How do you learn to trust again, after being so terribly hurt in a failed relationship? When you trusted someone, and all they did was lie to you, how do you ever trust anyone again? This is my biggest fear- letting go and trusting again, because I never want to experience such pain again! Any tips? Can anyone relate? I'm scared to even allow myself to get too close to any guy, and I automatically put up walls and 'friend zone' them, even if I actually think they're nice guys who could be worth getting to know! Am I crazy?
Rebuilding the trust
- Thread starter iraasuup
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You're not crazy. You've been through a very rough time recently and need some time and space to let your wounds heal. There is no one magic word or action that will take your pain away instantly. However, if you give all your pain to God, and keep giving it to Him the minute it's brought up to you, in time your wounds will heal. There maybe scars, but then, those scars are what will make you wiser.
I
I find you need to always have yer' eyes & trust on God 1st and all the time..no matter how much you love to get to know someone. Man will fail you. Even people we put our trust in..will fail us,not always on purpose,but it happens. I just came out of a 12 yr relationship...9 of those years I was married. I am still dealing with the pain. Of course my first instinct is to never let another woman that close to me,but I also have to let God heal me of this because if I don't,not only will it mess with any future romantic relationship I might have with someone God brings me but it will seep into & poison all my other relationships as well. Only tip I can give you is get more intimate with God & don't worry about getting close to a man right now..give it a bit of time..let God heal you first,then seek him in where to go from there.
Thanks for the replies. I apologise in advance for my long, dense paragraph, for some reason my 'enter' key doesn't work in CC forums (and ONLY in CC forums). I completely understand the fully relying on God thing, I've had to learn that, it's what's got me this far. That and literally taking one day at a time. Since my experience, I've seen God move in amazing ways in other areas of my life, and doors have opened up to me, I never dreamed would be possible. I'm truly blessed. I guess though, that the human side of me errs on the side of caution. My mind 'rationalises' about things, and I start thinking 'what if this and what if that' based on my experiences. I just don't know how to open up fully, and let go of that pain of my past. I fear it will hinder any future, potential relationships, if I can't deal with it. I have no immediate plans for a relationship at all. Right now, I'm focusing on walking through those new doors God has opened for me, and enjoying the new opportunities, but the whole 'starting a new relationship' thing (if I ever do) does play in the back of my mind I guess.
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S
I don't know your story. I'm not asking to know your story. 99%+ of the people here only know a shadow of my story.
But...
I, in my own individualized way, understand.
I actually came to CC as an exercise that I have at times enjoyed and other days forced myself to do, as an early step in my process of learning to trust again. What has worked best for me is trusting God first and while clinging tightly to Him, slowly working my way into trusting other.
But...
I, in my own individualized way, understand.
I actually came to CC as an exercise that I have at times enjoyed and other days forced myself to do, as an early step in my process of learning to trust again. What has worked best for me is trusting God first and while clinging tightly to Him, slowly working my way into trusting other.
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I feel for you iraasuup. I have a bad habit of holding people at arm's length. I have my reasons, some legitimate (well, I think they are) and some not. There is some great advice given here. 
I think it's helpful to take everything to God in prayer. Honestly, there are some people we really shouldn't trust. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, it's just the truth; some people don't have your best interest in mind. That's why I think being prayerful and asking for discernment from God is wise.
It's not in your original post, though speaking from my own experiences, it seems that needing to forgive the other person comes with the broken trust. Though it wasn't a "relationship" in the way you're talking about it, there were a few relationships last year that broke my trust, and I felt really angry and bitter for a while. That may not be something you struggle with, but they often go hand in hand, so just thought I'd throw it out there for you to give some thought on as well.
I think it's helpful to take everything to God in prayer. Honestly, there are some people we really shouldn't trust. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, it's just the truth; some people don't have your best interest in mind. That's why I think being prayerful and asking for discernment from God is wise.
It's not in your original post, though speaking from my own experiences, it seems that needing to forgive the other person comes with the broken trust. Though it wasn't a "relationship" in the way you're talking about it, there were a few relationships last year that broke my trust, and I felt really angry and bitter for a while. That may not be something you struggle with, but they often go hand in hand, so just thought I'd throw it out there for you to give some thought on as well.
I think you will find that you are by no means crazy. As a matter of fact, I think that many of the people in the CC singles forums can relate to you. Most people just don't come forward with the hurt and mistrust that they have.
I will step forward and tell you that I certainly can relate.
This is something that I have been spending a lot of time seeking the Lord on. My approach has been different than yours but it comes from the same kind of hurt that you have experienced.
Anytime I was hurt in the past, I was determined to say, "I will NOT let this affect me to the point of not trusting others." I overcompensated. I found myself getting attached too quickly and trusting all to easily and then getting hurt again and again.
I am learning now the importance of wisdom and discretion. I am learning the importance of taking time to get to know someone and to carefully weigh things that should come as a warning. Commitment issues is something that I am learning that I should not easily overlook. I have had to take a good look at how I have forsaken wisdom in the past. I can see how I was hasty and ignored whenever I was warned that someone may not be committed to enduring what is necessary to grow together in the Lord.
It kind of sounds like I need a little more of what you have and you need a little more of what I have; like we have had opposite approaches. In your case, don't allow your past to determine your present or future. It is not just/fair to judge others according to how you have been treated in the past. Think about that wonderful man that you have in mind. Think about how you would like him to be treated. Don't let how others have treated you cause you to treat him otherwise.
Ask God to give you wisdom and be patient. I hope that this was in some way helpful.
I will step forward and tell you that I certainly can relate.
This is something that I have been spending a lot of time seeking the Lord on. My approach has been different than yours but it comes from the same kind of hurt that you have experienced.
Anytime I was hurt in the past, I was determined to say, "I will NOT let this affect me to the point of not trusting others." I overcompensated. I found myself getting attached too quickly and trusting all to easily and then getting hurt again and again.
I am learning now the importance of wisdom and discretion. I am learning the importance of taking time to get to know someone and to carefully weigh things that should come as a warning. Commitment issues is something that I am learning that I should not easily overlook. I have had to take a good look at how I have forsaken wisdom in the past. I can see how I was hasty and ignored whenever I was warned that someone may not be committed to enduring what is necessary to grow together in the Lord.
It kind of sounds like I need a little more of what you have and you need a little more of what I have; like we have had opposite approaches. In your case, don't allow your past to determine your present or future. It is not just/fair to judge others according to how you have been treated in the past. Think about that wonderful man that you have in mind. Think about how you would like him to be treated. Don't let how others have treated you cause you to treat him otherwise.
Ask God to give you wisdom and be patient. I hope that this was in some way helpful.
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Thanks Markum, that does indeed make perfect sense.
My biggest problem since this experience has been doing exactly what you said not to do...putting all guys into the same box. I admit I'm somewhat jaded about men now. However, I do know that not all guys are the same, but it's so easy to keep my distance and tell myself that if one guy did this to me, how do I know another won't?
The truth is, I don't know that. I just have to trust. But, you have to develop a certain closeness in order to reach that level of trust, and my mind tells me its easier to just not allow that closeness to happen, then I don't have to worry about having my trust broken! Make sense?
It's hard to explain. A million 'what if's' run through my mind, and I know I can't let them hold me back, I have to let go and let God. My situation is complicated and in my mind, I honestly struggle to comprehend the notion of any guy ever wanting to take me on if he knew my whole story. That's why I tend to say somewhat guarded, but I know that's not ideal either.
Relationships are complicated *sigh*
My biggest problem since this experience has been doing exactly what you said not to do...putting all guys into the same box. I admit I'm somewhat jaded about men now. However, I do know that not all guys are the same, but it's so easy to keep my distance and tell myself that if one guy did this to me, how do I know another won't?
The truth is, I don't know that. I just have to trust. But, you have to develop a certain closeness in order to reach that level of trust, and my mind tells me its easier to just not allow that closeness to happen, then I don't have to worry about having my trust broken! Make sense?
It's hard to explain. A million 'what if's' run through my mind, and I know I can't let them hold me back, I have to let go and let God. My situation is complicated and in my mind, I honestly struggle to comprehend the notion of any guy ever wanting to take me on if he knew my whole story. That's why I tend to say somewhat guarded, but I know that's not ideal either.
Relationships are complicated *sigh*
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