Settling and being picky

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rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#1
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
48
33
#1
I have seen it said on this forum that us single folk (particularly the younger ones) are "just too picky". I agree that there are no perfect people, so for us to look for a perfect person is a futile effort.

But, it made me think: Where is the line between having high standards, combined with "preferences" (are those super important?), and being too picky? How do you not fall into the opposite end of the spectrum where you simply "settle"? What does "settling" mean to you? How do you keep from doing so without being too picky?

I don't know if this makes sense. There is a balance in there somewhere, of having standards but not being too picky, and I'm curious to hear what you CCers think.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#2
#2
For me:

High standards = Christian, intelligent, compassionate, good work ethic, attractive to me (which can mean many things), common interests

Picky = Christian, specific IQ, specific type of job, specific salary level, specific area of the country, specific height/build/eye and hair colors

I know what I look for in a guy, but if I paint too small of a box, I could miss someone amazing :)
 
Loveneverfails

Loveneverfails

Senior Member
#3
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#3
I think if your standards start to put God in a box, as in "Lord, this are these PRECISE specifications for my future spouse, and I won't settle for anything less!", you're being too picky. Like Jullianna said, you could miss out on something amazing that He has planned for you.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#4
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#4
I think there should be things that are important to you and things that are non-negotiable. Then there are things that should be settled on.

For me, the big non-negotiable was that she had to have a genuine, deep, growing relationship with God. And she had to be pro-life. Important things were that she had to be patient and forgiving since I think I'm kind of a hard person to live with. Also she had to be really good-looking. And easy to talk to. And couldn't have any tattoos.

Then there were "big" things, like certain hobbies/interests which would be nice, but not necessarily that important to having a long-lasting, healthy marriage. Those things can certainly be settled upon.

For me, the tattoo thing was cultural, and because I know how petty I can be. It's good to know yourself to get an idea of what will really be important to you 30 years down the road.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#5
#5
AAAPlus said:
Also she had to be really good-looking.
For me, the tattoo thing was cultural, and because I know how petty I can be. It's good to know yourself to get an idea of what will really be important to you 30 years down the road.
Click to expand...
Yeah... totally. It's important to me he's really hot now, and still really hot 30 years down the road.

I can't have him looking old when he is actually old. That is such a deal breaker.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#6
#6
The question is...where will that tattoo be 30 years from now? :)
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#7
Apr 18, 2013
9,415
2,489
113
#7
Jullianna said:
For me:

High standards = Christian, intelligent, compassionate, good work ethic, attractive to me (which can mean many things), common interests

Picky = Christian, specific IQ, specific type of job, specific salary level, specific area of the country, specific height/build/eye and hair colors

I know what I look for in a guy, but if I paint too small of a box, I could miss someone amazing :)
Click to expand...

Wow,
I get nervous around any girl that expects a man to have an IQ.

: )
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#8
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#8
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Yeah... totally. It's important to me he's really hot now, and still really hot 30 years down the road.

I can't have him looking old when he is actually old. That is such a deal breaker.
Click to expand...
She'll still be gorgeous when she's all old =)

Plus I only plan on living another 10 years so...you know.
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#9
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#9
I'm at work typing on my phone. Annnnd it's time to go back to work. I will answer this thread… in about 7 hours.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#10
#10
I know i have said this before, but these topics keep repeating themselves, so my answers will too.

I think its easier to have a list of 'don't wants' and the list of 'wants' to be smaller. I feel that in this manner i leave myself more open to more people by not having a list of 'must haves'. I know what i can't tolerate or don't want to have to put up with, so i'm more worried about those than laying out a map of requirements. Though i do have a few important 'must haves', but i try to keep them limited and reasonable.
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#11
#11
Ugly said:
I think its easier to have a list of 'don't wants' and the list of 'wants' to be smaller.

-snip!-

Though i do have a few important 'must haves', but i try to keep them limited and reasonable.
Click to expand...
Man, you are really firing on all cylinders tonight.

That's really how it should be. Focus on the priorities, and the rest are just details that mean very little in the long run.

My profile on the meat-market sites starts with the line:
"Faith, family, profession, health. Those are the priorities I try to keep, in that order."

My profile finishes with my expectation for my future spouse to have the same priorities in the same order. ("Bonus points if you can capitalize, punctuate, and spell properly.") Because if those things are right, then the important things are taken care of, and the other stuff really doesn't matter.

Are there things that I don't want? Absolutely. But if we spend more time looking at the things we don't want, we won't see the thing we do want when it's in front of us, because we're looking in the wrong place! You win the race by looking to the finish line, not by staring at the audience who isn't even involved. ^_^
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#12
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#12
rachelsedge said:
I have seen it said on this forum that us single folk (particularly the younger ones) are "just too picky". I agree that there are no perfect people, so for us to look for a perfect person is a futile effort.

But, it made me think: Where is the line between having high standards, combined with "preferences" (are those super important?), and being too picky? How do you not fall into the opposite end of the spectrum where you simply "settle"? What does "settling" mean to you? How do you keep from doing so without being too picky?

I don't know if this makes sense. There is a balance in there somewhere, of having standards but not being too picky, and I'm curious to hear what you CCers think.
Click to expand...
When one has ruled out 99.9% of the opposite sex they're probably being a little too picky.
 
F

FireWire

Guest
#13
#13
Ugly said:
I know i have said this before, but these topics keep repeating themselves, so my answers will too.

I think its easier to have a list of 'don't wants' and the list of 'wants' to be smaller. I feel that in this manner i leave myself more open to more people by not having a list of 'must haves'. I know what i can't tolerate or don't want to have to put up with, so i'm more worried about those than laying out a map of requirements. Though i do have a few important 'must haves', but i try to keep them limited and reasonable.
Click to expand...
Yepppp. Like a CD on repeat. Nothing new here.
 
error

error

Senior Member
#14
Oct 23, 2009
1,244
10
38
#14
Yes, I am picky. So what? At least I know what I want. :)
 
LightningClap0002

LightningClap0002

Senior Member
#15
Feb 10, 2008
3,371
16
38
#15
With relationships, even more than everything else in my life, I rely completely on God. I have no standards apart from God's blessing. To foolishly think that I know more about love than Him is wrought with failure.

So in response to the OP, I completely believe that any 'standards' that you have chosen which could prevent you from following God's will for you in a relationship are 'too picky.' Heck, if they prevent you from following God's will they are even worse, they are sinful. The most excellent standard is love, of which there is no greater expert than God.
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#16
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#16
rachelsedge said:
I have seen it said on this forum that us single folk (particularly the younger ones) are "just too picky". I agree that there are no perfect people, so for us to look for a perfect person is a futile effort.

But, it made me think: Where is the line between having high standards, combined with "preferences" (are those super important?), and being too picky? How do you not fall into the opposite end of the spectrum where you simply "settle"? What does "settling" mean to you? How do you keep from doing so without being too picky?

I don't know if this makes sense. There is a balance in there somewhere, of having standards but not being too picky, and I'm curious to hear what you CCers think.
Click to expand...
I think it's a good idea to write down all of the things you expect, & for a month try to keep all of them yourself. After a day or two, when you've failed miserably, you might come up with a new list. ;)
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#17
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#17
All fun aside, it's God's choice that matters. Anything else may indeed be against His will.
If Jesus is my Lord, shouldn't He make the decisions?
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#18
#18
I think it's required of me, as a parent already, to have high standards and be hyper-aware of the personality and character of a man. I very much side with Jullianna on the subject of High Standards vs. Being Picky. High standards are already important but how could I justify lowering them and settling when it affects more than just me? I dunno...I've never been able to settle...and maybe I'm too picky. :/ I don't want the tiny box so as to miss something wonderful. I try not to be picky but rather, to simply evaluate the character and values of a man. I can't really fault myself for that.
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#19
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#19
When it comes to standards or expectations, there's a problem. What we think a person's standards are & what they really are are usually 2 different things. The same can be said for ourselves.

Which one of the singles in here is already the "right one" for that wonderful someone? Be honest. Some of you aren't expecting God to give you anyone because of your own unforgiveness, that you're "damaged goods" because of your past. God forgives. He's not like that. You shouldn't be either.

When I met my wife, I was not mature enough to be considered a "catch". My wife-to-be wasn't either. She had a bad temper. I was 20 & had the mind of a 17 yr old. Does that sound like a perfect match?

The point is, when God makes the choices, He's big enough to make it work. I've been married for 29 years now, & God still makes it work. He has to! And He always will.
 
R

Ringer

Guest
#20
#20
My standard:
Doth she liketh the pizza?

Yes = She's the one.
No = She's not the one.

Totally contrasted.
 
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