Hello, everyone! 
I've recently joined the community, and it actually marked my recent re-awakening spiritually. I am blessed to find a place here where i could freely speak of my love for our Lord and Saviour. And now, i am about to share my internal struggle. Apparently, some habits die hard. And my worst of habits is my constant belittling of myself.
I guess it's 'coz i grew up, being made to think i'm not good enough. So, in effect, i either really try hard to improve myself, or the other extreme, which is to totally not care about myself, or anyone, or anything.
I could have been the nightmare rebel black sheep, or just plain dead before i reached 16, if not for our God who stepped in and took me by the hand, bringing me outside the world and into His presence. I had been forever changed since that night, and i will sing my praises to Him forever 'coz of His love for me and us all.
But in all honesty, i continued to struggle in the one area in my life that never got a real green light: my lovelife.
For years, i strived to be the ideal girl that a man would desire. Sexy, pretty, affectionate, loving, very giving and open. And i'm ashamed to admit that i have compromised countless times just to keep their attention and their so-called love...until i just found myself entirely spent and empty.
The recent months before my revival were the worst. Every night i was crying...for a love that was not meant to be. I prayed for it to end, and God has been gracious to give me the freedom from that relationship. But ironically, i was begging to have whatever seeming warmth or affection or love i received from it. But knowing i can't and shouldn't tore at me even more...i was desperate for all the wrong things, and for all the wrong reasons.
God's hand upon this state of my heart and spiritual life was perfect, in that He revealed to me that the things i was longing for isn't what is needed right now in my life. He took my hand, and pulled me into His corner...He showed me that so much needs to be done, and time can't be spent any longer in crying in the dark. His plan and His will is greater than all i was longing for. I was silenced. Thankfully. Only then did i realize that i was so tired of my own thoughts and internal screaming and whining. He filled me with His joy and peace, and His Holy Fire, all that my heart truly longed for, but didn't find the right mind to speak. I said in my thoughts and prayers that i don't want to go back to that state ever again.
All seemed well, until just a few days ago, where i found myself struggling again. The same theme. I thought i've overcome this hurdle, but apparently it's got so many more replicas trying to block my path. There went the feelings of inadequacy, and ugliness, and just being plain unwanted. I just felt terribly sick spiritually again. The fear of falling into the dark gripped me...a part of me wanted to just accept what seemed inevitable.
But this morning, God spoke to me as i prayerfully read 1 Peter 3:8-4:11. Again, i am reminded on what i must do as a Christian. To live a life of holiness and righteousness, and to love my brethren with a holy, brotherly love. I also came upon this wonderful Bible study by Rexanna Raymond (God bless her heart!) that revealed to me what it means to be free, and to soar spiritually. Here is the link: Soar Like An Eagle
I've recently joined the community, and it actually marked my recent re-awakening spiritually. I am blessed to find a place here where i could freely speak of my love for our Lord and Saviour. And now, i am about to share my internal struggle. Apparently, some habits die hard. And my worst of habits is my constant belittling of myself.
I guess it's 'coz i grew up, being made to think i'm not good enough. So, in effect, i either really try hard to improve myself, or the other extreme, which is to totally not care about myself, or anyone, or anything.
I could have been the nightmare rebel black sheep, or just plain dead before i reached 16, if not for our God who stepped in and took me by the hand, bringing me outside the world and into His presence. I had been forever changed since that night, and i will sing my praises to Him forever 'coz of His love for me and us all.
But in all honesty, i continued to struggle in the one area in my life that never got a real green light: my lovelife.
For years, i strived to be the ideal girl that a man would desire. Sexy, pretty, affectionate, loving, very giving and open. And i'm ashamed to admit that i have compromised countless times just to keep their attention and their so-called love...until i just found myself entirely spent and empty.
The recent months before my revival were the worst. Every night i was crying...for a love that was not meant to be. I prayed for it to end, and God has been gracious to give me the freedom from that relationship. But ironically, i was begging to have whatever seeming warmth or affection or love i received from it. But knowing i can't and shouldn't tore at me even more...i was desperate for all the wrong things, and for all the wrong reasons.
God's hand upon this state of my heart and spiritual life was perfect, in that He revealed to me that the things i was longing for isn't what is needed right now in my life. He took my hand, and pulled me into His corner...He showed me that so much needs to be done, and time can't be spent any longer in crying in the dark. His plan and His will is greater than all i was longing for. I was silenced. Thankfully. Only then did i realize that i was so tired of my own thoughts and internal screaming and whining. He filled me with His joy and peace, and His Holy Fire, all that my heart truly longed for, but didn't find the right mind to speak. I said in my thoughts and prayers that i don't want to go back to that state ever again.
All seemed well, until just a few days ago, where i found myself struggling again. The same theme. I thought i've overcome this hurdle, but apparently it's got so many more replicas trying to block my path. There went the feelings of inadequacy, and ugliness, and just being plain unwanted. I just felt terribly sick spiritually again. The fear of falling into the dark gripped me...a part of me wanted to just accept what seemed inevitable.
But this morning, God spoke to me as i prayerfully read 1 Peter 3:8-4:11. Again, i am reminded on what i must do as a Christian. To live a life of holiness and righteousness, and to love my brethren with a holy, brotherly love. I also came upon this wonderful Bible study by Rexanna Raymond (God bless her heart!) that revealed to me what it means to be free, and to soar spiritually. Here is the link: Soar Like An Eagle