guessing if I ask you on a date and go at breakneck speed attempting to work out whether we can marry or not - this will be a serious turn off? Is there a way to go with some sort of middle line?

How would I approach this if I see someone who I think may be a good prospect, but the only way to get to know them may be through actually asking them out? What if they are someone who needs some romanticising but is otherwise perfect? (Not saying being romantic is bad at all! I suspect I'm a lot soppier than many guys! )

Am I starting to make more sense? I really hope I am.

As for the feeling right about things... Yes & no. A few years ago I had an extremely odd experience of being totally into someone, getting into a relationship with them and having all my feelings disappear within a week or two - not pleasant for either of us. I feel very comfortable talking to people, I'm fairly socially aware and able to keep conversations going with most people.

And LOL T-Laurich - the question is, when did they actually watch that movie together?

Hey, I think I understand you.

You and me are in the same boat. You want to know about the theory of it all... and get whatever answers you can get.

For your first problem... about not wanting to invest (or let the girl invest) too much before starting (building) a relationship.

Answer: Friendship, just be friends and before getting into any relationship... get to know her well on the friendship level. It's like pre-dating. This is where you can know as much as possible about the girl so you can make up your mind... be open to her as-well. I think it will make things cold between you and anyone. Trust me... I know... say what's on your mind and let people see you. It'll create a flow and that flow will probably transition into a future relationship.

How would I feel if a girl tried to get to know me at kneck breaking speed....?

I'd feel suspicious and be wondering why she's asking me so many questions and while not answering mine... or she answering my questions? If she is then I'd feel better about it because conversations are give and receive. Also... you should understand that people won't just open up to anyone... I mean the other person being known... and open him/herself up is going to want to feel very comfortable show you his/her soul, especially with the personal stuff. I think all girls need a little romance... but that's an art too. She has to want the romance too... like she should be falling for you and that's when the romance is appropriate.

So, she's gotta feel comfortable opening up and she has to actually want romance or like you for romanticizing to be appropriate. I guess small things... like a note or flowers would work to initiate the romancing. But, anything more depends on the relationship.

Extra Bonus Information: I personally have found that it helps to have something huge or deep that both people share. Like, for me... I had certain life experiences that weren't so rosey. And I met two girls in separate times in my life who experienced similar experiences... and I instantly connected with both. I swear I knew I could possibly be open with them and that a relationship was possible. (unfortunately, I couldn't start anything) But, I think it helps to have something huge or meaningful in common for that connection. Like, a life lesson... something that has defined you... something that only those people that experienced those experiences can understand.

Hope this helps

 

[Buff_Old_Guy]

You know, I made it sound like the deep connection has to be something sad... or bad. I would think it can work with something happy too. I'm sure it can be a hobby or something you enjoy to do.

But, I still think sad stuff is better though because it's deeper and usually more real.

 

[Stuey]

Thanks buff, pondering this at the moment. I'd agree friendship is an excellent way... and I generally do become friends first. I generally find it easy to connect with people.

 

[Powemm]

I think people forget that foundation stuey.. An important one ..
Takes time to pour things in and let them settle into a comfortable position .. before pouring another layer and letting that one cure to a solid foundation .. Observances , interactions and seeing how a person handles themselves and relates in situations , others and you .. because at some point you will be on the receiving end if all of it .. If god has done enough healing and mending in you though, you know the truth and can over look and love in much of it , therefore being able to give instead of looking to receive .. Make sense?