REALLY getting to know someone...and the long distance thing too.

[iraasuup]

So my question is how do you really 'get to know' somebody? I mean I've had experiences in the past where I thought I've known this guy only to find out he's the total opposite of who he claimed to be...but anyway that's another story.

I guess this question arose from a conversation I had with my mother this morning. To give you background I started a relationship almost 6 months ago now with a guy who lives in California (I'm in Australia). Things are great. I was talking with my Mum this morning about a friend who recently met a guy online and bla bla. My Mum commented on how hard that must be to which I replied 'Yes, but look at us, we're making it work'.. to which my Mother replied 'Well, yes but you don't REALLY know him now do you?".

I thought to myself hmm what an interesting comment to make? By what factors do we determine knowing somebody. My mother has this thing in her head that you have to spend time with a person to really know them (sure, that's true, I don't disagree) but isn't communication the most important element? You get to know a person by talking to them right? Having those deep conversations and being totally honest with one another. Not just talking about shallow topics, but really digging below the surface and having in depth conversations about life, values, experiences, faith etc. Those conversations help you shape an opinion about a person and really get to know their belief systems etc.

I guess I'm wondering people's opinions on what you think are key elements in really getting to know a person when you're separated by distance? Other than daily Skype video calls (which include, times of prayer and bible reading along with just regular conversation) and viber messages a zillion times a day how else can a couple so far apart deepen their relationship when going out together each weekend or once a month even simply isn't an option?

 

[Donkeyfish07]

In my experience, you might not ever really know somebody. The best way to do it in the context of a romantic relationship is to get to know each other as intimately as possible and spend a lot of time together (Preferably at least a couple of years)....No one can hide who they really are when your that close for a long time. Providing you don't rationalize away certain behaviors and get blinded by infatuation. Even if you do get to know them, people change....lol. No guarantees in this world, the only guarantee we have is in the world to come

 

[abbiejean]

So my question is how do you really 'get to know' somebody? I mean I've had experiences in the past where I thought I've known this guy only to find out he's the total opposite of who he claimed to be...but anyway that's another story.

I guess this question arose from a conversation I had with my mother this morning. To give you background I started a relationship almost 6 months ago now with a guy who lives in California (I'm in Australia). Things are great. I was talking with my Mum this morning about a friend who recently met a guy online and bla bla. My Mum commented on how hard that must be to which I replied 'Yes, but look at us, we're making it work'.. to which my Mother replied 'Well, yes but you don't REALLY know him now do you?".

I thought to myself hmm what an interesting comment to make? By what factors do we determine knowing somebody. My mother has this thing in her head that you have to spend time with a person to really know them (sure, that's true, I don't disagree) but isn't communication the most important element? You get to know a person by talking to them right? Having those deep conversations and being totally honest with one another. Not just talking about shallow topics, but really digging below the surface and having in depth conversations about life, values, experiences, faith etc. Those conversations help you shape an opinion about a person and really get to know their belief systems etc.

I guess I'm wondering people's opinions on what you think are key elements in really getting to know a person when you're separated by distance? Other than daily Skype video calls (which include, times of prayer and bible reading along with just regular conversation) and viber messages a zillion times a day how else can a couple so far apart deepen their relationship when going out together each weekend or once a month even simply isn't an option?

I read your post and I sit here at my keyboard really not sure what or how much to share. I've walked that road and having walked that road, I won't do a long distance email type of relationship again. The guy and I have to be in the same locale.

When it works, is meant to work, it will work.

On the other hand, when the other person isn't what they claim to be for whatever reason, the end result is tragic or very heartbreaking.

Long distance relationships do not give the couple an opportunity for real life interaction that is so necessary for building a good and very solid relationship. Real life interaction such as going to church together, spending time with family and friends, seeing each other during their ups and downs and ins and outs, highs and lows. Really getting to know the meat and bones of a person and their personality and their commitment to the Lord.

It is so easy to present a front in an email, an IM or through facebook or while talking on skype or whatever but it cannot be compared to actually standing or sitting next to the person and being able to communicate verbally and nonverbally. To see how others react and interact with them.

Like I said earlier, when it works, is meant to work, it will work and Lord knows there are plenty of couples that can testify to it working, with evidence as in wee little ones a.k.a. babies or offspring. I'm not one of those.

Only other thing I would add is check motive of all parties involved and make sure of your feelings. Your true feelings. Be honest with yourself and most importantly, TO yourself.

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

I'm in a LDR too.

Skyping and videos are a great way to capture a persons essence... and truly know who youre talking to since there are a lot of scammers out there.

I'm also from California! I recently moved to Idaho and my beloved is in Alabama, so at least we both live in the US but sometimes it feels worlds away.

Its hard, so as you said, communication is key! Also trust as you know is especially important in LDRs. And don't let anyone tell you its any less of a relationship. People try to tell us that all the time or want us to date someone nearby. Don't listen to them.

Love has no distance.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Abbiejean said everything I was thinking about long distance relationships. There's just no way to know how someone interacts with other people in public, what their habits are, how they express love or anger or exasperation when you aren't with them on a frequent basis in person. Even with skyping, you can turn it on and off, and present what you want the other person to see.

Meeting in person on a regular basis would be a MUST, at least for me, and even that doesn't give you an indication of what day-to-day life would be like with them if you were to marry. Things could work out fantastically, or go horribly wrong, and there's just no way to know. Of course, that is true in local relationships as well.

 

[Liamson]

I learned about myself that I can't do it.


Simply because in person, the veil is gone.


If you are meeting in person for the first time, you are in fact meeting for the first time.


How does it work out for the best? TIME.


Be together for years before you say I do. Bond, build Trust, and don't rush or jump ahead.

 

[GreenNnice]

So my question is how do you really 'get to know' somebody? I mean I've had experiences in the past where I thought I've known this guy only to find out he's the total opposite of who he claimed to be...but anyway that's another story.

I guess this question arose from a conversation I had with my mother this morning. To give you background I started a relationship almost 6 months ago now with a guy who lives in California (I'm in Australia). Things are great. I was talking with my Mum this morning about a friend who recently met a guy online and bla bla. My Mum commented on how hard that must be to which I replied 'Yes, but look at us, we're making it work'.. to which my Mother replied 'Well, yes but you don't REALLY know him now do you?".

I thought to myself hmm what an interesting comment to make? By what factors do we determine knowing somebody. My mother has this thing in her head that you have to spend time with a person to really know them (sure, that's true, I don't disagree) but isn't communication the most important element? You get to know a person by talking to them right? Having those deep conversations and being totally honest with one another. Not just talking about shallow topics, but really digging below the surface and having in depth conversations about life, values, experiences, faith etc. Those conversations help you shape an opinion about a person and really get to know their belief systems etc.

I guess I'm wondering people's opinions on what you think are key elements in really getting to know a person when you're separated by distance? Other than daily Skype video calls (which include, times of prayer and bible reading along with just regular conversation) and viber messages a zillion times a day how else can a couple so far apart deepen their relationship when going out together each weekend or once a month even simply isn't an option?

Hey, ira, wassup, katydid !

I think, time is the key element in getting to know someone, it will get deeper as both keep communicating and giving 'time' a chance to unfold by The Father. Is it God's timing for both's life? Then, distance, at that point in time (pun intended ) doesn't matter . Until that time, spend time with them, quality time, prepare well for that time to be well spent on skype or wherever, and, let that person know of your desire to know them better and better, and be open to what God has for you to deepen the relationship as faith will undoubtably become a part of the equation, a deeper faith in Christ for how to get to know more that person that God's presented in your life .
The Lord leads

 

[jangel]

The simplest thing I can think of, is by letting that person tell you his/her life story. Growing up...the moment that person accepted Christ...bad decisions in life that made him/her backslide, how that person get back on track, relationship with families... anything really. You will learn a lot and understand that person more than anything, knowing what molds him/her to be that person now. Also, getting to know the family and some of the closest friends. I think social media would be a great help to know that. Most importantly, his/her relationship with God and if that person loves God more than you, cuz you will never go wrong choosing that kind of person.

I believe if you wanted to have a committed relationship with someone then you have to be an open book to that person, and only by then the trust will develop.

 

[Shouryu]

I believe you CAN get to know someone very well over long distance. Some of the friends I've often felt closest to have been many miles away. This has definitely been the case for me as of late.

As to whether or something like that can successfully move beyond platonic friendship is dependent on the individuals. Not everyone can be successful at something like that.

 

[Liamson]

I'm in a LDR too.

Skyping and videos are a great way to capture a persons essence... and truly know who youre talking to since there are a lot of scammers out there.

I'm also from California! I recently moved to Idaho and my beloved is in Alabama, so at least we both live in the US but sometimes it feels worlds away.

Its hard, so as you said, communication is key! Also trust as you know is especially important in LDRs. And don't let anyone tell you its any less of a relationship. People try to tell us that all the time or want us to date someone nearby. Don't listen to them.

Love has no distance.

Welcome to Idaho. Where for the last month we have had a high of 30 and a low of 22. But its gone now.

 

[IloveyouGod]

Hello Aussie friend!! I have a lot of Aussie friends by the way!!

OK, I won't deny it distance between Australia and the States is a bit far!! BUT I have several examples of close friends here in Toronto who met their spouses in England, Italy and the States. Mind you, I'd say the distance is still closer between here and these countries more than the States and Australia!!

But I love how you said you are both praying about it first. Which means you are letting God decide for you. I'm sure you do believe that if this relationship is God's plan for you, then He'll work WONDERS!! Time, distance, differences, you name it, WILL NOT be an issue in God's hands!

And I agree with you, communication via skype or video calling for hours talking about deep and fun things in life, is important and helpful. But still, meeting in person every once in a while is important as well. It'll be a slightly different experience, that is still needed.
Actually you reminded me of a relative who lives here and met her husband in Australia. And now they live here together after marriage. I forgot about her because she's not a close relative, but yeah, she's a great success story!!

Good luck!! May God do what's best for you two. Like the rhyming scheme??

So my question is how do you really 'get to know' somebody? I mean I've had experiences in the past where I thought I've known this guy only to find out he's the total opposite of who he claimed to be...but anyway that's another story.

I guess this question arose from a conversation I had with my mother this morning. To give you background I started a relationship almost 6 months ago now with a guy who lives in California (I'm in Australia). Things are great. I was talking with my Mum this morning about a friend who recently met a guy online and bla bla. My Mum commented on how hard that must be to which I replied 'Yes, but look at us, we're making it work'.. to which my Mother replied 'Well, yes but you don't REALLY know him now do you?".

I thought to myself hmm what an interesting comment to make? By what factors do we determine knowing somebody. My mother has this thing in her head that you have to spend time with a person to really know them (sure, that's true, I don't disagree) but isn't communication the most important element? You get to know a person by talking to them right? Having those deep conversations and being totally honest with one another. Not just talking about shallow topics, but really digging below the surface and having in depth conversations about life, values, experiences, faith etc. Those conversations help you shape an opinion about a person and really get to know their belief systems etc.

I guess I'm wondering people's opinions on what you think are key elements in really getting to know a person when you're separated by distance? Other than daily Skype video calls (which include, times of prayer and bible reading along with just regular conversation) and viber messages a zillion times a day how else can a couple so far apart deepen their relationship when going out together each weekend or once a month even simply isn't an option?

 

[akrick]

I agree with Abbiejean. I learned the hard way and I pray that no one else would have to do that. You may start out over the internet but I erge you to find some way to spent a lot of time together (in the same place) before making any long term commitment. Always pray for the Lord's will in your situation always putting His will first. I'll be praying for you two.

God bless,

Rick

 

[christian74]

I thought to myself hmm what an interesting comment to make? By what factors do we determine knowing somebody. My mother has this thing in her head that you have to spend time with a person to really know them (sure, that's true, I don't disagree) but isn't communication the most important element? You get to know a person by talking to them right? Having those deep conversations and being totally honest with one another. Not just talking about shallow topics, but really digging below the surface and having in depth conversations about life, values, experiences, faith etc. Those conversations help you shape an opinion about a person and really get to know their belief systems etc.

I guess I'm wondering people's opinions on what you think are key elements in really getting to know a person when you're separated by distance? Other than daily Skype video calls (which include, times of prayer and bible reading along with just regular conversation) and viber messages a zillion times a day how else can a couple so far apart deepen their relationship when going out together each weekend or once a month even simply isn't an option?

I can relate to you from my own experience and how you feel about the communication between two people being the most important element. True. However, all the deep conversations and connections you have don't mean much in the context of relationship and marriage if you just keep staying in that long distance relationship.

I believe long distance relationship is meant to and should last only for so long for two of you to prepare to be together, not some abstract plan or mere hope and wish of meeting or being together someday, but rather actually planning something in detail. From a man's perspective, if the man you are seeing is not putting any or real effort of figuring out how and what he is going to do to see you permanently (not just flying over once in a while), then you have to kinda ask if he wants to pursue this all the way on his end. Are you guys just being comfortable having each other, seeing each other through skype and texting for the sake of being in a relationship and knowing you have someone in your life? Or are you guys actually planning something and working toward to meet permanently? If not, then it is very likely that the current long distance relationship will last for sometimes, or even for years, and eventually will fizzle out. I'm not questioning the genuineness of your relationship or love between you two here but the result that likely will happen. And also you said how going out together each weekend or once a month simply isn't an option, which is true - and that "reality" should last, again, only for so long. I think 6 months is sufficient of time to decide whether to further this relationship or not. I am not saying one should relocate after 6 months but it should at least give him enough time to decide whether he wants to relocate and put that desire into action - instead of wishing something will happen eventually somehow.

So, you were probably thinking your question was about how can a couple in a long distance relationship deepen their relationship, not about planning and stuff. I think a couple in a long distance relationship can and should deepen their relationship by planning something in writing so they can meet in person permanently. I know it's a big decision and a tall obstacle. But I think you two should sit, discuss and "calculate" if you guys are willing to go through this or not and work toward meeting in person permanently. Anyways, I hope everything works out for you two and actually get to deepen your relationship by being able to interact in person every day (or at least every weekends!).

 

[iraasuup]

Thanks guys, some interesting opinions there.

I should clarify. We have actually met in person. I actually went on a vacation to the US last year (which I had already had planned at the time of us really starting to communicate on a regular basis). When I was in his city, we met up and spent two days together (short, but I was only in that area for 2 days). At that point we knew we wanted to take things further but decided to pray about it. I was heading home after that and he had some very big things coming up in his life that he had to attend to within the coming weeks. So, we decided to deal with those priorities first and pray about it, seek counsel etc before making any choices about having a relationship. That was in June last year.

In August we decided to pursue a relationship. So that was 2 months after we met in person with continued contact, and much prayer. It hasn't been easy, but I do know God can work in ways we will never comprehend. We have discussed plans about how to relocate to be with one another but it's somewhat complicated. I'm still studying so need to finish my degree but also there are things like visa requirements and criteria that make things tricky. So we're working things out. Both of us have some commitments in our home town for at least the rest of this year anyway. So, we wait and see.

After I posted this thread, I had a really good talk with him about the relationship and getting to know each other, and being able to ensure we can actually spend time with one another so I feel much better now. I think my Mum (as well meaning as she is) just kinda threw me off a lil with her comment!