When You'd Like To Reach Out, But Know You Probably Shouldn't... (?)

[cinder]

And I'm thinking that this year for Christmas you could invite him to a church service or event, or see if there's a church around that does a community meal type of thing that you could let him know about (whether or not you plan on going yourself).

If I were in that situation with someone I felt I knew well enough, I might say something like: Well there's no sense in both of us sitting at home miserable and alone for Christmas, want to meet at Denny's for Christmas brunch (though last year family did thanksgiving at dennys and we kind of decided never again, it really wasn't that great)?

But yeah all those worries about leading people on or them getting the wrong idea really stink like a pile of old diapers.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I want to sincerely thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to this thread.

Please, if you have anything else you'd like to share, feel free to continue to do so.

I talked with someone who works in upper-level management--not at the same company, but in the same line of work. He suggested that I only spend time with someone in a situation like this within a group of people (or at least have one other woman present.) I am going to take this advice (which is the same as what many others here also said--thank you very much for your sharing your thoughts.)

Unfortunately, rumors always spread like wildfire and I had a problem at my last job with someone whom I didn't even talk to outside of work telling people things that most certainly were not true.

I was pretty devastated at first, but eventually, I told God I had to leave it all in His hands.

I'm going to pray that maybe God will help me put together a small group of people that can all spend time together instead of just myself and this other person.

Thank you all so much for listening and God bless. <3

 

[AbigailZeke]

Hey Everyone,

I have a situation that's been bothering me, and I'd like to ask what you would choose to do if it were you.

One of my co-workers is a much older, wiser gentleman who is alone for the holidays. He's lived a wide and varied life and has many interesting stories to tell. We talk about life, travel, careers, and even the Bible, though we hold some very different beliefs, but are always respectful of each others' views.

I had a chance to talk with this man a few minutes on the night before Thanksgiving, seeing as we were both working for part of the holiday. He mentioned, as a matter of fact (and not self-pity), that he would be by himself for all the holidays, and it made me very sad.

I'm usually alone for the holidays as well, and sure, sometimes it's a real bummer, but I usually manage to stay busy, and most times, I'm usually working anyway.

But in this case, I was going to have the last half of Turkey Day off, and for a brief moment, I thought of asking this co-worker to meet me at a restaurant for a late lunch or early dinner.

It's funny how a simple act of wanting to reach out to someone can put you in such a tailspin. I weighed the pros and cons... and finally decided not to say anything.

Being single can be such a complicated thing, huh? It's like you can't win either way. I decided not to ask because I didn't want to give this man a reason to think I was romantically interested in him. In many ways, it's dangerous to even say that, because I'm not trying at all to sound conceited enough to think this man might become interested in me. But I think most people here know what I'm saying. He often praises me for some of the tasks I've completed and I don't want him to think of me as anything more than (hopefully) a good co-worker.

I've actually run into this situation a few times... There was someone I would have loved to ask to coffee or lunch, but I didn't, because I was afraid of giving off the wrong impression. Besides, how many times have we all complained about always having someone put us in the Friend Zone? So, I try very hard not to make someone else feel that way, either.

And so, I spent my Turkey Day mostly watching TV, but I was thinking about how sad it is that we can't even do something as simple as enjoy another person's company because of social/gender complications.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I will be by myself. I know my co-worker will be too. But again, I'm thinking it's best for me not to say anything.

What would you do?

Have you been in a similar situation before, and what did you decide to do?

I think I have been in a similar situation. I would have invited a 3rd or 4th person and had fun with him and the rest. I think that would work for everyone without risking anything.

 

[AbigailZeke]

Ooops I'm late to the party. xD They have already suggested a 3rd.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Interesting to see this topic tonight. I'm dealing with several situations right now that have me thinking about this sort of thing. One of my male friends is graduating from college next week and his mother and her boyfriend are traveling down from very far away for the ceremony, and need a place to stay. I want to open my home to them, but have to be careful... it's just women here at my house. I'd feel comfortable with his mother here, but am not really sure about the boyfriend staying here. But... they need a place to stay. They have very little money. What to do, what to do...

And then there's this single male who's been attending church lately and obviously needs to be "plugged in" to a group for social interaction and fellowship. Since I have small group at my house, and often host group gatherings, it's an easy thing to invite him to come to any or all of them. But I have to be careful, too, that he doesn't get the wrong idea. My daughter is the one who invited him to our church, and then she invited him to sit with us at church, which was very nice of her, but it sure puts me in an awkward situation!

Being single is complicated!

 

[Fenner]

I get what you're saying Kim. I like all the suggestions about a 3rd party but being in a situation when a person did get a wrong idea, going there can turn a good intention into a someone's feelings getting hurt and in my case someone making a romantic move and turning from nice friend into nasty person yelling at you in public saying that you led them on and they thought you wanted IT as much as they did. So I understand how you feel about that.

 

[HisHolly]

You could be honest and say you have no intentions other than enjoying company during a holiday.. Then yield to the Holy Spirit bc ministering, if its him prompting you to ask in the first place, He will provide the grace and ability needed to handle and direct the situation.. I say pray and trust God

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

I want to sincerely thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to this thread.

Please, if you have anything else you'd like to share, feel free to continue to do so.

I talked with someone who works in upper-level management--not at the same company, but in the same line of work. He suggested that I only spend time with someone in a situation like this within a group of people (or at least have one other woman present.) I am going to take this advice (which is the same as what many others here also said--thank you very much for your sharing your thoughts.)

Unfortunately, rumors always spread like wildfire and I had a problem at my last job with someone whom I didn't even talk to outside of work telling people things that most certainly were not true.

I was pretty devastated at first, but eventually, I told God I had to leave it all in His hands.

I'm going to pray that maybe God will help me put together a small group of people that can all spend time together instead of just myself and this other person.

Thank you all so much for listening and God bless. <3

If you really want to spend your Christmas with a group of people then that's fine, but if you're going to do it just because you feel bad for this gentleman, I don't think that's a good idea because in my opinion you would be doing it for the wrong reason. Like I said before, if I was that older man I would still feel like you might be interested even if its with a group... AND if you told me you were just doing this just so I wouldn't be alone for Christmas I would feel like you were patronizing me and I would decline.. (but of course, that's just me)

 

[Chris2552]

Why not just tell him the truth? Im not intrested in a relationship, but im free as well, if you would like some company we could get some coffee or lunch.

The problem with friendzone is that no one tells them beforehand that they arent after a relationship so the other person is always left confused.

 

[chickwithsticks]

You have gotten great advice Kim but all I kept thinking is couldnt you simply say something like...I enjoy our friendship so much and since we both arent visiting family this christmas why dont we see if others are in same situation and have a community meal organized.

Was thinking this should set the tone and intent clearly.

Just a thought. Hate to see missed opportunity for fellowship out of fear. I always wonder if Satan uses these situations as footholds

 

[zeroturbulence]

You have gotten great advice Kim but all I kept thinking is couldnt you simply say something like...I enjoy our friendship so much and since we both arent visiting family this christmas why dont we see if others are in same situation and have a community meal organized.

Was thinking this should set the tone and intent clearly.

Just a thought. Hate to see missed opportunity for fellowship out of fear. I always wonder if Satan uses these situations as footholds

Or she could say, "Hey, I'm going to this totally rockin party on Christmas Eve. You should come to!"

 

[seoulsearch]

As an update... I have to admit that I have been plotting.

One of the women who works at the fitness center I go to is very sweet, single, very pretty, and, I'm guessing, around the age bracket of the gentlemen whom I first posted about.

Time will tell. I'm supposed to have coffee with this woman sometime... So... who knows.

It may work it's way up to, "Hey, I know this gentleman... Maybe the three of us could go get coffee next time."

Hopefully they won't think I'm meddling.

As someone who's been single for a long time, I hate seeing other people who are alone if they don't want to be, either.

 

[Zmouth]

Or she could say, "Hey, I'm going to this totally rockin party on Christmas Eve. You should come to!"

I think the advice previous given by the last couple of posters are pretty good advice so you might want to quit while your ahead so you can just ignore this one. (I would have deleted it but I didn't think about that until after it couldn't be deleted anymore.)

I would think if you have to tell them that it is only platonic then i am not to sure that would be the best date to go on, but then again even the losers get lucky some times.

Either way, if you don't know who the greatest drummer in the history of rock and roll is, then might want just stick with Church. So who is the greatest drummer? Boy that a tough one but just keep your mind on the celebration.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I would think if you have to tell them that it is only platonic then i am not to sure that would be the best date to go on, but then again even the losers get lucky some times.

That's exactly the point I tried to make with my now famous "I'd rather not be patronized" post...

But of course now everyone thinks I was saying, "Stop making yourself superior to me!" ... uh.. yeaaaa.. -_-

 

[Tintin]

As an update... I have to admit that I have been plotting.

One of the women who works at the fitness center I go to is very sweet, single, very pretty, and, I'm guessing, around the age bracket of the gentlemen whom I first posted about.

Time will tell. I'm supposed to have coffee with this woman sometime... So... who knows.

It may work it's way up to, "Hey, I know this gentleman... Maybe the three of us could go get coffee next time."

Hopefully they won't think I'm meddling.

As someone who's been single for a long time, I hate seeing other people who are alone if they don't want to be, either.

(Good on you, Kim)

 

[Zmouth]

That's exactly the point I tried to make with my now famous "I'd rather not be patronized" post...

But of course now everyone thinks I was saying, "Stop making yourself superior to me!" ... uh.. yeaaaa.. -_-

LOL, context is everything. To one light is visible to another it is invisible.

 

[seoulsearch]

That's exactly the point I tried to make with my now famous "I'd rather not be patronized" post...

But of course now everyone thinks I was saying, "Stop making yourself superior to me!" ... uh.. yeaaaa.. -_-

Aw...

No, I didn't think you sounded superior at all, Zero.

As I said before, your post reminded me of some times in MY OWN life when ME, MYSELF, and I turned down some opportunities because I thought I was being patronized.

I most certainly did not mean to make it sound like you thought you were superior to anyone, and I apologize for any misunderstandings.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Aw...

No, I didn't think you sounded superior at all, Zero.

As I said before, your post reminded me of some times in MY OWN life when ME, MYSELF, and I turned down some opportunities because I thought I was being patronized.

I most certainly did not mean to make it sound like you thought you were superior to anyone, and I apologize for any misunderstandings.

I was referring to that Google definition of 'patronizing' that you found...

"treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority."

Its ok...but please don't ever use Google's definition again for finding out what I mean about something..

 

[seoulsearch]

I was referring to that Google definition of 'patronizing' that you found...

"treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority."

Its ok...but please don't ever use Google's definition again for finding out what I mean about something..

There was a specific definition that I was looking for.

The synonymous Merriam-Webster definition I'm reading right now is similar to what I originally posted:

Patronize: "To adopt an air of condescension toward: to treat haughtily or coolly."

Apparently we are both using the same word, but are choosing very different definitions.

 

[Chey60]

Not true... I have a good friend who is in her early 40's...and single. Any time she shows generosity or kindness by going out to dinner with any man older or not..he always takes it as a sign that she is romantically interested..