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Stuey

Senior Member
#1
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#1
Originally Posted by Liamson

My usual catch 22...

People- so do you like Grace?

Me- Nope, I don't really know Grace.

People- Well, she's a nice girl, you should get to know her.

Me- so I should... take her out on a date?

People- YEAH!!!

Me- I don't think so, I don't know her that well.



Exploration Dating is very awkward. Cause when I don't ask a girl out again, then they get all mad at me. "You were the one who asked me out and wanted to go out with ME, and now you don't anymore? Geez, you're a weirdo." Thats what I assume they are thinking.


This got me thinking and I'd like to ask - if you are a girl, how would you feel if a guy did ask you out like that and then didn't ask you out again? Aka you didn't know him super well?

If you wouldn't feel happy about it, how do you go about getting to know guys? Hanging out with them etc? Do you tend to make yourself available to chat to etc? Or be more closed off?
 
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Catlynn

Guest
#2
#2
Well, how I felt about not being asked out again would also depend on how I felt about the guy. If I liked him and enjoyed his company, I might be bummed. If he was someone I saw often then I'd probably go to him and ask him how he felt, so as to clearly communicate and be on the same page. If I didn't care for him I guess I'd be relieved.

As for getting to know a guy, I usually try to find commonalities or joke around with them. I do a bit of flirting on occasion (like smiling a lot-not scary flirting) I can be pretty sarcastic...that's how I weed out the weak ones. ;) I had more to say but...I think I'll leave it there for now.
 
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fourleaf

Guest
#3
#3
Well, i should know the guy first before i agree on hanging out with him. It's important that we should know each other first so the time wouldn't be wasted. If we're on getting to know each other stage and seems that we have mutual understanding or commonalities and he asks me out, i would say yes. But, if the guy was just playing around I wouldn't mess up with him, i'll ignore his invitations. (girls, always remember to know first the intention of the guy you would choose on dating, because guys nowadays especially non-believers cannot be trusted.) If he didn't asks me out again, he may got have some reasons and i should probably respect that.
 
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Catlynn

Guest
#4
#4
I feel like, within the Christian world, it's always so flippin' SERIOUS! I am of the opinion to relax! hang out! Enjoy the company of others! It's not about marriage as soon as you say hi and smile to someone. I know that's the end goal for most...but in my experience it just ends up being so intense! So I trust God with the time and just try to be myself and enjoy the experience. No pressure, no offense, just open and honest and fun. Yep.
 
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xXErraticEmilyXx

Guest
#5
#5
I wouldn't go out with someone I don't know well. There's some safety involved and plus, I wouldn't know if I'll like the person.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#6
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#6
I've been on one date in the last year, and it was someone from eHarmony I'd been communicating with for a while. It was my first and only date since divorcing. He was kind, friendly and exactly what he claimed to be. The date went very well, with us staying at the restaurant to talk for 2 hours. Afterward he texted me a few times to chat, but did not ask me out again. I liked him, but realized that we may not have "clicked". I would have gone out with him again, but I respected his choice not to pursue another date. We all have our preferences. I was proud of myself for actually going on a date, which I'd been very nervous about.

I agree that the get-to-know-each-other-as-friends method is best, particularly in a group setting so that you can interact naturally without pressure. However, in a small town with almost no single people that isn't always possible.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#7
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#7
I like doing things with people. Skiing with a group, Board game nights, Volunteering, Being in a Play, Bible Studies or just in general being around people.

But I don't like dancing, especially line dancing.

I like being in a situation where I can get to know people without the cloud of serious expectations hanging overhead. Like Catlynn said, a lot of Christians take hanging out and dating way too seriously.


If I'm interested in someone, its not because I see our whole life mapped out before us and I want to marry them. Its because I think they are interesting. Interesting enough to inspire me to explore the possibility of more. More takes time.

But on the flip side, I want to really be enthusiastic and hopeful with my next relationship. I see a lot of girls who fall for guys who are incredibly boring and aloof. I'm like really? So I should be like him if I wanted to be with someone like you? Newp, not for I.
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#8
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#8
Fascinating - so the impression I am getting is that you actually wouldn't be too ticked off. Interesting.

A further thing - I am assuming you would still be friends with the guy if he is someone you see a lot?

Catlynn said:
I feel like, within the Christian world, it's always so flippin' SERIOUS! I am of the opinion to relax! hang out! Enjoy the company of others! It's not about marriage as soon as you say hi and smile to someone. I know that's the end goal for most...but in my experience it just ends up being so intense! So I trust God with the time and just try to be myself and enjoy the experience. No pressure, no offense, just open and honest and fun. Yep.
Click to expand...
A clarification here, is this as friends, when you are dating, or a bit of both?

Also - I'm assuming that you'd expect the guy to end it as soon as he know he couldn't marry you? (or you him)

Another question - how do you depressurise things practically? Especially in a dating context? Do you find the need to?

Thankyou for your wisdom friends. :)
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#9
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#9
Having a think about things - I think I depressurise things by simply not asking someone out, - I just stay friends and try and find out as much about them as I possibly can... Though I do try my best to communicate where I am at - aka if I'm not interested and we are becoming good friends I try to let them know - and I haven't really got past that stage in too long to be relevant, haha.

This does have problems though... It can be quite difficult to actually get to know people - do you guys find this or not? Sometimes you meet people who you'd like to get to know - but there isn't always a particularly appropriate doorway to hang with them. - And if you did invite them - even as friends - you could (In certain cases would) be giving the impression. "I'm interested" - Obviously depends on context. I think that could be what you are talking about with the expectations Catlynn? How do you depressurise the situation in those situations?

I think I worry too much. :D

Also another query Liamson - how do you find you go at getting to know people in a group? Do you feel you can particularly well? Or do you find you do better one on one? Or do you tend to in the one on one situations in those groups as they happen?
 
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Powemm

Guest
#10
#10
A smart girl and one to keep your eye on is one who will allow "you room" to evaluate the relationship and navigate through it .. one who rushes off, gets mad, because you arent moving quick enough.. Well..... just remember. "God speed"
 
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Catlynn

Guest
#13
#13
Stuey said:
Fascinating - so the impression I am getting is that you actually wouldn't be too ticked off. Interesting.

A further thing - I am assuming you would still be friends with the guy if he is someone you see a lot?



A clarification here, is this as friends, when you are dating, or a bit of both?

Also - I'm assuming that you'd expect the guy to end it as soon as he know he couldn't marry you? (or you him)

Another question - how do you depressurise things practically? Especially in a dating context? Do you find the need to?

Thank you for your wisdom friends. :)
Click to expand...
I guess it's a bit of both. If he's not interested, but thinks that I might be (even if I'm not) then yeah, I'd like for him to tell me so that it's all out on the table and we're both comfortable.

Stuey said:
Having a think about things - I think I depressurise things by simply not asking someone out, - I just stay friends and try and find out as much about them as I possibly can... Though I do try my best to communicate where I am at - aka if I'm not interested and we are becoming good friends I try to let them know - and I haven't really got past that stage in too long to be relevant, haha.

This does have problems though... It can be quite difficult to actually get to know people - do you guys find this or not? Sometimes you meet people who you'd like to get to know - but there isn't always a particularly appropriate doorway to hang with them. - And if you did invite them - even as friends - you could (In certain cases would) be giving the impression. "I'm interested" - Obviously depends on context. I think that could be what you are talking about with the expectations Catlynn? How do you depressurise the situation in those situations?

I think I worry too much. :D

Also another query Liamson - how do you find you go at getting to know people in a group? Do you feel you can particularly well? Or do you find you do better one on one? Or do you tend to in the one on one situations in those groups as they happen?
Click to expand...
Honestly, for most depressurizing in the situation you're talking about, I'd say to just not worry. Don't assume the feelings of another. It'd be great if everyone could be open and honest (like if she's feeling pressure but doesn't say anything about it) but that doesn't always happen. I'd say to not expect anything, good or bad, which SHOULD help with the not worrying bit, and just take it a bit at a time and like I said before, trust God with it. If you spend all of your time together worrying about what she MIGHT think or what she MIGHT be feeling, you'll never have any fun and you'll come across like....hmm...those people who constantly ask, "Are you ok?" "Is something wrong?" "Was it me?" and that's never good. It's also helpful to remember that she'll probably be taking her cues on attitude and behavior from you. If you seem uneasy and worrisome, then she'll feel uneasy. Just.have.fun! and deal with situations when they arise.
Also, honesty is always always a pressure relief for me. If we're both communicating and on the same page...and know where the other person is at, it's much more comfortable. I think a LOT of pressure comes from the not knowing. But not everyone is super comfortable with that sooo...I dunno.
Am I helping at ALL?! haha Keep in mind, I'm all for listening to the Holy Spirit in these situations and praying beforehand as well. I'm not saying to leave God out of the equation but any means, I'm just trying to tell you, practically, what I might do or look for. :) But I'm single soooo......
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#15
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#15
Catlynn said:
I guess it's a bit of both. If he's not interested, but thinks that I might be (even if I'm not) then yeah, I'd like for him to tell me so that it's all out on the table and we're both comfortable.

Honestly, for most depressurizing in the situation you're talking about, I'd say to just not worry. Don't assume the feelings of another. It'd be great if everyone could be open and honest (like if she's feeling pressure but doesn't say anything about it) but that doesn't always happen. I'd say to not expect anything, good or bad, which SHOULD help with the not worrying bit, and just take it a bit at a time and like I said before, trust God with it. If you spend all of your time together worrying about what she MIGHT think or what she MIGHT be feeling, you'll never have any fun and you'll come across like....hmm...those people who constantly ask, "Are you ok?" "Is something wrong?" "Was it me?" and that's never good. It's also helpful to remember that she'll probably be taking her cues on attitude and behavior from you. If you seem uneasy and worrisome, then she'll feel uneasy. Just.have.fun! and deal with situations when they arise.
Also, honesty is always always a pressure relief for me. If we're both communicating and on the same page...and know where the other person is at, it's much more comfortable. I think a LOT of pressure comes from the not knowing. But not everyone is super comfortable with that sooo...I dunno.
Am I helping at ALL?! haha Keep in mind, I'm all for listening to the Holy Spirit in these situations and praying beforehand as well. I'm not saying to leave God out of the equation but any means, I'm just trying to tell you, practically, what I might do or look for. :) But I'm single soooo......
Click to expand...
Thankyou very much Catlynn, I appreciate your thoughts.

Worrying is a problem for me. (Prob mentioned it before but I have an anxiety disorder, that although mostly under control sometimes flares up over these kind of issues)

May I ask, you mentioned dealing with issues "when" they arrive, when do they arrive for you? Could you give me any examples? I find my brain doesn't let me worry about things when they arrive... hmm. Always concerned about the way things will be in the future.

Love what you say about honesty... totes agree. :)
 
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Tintin

Guest
#16
#16
Catlynn said:
I feel like, within the Christian world, it's always so flippin' SERIOUS! I am of the opinion to relax! hang out! Enjoy the company of others! It's not about marriage as soon as you say hi and smile to someone. I know that's the end goal for most...but in my experience it just ends up being so intense! So I trust God with the time and just try to be myself and enjoy the experience. No pressure, no offense, just open and honest and fun. Yep.
Click to expand...
Wow. That's actually quite refreshing to hear. I mean, if someone is a Christian and a person of integrity, their motivations should follow their faith and beliefs, so there would be no harm in applying this method.
 
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iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#17
#17
Stuey said:
Thankyou very much Catlynn, I appreciate your thoughts.

Worrying is a problem for me. (Prob mentioned it before but I have an anxiety disorder, that although mostly under control sometimes flares up over these kind of issues)

May I ask, you mentioned dealing with issues "when" they arrive, when do they arrive for you? Could you give me any examples? I find my brain doesn't let me worry about things when they arrive... hmm. Always concerned about the way things will be in the future.

Love what you say about honesty... totes agree. :)
Click to expand...

...ummm and how come no one notices when HE says "totes"???? lol

But to continue with the topic @ hand..I've done the group date situation with friends & it was fun,as well as the one on one with a person I was just starting to get to know. I am comfortable with either. I don't have to be the center of attention within a group dynamic,but I am outgoing for the most part,and would be the same with someone if it's just us one on one. I like interaction. I like talking about things. I also love to hear what people have to say or think or feel about everything,even if I don't agree or see eye to eye. I guess I just want there to be that honest open communication.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#19
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#19
Well Stuey.... It depends on the person. And I hate to say the "Vibe" but really its the vibe and a process.


It starts with being in a group that has fun. If there is women, eliminating the ones I would never want to hang out even as friends by myself. Like the one that takes herself too seriously, or the quiet one who just follows her friends, sort of hiding behind/amongst them or the one who is too nice and always brings food made with love and little decorations.

There are the in between ones like the girl who always uses guys to fix stuff, lean on, protect her etc and then complains that all guys are jerkfaces and woah is me, no one will ever ask me out. There is the another girl who has a Male Harem of Friendboxed suitors who woo at every turn. No thanks, I might hang out but, probably on my terms, and only as friends. Also, poor hygiene girl probably fits here too.

Then there is the, we can be friends and at no point will either of us like each other or have any feelings. Wait this girl doesn't exist.





But the rest of the women who I can be friends or more, usually has to do with having a mutually shared passion or experience. But the idea is to invite them into your group.







Not sure where this post was headed... anyways. in a group setting,... I would favor one on one time with someone I get along with. So really, probably not because there is a sort of necessary "having other people around" which is good cause it keeps the odd ducks at arms length.
 
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