Happy?

Tobby17 · Mar 13, 2012

Hey guys, it's Tobby17, the one who's always happy or maybe not.. The one who tries to make all the dumb jokes at the forum, the one who tries to make people at the chat room laugh.. Sounds happy enough right??. But I'm NOT Happy.. I don't like putting up threads regarding my sexual orientation, but i'm depressed to say the least. I thought i had gotten over it, but no i've not.. My life is miserable, pathetic and just meaningless. I'm being fair on myself to say that!.. I don't know why i'm gay, coz it's hard to figure out. People say God didn't create you gay, but the truth is, i've been gay ever since i can remember myself being attracted to anyone!.

Maybe God didn't make me that way, but then again. God allowed it, he made me doomed, i'm serious. I've been doomed ever since i was born, every other person's life seems to be perfect except mine. Doomed because i'm gay, i'm just another experiment made by God to fulfill end time prophecies of Sexual perversion, man sharing sexual feelings for other men.. People can tell me how i need God, but i've tried everything i could ever do, it won't go away. And i'm not even christian anymore.. Things were never good for me, they aren't good now and they will never get better. My homophobic father will never accept me being gay, my christian mom will never accept the fact that her son is an abomination. Things will never get better.

Yesterday, i realized how depressed i had grown, when i actually cut myself. For the first time, i did cut myself and it felt good. To be honest!.. Something happened when i cut myself yesterday, i started laughing uncontrollably, sounds stupid. But i was actually laughing, my mood changed from depressed to happy in a matter of seconds. And even though the bad feelings came back later, and my hand hurts a bit. It's better, the pain i feel in my hand right now is not as much as the pain i've harbored inside me for a long time. And just looking at the scars i have on my hand make me happy, and worry less. After cutting myself yesterday, i was able to sleep..

If peradventure cutting stops working, i know something else that will end my miserable life forever.. Yes ur guess is good. Suicide, sounds impossible ugh??.. Suicide have come as an option many times, but i've never thought of it as much as i have been thinking of it lately.

@ Julliana, Jilly,, Zero, Res, Annie123, Tatz, Soulja and every other person who i've becomes friends with on this site, you guys are awesome people.. And please don't forget if i end up paying Heaven gates a visit, but please pray for me that God will let me enter into heaven and ask him just one question. After which he can throw me into hell!.. I wouldn't mind as long as he answers my question..

Thanks for reading this
I feel like it's not important for anyone to reply to this thread
I just wanted to say something about how i've been feeling lately..
Goodbye!

Kyouken · Mar 13, 2012

If you've accepted Jesus Christ as your savior, you're going to heaven, Tobby

God didn't 'allow' you to be gay. That much I know. He didn't put this on you. The devil has a hand in this.

I also know that God loves you. More than anyone in existence can, and more than anyone in existence ever will. I'm sorry about your parents, Tobby. The most we can do is pray about that, and prayer is a powerful thing.

I don't really have much else to say.
I'm here for you, Tobby, and so is the rest of your family.
We love you.

hislastwalk · Mar 13, 2012

Toby, you are loved. &freedom is very real.. Endure to the end brother. The battle isn't ours to fight, it's Gods. It's our job to flee temptation man

God loves ya brother. Message me if you need someone, &add me on facebook, you deleted me o: lol

&God isn't mad @you.

fightingforthelight · Mar 14, 2012

oh, MY GOD!!!
Tobby, you are that person who know how it feels! When I was reading this... I'm in the same situation.
I was "always happy and glad and "lucky" person" I was smiling all the time. I was trying to help others to feel good. Always. Everybody said me that I have got a present from God. His JOY. That it is my mission. To make people feel good. And feel happiness.
About cutting. I have been cutting my self too. Thought it didn't helped me... That was worst.
And right now, I live in depression. I don't know what I will do. I have no happiness anymore. I'm laughing in desperate laugh... I live under all my sins. My situation is just that I'm doing that what I'm not allow to do. And (I know that you all in CC will maybe get angry or start say that I'm so wrong and "pleas don't do that, becouse God loves you") I think I'm going to have sex before marriage. About my family. My parents don't even allow to love someone. And I do this. And much much more. They will never understand me. If they would get know it, they would... I don't know. Never accept me as their child.
I know that these "God loves you" and everything like that doesn't help. I know it. I really understand you, brother. I'm in the same boat.
I always pray God to help me and show me what to do. To give His hand and lead me on His way. But where am I going?? I can't see anything. I'm in the darkness. I was "happy person". But now...

I don't know what to say anymore. How can blind can help another, who is blind too (don't be angry for this. you are not blind)
Thought, I'm still waiting. I will wait tills I will get answer. If I will not get answer. Then, I will say to God, that it is His fault. I know, it sounds stupid... Sorry.
Tobby, you are not alone.

Ruta.

fightingforthelight · Mar 14, 2012

Keys to the Kingdom By Group 1 Crew - YouTube

Tobby17 · Mar 14, 2012

hislastwalk said:

Oh i thought reverse was the case actually..

Tobby17 · Mar 14, 2012

Kyouken said:

Oh, how does the Devil make people gay if God doesn't allow it?

hislastwalk · Mar 14, 2012

Tobby17 said:

Deception.

Oh&well I had to re-add like 20 friends, maybe FB had a glitch.

Kyouken · Mar 14, 2012

Tobby17 said:

I agree with hislastwalk; deception.
God isn't this guy who sits at a desk with a bunch of actions on the desk saying yea or nay as to whether or not the actions come to pass. This is part of the deception the devil has lead many to believe and he spoils them through it.
That doesn't mean we aren't safe from things, though - if God is for you, who can be against you?

I'm not sure how good an argument this is, but I'd like to back up that statement I just made so you've got something to stand on: If God truly does allow and disallow things to happen, then that means certain people can't get saved, when the scriptures say that all who call on the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). In a sense, God does allow people to go to hell, but that's only because that person didn't become born again.

This whole 'Nothing can happen unless God allows it' idea causes people to become passive. How can we resist the devil if God is the one allowing everything?

Victory isn't far off. It isn't even right in front of your eyes. It's right inside you. That victory is Jesus Christ. You've just got to reach out and take it. Don't lose heart, Toby. You can do it; you're in Jesus Christ.

I wish you well.

kayem77 · Mar 15, 2012

Tobby, I'm very sad to know that you feel this way

...and I wish I could do something to help you. All I can say is that nobody's life is perfect, I used to feel the same way as you a couple of years ago. I felt that I was doomed since I was born,I would cry in my room just thinking and wondering why God would allow me to live if I was doomed to live a horrible life... and suicide was in my mind too very very often and a lot of people don't even know these things were in my mind at all. A few times I think I was just 1 doubt away to actually commit suicide, but the things I heard about God stopped me from doing it.
I don't want to derail this thread to talk about me (although you can PM me if you want to know more and it helps you

), but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that your struggles are normal, that your sins are not unredeemable or unforgivable, and that YES, you have a way out=Jesus , but it's not easy...Temptation will come and sometimes, maybe many times, you will fall, but you will have to stand up again through His help.

Tobby, it's one of God promises that he WILL CONTINUE the work he started in you, he won't let you unfinished, he won't let you there stuck in the same place, He will help you and restore you. You need to have faith, and believe me, when you overcome this you will look back and think how this made you stronger. You won't feel this way now, but please don't give up ok? I don't know you, but I enjoy your jokes around here, and I really wish you overcome this will all my heart

. I will pray for you <3. God bless you.

zeroturbulence · Mar 16, 2012

Hi Tobby. I've been coming back to this thread trying to think of what to say and haven't come up with anything really. All I want to say is that I see something special in you, Tobby. You have a spark of life that I've only seen in only a few people. What you are going through is common among young men who are struggling with the same issue of sexual orientation. I wonder if maybe there is an online support group available for you. I believe that you have the power and strength within you to get through this tough time.

I'm not telling you to not be gay. That's your business as far as I'm concerned. I'm here to tell you that you count as a human being and that if people don't agree with you...**** them! (sorry about the language, but I feel very strongly about it) You are awesome and likeable just the way you are. Don't let these people ruin your self image. They need to see the awesome, capable, strong and good side of Tobby for a change and not dwell on his sexual orientation. Stay strong, Tobby! Stay strong. God bless you.

lil_christian · Mar 16, 2012

fightingforthelight said:

Okay, the both of you. You two have some praying to do. You both need to ask God to carry your burdens for you. The weight of this world is far too great for anyone to be able to handle. I'm sorry you guys aren't "happy" with your life. I'm telling you right now, though, happy shouldn't be measured by the circumstances in your life. I've learn that the hard way. When the Apostle Paul was in jail, his circumstances were not all that great. But he knew he wasn't alone. He knew there was Someone far greater than the circumstances with Him: Jesus.
I've had the burden of depression weigh down on me before...I've had anxiety attacks. I've just wanted to sit in my room and never come out. But I'm learning that my depression, my anxiety...they shouldn't define me. And they won't. Christ is my identity and He defines who I am.
And another thing....DO NOT! ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CUT YOURSELF!! You have the urge to do so, pray. I have never cut myself and don't plan to, but I don't think it'd be easy to just not do it. But you have to do something besides wallow in it. Jesus hasn't forsaken you and He doesn't plan on it. He's in it for the long-haul. When you hurt, Jesus hurts.

Ruta...it's not cool to have sex before marriage. Both marriage and sex are sacred. Don't ruin it for yourself. I'm still a virgin but what I've learned about relationships and marriage...is they're sacred. You have self-control. You have the choice not to. If you want to then I can't stop you. But I would seriously pray on your future decisions.

Tobby...God hasn't doomed into anything. God doesn't do that. God took the time to create you. Your life is sacred. Cutting yourself is only something temporary that never really works in the end. Jesus is the TRUE remedy. And as some people have said, Satan has DECEIVED you into thinking that you're doomed to being gay. I would definitely recommend you talk to hislastwalk...take him up on his offer. (And I would agree in saying Facebook has been amazingly dumb and stupid...and it could have glitched and removed friends you didn't want to remove...and now they're doing timeline and making my ADD go nutso.

)

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpm5NTxkH-I[/video]

hislastwalk · Mar 16, 2012

Truly understanding God's grace is what sets us free. Joseph Prince is a really good grace preacher. ^^ once you understand; God loves you whether you want Him to or not, that He isn't mad.. You change. Change without grace isn't change at all, and it won't last. But with grace, you change completely <3 Love ya bro!!

zeroturbulence · Mar 16, 2012

Yea, Joseph Prince is an awesome preacher!

leelee · Mar 16, 2012

I love it when lil-christian posts, shes got such wisdom on her, you guys would do well to read what she is saying to you. She has it right, especially about cutting yourselves. Its a quick fix, like a drug and over time it takes more and more to make you feel better. Not a good path.

Tobby17 · Mar 17, 2012

zeroturbulence said:

Hi Tobby. I've been coming back to this thread trying to think of what to say and haven't come up with anything really. All I want to say is that I see something special in you, Tobby. You have a spark of life that I've only seen in only a few people. What you are going through is common among young men who are struggling with the same issue of sexual orientation. I wonder if maybe there is an online support group available for you. I believe that you have the power and strength within you to get through this tough time.

I'm not telling you to not be gay. That's your business as far as I'm concerned. I'm here to tell you that you count as a human being and that if people don't agree with you...**** them! (sorry about the language, but I feel very strongly about it) You are awesome and likeable just the way you are. Don't let these people ruin your self image. They need to see the awesome, capable, strong and good side of Tobby for a change and not dwell on his sexual orientation. Stay strong, Tobby! Stay strong. God bless you.

Thanks Zero, i finally feel like some1 is talking to me for some reason

Tobby17 · Mar 17, 2012

kayem77 said:

Tobby, I'm very sad to know that you feel this way

...and I wish I could do something to help you. All I can say is that nobody's life is perfect, I used to feel the same way as you a couple of years ago. I felt that I was doomed since I was born,I would cry in my room just thinking and wondering why God would allow me to live if I was doomed to live a horrible life... and suicide was in my mind too very very often and a lot of people don't even know these things were in my mind at all. A few times I think I was just 1 doubt away to actually commit suicide, but the things I heard about God stopped me from doing it.
I don't want to derail this thread to talk about me (although you can PM me if you want to know more and it helps you

), but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that your struggles are normal, that your sins are not unredeemable or unforgivable, and that YES, you have a way out=Jesus , but it's not easy...Temptation will come and sometimes, maybe many times, you will fall, but you will have to stand up again through His help.

Tobby, it's one of God promises that he WILL CONTINUE the work he started in you, he won't let you unfinished, he won't let you there stuck in the same place, He will help you and restore you. You need to have faith, and believe me, when you overcome this you will look back and think how this made you stronger. You won't feel this way now, but please don't give up ok? I don't know you, but I enjoy your jokes around here, and I really wish you overcome this will all my heart

. I will pray for you <3. God bless you.

Thanks kayem,, Thanks!

BrittanyJones · Mar 17, 2012

Hey baby, I know you feel so so so so bad right now but things will get better i promise. Lots of us do not have perfect lives at all we just don't openly talk about it. I was sexually abused by my uncle from before i can remember until five years ago. My sister died when i was 13 years old unexpectedly, my parents were so devastated they could not be there for me for a long time. My uncle stepped in and supported me and watched over me. Suddenly the abuse got worse and heavier and I didn't have my sister for protection. Right before the abuse got worse I became a Christian and I kept crying out to God for help and for it to stop but it didn't. It just kept on continuing. I became so ill from the stress I could barely walk anymore. I loved God with all my heart but I tried to kill myself three times. I always ended up in the hospital a further burden to my family.
Despite my suicide attempts and the continued abuse God taught me so much about Himself and His ways. I read the bible, prayed, and wrote in a journal to Him constantly.
I don't know why God allows what he allows, however, I do know that if it wasn't for the abuse, even though I was a christian, I was a young teen (14 years old) and I would not have spent so much precious and key time with Christ - talking, praying, meditating, things that are so key for a new believer.
Today I am delivered from abuse, and I love the Lord with all my heart. I do no regret the path He has chosen for me, I have grown so close to God through hardships, trials and struggles.
I know you do believe in Jesus as our savior you just are hurting so much right now and feel angry. Job got angry too when God took everything in the entire world from him. (Check out the book of Job!) God has a plan for your life and it's more miraculous than you can even imagine!
Love you!

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Job 1:21

GOD_IS_LOVE · Mar 18, 2012

I was thinking of what you were saying, that why did God put this on you. And then I thought of all kinds of different addictions, that just seem to appear and control someone's life for no apparent reason. So I imagine this has to be as hard to go through as it is with every addiction. And I think that focusing on it and just struggling in your own strength won't get you far.
Anyway, you say you're not even Christian any more. That's where I see the problem. You've probably struggled with it a lot, felt helpless and gave up on God altogether. Anyone who has struggled with addiction or sin knows we're powerless in our own strength. But God doesn't ask us to become perfect and then come to Him. There was this song "Lord, I come just as I am". He accepts us the way we are and He gives us the desire and the power to become what He wants us to be. All I mean to say is that I think you should stop torturing yourself over this and just try to know God's heart for you. Just ask Him all the questions you asked here and wait for an answer from Him.
May the Lord show His mercy!

zeroturbulence · Mar 21, 2012

Tobby17 said:

You're welcome, Tobby. Now don't let them bring you down. You're a good person and nothing they can say will change that.

God bless.

Happy?

Tobby17

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Kyouken

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hislastwalk

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fightingforthelight

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