Married People's Opinions on Singleness: No Thank You.

[Crimson_Lark]

Recently I came across an article on being single by Stephen Witmer posted on Piper's site.(Piper is a well known pastor in the mid-west usa.) The article is titled, "Will I be Single Forever?" It focuses on telling single christians how to handle their singleness by focusing on eternity.

But Witmer is married. In fact he has three kids. His only knowledge of singleness was being single in his 20's- you know when most people are single. (Huffington Post posted stats that the average age for marriage in the usa: 27 for women and 29 for men.)

So why is a married man being sold as an authority on singleness? I have no idea.

I do know this: he's not an authority. Furthermore it's insulting. He has no clue what it's like to be single long term.
This is exactly the kind of attitude I see in the church. Married people think they know what it's like to be single because they were single for 5 or 6 years. It's not the same people. It's not.

If you want to pick someone who can truly minister to single people- pick a single person who's actually been single for a while- a long while. Give me someone who's seasoned. Don't give me some married guy with three kids. Pick someone who truly understands how hard it is.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Its the same as we singles are not credible to advice about marriage problems. Why should we focus on the speaker instead of the message? God uses all sort of people to send His message. Wisdom is not gained through personal experience alone but also by learning from the experiences of others. Life is too short to learn everything the hard way.

 

[GrumpyCrumpet]

I've been single my entire life. Still, even that wouldn't qualify me to talk to single people. The majority of single people I know don't want to remain single forever like I do, so I'd be talking in language they couldn't relate to.

I agree though that most married people aren't in a position to talk to single people about being single. Kind of like child-free people giving parental advice.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

Its the same as we singles are not credible to advice about marriage problems. Why should we focus on the speaker instead of the message? God uses all sort of people to send His message. Wisdom is not gained through personal experience alone but also by learning from the experiences of others. Life is too short to learn everything the hard way.

The reason a message has weight is because of the speaker. If the speaker knows the pain, understands the temptations fully then the speaker can accurately and gently deal with the problems of the other. Wisdom includes experience.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

The reason a message has weight is because of the speaker. If the speaker knows the pain, understands the temptations fully then the speaker can accurately and gently deal with the problems of the other. Wisdom includes experience.

Not necessarily because not everyone learn from their experiences. The truth is we really know nothing. The only true wisdom is when it comes from God and He can choose whoever He wants to use, and those are the people who are humble enough to seek His wisdom.

 

[AbigailZeke]

Recently I came across an article on being single by Stephen Witmer posted on Piper's site.(Piper is a well known pastor in the mid-west usa.) The article is titled, "Will I be Single Forever?" It focuses on telling single christians how to handle their singleness by focusing on eternity.

But Witmer is married. In fact he has three kids. His only knowledge of singleness was being single in his 20's- you know when most people are single. (Huffington Post posted stats that the average age for marriage in the usa: 27 for women and 29 for men.)

So why is a married man being sold as an authority on singleness? I have no idea.

I do know this: he's not an authority. Furthermore it's insulting. He has no clue what it's like to be single long term.
This is exactly the kind of attitude I see in the church. Married people think they know what it's like to be single because they were single for 5 or 6 years. It's not the same people. It's not.

If you want to pick someone who can truly minister to single people- pick a single person who's actually been single for a while- a long while. Give me someone who's seasoned. Don't give me some married guy with three kids. Pick someone who truly understands how hard it is.

Well, there's always Paul... and 1 Corinthians 7.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Well, there's always Paul... and 1 Corinthians 7.

Paul was single how come he was so wise about marriage? Because it was godly wisdom. And Jesus was single too. Enough said...

 

[seoulsearch]

Paul was single how come he was so wise about marriage? Because it was godly wisdom. And Jesus was single too. Enough said...

In Philippians 3:5, Paul states that he was a Pharisee, and, I could be mistaken, but I was taught at my Christian school that one of the requirements for being a Pharisee is that you had to have been married.

There is no definitive proof, but some speculate that at one time, Paul was married, and that his wife either passed away or possibly left him when he became a Christian. The verses he writes about marriage are certainly Godly wisdom, but they may also be tinged with Paul's heartache over a loss of marriage that he himself experienced.

I certainly agree that a person can be given Godly wisdom about an issue without ever experiencing a situation, but I think what Crimson is talking about is the fact that :

1. It would be nice to find Christians who want to tell singles how to live who are actually single and have been for a long time. It's kind of like Donald Trump claiming that he can relate to the life of the average American. How much can you relate to someone who literally lives in another world, but wants to tell you how to live in your own?

2. Singles are often talked down to, as if they're "tweens" who still need to be talked to like adolescent children, have no responsibilities, and know nothing about life. I've experienced this a lot myself as well.

3. There are married people who take it upon themselves to "preach the good news (of a How to Get Married)" to singles because they too just assume that's what every single wants. Some singles just need support along the way, not a plan of attack as to how we can capture and cage a spouse. What irritates me most is when someone talks to me without ever asking about my own experiences, hopes, or plans for my own future, which may or may not include marriage (according to God's will.)

We're fortunate here in the Singles forum to have many marrieds who are supportive WITHOUT being condescending, which I think is what really makes a difference. It's one thing to offer support--it's another thing to assume one is in a superior position and must talk down to the other person as if they are a groupie wanting to be just like them.

I know two older women who have been Christians all their lives and married very young, and it's interesting to see how marrieds react to singleness themselves when the time comes. Both women recently lost their husbands. One seems to be slowly adjusting to single life rather well; the other is coping by getting married again almost immediately.

When I was younger I was often in shock at how much married Christians talked down to me. In one of my church classes, one of the (married women), who was only about 6 years older than me, said to me in front of everyone, "Well, Kim, as a single young woman... You're under the protection of living in your father's house..." I piped up and told her, "Well thank you very much for that word, but I'm 30 years old (at the time) and haven't lived under my father's roof since I was 20 years old."

I know she meant well, but I didn't appreciate being blatantly talked down to when I'd lived as an independent adult for many years. Furthermore, when this happens now, I like to point out to married people who don't know what it's like to be single for most of their adult life that God very seldom calls a married couple home at the exact same time.

Therefore, what they don't realize is that they too have a 50% chance of being single sometime in the future as well, and if they're going to talk down to me, I'd prefer that they come and talk to me about how to live as a single person when they find themselves single as well.

(I'm certainly not this harsh with everyone who tries to speak to me as a single; I greatly appreciate marrieds who care, truly listen, and offer encouragement. The only time I get this blunt is when someone isn't listening to me and speaks to me in the form of a lecture, rather than an interactive conversation.)

 

[Sirk]

As a previously married person. Single is better.

 

[spunkycat08]

I was single until 2013 when I got married for the first time.

I was in my forties when I got married.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Just because someone is not married, does not mean he or she can't give good advice to singles. But yeah, generally, I would think more meaningful advice would some from someone who is in or been in a similar situation.
I am with Sirk, single is better.
But yes, there are things I miss about being married.

 

[Dino246]

I agree with the gist of the OP, and also with the responses saying that wisdom ultimately is from the Lord. I think it is worthwhile for any person attempting to speak into a world about which he or she is not a part to do so with a little preamble, along the lines of, "I've been praying and studying (your world/view) and I think I'm sensing something which may be of value to you. Would you allow me to share what I'm seeing?"

It is the job of preachers (and writers) to speak into worlds to which they don't belong. I'll never be Jewish, but as a Christian I have a message for the Jews which could benefit them. However, simply waltzing into a synagogue and opening my bible and my mouth will get me exactly nowhere, except back on the street, and likely on my behind. There's a time to speak boldly, and a time to seek "permission" to speak. Preachers and writers would both do well to frame the wisdom they share in a way which makes acceptance more likely.

 

[AuntieAnt]

I was married young, I have three adult kids now and my husband passed in 2005. So I've been single for 11 years. That's a fairly long time. I can see the pros and cons of both married & single life at this stage of the game.

 

[Shouryu]

In Philippians 3:5, Paul states that he was a Pharisee, and, I could be mistaken, but I was taught at my Christian school that one of the requirements for being a Pharisee is that you had to have been married.

Dang, Kim beat me to it. ^_^

Not only a Pharisee, but a Pharisee's Pharisee, taught at the foot Gamaliel, and was considered by many to be groomed to be Gamaliel's successor prior to his conversion. If anyone was going to live by the letter of Pharisaic law, it was going to be Paul.

 

[MollyConnor]

I don't think we should shut down others for their well meaning advice. But I also agree with you that advice from those that have gone through similar obstacles weighs much more!

I've battled depression and cutting in the past. And if I'm going to talk about them or receive advice, I would rather talk to someone that has gone through these things too.

You can view it this way too. It's like a resume and experience. Would you rather hire someone with 15 years experience in their field or someone who only has 5?

 

[Born_Again]

Recently I came across an article on being single by Stephen Witmer posted on Piper's site.(Piper is a well known pastor in the mid-west usa.) The article is titled, "Will I be Single Forever?" It focuses on telling single christians how to handle their singleness by focusing on eternity.

But Witmer is married. In fact he has three kids. His only knowledge of singleness was being single in his 20's- you know when most people are single. (Huffington Post posted stats that the average age for marriage in the usa: 27 for women and 29 for men.)

So why is a married man being sold as an authority on singleness? I have no idea.

I do know this: he's not an authority. Furthermore it's insulting. He has no clue what it's like to be single long term.
This is exactly the kind of attitude I see in the church. Married people think they know what it's like to be single because they were single for 5 or 6 years. It's not the same people. It's not.

If you want to pick someone who can truly minister to single people- pick a single person who's actually been single for a while- a long while. Give me someone who's seasoned. Don't give me some married guy with three kids. Pick someone who truly understands how hard it is.

Crimson... Noted.

 

[Tintin]

Recently I came across an article on being single by Stephen Witmer posted on Piper's site.(Piper is a well known pastor in the mid-west usa.) The article is titled, "Will I be Single Forever?" It focuses on telling single christians how to handle their singleness by focusing on eternity.

But Witmer is married. In fact he has three kids. His only knowledge of singleness was being single in his 20's- you know when most people are single. (Huffington Post posted stats that the average age for marriage in the usa: 27 for women and 29 for men.)

So why is a married man being sold as an authority on singleness? I have no idea.

I do know this: he's not an authority. Furthermore it's insulting. He has no clue what it's like to be single long term.
This is exactly the kind of attitude I see in the church. Married people think they know what it's like to be single because they were single for 5 or 6 years. It's not the same people. It's not.

If you want to pick someone who can truly minister to single people- pick a single person who's actually been single for a while- a long while. Give me someone who's seasoned. Don't give me some married guy with three kids. Pick someone who truly understands how hard it is.

Sadly, I reckon the majority of those who are single in their 20s (and have been in a relationship at some point) would have engaged in married people's activities though, so their view of singleness would be different again. This is even the case in Christendom.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

In Philippians 3:5, Paul states that he was a Pharisee, and, I could be mistaken, but I was taught at my Christian school that one of the requirements for being a Pharisee is that you had to have been married.

There is no definitive proof, but some speculate that at one time, Paul was married, and that his wife either passed away or possibly left him when he became a Christian. The verses he writes about marriage are certainly Godly wisdom, but they may also be tinged with Paul's heartache over a loss of marriage that he himself experienced.

I certainly agree that a person can be given Godly wisdom about an issue without ever experiencing a situation, but I think what Crimson is talking about is the fact that :

1. It would be nice to find Christians who want to tell singles how to live who are actually single and have been for a long time. It's kind of like Donald Trump claiming that he can relate to the life of the average American. How much can you relate to someone who literally lives in another world, but wants to tell you how to live in your own?

2. Singles are often talked down to, as if they're "tweens" who still need to be talked to like adolescent children, have no responsibilities, and know nothing about life. I've experienced this a lot myself as well.

3. There are married people who take it upon themselves to "preach the good news (of a How to Get Married)" to singles because they too just assume that's what every single wants. Some singles just need support along the way, not a plan of attack as to how we can capture and cage a spouse. What irritates me most is when someone talks to me without ever asking about my own experiences, hopes, or plans for my own future, which may or may not include marriage (according to God's will.)

We're fortunate here in the Singles forum to have many marrieds who are supportive WITHOUT being condescending, which I think is what really makes a difference. It's one thing to offer support--it's another thing to assume one is in a superior position and must talk down to the other person as if they are a groupie wanting to be just like them.

I know two older women who have been Christians all their lives and married very young, and it's interesting to see how marrieds react to singleness themselves when the time comes. Both women recently lost their husbands. One seems to be slowly adjusting to single life rather well; the other is coping by getting married again almost immediately.

When I was younger I was often in shock at how much married Christians talked down to me. In one of my church classes, one of the (married women), who was only about 6 years older than me, said to me in front of everyone, "Well, Kim, as a single young woman... You're under the protection of living in your father's house..." I piped up and told her, "Well thank you very much for that word, but I'm 30 years old (at the time) and haven't lived under my father's roof since I was 20 years old."

I know she meant well, but I didn't appreciate being blatantly talked down to when I'd lived as an independent adult for many years. Furthermore, when this happens now, I like to point out to married people who don't know what it's like to be single for most of their adult life that God very seldom calls a married couple home at the exact same time.

Therefore, what they don't realize is that they too have a 50% chance of being single sometime in the future as well, and if they're going to talk down to me, I'd prefer that they come and talk to me about how to live as a single person when they find themselves single as well.

(I'm certainly not this harsh with everyone who tries to speak to me as a single; I greatly appreciate marrieds who care, truly listen, and offer encouragement. The only time I get this blunt is when someone isn't listening to me and speaks to me in the form of a lecture, rather than an interactive conversation.)

I won't mind much about the status of my counsellor as long as what he says make sense and would help me. Experience may provide wisdom but compassion comes from the heart and it is more important than being wise. What you said about married people looking down on singles also bothers me. They assume that married life is the ultimate life. A very insensitive friend of mine said to my face that when she was single she felt useless. Maybe she was indirectly telling me that I'm useless or maybe she was just expressing herself whatever I did'nt care really. There are others who are more blunt that I was tempted to say its none of your business, this is my life you live your own life. I was once irritated once and said to someone what's wrong with singles, they are human beings too. While there are few who say you are lucky you are single, there are more who feel superior that they are married.

 

[A_Friend_In_Christ]

Why is single better? Doesn't God want people to have happy and successful marriages? If I had a special someone I would want us to have a happy relationship.

I have a female friend and I am more happy having her as a friend than I would be without her. I am single, meaning not married, but having her as a friend I am not totally single. I do have her friendship and companionship and it is good.

 

[GentleHeart]

As a biblical counselor I can see both points about this discussion. Some people feel more open to share with like minded counselors for advice. But I have to agree with TinkerBell725 who makes a very strong point that it's not who the counselor is, but the counsel. Godly counsel comes from the scriptures. Those who understand the scriptures can give godly advice regardless of whether we are walking in the same shoes so to speak. I counsel those who are single, those who are married and those who are divorced. I also counsel men and while I am not a man - I don't stop counseling men just because I am not one.

We all have life experiences that can be shared and we all have things we will never experience, but if we have love and empathy and a desire to help someone in need we can all be helpful in one way or another to some totally opposite of who you are.

If a person fills more comfortable finding some who has the same experiences because for them it lends to their credibility, by all means go to them. If you don't want to read about about singleness from a married man than fine, but never under estimate or disregard the godly wisdom a brother or sister in Christ can impart to reveal truth and helps someone in need.

While I do understand it does help to find someone who can relate on a personal level I don't discount that God may use someone who can't relate, but has a deep understanding for God's Word because ultimately it's what God says about the issue that is really what is important.