If You Had a Relationship With Someone On CC, Would You Announce It In The Forum?

[Arlene89]

Well.

I have learnt some hard lessons the hard way. I thought I could come back to CC because I miss being vulnerable with people. But to be honest, I am so embarrassed.

When Christian and I first started it off, we made a big commotion out of it. But we were like two school kids that were so excited and wanted to share with everyone. We would talk over the phone at night how funny it was to flood the CC forums with cute stuff about our relationship, but to be honest, we came from the angle that we were actually encouraging people that love on CC was possible. So we thought, I think now with some wisdom a lot of people may not have seen it that way.

But the fact is when you put yourself out at such a level, and then the break up does happen, for some reason it seems that people feel entitled for the juicy goss of the break up as well.

All I can say is although the relationship didn't work, God still blessed me tremendously with friends and adventures in coming to know Christian and I am still tightly networked with people from his home town. While together, I was blessed in watching Christian grow in great ways. But it just didn't work.

We mess up, and God still blesses.

Christian told me there were a selected few that he privately messaged about our break up, and I am confident he did so respectfully and honoured me as he always has. But I will say this, I owe no one my side of the story. I'm sorry I had to learn so many hard lessons the way I did, but it happened, and here I am, so embarrassed that I told myself I will never be that person who hurt someone like that again, and I have.

I have cut most of my hair off. It is boyishly short now. Because I am not ready for love and I have promised to pursue God and not relationships until it grows out, which may take close to a year and a half to two. I have so much to learn about who I really want in my life and what love really looks like.

For now, my heart aches and I feel there is no place in the CC community for me anymore.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I don't see anything wrong with sharing the news of a relationship on CC especially if you are active and have many good friends here. I've developed a deep love for many of those here, and would want to share that joy with them. That is, if it were a serious committed relationship. That means - meeting, connecting deeply with one another, and heading toward marriage.

I would definitely try not to spread too much romantic joy all over the forum - ha - because I know that's better in very small, tasteful doses.

If something happens? Just be VERY discreet and respectful about it. Nothing wrong with saying, "Things didn't work out" and leaving it there.

The majority of a relationship will (and should) happen in private of course, but with a close community of friends it's okay to share. In fact, if it is that serious, and you keep it secret from even your closest friends, it would feel "wrong" to hide it, at least to me.

So that's my take on it.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Well.

I have learnt some hard lessons the hard way. I thought I could come back to CC because I miss being vulnerable with people. But to be honest, I am so embarrassed.

When Christian and I first started it off, we made a big commotion out of it. But we were like two school kids that were so excited and wanted to share with everyone. We would talk over the phone at night how funny it was to flood the CC forums with cute stuff about our relationship, but to be honest, we came from the angle that we were actually encouraging people that love on CC was possible. So we thought, I think now with some wisdom a lot of people may not have seen it that way.

But the fact is when you put yourself out at such a level, and then the break up does happen, for some reason it seems that people feel entitled for the juicy goss of the break up as well.

All I can say is although the relationship didn't work, God still blessed me tremendously with friends and adventures in coming to know Christian and I am still tightly networked with people from his home town. While together, I was blessed in watching Christian grow in great ways. But it just didn't work.

We mess up, and God still blesses.

Christian told me there were a selected few that he privately messaged about our break up, and I am confident he did so respectfully and honoured me as he always has. But I will say this, I owe no one my side of the story. I'm sorry I had to learn so many hard lessons the way I did, but it happened, and here I am, so embarrassed that I told myself I will never be that person who hurt someone like that again, and I have.

I have cut most of my hair off. It is boyishly short now. Because I am not ready for love and I have promised to pursue God and not relationships until it grows out, which may take close to a year and a half to two. I have so much to learn about who I really want in my life and what love really looks like.

For now, my heart aches and I feel there is no place in the CC community for me anymore.

Arlene (and Christian too) - life happens. It goes up, it goes down, it is life. Sharing it with others can bring joy, or cause pain, but it's life. We love you both. I love that we are all real with one another. It's nice that we can be real when things are great, and be real when things fall apart too. (And yeah, that we can say "no" when someone asks for details, because some things are just meant for us alone.)

*HUGS*

I'm glad you're back. People who take a fall and still hang in there impress me so much. If you'd disappeared forever, I wouldn't have been nearly as inspired by you as I am right now.

I have no clue what happened and I don't care. Life happens. I love you both. I'm glad you're both here.

 

[Tintin]

This is a difficult thread for me. Would I even purse another online relationship? Probably not. For now I'm just going to heal and grow closer to God. But if you find the Enemy throwing your past in your face, remind him of his future. In Christ you are victorious.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Well.

I have learnt some hard lessons the hard way. I thought I could come back to CC because I miss being vulnerable with people. But to be honest, I am so embarrassed.

When Christian and I first started it off, we made a big commotion out of it. But we were like two school kids that were so excited and wanted to share with everyone. We would talk over the phone at night how funny it was to flood the CC forums with cute stuff about our relationship, but to be honest, we came from the angle that we were actually encouraging people that love on CC was possible. So we thought, I think now with some wisdom a lot of people may not have seen it that way.

But the fact is when you put yourself out at such a level, and then the break up does happen, for some reason it seems that people feel entitled for the juicy goss of the break up as well.

All I can say is although the relationship didn't work, God still blessed me tremendously with friends and adventures in coming to know Christian and I am still tightly networked with people from his home town. While together, I was blessed in watching Christian grow in great ways. But it just didn't work.

We mess up, and God still blesses.

Christian told me there were a selected few that he privately messaged about our break up, and I am confident he did so respectfully and honoured me as he always has. But I will say this, I owe no one my side of the story. I'm sorry I had to learn so many hard lessons the way I did, but it happened, and here I am, so embarrassed that I told myself I will never be that person who hurt someone like that again, and I have.

I have cut most of my hair off. It is boyishly short now. Because I am not ready for love and I have promised to pursue God and not relationships until it grows out, which may take close to a year and a half to two. I have so much to learn about who I really want in my life and what love really looks like.

For now, my heart aches and I feel there is no place in the CC community for me anymore.

To be open and honest, you and Christian were the people I immediately thought of when I saw this thread title. I was already planning to try to be gracious in my post because I don't want either of you to feel alienated. If you feel that you made mistakes along the way, you are in good company I myself have made mistakes that I regret when it comes to pursuing a woman, but I have learned from them and continued to move forward.

I think in any discussion, it's good to be willing to look at the good and the bad of things. If something is either all good or all bad, you're probably out of balance and are missing some truth somewhere. So here's the way that I see this topic:

The Good
-You give the people in the community that you love an opportunity to exercise Romans 12:15. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." In a context where we know most of our friends are ever on the lookout for a potential life partner, it's definitely exciting when two people take a step a little closer to that. Relationships are fun and exciting, so it's hard not to be giddy about them for some of us (myself included).
-You give yourself an opportunity to be held accountable in different aspects of your relationship.
-It gives you an outlet to express the great degree of emotion you're feeling after spending time with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

The Bad
-You set yourself up for unneeded pressure in different situations. I really want to be careful with my words but honest in my thoughts: I think in the case of you two, Arlene and Christian, the perspective that I had watching the thread you two had and some of the other posts I saw on the board was "They are both really godly people, they seem to get along well, and they really seem into each other. This looks like it's headed straight for marriage!" I can't speak for others and whether or not they had similar thoughts, but I think making a relationship public can put pressure on the couple to make things work so as not to disappoint the people cheering them on. It's like you get that momentum going and then before you realize it, it's driving you instead of the other way around.
-It adds distraction to a delicate relationship and a delicate heart attitude. What I mean by this is that the effort in a relationship should be to keep Christ at the center of everything, and when you bring a lot of people along for the ride with you, you are increasing the chances of your focus being shifted away from honoring Christ and more toward pleasing people. Also, you are creating a lot of noise that can get in the way of you really being able to get to know each other. Relationships, especially in the first few months, are really delicate and anything that could rock the boat unnecessarily should be avoided.
-You run the risk of having to reign everything in if things don't work out. Now you not only have potential conflict between yourself and the other person, but also between friends as they potentially take sides. You also have to deal with a lot of nosy comments and questions as you are trying to work through your own emotions.

So...you'll notice that the bad section is not necessarily longer, but at least more weighty than the good section. For me personally then, this is how I would address the question of the thread: I would have no qualms with making mention of it maybe once publicly and leaving it at that. Putting myself in that situation, I can see how that could be potentially beneficial so that other guys know she's taken and to take it easy on the flirty speak haha. But aside from that, I wouldn't specifically make mention of it on the forum publicly, although I probably would tell my closer friends here that it's happening. If things progressed to the point of engagement, then I would be okay with being much more public about things and inviting people to celebrate what God has done in us and our relationship.



Ok, so with all of that said...Christian and Arlene, I want you both to know that I wrote none of this to beat either of you up. I can easily see myself going about things the way that you did. Everything I just said is what I draw from what I think are wise choices that can be made in a relationship that develops on CC, but I am terrible at following my own advice sometimes. And as I said up above, I have made mistakes of my own that I wish I could take back, but all I could do is learn from them and keep walking. You two are awesome, godly individuals that are very much loved and respected here. There are many people here, including me, who are friends to you, and as long as we're here, you will always have a place.

And Arlene, thank you for being so forthright and honest in your post. As I said, there will always be a place for you here. Your input in threads here is really valuable, and your friendship is a blessing to a lot of people, I know. Relationships start and end, and there are things to work through there relationally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., but you are not the bad guy. And neither is Christian. You met, befriended each other, and then dated for awhile, and you honored God and each other throughout. That is a blessing of an example for those of us who have little relationship experience to see. There are a lot of bad examples out there, so to be able to witness the blossoming of a godly relationship is a privilege, and to see the way that you have honored and respected each other after ending the relationship has been an even more powerful example to us.
I know that your godly examples are not just limited to relationships either, which is why I say that there is without a doubt a place for you here. You both have a lot to offer in the way of wisdom, fellowship, encouragement, etc., and I would hate to see that go away.

 

[Tintin]

Ugh, yes, I see that I've made mistakes with how I conducted myself on CC. The excitement of my first relationship ever blinded me to the fact that I was over sharing at times in our times together. I apologise to each and every one of you for the pain I may have caused. That was never my intention. I was naive and passionate, but that doesn't excuse my thoughtless behaviour and even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Please forgive me, my dear brothers and sisters. Thank you. Goodbye.

 

[p_rehbein]

Discretion is the better part of valor...........or so the old adage goes.......

To me, there is a reason they are called "personal" relationships.........it's like ones relationship with God. It's personal. A heart thingy, and no other person truly knows the depth, breadth, and strength of such a relationship.

 

[Lynx]

But the fact is when you put yourself out at such a level, and then the break up does happen, for some reason it seems that people feel entitled for the juicy goss of the break up as well.

Actually... You will never know how tempting it was to bug Tintin for details. But I know if I were in that situation I would NOT want to talk about it - I hate gossip, I would want to respect the rights of the lady in the matter and frankly I wouldn't feel like poking my finger in a wound just to satisfy someone's curiosity - so I refrained. But it was tempting...

 

[secularhermit]

Ugh, yes, I see that I've made mistakes with how I conducted myself on CC. The excitement of my first relationship ever blinded me to the fact that I was over sharing at times in our times together. I apologise to each and every one of you for the pain I may have caused. That was never my intention. I was naive and passionate, but that doesn't excuse my thoughtless behaviour and even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Please forgive me, my dear brothers and sisters. Thank you. Goodbye.

But, my naive thought: This thread was needed to "let you know" you did something wrong? That´s part of love, like walking together over the green grass, holding hands...

Things like that also happens on real life, FB and other site but, what I don´t understand: Was a thread needed to help you apologise?

I knew you were in a relation (1)
I saw that picture of both, holding hands on CC (2)
and this very thread "helped" me see "the problem" in another thread (I will not tell where, to cope with such discretion).

Again friend, I´m sorry that relatioship ended (like I said the moment I knew it on line) and my thought (not my question) is how long it will take to really end? Becasue this thread is keeping it on.

 

[secularhermit]

Here´s an announce:

I have an open relationship with CC.



(I´m not sure if it is love, but I´m sure of those I cherished to death)

 

[gypsygirl]

Ugh, yes, I see that I've made mistakes with how I conducted myself on CC. The excitement of my first relationship ever blinded me to the fact that I was over sharing at times in our times together. I apologise to each and every one of you for the pain I may have caused. That was never my intention. I was naive and passionate, but that doesn't excuse my thoughtless behaviour and even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Please forgive me, my dear brothers and sisters. Thank you. Goodbye.

christian and arlene: you owe no one an apology, nor should feel badly about anything. you've done nothing wrong because there is no right or wrong way to conduct yourself in such matters. and as you can see from this thread, we represent many personalities and preferences. while i feel badly that so much hurt has been stirred by this topic, perhaps this conversation needed to happen since it's kind of been the elephant sunbathing in on the patio. ; p

anyway, please remember:

1) you were egged on, pushed for details, and members practically drooled for every detail that you two offered. while you are "kicking yourself" for the things shared, i'd suggest that some of the community's clamoring would be culpable as well.

2) you live and learn. most of us have been there, finding our way. much of the views i have on relationship were cultivated and formed by past experiences and mistakes. there is no way to avoid making them, only to learn from these experiences. don't feel bad for that. : )

pursuing love requires courage -- it's the ultimate high-risk, high-gain proposition. you can be smart, do everything right, and sometimes that's not enough. but it's still worth it. love is worth it.

one of my favorite quotes is:

tradition wears a snowy beard, but romance is always young. -whittier.

i admire anyone who has the conviction and bravery to make that choice for themselves. it's messy, and sometimes you get a little bruised and scratched up--yet way too easy to sit back and speculate about hypothetical scenarios as to what could and should have been done from the safety of the cheap seats.

trust me, as one who has earned her share of skinned knees and mortification... you'll survive. : )

 

[blue_ladybug]

This whole thread is extremely awkward.. How about we stop mentioning what happened with Tintin and Arlene, and let them move beyond their failed relationship? The more people mention them, the more awkward they must feel about being the center of attention.. they are both learning lessons from their ordeal, please let them move on to the next phase of their lives and not let this thread be a constant reminder to them of what happened between them. It's only common courtesy and decency, after all.. the sunbathing elephant Gypsy spoke of has been acknowledged and commented on, now let it fade into the woodwork.. JMO

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm in the middle of a string of working overnight shifts and haven't been able to catch up until now. Oh my goodness.

First of all, it was NEVER my intention to single anyone out, AT ALL. I always write my threads with the intention of people talking about THEMSELVES, their OWN THOUGHTS, and inclinations about their OWN lives, not that of what happened to others here. Somewhere along the line that must have been misunderstood, as I've had several threads in which I use something in my own life as an EXAMPLE to try to encourage other people to give examples of their OWN lives but the threads turn out to be about me (as in, what people think I need to do differently or why my situation is all wrong) or... they turn out to be about something the thread was never meant to be about at all.

I am heartbroken to see Arlene has left, as I love both her and TinTin. I was happy to see her back. The thing for me is that, after seeing what other couples have gone through here, it made me want to discuss what I would do personally in MY OWN LIFE if I were in that situation. I did not mean to imply anyone else's life at all.

Sigh. This thread was NOT to imply that anyone here did anything wrong or had to explain anything about their own lives!

Maybe I'm not wording things right when I write these threads but I feel terribly sad for TinTin and Arlene--it was never my intention to single them out in any way and I never felt either of you did anything wrong to anyone here, nor did either of you have to explain anything. As I said, I was wondering what I'd do IN MY OWN LIFE if I had a CC crush that grew into something, as I can think of 2 crushes I've had here (at very different times) but they never turned into anything. Watching other brave souls here made me wonder, "What would I do if I fell in love with someone on CC?"

This thread is asking what other people would do as well in their own lives as well, not what they thought about what's happened in other's lives here on CC.

TinTin and Arlene, I am terribly, horribly sorry to both of you for this thread gone so wrong. It was not my intention at all. I love you both and am very sorry for what's happened here.

I do hope others realize exactly how challenging writing threads in the forum can be. We get so many complaints about the same topics and dead threads but I want to encourage anyone seeking a livelier forum to take an active part in making that happen. I don't think I come up with anything particularly new or interesting but when an idea strikes, I tend to test it out. Sometimes when I write a serious thread, I get requests for more humorous threads. Then when I write a humorous thread, someone will tell me they miss the serious topics. I've gotten to a point where I'll just ruminate on a certain thought I've been having for a while, sometimes in a prayer all night at work... and then if I have the time and heart, I'll sit down and see what spills out.

I would encourage everyone to contribute to our body of topics here in Singles--together we can all hopefully make it a more positive place.

 

[CatHerder]

This whole thread is extremely awkward.. How about we stop mentioning what happened with Tintin and Arlene, and let them move beyond their failed relationship? The more people mention them, the more awkward they must feel about being the center of attention.. they are both learning lessons from their ordeal, please let them move on to the next phase of their lives and not let this thread be a constant reminder to them of what happened between them. It's only common courtesy and decency, after all.. the sunbathing elephant Gypsy spoke of has been acknowledged and commented on, now let it fade into the woodwork.. JMO

Perhaps this is one of the ways they ARE moving on. No one mentioned them specifically in this thread until they came on and shared. The next few posters were responding to their posts and encouraging them. Maybe they needed to hear that.


Arelene - I saw that you are now a "guest," but I hope you are lurking and reading. You add a lot to the CC community. I have loved your posts of the violin playing schoolteacher, your classroom adventures, and overcoming your fears about praising God with your instrument in your church. Your posts were like a breath of fresh air!

Love you both!!

 

[gypsygirl]

I'm in the middle of a string of working overnight shifts and haven't been able to catch up until now. Oh my goodness.

First of all, it was NEVER my intention to single anyone out, AT ALL. I always write my threads with the intention of people talking about THEMSELVES, their OWN THOUGHTS, and inclinations about their OWN lives, not that of what happened to others here. Somewhere along the line that must have been misunderstood, as I've had several threads in which I use something in my own life as an EXAMPLE to try to encourage other people to give examples of their OWN lives but the threads turn out to be about me (as in, what people think I need to do differently or why my situation is all wrong) or... they turn out to be about something the thread was never meant to be about at all.

I am heartbroken to see Arlene has left, as I love both her and TinTin. I was happy to see her back. The thing for me is that, after seeing what other couples have gone through here, it made me want to discuss what I would do personally in MY OWN LIFE if I were in that situation. I did not mean to imply anyone else's life at all.

Sigh. This thread was NOT to imply that anyone here did anything wrong or had to explain anything about their own lives!

Maybe I'm not wording things right when I write these threads but I feel terribly sad for TinTin and Arlene--it was never my intention to single them out in any way and I never felt either of you did anything wrong to anyone here, nor did either of you have to explain anything. As I said, I was wondering what I'd do IN MY OWN LIFE if I had a CC crush that grew into something, as I can think of 2 crushes I've had here (at very different times) but they never turned into anything. Watching other brave souls here made me wonder, "What would I do if I fell in love with someone on CC?"

This thread is asking what other people would do as well in their own lives as well, not what they thought about what's happened in other's lives here on CC.

TinTin and Arlene, I am terribly, horribly sorry to both of you for this thread gone so wrong. It was not my intention at all. I love you both and am very sorry for what's happened here.

I do hope others realize exactly how challenging writing threads in the forum can be. We get so many complaints about the same topics and dead threads but I want to encourage anyone seeking a livelier forum to take an active part in making that happen. I don't think I come up with anything particularly new or interesting but when an idea strikes, I tend to test it out. Sometimes when I write a serious thread, I get requests for more humorous threads. Then when I write a humorous thread, someone will tell me they miss the serious topics. I've gotten to a point where I'll just ruminate on a certain thought I've been having for a while, sometimes in a prayer all night at work... and then if I have the time and heart, I'll sit down and see what spills out.

I would encourage everyone to contribute to our body of topics here in Singles--together we can all hopefully make it a more positive place.

i don't think you should feel badly either. really, you're not forcing anyone to participate, and we (i) appreciate your time and effort. very much so. : )

it's like any conversation that is started with noble intention -- it can sometimes go a little raucous or off the rails.

that's okay. : )

 

[seoulsearch]

My heart sank when I saw "guest" under Arlene's name and I hope with all my heart she will decide to return, as she is always welcome here.

I felt so sad when I saw the "apologies" written to the community here on CC--neither of you owe us anything and I am so, so sorry. I was not in any way, shape, or form, picking on you or singling you out.

As I said... I was thinking along the lines of... "If I, me, MY OWN SELF, were in that situation, what would I do?" The question was never about what someone else might do, and I'm so sorry that was misinterpreted.

 

[Tintin]

I'm only replying now because my mind won't let me sleep. Seoul, please. My dear sister, you have done nothing wrong here. You made an thought-provoking thread. I just have some things to work through. That's it. Not your fault. You have nothing to apologise for. Please know that.

 

[seoulsearch]

TinTin and Arlene, I love you both very much.

If there is anything I can do to help either of you as your friend, please never hesitate to PM me without a second thought.

Much love to you, and may God bring you peace. Your are both very welcome and very loved here, no matter what paths life (and the Lord) may take you down.

 

[ServantStrike]

The answer to the original question is a resounding NO.

If I dated someone on CC, I wouldn't tell the world about it. Those threads are troll bait. We're happy for you, we really are - now just get on with your lives.

Tell us when you're engaged or something.

For now, my heart aches and I feel there is no place in the CC community for me anymore.

This is a difficult thread for me. Would I even purse another online relationship? Probably not. For now I'm just going to heal and grow closer to God. But if you find the Enemy throwing your past in your face, remind him of his future. In Christ you are victorious.

Come on now you two. You act like you two committed some unspeakable act of treason against CC or something.

Break ups happen. No one thinks any less of you for it. Stop focusing on it and focus on something else.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Ugh, yes, I see that I've made mistakes with how I conducted myself on CC. The excitement of my first relationship ever blinded me to the fact that I was over sharing at times in our times together. I apologise to each and every one of you for the pain I may have caused. That was never my intention. I was naive and passionate, but that doesn't excuse my thoughtless behaviour and even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Please forgive me, my dear brothers and sisters. Thank you. Goodbye.

Neither of you did or said anything wrong on the forum either before of after the relationship ended. You both conducted yourself in the best possible way - from my point of view anyway. No one dissed anyone which is how it should be.