Girlfriend just broke up with me, I need advice

[cinder]

Hello, I am new here and really need some advice. My girlfriend of about 15 months broke up with me. She went on a weekend retreat and when she came back we broke up. A little background; We are both 20 years old in college. We met freshman year and were dating ever since. She recommitted her life to Jesus around 8 or 9 months ago. As for me, when she took me to church it was the first time I've ever been in my life. I really enjoyed it and I have wanting to commit my life to Jesus, but I haven't yet. I am a little scared because this is all new to me. Anyway, when she came back from the retreat she told me that she couldn't be with me anymore because she needs to give 100% of her heart to Jesus, and she can't do that if she is with me. We talked for hours and we both said how much we love each other. I've never loved a person as much as I love her. She is the woman I want to marry, and she says the same also. She says that she needs to be alone for this season of her life. That seasons come and go and that in this one she has to be alone. I just don't know what to do. We love each other so much. After we parted ways she texted me saying that she will always love me and this is just a season, that if it is Jesus's will, we will be together again. I need some advice. I love this girl more than I can imagine and we are just a perfect fit together. Is it possible to fully commit to Jesus while in a relationship? I am brand new to these things so I do not really know. She says that if it is God's will then we will end up together. What should I do? Should I let her be or should I try and get her to go talk to a Christian relationship counselor. It is my understanding that you can put God first in a relationship and give everything to him while still being together. Thanks for the help, sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Welcome to CC and sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. I don't know all the circumstances and dynamics of your relationship, but I do know that (at least back in my day) Christian youth culture can be very hard on relationships almost casting them as a direct competitor to loving God. It certainly is possible to love both God and another person and honor God in the midst of that, but most Christian circles tend to talk about avoid bad relationships or avoiding sin in your relationship more than about the nuts and bolts of having a good relationship.

As far as what you can be doing in this time: 1) grieve your loss. The loss is real the pain is real and it needs to be processed. 2) If your girlfriend has become much more serious about following God, the fact that you do not yet follow Christ will be a real barrier between the two of you from her perspective. Keep following the path of investigation you've been on until you feel confident in making a decision about whether to follow Christ or not. It should be a life altering decision and it should be one made for yourself. There is no guarantee that if you "become a Christian" then your girlfriend will get back together with you (as others have pointed out) so don't think you can do the deal with God thing here, you'll probably just end up hurt and confused if you try that. 3) make the taking space a serious thing. Don't do the just friends buddying around thing, that will most likely just make the situation more confusing and painful for both of you. Maybe set a separation time limit like you'll both take the rest of this semester to seek God (you're totally allowed to seek God and decide if you want to commit to this whole Christian thing or not, there may even be a Christian student group like intervarsity or campus crusade at your college that would love to help you understand such things) and talk again right before Christmas break to see where things stand. State the terms up front, but then both of you need to be ruthless with yourselves in not defaulting to contacting each other when you feel lonely or just want to feel connected to someone. That's not easy advice, but it is probably the best way for both of you to gain clarity about how strong and lasting of a foundation your relationship has.

That's the best I've got other than to say that you are free to ask any questions you have about Christianity or following God here. As you can see we get all types here, so if you want to post stalk some of us to find out who you would trust and PM those people directly that might be a good idea.

 

[lil_christian]

disclaimer
dɪsˈkleɪmə/
noun

• a statement that denies something, especially responsibility.
  
  
  

Sheesh...troll much? I'd try to make at least a half-hearted effort to sound as intelligent and as eloquent as you in your replies. But I have a headache and little time for trolling.

But I will say this - if you aren't a troll, then I'd advise you to answer people a little more respectfully if you want to stay well-liked, respected, or even just stay here. It's not a threat (because I don't have the power to do anything, nor would I want to), just a general piece of advice I give to people on here.

 

[lil_christian]

As far as the OP goes, I'm really sorry that you're having a tough time with things right now. I think Grace-Like-Rain and a few others have replied to this pretty well, and I wish I had more to add. But ultimately, this isn't between you and your girlfriend, it's between you and Christ. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. Everything else (AKA God's will) will fall into place. Whether this means God calls you to marry her or God calls you to move on. Your heart probably hurts a lot, and that's understandable. You probably DO want to use this as an opportunity to get back with your girlfriend, but that might not be the greatest mover on your part, so I'd advise you not to do that.

But I do have one question for you - Girlfriend aside, what IS holding you back from pursuing a relationship with God? Did you answer that already? I can't remember, but I'm curious about that.

 

[jsr1221]

Yeah man, forget the girl. The same thing happened to me. She actually ended up falling for another guy while at a camp, so maybe not the exact same thing, but I can relate.You ddon't need to take a step back for anyone. While she's in "her season of life" you be in yours also. You make her come to you if she really wants to be with you, and if she doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. Trust in God, and let Him do whatever His Will is for you. I'll be praying for you.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

You make her come to you if she really wants to be with you...

"Make" her?

 

[GodIsSalvation]

If what you say is as you have said it then I think your girlfriend is very wise. Nothing against you though, I have been broken up with once, I know it's sting and how it is a hard thing. Though for me there was zero chance of reconciliation, and though at the time it was hard I can see in hindsight how it was for the best. In your case though there is still the chance of reconciliation, but it seems the woman needs some time to better her walk, and perhaps this is good for you also to do the same. I think this will be good for the both of you. Just keep learning on the Bible, going to that church, and trying to love God and your neighbor more everyday.

 

[MollyConnor]

Hello! I'm glad you are thinking about giving your life to Jesus. Please really consider it and take it seriously. That would be a huge blessing to you. As I was reading your post, I was thinking to myself how much more important your salvation is than the relationship with this young lady. What I'm trying to say is that you really need to give yourself time and learn about God. Let him into your life and read the Word. You will notice yourself changing.

Your ex-girlfriend probably doesn't want to be unequally yoked with someone else. She needs a Christian man. If you really want her, you're going to have to let her go and see if this relationship is really what the Lord wants. Give yourself to God, read the Word and start going to church. Once you really feel changed and if you still yearn for her, ask her out again. This time show her that you're a real Christian man.

But please don't go into Christianity for a girl. Do it because you feel in your heart that you want to. It's the best decision you could ever make but I cannot convince you of that. You have to see it for yourself. I hope that you do. God bless!

P.S. Don't overdo it with text messages or phone calls. She asked for some space and you should respect that. Give her time and give yourself time with God. Get to know Him.

 

[tmac187]

Thank you for all the responses and your prayer, it means a lot. I really do believe that she loves me and wishes for a future with me. Long story short she suffered from depression. When I met her she was in a really bad place. A couple months after dating she gave her life to God. God saved her from her depression. She told me that she wants God to fill all of the holes in her heart. And that she needs to be alone to do this since I was filling a huge hole in her heart. I know her very well and I do not think this is a line she is using to get out of the relationship. I asked her that straight up and she said she would never. She wants God to fill in all the holes of her heart so she can have a full heart to love God with. Then in turn love me. She said once God has healed her we will see what is going on in our lives. She also wants to stay friends once we get over the grieving period. I don't know how long this healing process is going to be, and I don't want to wait for her. I want to live my life as she is doing hers, and if we meet again in the future then it was meant to be.

As for my situation with God. I did not grow up in a religious family and the first time I went to church was the day she re-devoted her life to God. After that I could not keep up as she was joining ministries and clubs that I felt like I didn't belong to. I honestly loved going to church and learning the lessons they provided, but I am just afraid that I won't be able to live up to the standards of being a Christian. Right now I don't live by those standards and I fear if I give my life to God I will fail him. I also am having a hard time completely turning to God because it seems to me, that God is the one who has taken away the most important thing in my life. Like others said, we were not both christians, her focus in our relationship was God, and my focus was on her. I love her more than anything, but if I am going to give my self to God I want it to be for me, not for her. Thank you all for the replies.

 

[Olerica]

Thank you for all the responses and your prayer, it means a lot. I really do believe that she loves me and wishes for a future with me. Long story short she suffered from depression. When I met her she was in a really bad place. A couple months after dating she gave her life to God. God saved her from her depression. She told me that she wants God to fill all of the holes in her heart. And that she needs to be alone to do this since I was filling a huge hole in her heart. I know her very well and I do not think this is a line she is using to get out of the relationship. I asked her that straight up and she said she would never. She wants God to fill in all the holes of her heart so she can have a full heart to love God with. Then in turn love me. She said once God has healed her we will see what is going on in our lives. She also wants to stay friends once we get over the grieving period. I don't know how long this healing process is going to be, and I don't want to wait for her. I want to live my life as she is doing hers, and if we meet again in the future then it was meant to be.

As for my situation with God. I did not grow up in a religious family and the first time I went to church was the day she re-devoted her life to God. After that I could not keep up as she was joining ministries and clubs that I felt like I didn't belong to. I honestly loved going to church and learning the lessons they provided, but I am just afraid that I won't be able to live up to the standards of being a Christian. Right now I don't live by those standards and I fear if I give my life to God I will fail him. I also am having a hard time completely turning to God because it seems to me, that God is the one who has taken away the most important thing in my life. Like others said, we were not both christians, her focus in our relationship was God, and my focus was on her. I love her more than anything, but if I am going to give my self to God I want it to be for me, not for her. Thank you all for the replies.

Yeah, I understand this. Please hear this in an 'affectionate older sister' tone of voice:

You will not be able to live up to God's standards. We're human and messy and sinful. Accepting salvation does mean a change in behavior, but he changes our hearts in that process. Once we realize how much we are loved, the great magnitude of his love for us, the depth of forgiveness, the price that was paid, we want to please him and we want to make changes in our lives. Do we always get it right? Nope.

Keep seeking God, tmac. Ask him to reveal himself and please feel free to talk to us here in the singles area about your questions.

I know what misery I've been released from. I know the depth of grace and mercy and I know God has the same freedom in him for you. Praying for you!!

 

[lil_christian]

If being a Christian was all about "Living up to God's standards" consider me not a Christian and going to a very very hot place.

I wish I could give more input but I was raised the opposite way of most people. I was raised strictly Christian. Almost EVERYONE in my immediate family is Christian. Give or take a few cousins, maybe an aunt and uncle. This isn't to say that I haven't had my days where I felt pretty done with Christianity or with God. I've had my fair share of those. But I have a completely different perspective than you and I'm not sure it's a helpful one.

 

[Omni]

Sheesh...troll much? I'd try to make at least a half-hearted effort to sound as intelligent and as eloquent as you in your replies. But I have a headache and little time for trolling.

But I will say this - if you aren't a troll, then I'd advise you to answer people a little more respectfully if you want to stay well-liked, respected, or even just stay here. It's not a threat (because I don't have the power to do anything, nor would I want to), just a general piece of advice I give to people on here.

Respect isn't the same as denial. If you'd rather tell comforting lies to people who need to hear the truth, feel free, but in my experience, people aren't nice because they're actually nice, people are nice because they don't have the stomach to be honest with themselves and everyone else.

This girl clearly doesn't care as much about this guy as he seems to think she does.

 

[ServantStrike]

I'm trying to figure out your ex girlfriend's reasoning, and I think I may have stumbled upon it.

At any point did the two of you get super close, even as far as say making out? If so, then yes, she can't be with you at this juncture in her life if she's trying to get closer to Christ. You'll be an anchor until you make a decision where you stand with Him.


I would make an honest decision right now if I were you whether or not Christianity is for you. There is no second guessing or hand wringing to be done here. Decide if you're willing to submit to God in exchange for eternal reward, and a life filled with Him.

If your girlfriend was a bit more patient, then you could have sat down and talked this out, and she could have held out to see fruit in your life, but I really can't say what the situation is there.

 

[Olerica]

I'm trying to figure out your ex girlfriend's reasoning, and I think I may have stumbled upon it.

At any point did the two of you get super close, even as far as say making out? If so, then yes, she can't be with you at this juncture in her life if she's trying to get closer to Christ. You'll be an anchor until you make a decision where you stand with Him.


I would make an honest decision right now if I were you whether or not Christianity is for you. There is no second guessing or hand wringing to be done here. Decide if you're willing to submit to God in exchange for eternal reward, and a life filled with Him.

If your girlfriend was a bit more patient, then you could have sat down and talked this out, and she could have held out to see fruit in your life, but I really can't say what the situation is there.

I don't know if I'd lay it at her feet that she wasn't patient with him. She DID just return from a retreat, and I'm guessing it was a Christian one where she got a good dose of conviction. And that she left the door open because she is hoping that he come to relationship with Christ because she does love him.

 

[ServantStrike]

I don't know if I'd lay it at her feet that she wasn't patient with him. She DID just return from a retreat, and I'm guessing it was a Christian one where she got a good dose of conviction. And that she left the door open because she is hoping that he come to relationship with Christ because she does love him.

I said it wrong.

She was too patient (9 months), but I wouldn't have done this via text. That may be a personal preference.


When I was 20, I dumped my only other serious girlfriend because she wasn't following Christ closely enough. Sometimes you have to cut your losses.


I'm also guessing there was a level of physical intimacy involved here that makes this very awkward for her. Just a guess though.

 

[tmac187]

Well she didnt break up with my via text. We talked for around 4 hours before we broke it off, in person. Also yes, we were physical. We did have sex up until 2 months ago, but we stopped when she asked me to stop. We ran into each other on campus yesterday and she said that she wants to be friends until God heals her heart completely and she gives 100% of her heart to him. The healing part is a really big thing, because she has been through a lot in her life, but I am not going to post it on here. I trust her and I see where she is coming from. Like I said before, I think that she just needs time alone with God, and away from me at this time, because yes, I was pulling her away from God. Also, I have found myself turning to God the past couple days and it has helped a lot. Because I know he has a plan for everyone and if we end up just being friends or actually end up married I will be happy with either. I just didn't want to completely lose her from my life.

 

[tourist]

Assuming humans share common psychologies, then "I need to give my heart to Jesus" means "I want to break up with you and this is the sentence that is the easiest to say and the least likely to be met with a lot of angry resistance", while "I will always love you" means "like a brother, but without the ever-seeing-you-again part".

Don't kid yourself, man. You know that there's nothing stopping her from being a Christian and being with you at the same time. You know she's lying to you. There's a very short list when it comes to reasons why a woman breaks up with a man.

1. She doesn't want to be with him

Don't spend your life waiting for a maybe. You might think it's romantic, but it's not. It's pitiful. She wants you to wait around in the background as her security deposit while she lives her life whatever way she likes, for the better or for the worse. Why should you trust anything she says, when she's able to break your heart as casually and effortlessly as she did?

Don't do it; move on with your own life.

I fully concur. I especially agree with your first paragraph. It's the Christian equivalent of saying "let's be friends". It's quite lame.

 

[Olerica]

Well she didnt break up with my via text. We talked for around 4 hours before we broke it off, in person. Also yes, we were physical. We did have sex up until 2 months ago, but we stopped when she asked me to stop. We ran into each other on campus yesterday and she said that she wants to be friends until God heals her heart completely and she gives 100% of her heart to him. The healing part is a really big thing, because she has been through a lot in her life, but I am not going to post it on here. I trust her and I see where she is coming from. Like I said before, I think that she just needs time alone with God, and away from me at this time, because yes, I was pulling her away from God. Also, I have found myself turning to God the past couple days and it has helped a lot. Because I know he has a plan for everyone and if we end up just being friends or actually end up married I will be happy with either. I just didn't want to completely lose her from my life.

I've been praying for you tmac, I'm so glad you are turning to God in this time. Keep praying. And feel free to participate in other threads here too, you know? Please ask questions (typically, the Singles area is pretty safe) and we'd love to help you in your quest. God bless!!

 

[Aqua_Girl09]

Ok. so this Omni person seems so angry and against everyone. From reading their post they seem very much like a person who wants to argue a person just becuase they're hating the world around them

That being said. My post was to give hope. I'm not telling him to change his life. And if he LOVES her then theres no harm in waiting for her to be ready. The SAME thing ANY woman would do for ANY guy that says hes in love with her but he needs to focus on other aspects of life until hes ready to commit to her.

This way of courting is NOT just for boys or men. Its for women too. You have to be around someone for them to get to know you and decide if they want a relationship with them. I'm not telling him to throw himself at her feet. But if he dissapears theres not a chance in the world for this to work out.

And he clearly said that they talked and she still loves him. So she didn't just say she was done with him. But that she needed focus and couldn't do that AND give him the attention required of a relationship. Its not like they're 30 years old and married and she said she "needed a break". She wasn't taking his heart and "smashing" it. She was doing what was best for her and if they get back together it will be even better for their relationship that she took this time to so what she felt like she needed to alone.

Waiting is a hard thing to do so tmac187 if you feel like its too hard for you then you always have the choice of moving on. There ARE plenty of other fish in the sea and I'm sure you would be able to love another as much as you love this girl. But if you want to wait for her, from what you've posted, you still have a good chance of winning her back.

 

[Omni]

Ok. so this Omni person seems so angry and against everyone. From reading their post they seem very much like a person who wants to argue a person just becuase they're hating the world around them

I don't hate the world, I just don't think it's rainbows and puppy dogs all the time.

That being said. My post was to give hope. I'm not telling him to change his life. And if he LOVES her then theres no harm in waiting for her to be ready.

There is when she's not interested in having a relationship with him, at least not unless he changes his beliefs. That's emotional blackmail where I come from. There's a lot of harm in having to compromise oneself in order to win someone else's affection. He shouldn't have to compromise himself. He should find a woman who doesn't expect him to compromise himself.

The SAME thing ANY woman would do for ANY guy that says hes in love with her but he needs to focus on other aspects of life until hes ready to commit to her.

Waiting out for someone who has made it clear in their actions (regardless of their words) that they don't want you, is a waste of time and energy.

This way of courting is NOT just for boys or men. Its for women too. You have to be around someone for them to get to know you and decide if they want a relationship with them. I'm not telling him to throw himself at her feet. But if he dissapears theres not a chance in the world for this to work out.

He shouldn't be expecting it to work out. That would be denial.

And he clearly said that they talked and she still loves him. So she didn't just say she was done with him.

I assume you've never head of "breaking it to someone gently".

But that she needed focus and couldn't do that AND give him the attention required of a relationship. Its not like they're 30 years old and married and she said she "needed a break". She wasn't taking his heart and "smashing" it.

You think people have to be in a relationship for thirty years to be heartbroken about its end?

She was doing what was best for her and if they get back together it will be even better for their relationship that she took this time to so what she felt like she needed to alone.

She was doing what was best for her, yes; she was being selfish and she has every right to be selfish, it's her life. But good relationships aren't based on selfishness.

 

[tmac187]

Ok. so this Omni person seems so angry and against everyone. From reading their post they seem very much like a person who wants to argue a person just becuase they're hating the world around them

That being said. My post was to give hope. I'm not telling him to change his life. And if he LOVES her then theres no harm in waiting for her to be ready. The SAME thing ANY woman would do for ANY guy that says hes in love with her but he needs to focus on other aspects of life until hes ready to commit to her.

This way of courting is NOT just for boys or men. Its for women too. You have to be around someone for them to get to know you and decide if they want a relationship with them. I'm not telling him to throw himself at her feet. But if he dissapears theres not a chance in the world for this to work out.

And he clearly said that they talked and she still loves him. So she didn't just say she was done with him. But that she needed focus and couldn't do that AND give him the attention required of a relationship. Its not like they're 30 years old and married and she said she "needed a break". She wasn't taking his heart and "smashing" it. She was doing what was best for her and if they get back together it will be even better for their relationship that she took this time to so what she felt like she needed to alone.

Waiting is a hard thing to do so tmac187 if you feel like its too hard for you then you always have the choice of moving on. There ARE plenty of other fish in the sea and I'm sure you would be able to love another as much as you love this girl. But if you want to wait for her, from what you've posted, you still have a good chance of winning her back.

Thanks for your response. So when we talked yesterday, she explained this break up as her chance to have God completely heal her heart and completely trust God. She was not able to do that when she was with me because if she had a problem she would run to me, and not God and she wanted to change that. She told me that once she had learned to trust God completely in everything, she would be ready for a relationship with me again. And no i don't think she is making these things up to just find a easy way out. In my opinion our relationship was very serious for one that was only 15 months long. Anyway, during this time when we are not together, I am going to focus on myself like she is doing. And if the time is right, when she feels like she can get back into a relationship, we will try things again. It will be a fresh start where we will be able to focus on the right things at all times. It is pretty hard for me right now, but I know it is best for both of us. Thanks again everyone for the prayers and replies, it really means a lot.