Negative People

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S

spirit

Guest
#21
#21
My mother is a very negative person and so is my sister in law. First , personality I believe plays a role as both are melacholy types. Also both are extreme worriers and everything seems grey and also there seems to be some depression and anxiety involved. They are very hard to change unless they want to change and know it themselves.They are just terrible to be around as they sap your energy away.
 
V

violakat

Guest
#22
#22
iraasuup said:
Interesting replies, guys, thanks.

A little more info for you. She is a Christian and is very involved in ministry and teaches childrens church, does missions work, volunteers for ministry organisations, I know she loves the Lord.

The problem I think stems from her past. She was sexually abused when she was younger, and then got very ill. She was very lucky survive when illness struck, and now she has slight, permanent brain injury which affects some of her congnitive abilities. She is no longer able to work, and has to depend on a disability payment to live, and has many other physical issues as a result.
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If she had a brain injury, this could be causing her negativity, and therefore, it's possible, that without medical help, she will always have a negative attitude. If she's never seen a medical doctor (not a psychologist or psychiatrist) in regards to her brain injury, you might suggest that she go and see one.
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And the more and more I think about this, the more I believe it is more of a medical condition.
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On a funny side note:
(hmm, lets see how many mores I can include in this posts)
 
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CC_Bride

Guest
#23
#23
iraasuup said:
Interesting replies, guys, thanks.

A little more info for you. She is a Christian and is very involved in ministry and teaches childrens church, does missions work, volunteers for ministry organisations, I know she loves the Lord.

The problem I think stems from her past. She was sexually abused when she was younger, and then got very ill. She was very lucky survive when illness struck, and now she has slight, permanent brain injury which affects some of her congnitive abilities. She is no longer able to work, and has to depend on a disability payment to live, and has many other physical issues as a result.

This happened to her in her twenties, so obviously she feels like she got a crummy deal, and she did! She suffers a little from depression too as a result of all of this. When I first noticed her negativity, it was usually more about her life, and how it sucked, and how she couldnt do the things she wanted to do etc. (and I can understand her frustration), but it has slowly morphed into just a general negativity about life and everything in it. We could talk about ANYTHING, and she'll have something negative to say about it. It's depressing!

My struggle is that I don't want to abandon her, as I know she struggles with loneliness. She has just turned 40 and has physical conditions one her age should never have, and is single and is generally unwell. I want to be there for her as a friend, but I'm finding it hard to support her. She never seems to want to look at the positives in life, but rather seems intent on focusing on the crummy things.

It makes me want to scream. I mean, I'm going through a pretty crummy time myself right now, and I could use some support too, and she is not at all edifying or uplifting to be around.

I don't want to talk to her and tell her my feelings, as I know she already has low self esteem, and thinks the world hates her, so I don't think she'd take it well... but I don't know what else to do? I can't ignore her. Do I limit my time with her? What if she starts asking why? What if I GENUINELY have no reason why I can't spend time with her when she asks, I can't make excuses...It's a dilemma!
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I have spent 6 years working with brain injured people in various forms of recovery - short term and long term.

Being cognitively disabled has obviously not impaired her speech, but it may have impaired the way she views herself in the world. Ive known many people who were born physically normal and learnt over time through childhood how their actions and words effected others. But when they got brain injured it affected that part of the brain called 'executive functioning' and for the rest of their lives their behaviour and words become very one sided. A bit like how people who have Asbergers do not have the ability to think outside themselves.

Despite this disability, if the person is not reminded (very gently!) of this then they go on through life thinking it is completely normal socially to be self centred. And a big part of the work I have done in OT is not just look after clients but also their social circle who regularly fell victim to mental and physical breakdowns from picking up the pieces and dealing with that persons behaviour. The worst Ive seen is main carers and family members and close friends being admitted into acute mental health services because it became a huge burden for them to handle, they didn't share the load to deal with it and they eventually lost steam themselves.

Don't let that happen to you or else you will resent her and and you will blame her if you become exhausted (which sounds like you're already on that highway to misery). You are not her nurse, nor her carer nor her psychiatrist and you are definitely NOT to be her 'Jesus' (which you may inadvertently become) regardless of whether or not she is a Christian. Find out if she has any professional supports in place like pharmaceutical supports, counselling, psych, OT etc. If not, bring it up confidentially with someone you trust in the church leadership who knows her just as well as you and discreetly discuss your issues with your friend. If you've noticed that her depression has gone to general statements to more frequent personal statements then I would also wonder if she is suicidal. She definitely sounds like shes got clinical depression not the mild occaisional blues.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#24
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#24
CC_Bride said:
I have spent 6 years working with brain injured people in various forms of recovery - short term and long term.

Being cognitively disabled has obviously not impaired her speech, but it may have impaired the way she views herself in the world. Ive known many people who were born physically normal and learnt over time through childhood how their actions and words effected others. But when they got brain injured it affected that part of the brain called 'executive functioning' and for the rest of their lives their behaviour and words become very one sided. A bit like how people who have Asbergers do not have the ability to think outside themselves.

Despite this disability, if the person is not reminded (very gently!) of this then they go on through life thinking it is completely normal socially to be self centred. And a big part of the work I have done in OT is not just look after clients but also their social circle who regularly fell victim to mental and physical breakdowns from picking up the pieces and dealing with that persons behaviour. The worst Ive seen is main carers and family members and close friends being admitted into acute mental health services because it became a huge burden for them to handle, they didn't share the load to deal with it and they eventually lost steam themselves.

Don't let that happen to you or else you will resent her and and you will blame her if you become exhausted (which sounds like you're already on that highway to misery). You are not her nurse, nor her carer nor her psychiatrist and you are definitely NOT to be her 'Jesus' (which you may inadvertently become) regardless of whether or not she is a Christian. Find out if she has any professional supports in place like pharmaceutical supports, counselling, psych, OT etc. If not, bring it up confidentially with someone you trust in the church leadership who knows her just as well as you and discreetly discuss your issues with your friend. If you've noticed that her depression has gone to general statements to more frequent personal statements then I would also wonder if she is suicidal. She definitely sounds like shes got clinical depression not the mild occaisional blues.
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I never thought of it that way....I just assumed some people were very selfish and self-centered. I'm going to be more patient with people like this. Thanks for pointing this out. I'm thinking of one girl in our church in particular. :)

It is exhausting if you're her only friend. Maybe you can enlist the help of other people ? It wouldn't be so tiring when a small group is ministering to her instead of just one person :)
 
K

keep_on_smiling

Guest
#25
#25
Show her love, be there when she needs it and try to make things into a positive light. I know people that are struggling sometimes don't like to hear this, but because she is a believer remind her that everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for each and everyone of us. A lot of the time people may not realize how negative they actually are, but if you are being positive and showing her love hopefully it will rub off on her.

Pray for her and for your visits with her. Pray for direction concerning how to deal with her.

Now if she keeps being negative even when you are trying to deflect that with God's love and it's bringing you down, you need to give yourself some space from her. A negative attitude can be wearing, exhausting, and dangerous if around it too long. Yes, be there for her, but when it starts effecting your attitude or depressing you, it's time to focus on you and God. You can always visit her when you are feeling stronger in being able to deal with her in a loving manner.

I also don't think it's wrong to somehow bring up being more positive, especially if you are close friends. You can just let her know it will make her stronger and encourage others as well.
 
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