Is it really real?

[Rachel20]

Thanks for your post.

You are incorrect in assuming that I think people are not functioning well or they are out of line. I was merely noticing a phenomenon and I am now commenting on the occurrence.

To summarize - Not discrediting the devastation/impact/feelings that a person undergoes through such a relationship but as it never ever materialized into something, how does one assist a person going through this?

I think it is unhealthy to add significant weight to a relationship online as that cannot be compared to a marriage, or a long term relationship where people took steps to build a life together in close proximity.

By telling people that it has just as much significance and just as much importance, we increase the weight of the burdens these people carry.
Sure relationships can start off online - but unless the goal is to really live together - be married and even just meet for coffee - it remains up in the air.

My goal in positing this theory had an aim of uplifting and encouraging people. It is not dismissing their feelings as much as it is trying to mitigate the impact.
Feelings don't define reality.

If we did not have the internet and people were still writing letters to one another, I would still present such a theory. This thread was not about blaming internet behaviors.

To OP

The first problem is you look at people and how these situations make them feel then begin applying your opinions. Next you think people not functioning according to your opinion are, in essence, out of line.
Firstly you don't know the motives of the other person. Some are obviously catfish. But breakups happen in real life too. And people will suddenly break things off or disappear on someone that's not online.
That's the funny thing about online. When someone does something and it happens online people say the issue is it's "not real" to have connections online. So they blame the behavior as internet behavior.
But when the exact same thing happens offline, and happened long before the internet, then what?
This is the issue I take with stances such as yours. Anything that happens online is blamed for happening on the internet, even though it was going on long before that.

To dismiss how people feel or to insist your view of things changes nothing. Nor are you always right about it. Much of it is pure presumption and creating blame pointed in one direction for things that existed before the target of your blame.

If anything the real issue with the internet is that it makes emotionally unhealthy people have an easier time of getting into relationships than they would in person.

Crusaders often get more wrapped up in the crusade and forgrt the purpose behind it. This can actually be more damaging.

 

[Galatea]

Thanks Galatea I really appreciate your posts and you are right - I can't judge what's in someone's heart. Thanks for sharing these two contrasting stories.

I definitely cannot put a value to someone's hopes and expectations of a relationship. I also agree that unsolicited advice/help can be of no use and can even offend.

But I also feel there is a huge danger of online relationships being incredibly isolating - when a real relationship ends, there is some form of emotional support and network for people.

There can be friends and family who can visibly see the relationship right before their eyes and provide insights that can really help someone see their blind spots.

Online relationships can be debilitating with its loneliness. Who do you reach out to? Does anyone even know the person you like?
I am not saying that having an online relationship doesn't mean you can't have a support network.

With just two people and no one else, how do we reach out to a hurting person from a place of concern? If they specifically don't want it - I know nothing can help them but if there was ever a sliver of hope, should we not at least try?

It is important to get that information out there - "There is light at the end of the tunnel."

I also think it is important that we consider the costs/consequences of these relationships vis-à-vis what God has in mind for His people.
We are still Christians on here. This place should be a place of comfort and solace, and truth.

Unless someone asks, I don’t think you should proffer advice. You can’t tell someone “stop loving him” “he doesn’t love you” “wake up and smell the coffee, dummy- he dumped you” “grow up” “quit whining” etc. etc.

Rationally, I know he is not in love with me. It does not change my feelings for him. Love is not a faucet, I can not turn it off since he does not love me anymore.

It is not his fault. He told me he prayed to God to ask Him to make him love me. He did try, but he can’t. I’m not up to par. It’s alright, I was a fool to ever think I was.

 

[Galatea]

Thanks for your post.

You are incorrect in assuming that I think people are not functioning well or they are out of line. I was merely noticing a phenomenon and I am now commenting on the occurrence.

To summarize - Not discrediting the devastation/impact/feelings that a person undergoes through such a relationship but as it never ever materialized into something, how does one assist a person going through this?

I think it is unhealthy to add significant weight to a relationship online as that cannot be compared to a marriage, or a long term relationship where people took steps to build a life together in close proximity.

By telling people that it has just as much significance and just as much importance, we increase the weight of the burdens these people carry.
Sure relationships can start off online - but unless the goal is to really live together - be married and even just meet for coffee - it remains up in the air.

My goal in positing this theory had an aim of uplifting and encouraging people. It is not dismissing their feelings as much as it is trying to mitigate the impact.
Feelings don't define reality.

If we did not have the internet and people were still writing letters to one another, I would still present such a theory. This thread was not about blaming internet behaviors.

Oh, but it can have JUST as much importance as a marriage or a relationship in person, perhaps more. There are scads of relationships that are in person and about as deep as a mud puddle. There are marriages that are for convenience only, with no love on either side. There are people married who know each other intimately physically, but have never known each other intimately on a soul level. Your attitude is dismissive. To denigrate an online affair is definitely the very OPPOSITE of encouragement.

 

[Rachel20]

Thank you so much for responding Galatea.

I understand that you love him and you will continue to have a soft corner for him. I hope you forgive me if I was ever forceful with you.

It just pains me to see how much you put yourself down.

He says he can't love you and he tried - but the way you are internalizing it is turning it upon yourself.

The reason he can't love you is - there is something wrong with you, you are not up to par, you are a fool and you will never ever be good enough for him etc.

Knowing how much you love and care for this individual - I really want to assure that it is really not YOU. You tried your best. You are just who God created you to be and if he cannot appreciate that about you, then he was definitely not meant for you.

From your posts and your pictures, its very clear to see that you are a very smart and beautiful woman.

You deserve someone to appreciate and love you and really see you for who you are. I want to assure that when you meet the right person, the real person (whether you meet him online is irrelevant) who God kept for you - you will find that everything else pales in comparison.

Maybe in the future this man might change his mind and decide to be with you.

But you denigrating yourself so painfully is basically self flagellation. I honestly wish I was there in real life to take you out and go wherever you would like to.

I know you enjoy art- I would love to take you out as a friend to an art gallery, museum or even the opera.


If your complaints are about emotional upheavals - trust me, you are not at fault. It was only your inner fears acting out.

I really love you a lot Galatea! I hope you don't mind me being this forthright with you.

Unless someone asks, I don’t think you should proffer advice. You can’t tell someone “stop loving him” “he doesn’t love you” “wake up and smell the coffee, dummy- he dumped you” “grow up” “quit whining” etc. etc.

Rationally, I know he is not in love with me. It does not change my feelings for him. Love is not a faucet, I can not turn it off since he does not love me anymore.

It is not his fault. He told me he prayed to God to ask Him to make him love me. He did try, but he can’t. I’m not up to par. It’s alright, I was a fool to ever think I was.

 

[Rachel20]

I would like people to have healthier relationships - emotionally and physically in totality .

One without the other doesn't make any of it good.

Oh, but it can have JUST as much importance as a marriage or a relationship in person, perhaps more. There are scads of relationships that are in person and about as deep as a mud puddle. There are marriages that are for convenience only, with no love on either side. There are people married who know each other intimately physically, but have never known each other intimately on a soul level. Your attitude is dismissive. To denigrate an online affair is definitely the very OPPOSITE of encouragement.

 

[Galatea]

Thank you so much for responding Galatea.

I understand that you love him and you will continue to have a soft corner for him. I hope you forgive me if I was ever forceful with you.

It just pains me to see how much you put yourself down.

He says he can't love you and he tried - but the way you are internalizing it is turning it upon yourself.

The reason he can't love you is - there is something wrong with you, you are not up to par, you are a fool and you will never ever be good enough for him etc.

Knowing how much you love and care for this individual - I really want to assure that it is really not YOU. You tried your best. You are just who God created you to be and if he cannot appreciate that about you, then he was definitely not meant for you.

From your posts and your pictures, its very clear to see that you are a very smart and beautiful woman.

You deserve someone to appreciate and love you and really see you for who you are. I want to assure that when you meet the right person, the real person (whether you meet him online is irrelevant) who God kept for you - you will find that everything else pales in comparison.

Maybe in the future this man might change his mind and decide to be with you.

But you denigrating yourself so painfully is basically self flagellation. I honestly wish I was there in real life to take you out and go wherever you would like to.

I know you enjoy art- I would love to take you out as a friend to an art gallery, museum or even the opera.


If your complaints are about emotional upheavals - trust me, you are not at fault. It was only your inner fears acting out.

I really love you a lot Galatea! I hope you don't mind me being this forthright with you.

I doubt he will change his mind. I know you are trying to help me. Sometimes, people are too far gone to help. No one understands, but I was designed to love only one. I loved, lost, and that is all she wrote.

 

[Rachel20]

You are still beautiful, smart and charming regardless.


Praying for you. God bless you !

I doubt he will change his mind. I know you are trying to help me. Sometimes, people are too far gone to help. No one understands, but I was designed to love only one. I loved, lost, and that is all she wrote.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Yes, don't be so hard on yourself, Galatea... I know it might not seem possible to you right now, but in a few years you will look back on this and say to yourself, "What was I thinking?"

Believe me.... no man is worth all that pain.

 

[Rachel20]

Gabe I know this is mean but can I tell you, you made me laugh out loud...for realz....

Now that I think about it, when AOL chat rooms were still a thing, and I could still fit into my high school jeans ... there was this pretty, young schoolteacher from the east coast that I chatted with every morning. We grew close as internet friends and I was head over heels for her (she wasn't taken). Of course she didn't feel that way about me, but that's besides the point...

....Anyway, as time went on we just slowly stopped chatting with each other.... then a few years ago I found her on facebook and now we're facebook friends but, we still don't chat.... and she's still not taken... nor interested in me in that way either... :/

 

[Galatea]

Yes, don't be so hard on yourself, Galatea... I know it might not seem possible to you right now, but in a few years you will look back on this and say to yourself, "What was I thinking?"

Believe me.... no man is worth all that pain.

He is most certainly worth it- only I am not worthy of him. There is the tragedy. If he were not worth it, I’d not be in pain.

 

[Ugly]

Thanks for your post.

You are incorrect in assuming that I think people are not functioning well or they are out of line. I was merely noticing a phenomenon and I am now commenting on the occurrence.

To summarize - Not discrediting the devastation/impact/feelings that a person undergoes through such a relationship but as it never ever materialized into something, how does one assist a person going through this?

I think it is unhealthy to add significant weight to a relationship online as that cannot be compared to a marriage, or a long term relationship where people took steps to build a life together in close proximity.

By telling people that it has just as much significance and just as much importance, we increase the weight of the burdens these people carry.
Sure relationships can start off online - but unless the goal is to really live together - be married and even just meet for coffee - it remains up in the air.

My goal in positing this theory had an aim of uplifting and encouraging people. It is not dismissing their feelings as much as it is trying to mitigate the impact.
Feelings don't define reality.

If we did not have the internet and people were still writing letters to one another, I would still present such a theory. This thread was not about blaming internet behaviors.

You may believe this in your head, but every word you speak reflects what I wrote I saw in what you said.
You come across quite critical and judgmental about the subject and people involved and as if you know more.
And you still are giving scenarios that have long happened before the internet, bit focusing on it happening on the internet.
Your posts sound condescending, while sidestepping points made against what you're saying.

Not being mean, just explaining how you're coming across. If it's not how you feel then perhaps rather than continuing to support it step back and either A) evaluate if it really is how you feel, or B) consider that the way you're explaining yourself is ineffective and you may need to revise how you're communicating. Because at this point you're sounding pretty bad. Again, not an attack, just giving you something to consider.

 

[Rachel20]

It is just a discussion. I am definitely going to take a step back and reflect on everyone's points. If you actually did read and comprehend any of my posts - you can see I am conceding that I cannot deny someone's expectations or devalue their relationships.

But since you actually have to mention that it was not an attack, you might consider your own style of posting.

I have noticed a pattern in your posts where you start off your posts with an image of a person in your head and continue irrespective of other posts/general direction of the thread.

Your posts always fixate on the person rather than the issue and honestly that is more arrogant than having an open, pliable, honest discussion.

I am not dismissing your opinions - I'll consider revising my communication style to suit your preference next time.

You may believe this in your head, but every word you speak reflects what I wrote I saw in what you said.
You come across quite critical and judgmental about the subject and people involved and as if you know more.
And you still are giving scenarios that have long happened before the internet, bit focusing on it happening on the internet.
Your posts sound condescending, while sidestepping points made against what you're saying.

Not being mean, just explaining how you're coming across. If it's not how you feel then perhaps rather than continuing to support it step back and either A) evaluate if it really is how you feel, or B) consider that the way you're explaining yourself is ineffective and you may need to revise how you're communicating. Because at this point you're sounding pretty bad. Again, not an attack, just giving you something to consider.

 

[Innerfire89]

I would imagine that the online relationships that do come to fruition aren't intended to be initially. Because they can see more of a persons dimensions than they would when the two are only communicating what they have in common and what kind of relationship goals they have. But when the express purpose isn't finding love they get to see some of a persons attitudes.

I think it's pretty safe to make a rule not to get into such a relationship unless someone makes you break that rule.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Gabe I know this is mean but can I tell you, you made me laugh out loud...for realz....

Its ok... What I've learned in life is that when it comes to pretty women there are 3 types.... And when I say "pretty women" I mean the ones that get constant attention from men and they often won't leave her alone....

The first type is single by choice and pretty much rejects any man that pursues her and never gets married.... and complains that there aren't any good men out there..

The second type falls in love with bad boys and ends up going from one bad relationship to another...

The third type (rarest) is the type that honestly doesn't think she's that pretty, or has somehow learned not to fall for bad boys and ends up marrying a decent guy.

I've fallen for all three ...at least once!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Believe me.... no man is worth all that pain.

I should have clarified.... I meant no man who rejects you is worth all that pain.

 

[Ugly]

It is just a discussion. I am definitely going to take a step back and reflect on everyone's points. If you actually did read and comprehend any of my posts - you can see I am conceding that I cannot deny someone's expectations or devalue their relationships.

But since you actually have to mention that it was not an attack, you might consider your own style of posting.

I have noticed a pattern in your posts where you start off your posts with an image of a person in your head and continue irrespective of other posts/general direction of the thread.

Your posts always fixate on the person rather than the issue and honestly that is more arrogant than having an open, pliable, honest discussion.

I am not dismissing your opinions - I'll consider revising my communication style to suit your preference next time.

After many years and comments on my posts I am Very well aware of how I post. And over the years I have made a lot of effort in adjusting how I post. You may use it to deflect what I say (take the focus off yourself and put it on me) but I am quite proud of the improvement I've made. Others I've known a long time see the differences too. It's a work in progress but I won't be deterred by someone reacting defensively and using wording that "sounds" like they are being open, when it's clear they are not.
Your intent and attitude is clear, as it was years ago. Your way is the right way and anyone that disagrees is beneath you. So I shall stop commenting here since I have no interest in going in circles.

 

[zeroturbulence]

[video=youtube;6HZ_jqXWptM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HZ_jqXWptM[/video]

 

[Rachel20]

Gabe... stop it. Your posts (and songs) are making me laugh.

I found another possible fourth category - the pretty woman who might be a man.

Its ok... What I've learned in life is that when it comes to pretty women there are 3 types.... And when I say "pretty women" I mean the ones that get constant attention from men and they often won't leave her alone....

The first type is single by choice and pretty much rejects any man that pursues her and never gets married.... and complains that there aren't any good men out there..

The second type falls in love with bad boys and ends up going from one bad relationship to another...

The third type (rarest) is the type that honestly doesn't think she's that pretty, or has somehow learned not to fall for bad boys and ends up marrying a decent guy.

I've fallen for all three ...at least once!

 

[Grock89]

Gabe... stop it. Your posts (and songs) are making me laugh.

I found another possible fourth category - the pretty woman who might be a man.

pretty woman who might be a man is hilarious but true...u just never know this days...got to be careful..lol...well I am the fourth the rare one...hahaha...pretty woman by choice and marries a decent guy...but I have been through the stage one of bad boys at one point hahahaha

 

[zeroturbulence]

Gabe... stop it. Your posts (and songs) are making me laugh.

I found another possible fourth category - the pretty woman who might be a man.

At least I haven't fallen for that type! ....... yet.