I just need to get this all off my chest. Where do I begin?...
Back in March of this year, I was matched with this girl on a Christian dating website. We started to get to know one another by talking to each other through Skype. We got along pretty well and had similar interests. Come to find out, we had many friends in common. Several weeks passed and we talked about meeting one another in person. We ended up going on our first date to a nearby restaurant.
We talked about our families, our upbringings, our Christian faith, when we were saved, etc. We talked for the next 3 hours until the restaurant closed. We then grabbed some dessert and talked until the ice-cream place closed as well.
We then drove around talking about different things in our town. I took her to my house to meet my parents. She stayed and talked for a while and finally needed to go home. Our first date lasted 8 hours long. Pretty much a success, I‘d say.
We continued to hang out all the time from then on. We’d see each other almost daily. We would talk for hours and hours and never got bored with one another. No one could make me laugh as much as she did.
We soon became boyfriend and girlfriend and we began to share pieces of our hearts with one another. We would tell each other that we cared for one another and that we missed each other. We also held hands and would hug each other (nothing sexual ever happened, don’t worry).
The more that I began to know Jill, the more that my heart fell for her. She shared with me how her family was messed up (even though she comes from a Christian home) and how her family is so dysfunctional. She shared how some of her family members had issues with suicide attempts and how others had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and so on.
She shared how one of her past boyfriends was physically abusive to her. Nothing upsets me more when someone is mistreated and wronged. She would cry with me about things that were on her heart. I was always gentle, sweet and kind with her. I wanted to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman.
She shared with me how she never had someone be so kind and sweet to her. She didn’t have the best relationship with her father and has never seen a true male figure in her life.
As we continued to grow in our relationship, we started saying “I love you” to one another. Nothing meant more to me than to hear her say those words. How sweet they were!
She was sweet, kind, and funny. She was everything that I wanted in a wife. We started talking about our future and that we saw being with each other for a long time. We never wanted to be with anyone else….
As time passed, she began to share pieces of her past. She was afraid by telling me these things that I would run off. I told her nonsense and that I cared for her. I told her that ‘’it didn’t matter what she did in her past, it wouldn’t keep me from loving her”.
Father into our relationship though, I began to notice some things.
- Some of her friends who were super close to her are not good influences. One to be exact would drink, talk about getting wasted, sexual innuendos, used the f-word constantly (among other choice words), was very immature and acted like he was 16 years old (even though he is in his late 20’s). Jill would laugh at the sexual comments. She would hang out with these friends when we were not together, but would not hang out when I was around. She even made excuses for them saying that they were Christians and they prayed. She even went to their houses to hang out.
- There were some things that didn’t line up with what we first talked about in the beginning. For example, I believe that it is foolish to drink. I am also against tattoos. I talked about these things were her and shared Scriptures and she agreed with me on these things (or so I thought). She had shared how she had a few drinks but was ashamed of it and wouldn’t ever do it again. A few months later, the topic of alcohol came back up again and she had a different tune. She said that she wasn’t sure if she would go out and drink again or not. She also said that if she did, she wouldn’t do it in front of me.
- I noticed that she liked things on her friends’ Facebook pages that were sexual and VERY inappropriate.
- She had no problem going and hanging out with other guys, one-on-one. She even went to dinner with them, even though they were just her friends. Call me old fashioned, but what is the point of dating me if you are with other men? I told her that I didn’t like it and that she said that she was surprised. She told me that her other boyfriends had jealousy issues and were always so controlling about who she was with. She believed that having jealousy was unhealthy. She wouldn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other girls as long as she knew about it (why would I want to when she made me happy?). She didn’t like someone telling her that she couldn’t hang out with her friends (I never did that). She called me later and said that she wouldn’t hang out with other guys because she knew that it would make me happy.
- When talking about why I post Bible verses and profound statements on my Facebook page, Jill said, “That's why I don't really post very many profound statements or posts. It might hurt someone's feelings or give them the wrong idea. I'll post bible quotes but I always try and think of why I am posting the bible verse. If it is to condemn someone or put people down I will not post the verse. But if I am doing it with a good heart and good intentions, then I will post it. Just because it's a bible verse doesn't mean it's a good thing to post; it's all about the thoughts and feelings behind it.”
- didn’t like it that I said ‘’yes sir, no ma’am” and “yes ma’am, no ma’am” to her parents. She said that I didn’t have to shake her Dad’s hand and that I didn’t have to hug her Mom every time that I went over to their house. She said that I didn’t have to be so formal around them. She said that I was more of a stuffed shirt around her parents and that they found it hard to talk to me.
- When I got into her car once, she had her radio playing. As I started to speak, she cut me off and said, ‘’hold on, this is one of my favorite songs”. She didn’t want to talk until after the song was over.
- I got texts that weren’t meant for me. For example, some of them contained cuss words and one was about liquor.
I talked to her about several issues that I had with her. I was as kind as I could be with her. She said that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that it wasn’t working out. All those phone calls, all those texts, all those “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I don’t want to be with anyone else” messages simply stopped.
She revealed to me that she dated me for what she called the right reasons. She then said that she thought that if she dated a good Christian guy, that it would fix her. She thought that if she was with me, it would bring her closer to God. She said that only she could bring herself closer to Him.
She said that she always felt guilty and bad about herself when she was around me. I always encouraged her, always lifted her up, how could I make her feel bad? I believe that she was convicted about things in her life but didn’t want to change them. She said that she felt good about herself and could be herself with her other friends, but not with me. She was afraid of me seeing the real her, who she said was mean.
She told me different reasons as to why I dated her and she questioned as to whether or not that I really loved her. These things hurt me very deeply. I always asked her how I could pray for her and she never once asked me how she could pray for me in return.
I learned more and more about her. She had emotional issues. She used to cut when she was younger and even almost took up smoking while we were dating due to depression (I found this out after we broke up). She revealed many other things about herself.
She sent me a message saying that she was in love with someone who was thousands of miles away. She called me and said that it was complicated and that she didn’t know why she said those things and that it was all just foolish and that she didn’t love the guy after all.
It has been a month since I have seen her. The hurt and pain is still there. I still think about her. I think about all the sweet things that she said to me. All the serious times where she just shared her heart with me and where she cried about her fears and her struggles in life. How could someone be so genuine and sweet with you and then change so suddenly?
I truly loved Jill with all of my heart. I was good to her even when she wasn’t good to me.
There are times where I just miss her. Sometimes I wonder, “If she wasn’t meant for me, then why was she brought in my life?”.
There is a part of me that hopes maybe down the road we could reconnect and be together again (that is, if she got her life right).
My heart breaks for her in that she is with those people who are leading her down a path of loneliness and destruction.
I write all this out, spewing all my feelings... I feel so lost… so hurt… like the wind has been knocked out of my sails…
Have any of you been in my shoes before? What advice can you all give me?
