If We're All Such Relationship Experts, Why Are We All Single?

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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#21
May 23, 2009
14,943
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#21
Ugly--for my own personal perspective (and the reason why I wrote the thread), I'm not differentiating between the two.

What I'm trying to say is...

Are a bunch of people who aren't entering into relationships or maintaining them (either one) qualified to tell each other or anyone how to go about doing those very things?

(Would you trust a heart surgeon to replace your heart if he'd never actually successfully performed the operation before?)

Yup, I know they're different concepts. But the principle remains the same. How is experience vs. inexperience worth when it comes to advice for a Godly, Christian relationship/marriage? (Whether finding, maintaining, or prolonging one, as we talk about the entire span of the subject here in the forum.)
 
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Jordache

Guest
#22
#22
1). Just because we know what to do doesn't mean we're good at actually doing it.
2). Love blinds and often our own intelligence does us no good because we are blinded.
 
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richie_2uk

Guest
#23
#23
I think its about honesty at the end of the day. I wouldn't trust a surgeon if he or she hasn't performed a surgery. But you you like to trust the fact he or she would of told you of his experience/ I see your point. I see people giving advice even though they cant advise themselves. I seen that loads of times. some people can actually give good sound advice, yet they cant help themselves, strange way of course. but it happens. I think with many people they are looking for advice they already know, but want confirmation from another person, regardless if they are experienced or not. Saddly those people are risking taking on board what they say, then end up learning the same mistakes as the person giving the advice. so its a vicious circle. I see you point though.
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#24
#24
Ha ha, the only one that qualifies as an Expert IMO is a someone who has been happily married for at least 20 years. Everybody here has their strengths and weaknesses to share though
 
leelee

leelee

Senior Member
#25
Sep 5, 2011
1,258
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#25
Even a heart surgeon has a first time, usually they don't tell you. While I was still a student nurse I didn't announce to a patient that I had never done what I was going to before, if they asked I didn't lie.
 
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dashadow

Guest
#26
#26
rachelsedge said:
Edited to add: I have never had a boyfriend, been asked, or been pursued (which answers the question of why I'm still single, ha), just for some perspective on my post. I literally have NO experience. So maybe this post in and of itself should be taken with a grain of salt. :cool:
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Hard to believe. You must be hiding out in a nunnery. :)
 
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Perseus

Guest
#27
#27
It's like the people who complain about not being able to find someone, then tell other people to be "content" in their singleness or else they're disturbing God's plan. Glad someone has noticed the paradox.

I'm single, mostly because I'm not attracted to American women and because I don't want a relationship right now.

That being said, if I do run across a thread in this section that I reply to, I try to make sure it's scripturally-based and built on sound doctrine more than just a random opinion I have.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#28
#28
(MissCris, please come around more. I always enjoy your posts. :D)

I was VERY happily married for fifteen years before my husband passed away. If I'm being perfectly honest, the reasons I'm not married at the moment are not for lack of interest or opportunity, but:

1. It wasn't God's will for me at the time; and
2. Before he passed my husband made certain requests of me as to how he wanted me to raise our son. I loved my God, my husband and my son enough to want to honor those requests, as he was older and always far wiser than I. I was always afraid that if I married again before my son was raised this would be an issue. My new husband would be the man of the house and his ways might conflict with those requests. I felt this was a situation best avoided for everyone. My son is grown now, so I'm ready to move on to new chapters in my life.

In the years I have been single, I have learned a lot about dating, what works and what does not. It's been said that, "Those who have made the most mistakes are the most qualified to give advice." :D From mistakes we hopefully gain wisdom, especially if we ask God to use our struggles in this way. If we love others and see them questioning and hurting in here, it should move us to want to keep them from falling into the same mistakes. Wisdom, itself, dictates that it be shared.

I have never been divorced, but AM a child of a broken family, so I do understand it from a different perspective than some. I'm also a single mom, so I understand things from that perspective as well.

I spent nine years in law enforcement and have worked in the legal profession since that time. In addition to my own failures and victories, I have witnesses those of thousands of others, and I have shared my heart and prayers with them.

I have to believe that there is a reason for all of that or I might be a little upset with God about some of it :) God uses EVERYTHING we go through, good and bad, for good in the lives of those who belong to Him. That is why I come here. That is why I pray. That is why I listen. It is why I share as transparently as possible....because I love you all so very much and pray God's best for each of you. And in sharing, I heal too. :)

If I get on your nerves from time to time...good...that makes us family :D <3
 
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Ugly

Guest
#29
#29
seoulsearch said:
Ugly--for my own personal perspective (and the reason why I wrote the thread), I'm not differentiating between the two.

What I'm trying to say is...

Are a bunch of people who aren't entering into relationships or maintaining them (either one) qualified to tell each other or anyone how to go about doing those very things?

(Would you trust a heart surgeon to replace your heart if he'd never actually successfully performed the operation before?)

Yup, I know they're different concepts. But the principle remains the same. How is experience vs. inexperience worth when it comes to advice for a Godly, Christian relationship/marriage? (Whether finding, maintaining, or prolonging one, as we talk about the entire span of the subject here in the forum.)
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I've been in relationships. I've entered relationships. I've made mistakes and learned from them. I've read up on how to understand the opposite sex better. On how to make relationships better.

According to your thinking only people who are, or seem to be in 'good' relationships have the right to give advice. But how many 'good' relationships end 5 years later because of the mistakes they made? At what point does a person 'deserve' or 'earn' the right to give advice? 30 years of good marriage? More? How many people, especially Christians put up a facade of a good marriage to save face and not look 'bad' in front of other Christians? I've known people like that.
We've all learned things along the way in our relationships, good and bad, why does the fact we're not actively in a relationship disqualify us from passing on what we've learned when we were in a relationship, or through other methods?
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#30
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
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#30
seoulsearch, I believe single people do have good advice for other singles, but it's kind of like this:

"Well......... this is the way I did it........ didn't work........ so....... don't do that". :p JK!
 
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Chrissy77

Guest
#31
#31
I think, Seoul, that you learn from your experiences. As a parent, you tell your kid not to do something, yet they do it anyways. The results from the action they did teaches them that their parents are correct. Why are parents correct? Because we have been there, done that. I don't post very often in threads where someone is asking for advice for the specific reasons you mentioned, but I learned something from my pastor and many other people walking a real walk with God. That is that while I have failed, it is in my failure that I can teach someone else. I can then show my children how and what a "real" marriage is. I can tell them how you never give up. I can say don't marry that person unless you are sure that is what God is telling you to do. I can't give advice on how to find that special someone because I don't have that answer. I can't answer how do you know what "love" is because most days I don't know if I'd know what it was if it hit me in the face except what I remember it being at the start of my marriage. I can't tell someone how to make so and so love you because I failed at that myself. All I can say is what I have experienced in my life and in my walk with God. All I can teach is how NOT to do what I did. My words are those of a woman who was broken and found salvation at my Savior's feet. That is what advice I set out to give. If I lose it all, just give me Jesus!!
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#32
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
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#32
The way I see it, everyone has experienced life lessons and has something of value to contribute regarding the subject of relationships, whether they be single or married.

A couple at my church has been very transparent about what an affair did to their marriage. It was the husband (in this case) who had the affair, and the wife chose to forgive him and they have both been working very hard on the issues that almost destroyed their marriage. They both co-taught a relationship class shortly after sharing all this with our church.

With another couple at my church, the wife chose not to be married anymore. There was no affair, just a lot of passive-aggressiveness, anger, bitterness, selfishness and immaturity from both of them. He took a good long look at his own issues, wanted to keep working on their mutual problems, but she wanted out, and to this day, doesn't seem to have acknowledged her role in any of their problems.

sooooo - - are we to value the opinion more of the man who is guilty of adultery than the now-single man who is not? Both are married or single at the discretion of the woman in each case. I don't see that such a decision magically grants or denies one such insight that his advice or opinion should be considered higher or lower than anyone else's.

BTW - - I'm the second guy
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#33
Apr 27, 2011
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#33
We're single because we're not married. Every boyfriend I've ever had has proposed to me. I've had plenty of opportunity to get hitched and I'm glad I didn't marry any of them. Right now it's good for me to be single. And just because I'm not happily married doesn't mean I don't have a good thing to say now and again.
 
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Relena7

Guest
#34
#34
Not in all cases, but there are some things that are more easily seen from an outside point of view. We're more likely to give unbiased answers if we aren't the ones in the situation for more well-rounded points of view.

Not all singles have been single forever, and them sharing what they've learned from any past mistakes can sometimes help others.

And many are simply passing on wisdom passed on from other successful happy couples.

I don't consider myself an "expert" but I know some things. I've watched a lot of Dr. Phil, ha ha. :) And I have been raised in a home with parents who are in a happy marriage, and have seen many good examples of loving relationships growing up. And I've witnessed patterns of bad relationships as well. You can't help but pick things up sometimes.

(I'm not technically single cause I'm dating a guy... but I'm not married, so I wanted to reply anyway.)

Advice of other people is just that, advice. You don't have to follow their entire life path to pick out a few pearls of wisdom they have to share. Everyone has weak spots. Being in a relationship doesn't make a person any more of an "expert" on every individual couple's relationships any more than being single makes you terrible at giving relationship advice.

:)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#35
Aug 2, 2009
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#35
I'm just really really smart. :p





Except when I'm trying to figure out what to order at Mcdonalds. :p
 
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Hal51

Guest
#38
#38
I turned my life over to Jesus may 2011, I have not been with a woman since oct 16, 09. Since I have been born again I have had no physical contact with a woman. Very close though but it felt like God was in the same room and I knew the truth so I pushed away. I like to think that I am a virgin.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#39
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
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#39
Well I've had a lot of relationships, some serious and some not, as well as some christian and some not. Ive learned a lot from them, and the mistakes ive made in them. Im at a point now where I know what I am looking for and am fine being single until i find it. It doesnt mean i dont get lonely but i also dont want to settle.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#40
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,587
113
#40
Ugly said:
I've been in relationships. I've entered relationships. I've made mistakes and learned from them. I've read up on how to understand the opposite sex better. On how to make relationships better.

According to your thinking only people who are, or seem to be in 'good' relationships have the right to give advice. But how many 'good' relationships end 5 years later because of the mistakes they made? At what point does a person 'deserve' or 'earn' the right to give advice? 30 years of good marriage? More? How many people, especially Christians put up a facade of a good marriage to save face and not look 'bad' in front of other Christians? I've known people like that.
We've all learned things along the way in our relationships, good and bad, why does the fact we're not actively in a relationship disqualify us from passing on what we've learned when we were in a relationship, or through other methods?
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Nope. I'm definitely not saying only people in good relationships have good advice.

You may have noticed... I enjoy seeing how people feel about hot topics... from pretty much every available angle.

The very reason I ask the things I do is because I believe people from all walks of life have something to contribute.

I just also think it's important to do reality checks now and then.
 
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